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[kalixto99]

So normally I would post this into Parenting 101 or some other community that it applies to, but I think posting it here is better. Mostly because it's more of rant and to be honest, I could just be a really crappy, overly anal step-mom

Comments

[babygoose85]

I don't think you're expecting too much from him. Have you considered he may have some sort of personality disorder? Would therapy or counseling be out of the question. I'm sure living between two totally different environments isn't easy for a kid, and the massive change between the rules isn't easy either. Is there any way you can set some ground rules with his mother for what doesn't go at either house? As far as him lying you need to nip that in the bud now, you can't spank him for not flushing but you can for lying. I don't suggest doing so but I would suggest repercussions if he lies. Maybe set a schedule for him for bathing and brushing. Set say 8pm every night he is to bathe and brush his teeth, no bargaining. If you are doing something else stop cold and say it's bath time now. Other than that it's always going to be difficult no matter what you do, he's got from what I can tell a very lax home environment and at his dad's a much stricter. And don't get me started on how things will be once the baby gets here,

[kalixto99]

I'm not sure if he has a personality disorder or not... Sometimes I wonder because of how overly friendly he is, but then I'd like to chalk it up to him being a happy kid. I guess my biggest problem is that since I'm "just the step parent" I feel like I have no real authority on how he should be raised. My fiance agrees with me on most of this stuff but he seems to think it's all his ex-wife's fault and there's not a lot we can do. I mean, if he limits himself like that then I really can't do much about it. I'm also afraid of how things will work when I have his brother. Everything you mentioned, jealousy, anger, etc...I see it happening. I think like 08261984 says below, I should have some sort of reward and disciplinary system. The question is, does that over step my boundaries as a step parent? If he tells his mom that I make him clean the bathroom because he lied to me about flushing the toilet or something can she keep him from us just because she doesn't agree with it?

[babygoose85]

First of all if his visitation is court ordered she can't do a damn thing about what goes on at your house. If it isn't court ordered it really ought to be, something set in legal document as to how much time he should be spending with his father and his father's family. No I do not think you are overstepping your boundaries if your fiance agrees with you. You're pretty close to a step parent and I don't think the marriage certificate should suddenly make you need to care more all of a sudden, you're doing the right thing by starting now and not waiting until the baby is born. I think maybe you should set the rewards and disciplinary actions smaller to start with. If he lies about (anything) then he say loses a privilege temporarily. If that doesn't work then you move on to actual punishments like having to do something because he failed to tell the truth. Do you think it's possible he does just honestly forgets to do it? If so have you though about putting notes (like on post-its) in the bathroom or other places reminding him

[kalixto99]

I have to tell you, that's some very inspiring advice. It definitely makes me feel like I can actually do something about this and not just sit around watching things get worse. I'm going to chat with his dad tonight and set some ground rules. For example, being nice to the pets and no more jumping into the walls. As far as the bathroom issues go, I bet part of it is that he really does forget. If he's using the bathroom 30 times a week at his mom's house and 5 times a day when he visits us, the toilet paper flushing issue is probably going to continue. I think putting a note in there would be good idea. And now that I think about it, I haven't exactly disciplined him for lying. I think revoking a privilege is a good start. Maybe then he'll realize he's lying and how often. Thank you so much for the advice. Do you by any chance know of any parenting books or sites that address a reward or disciplinary system? I was raised that you get two chances to listen and the third time you were in trouble, (grounded, couldn't play

[08261984]

Wow, everything you say your 7 year old doesn't do, my almost 3 year old does do.

Anthony knows please, thank you, bless you, may I, everything with manners (I pounded it in his head since birth) He is also potty trained almost fully (besides at night) and he flushes the toilet. He kinda knows how to use toilet paper, but I have to keep reminding him.

It sounds like your situation, hes doing most for attention, do you have a reward system? or even a discipline system?

and I do agree with the comment above :)

[kalixto99]

That's exactly how I see my kiddo behaving. Those are basic manners that most kids can do very easily. I don't think his mother ever encouraged him to use them. And while I've been trying my dangdest for the last year (that's how long his father and I have been engaged) to teach him to be polite he just forgets everything. Even the hygeine issues. And little kids like yours make me smile. There's nothing cuter than a kid who says please and thank you. :0)

[coutureable]

Since he's not your child it would be very hard to re-train him on anything, but you're not expecting too much?

Flush the toilet? At seven, that is a given. He needs to do it and you're doing the best for him, in the long run the pestering will be what's good for him over-all.

I hope these issues get resolved.. it sounds pretty annoying to have to be the one to discipline him all the time.

[kalixto99]

It is annoying. His dad helps, but his opinion is that unless he lived with us it's not going to change, so we'll just keep on like we have been. Unfortunately, I'm the one that always seems to say something to him. Jason just tells him to stop and he does it. I tell him to stop and I get, "Why do I have to?" So I'll explain it and then 5 minutes later he's at it again. Of course, this sort of thing happens when his dad isn't around...I suppose that's a whole other issue too.

[ajfish]

With regards to the lack of boundaries, have you ever had him evaluated by a developmental psychologist? The not picking up on social cues is one of the flags for pervasive developmental delay:

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/pdd/pdd.htm