what am i doing? do i love him? does he actually love me, or is this some kind of game he plays with everyone? like jan. of the two of us, is he really the bad guy? or do i project my own committment issues and place the blame on him? am i in denial? is he in denial? do i want a relationship? do i want one with adam? could i ever even trust him? ( Read more... )

it's ironic that my last post is about missing adam. he called me a few days ago (tuesday i think?) after 2 months of not talking at all. i feel like a lot has happened, even though nothing really has happened. well that's not true. he told me he loves me, for the first time ever in 2 years of knowing him. i've said it to him twice, but told him ( Read more... )

bleh. i do miss adam. it's been like a month and a half already. i should hate him. i want to hate him. god. eric and i were sitting in the car and the song 'safe home' by anthrax came on. it took me back to the first time i heard anthrax - it was that song - with adam. i miss him so much. i still have dreams about him all the time. i still think ( Read more... )

i have such a disgusting taste in my mouth. last night was really interesting. actually, i had a great day yesterday. but i walked into a bar last night, all wet from the rain, and all these guys at the bar were like "awwww you look like a wet little puppy" and they were all saying get her whatever she wants and going on about how cute and adorable ( Read more... )

i finally have figured it out! wow. adam is doing the same thing i'm doing, except he's been doing it his whole life. running, constantly running and using people (girls, or guys in my case). that's why i can't be anything more than sex and my intelligence. that's why he will never love me or be with me with me. he has dealt with things just as ( Read more... )

ugh, i'm pretty bored right now. this seems to be a theme for me on the weekends. i feel like my last post might have room to be misinterpreted. i'm too hyper these days i guess. i don't know why i feel the need to be out every single night. i feel like i need to broaden my circle of ithaca friends, but i don't know if that's even true. i would if ( Read more... )

ugh taking naps at 9pm is not a good idea. it's so f'ing hot in my room ( Read more... )

soooooooo i am home. had day 2 of work at old navy today. i'm so tired after working there, but i like the fact that i walk around all day long. it's like doing 6 hours of light cardio and getting paid for it. plus discounts woot woot. i had such a fucking horrible nightmare last night. i'd actually be willing to say that it was the absolute worst ( Read more... )

so it's been forever, and an unfortunate entry to leave off on haha. a lot has been going on; moving out of my apartment back home to ithaca and finding a job. which i did, i am now a customer service somethingerother at old navy. how bad is it i wasn't even paying attention to her talking when she told me my title. speaking of, i have orientation ( Read more... )

what can i fucking even say anymore. i am too far gone. the pain is so unbearable and overwhelming. has it really come to the knife in front of me? it has. it has come to this, and it's exactly like when i was 15, sobbing into my teddy bear, slicing and od'ing. it has come to this. i have a counseling appt tomorrow. god please do something. please ( Read more... )