I need strength right now. I need strength to do the right things for myself. Why is it so easy to do the wrong things ( Read more... )

what is this, the second entry this year? wow. i used to write on here so much more ( Read more... )

goodness me, it has been a looooong time since i wrote on here. wow. it's not that i forgot i had this thing, i've just been avoiding writing in order to avoid thinking about my life right now. a lot has happened since... october? geez ( Read more... )

I feel so lost right now. I’ve become dead inside and desensitized to deal with everything that has happened in the last year. I came to Spain feeling this way. For the last three weeks I’ve been taking everything in without really feeling any particular way about it, just accepting it for what it is. I can’t keep doing this though. I can’t go ( Read more... )

i leave for spain on thursday. oy. this has got to be one of the hardest times of my life. i ended things with adam like a week/week and a half ago, even though he was coming up to NY. it's hard, i miss him a lot. everything reminds me of him, and the only way i wont cry is if i cut myself off and desensitize myself. i dropped scooter off with ( Read more... )

i find that i am on an emotional roller coaster. sometimes i feel so defeated by daniel hendricks and the police and the fraternity, and other times there is a fire of hatred and anger so strong that it's all i think about. i also find that adam is now part of the latter. ever since the reality of this trial happening in 11 days hit me a few days ( Read more... )

ugh. i am so scared. i think it's finally hit me, the reality of the trial in 2 weeks. i can't stop thinking about it now, i was up all last night just imagining sitting on the stand. i feel like absolute shit. i feel so fucking alone. i can't even talk about it with adam anymore, we got in a weird thing about it last night. sigh. i feel like there ( Read more... )

i was just thinking about talking to my dad when he called me on my birthday this week, and of course was talking about the trial coming up. then he was like, "sorry, i didn't mean to call you up and get you all depressed on your birthday." yanno what, i don't fucking believe him. he doesn't give a shit if he calls me on my birthday and depresses ( Read more... )

i cannot believe it's august 4th. an hour and ten minutes from being august 5th. wow! all the sudden time is flying. had a birthday lunch at my grandma's today with dad and michelle. dad gave me a pair of earrings for my birthday, and in the card wrote "use these in spain and make fond memories somethingerother." what the fuck? how the hell are ( Read more... )

what a weird day. eileen called and said someone named chris left me 2 notes to call him, and im like, chris? who the fuck is chris? and she's like i dunno, the note says 'xoxo chris' then i'm all oooooohhhhhhhh chris the guy i slept with in may chris! how fucking bizarre is that?! we hung out for like 2 weeks and only fucked once. we haven't spoke ( Read more... )