Cheeseburgers and Pie (Chapter 13)
Jo scheduled the party two days before classes resume because in her expert opinion, everyone would be back by then and two days was plenty of recovery time. Ash stated that once he recovered from a party for eight days but Jo reminded him kindly it was because he got too drunk and fell down the stairs, hospital stays don’t count as party recovery. Dean helped Jo set up decorations and food and they left Ash in charge of spreading the word. Castiel asked politely to be left out of the process, which everyone agreed to, and spent most of the days before the event holed up in either his room reading or Dean’s room playing his records. Dean occasionally spared a few moments to check in with him and sit and talk, but Jo stole his attention away quickly to tend to party matters and as a result, Dean didn’t really see or speak to Castiel much for a few days. In fact, the only person Dean interacts with beyond Jo is Sam, who calls to say he and Gabriel are coming up to visit for a week before he moves out to California for Stanford. Which Dean could not be more happy about, even if it is less than perfect timing. So, the morning of the big day, with all the decorations up, booze procured, food stocked and nothing left to do but wait for the party to start, Dean finally takes a second to relax and find Castiel.
He takes the stairs and passes Jo’s room where she’s curling her hair in the mirror while practicing what looks to Dean like some heavy flirting, he makes a mental note to make fun of her for it later. Castiel’s room is the last one in the hallway, right across from Dean’s. His door is shut so Dean knocks twice but doesn’t wait for an answer, he opens the door to find the room empty. My room then. He turns and crosses the hall to his own room, which is again empty. Dean stands in the threshold of the door for a few moments contemplating the places Castiel could be when he spots the open window. He smiles to himself and crosses just as he sees Castiel poke a leg through the opening and enter the room.
“Dean!” Castiel gasps, “I thought you were with Jo and Ash at the store obtaining more streamers.”
“Nah, I’ve had enough party talk.” Dean sits back on the edge of his bed to face Castiel as his friend cradles the book in his arms and leans against the window frame. “Besides, if I hear one more thing about streamers or Solo cups or dance mixes I will literally shoot my brains out.”
Castiel snorts and rolls his eyes, sliding down the wall to rest against the window sill, “you and Jo really must stop using the word ‘literally’ improperly. One day it might come back to haunt you.”
“To be honest, this time I might actually mean it.” Castiel snorts again but pushes off of the sill to stand and stretch.
“I think I’ve hibernated enough for the week, I might as well face the music and go get ready.” Castiel says as he exits Dean’s room.
“Cas, wait.” Dean calls, Castiel stops and turns, eyebrows up to his hairline. “You’re really okay about tonight, right?”
“Dean, I am not a child.” Castiel’s voice thick with irritation, “I can take care of myself, if I do not like the party, I will leave.”
Dean nods and Castiel takes his leave, heading across the hall to the bathroom to shower. Dean settles back on his bed and checks the clock, three forty-five, Sam will be here in fifteen minutes and then the party starts an hour after. Dean strategizes in his head and tries to find a place where he can fit in a nap, eventually he just gives up and decides he’ll sleep in tomorrow. He changes into a simple grey V-neck and his nicest jeans, the dark ones he bought at Christmas that are a straight cut and show off his ass perfectly. Or so the lady in the dressing room had said, before slipping him her number and giving him a thirty percent off coupon. He had just cracked open a beer when the doorbell rings and he ushers in Sam and Gabriel, who will be crashing in Ash’s room while Ash takes the sofa. Jo and Ash arrive back from the store with extra supplies and everyone goes about setting up last minute items. By the time people start arriving, Castiel still hasn’t come down and Dean’s getting worried, but Ash is too busy introducing him to half the campus. Jo finally pulls him out of the crowd when she takes note of Castiel absence too.
“Dude, where the hell is Cas?” Jo leans in to yell over the music.
“How should I know, last time I saw him was -“ Dean stops abruptly and drops his jaw. Coming down the stairs is Castiel. He looks incredible. He’d finally managed to scrub the last of the paint off of his skin and out of his hair, which is tousled at odd angles, like always, but looks softer than it usually does. Dean’s fingers twitch at the urge to go run his hand through the wayward strands. He’s dressed better than Dean’s ever seen. No more ragged t-shirts and baggy pants, he’s dressed in a white button up that’s just the right size and black jeans that leave nothing to the imagination. Dean’s already a little buzzed from the drinks he’s had and seeing Castiel like this is too much. Jo follows his gaze and drops her own jaw.
“Holy shit!” Jo slaps a hand over her mouth in shock, “Dean, holy shit.”
“Yeah.” Dean watches Castiel make his way across the room to where they’re standing. When he’s inches from Dean’s face he stops and stares up into his face. They stand like that for a moment before Castiel breaks and gives a small shy smile. “Are you thirsty?” Castiel nods and Dean leads him over to the counter and fixes a Jack and Coke. “Here,” Dean thrusts it into Castiel’s face and downs the rest of his beer. This is getting dangerous, strategize, Winchester. “Let’s dance?” Castiel nods again and follows Dean out onto the dance floor. He grabs Jo along the way and they all dance together for a while. Dean spots Sam across the living room floor and makes his way over quickly, happy for the distraction from Jo teaching Castiel how to shake his ass. His incredible, amazing ass.
“Hey!” Sam exclaims. “Looks like you’re having fun.”
“Yeah, Deany, you look like you and candy ass are having a grand ol’ time,” Gabriel slurs as he slings himself over Sam’s shoulder from the arm chair he’d been dancing on. “When are you gonna tap that? Cuz now would be a wonderful time.”
“Now would be a good time for you to shut the hell up too,” Dean hisses, hoping no one overheard Gabriel’s drunken pep talk.
“Gabe, come on, let’s go request Barbie Girl.” Sam slides a giggling Gabe off his shoulder and down to the floor and Gabe trots off towards the DJ station. “Seriously though Dean, he looks great, you look great, this could be a great night to try something. And hey, if something goes wrong, blame it on the alcohol.” At that, Sam gives another firm pat on the shoulder and follows his boyfriend out into the crowd.
Dean takes a few deep breaths and goes back to the kitchen for more liquid courage, then decides firmly on going to make his move. He’s almost made it to where Castiel is watching Jo and Gabriel vogue together on top of the coffee table when Jo loses her balance and falls head first into the hardwood floor. Dean sprints to her side. “Jo! Hey, Jo! Are you okay?” Jo giggles up at him and he watches her expression. Castiel kneels down next to him and pushes him out of the way a little bit.
“Jo, follow my finger please,” Castiel waves a finger over her field of vision, does a few more tests and gives a sigh of relief. “She’s okay, but she should probably rest for a while.”
“I’ll take her upstairs.” Dean offers and he hauls her up off the floor. “Come on Jo, time for a rest.”
“Okay Dean-o!” Jo giggles as she stumbles over her feet. Dean rolls his eyes and picks her up to carry her the rest of the way. Gently, Dean lays her on her bed and tries to disentangle himself from her arms but Jo wraps them a little tighter, bringing his face closer to hers. “You’re such a good friend Dean.”
“Yeah, Jo.” Dean huffs, “you too.”
“No, really, you’re so good.” She removes her arms from around his neck and brings them down to brush over his biceps. Dean had a crush on Jo when they first met, but he’d gotten over that years ago. The alcohol in his system was making things a little fuzzy though, he was already turned on by Castiel, and the way Jo was touching him, his dick didn’t really care that it wasn’t what his brain wanted. It was attention and it was right here. Jo locked a bleary gaze onto Dean’s eyes and leaned up just as Dean leaned down. Their lips met half way, small and sweet, and then a rush all at once, drunk and sloppy and so awful. Dean’s brain kept telling his body to stop being an idiot, but his body wasn’t really in the listening mood. A loud thump and gasp from outside the room broke the kiss, leaving them both panting and Jo giggling like a schoolgirl. Dean whipped around and his heart fell out of his boots. Castiel was staring at them, shock contorting his features frozen to the ground where the glass in his hand had fallen to the floor, spilling its contents over the wood. Castiel snapped out of his trance and his face shifted from shock to something Dean didn’t recognize right away. Instantly sobering, Dean stood to move towards his friend, but Castiel gave a frustrated growl and whipped around, running down the stairs as Dean began to run after him. By the time Dean reached the bottom of the stairs, Castiel was out of sight. Dean tore through the house but Castiel wasn’t there. Castiel wasn’t anywhere. Dean’s stomach sank as he came to a halt in the kitchen. He buried his face in his hands and slunk down to the floor against the refrigerator and folds in on himself, willing the tears to stay away by burning a hole in the floor with his eyes. I’m so royally fucked.
“Dean!” Sam’s booming voice cut through the noise of the party easily. “Dean!” He was being shaken now. “Dean! What the fuck did you do?”
“Go away, Sam.” Dean mumbles into his knees.
“Dean, Cas just ran out of here, more of a sprint actually, but whatever. What the hell happened?” Dean groans loudly and brings his head up to meet Sam’s concerned gaze. “Dean, are you okay?” He shakes his head solemnly and Sam gets the hint. “Come on, chief, let’s go to bed.” Dean allows his little brother to steer him up to his room and sit him on the bed. “Jesus, Dean. Is it really that bad?”
Dean sniffles pathetically and wipes his nose and eyes quickly with the palms of his hand. “What the hell do you know?” He snaps.
“You haven’t been that complacent since like, fifth grade dude.” Dean snorted at that and Sam rolls his eyes. “Dude.”
“Sam, I fucked up.” Sam shakes his head.
“No shit, Dean. Now seriously. What. Did. You. Do.” Dean takes a deep sigh and relays the last ten minutes to his little brother. “Dean, what the hell is wrong with you? I told you to make a move on Cas! Not Jo!”
“She made a move on me!” Dean defends.
“She’s wasted. Dean, she was singing Barbie Girl. With Gabriel.” Dean flops back against his headboard and growls again.
“I know okay Sammy!” Dean screams. Sam’s face hardens at the aggression, but then relaxes just as quickly. He puts a hand on Dean’s knee and squeezes. “I messed everything up.”
“Yeah, you messed it up.” Dean glares at his brother, “what? Did you want me to sugar coat it and tell you everything is peachy keen? It’s not. Look, you’re an idiot.” Dean glares again, “no, seriously Dean. The biggest idiot. You have no idea what’s going on here do you?” Dean squints harshly at Sam and shakes his head slowly in suspicion. “Dean, you big jerk, you just let the guy who is head over heels for you see you kiss someone else. Someone else who is not a guy, also, so good job with that.”
Dean blinks quickly at Sam, letting his brother’s words sink in. “Wait.”
“Finally!” Sam snaps, thrusting his hands in the air.
“How do you know Cas likes me?” Sam snorts and shakes his head.
“He told me after you two came back here. We were emailing one day and he kind of just blurted it out and asked for help.” Dean sits straight up then and goes tense. “Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him anything about how you felt. I should have. But I didn’t. I figured you two could handle it yourselves. Guess not.”
“This really isn’t funny Sam.” Dean’s complexion had gone from a well-earned summer’s tan to sickly pale in the last few minutes and the knot in his stomach was threatening to expand into his throat. “I swear to God, if you’re fucking with me it will be the last thing you ever do.”
“I’m not fucking with you Dean.” Sam rises, towering over Dean, “if you really don’t believe me, talk to Jo in the morning. Not now though, I’m pretty sure she’s face down in the toilet.”
In confirmation, as Sam opens the door Dean can hear Jo across the hall making muffled noises in the bathroom. Dean sinks down and nestles into the covers, staring at the ceiling while trying to process the night’s events. It’s not even eleven yet but everything has worn him down. He leaves the door open so he can stare at the closed door of Castiel’s room. Everything he thought he knew about their friendship has suddenly shifted. His mind plays small moments spent with Castiel over the blank white door across the hall. The small quirks that he thought were ‘just Cas’ morph into subtle hints about his feelings for Dean. The deep conversations they’d had, the small touches here and there, the glances across the room, they all mean something different now and Dean was too blind to see them. Dean was too caught up in preserving what they’d had that he didn’t leave room for the future and now he wasn’t sure there would be a future for him and Castiel. He played these thoughts over and over in his mind as he drifted into a restless night’s sleep.
He snaps his eyes open as he startles himself awake early the next morning. He’s curled up in the middle of the bed, lying horizontal across it instead of vertical, the position he’d eventually fallen asleep in while staring at Castiel’s door. It’s still closed now and the sight makes Dean’s heart ache. He pads over to it and opens the door quietly, Castiel isn’t in there but his bed is unmade, which mean’s he’s been home since last night. Dean breathes a sigh of relief and takes a quick trip through the house, not finding Castiel anywhere else. He must be avoiding me. The thought hurts more than Dean had imagined it would. He drags himself back to bed to try and get a little more rest, but ends up just tangling himself in the covers as he tosses and turns. Giving up on sleep, Dean makes his way to the kitchen to brew some coffee, then he cleans up the rest of the party mess and goes to the porch to sit quietly and think. Somehow, in some way, he has to make this right. He’s not really even sure what Castiel is thinking right now, but he knows that he needs to tell Castiel how he feels now before something else happens and he loses his chance. But first he has to talk to Jo. Dean sits out on the porch and drinks coffee until mid morning when he hears activity in the kitchen. He investigates and finds Jo, looking extremely hung over, barely keeping her eyes open as she pours a cup of coffee and makes her way clumsily over to the table. As soon as she’s seated she lays her forehead flat against the surface and groans.
“No kidding,” Dean says and he sits across the table from her. Jo lifts her head just slightly and sees Dean, then flushes red with embarrassment and buries her head in her arms.
“Dean I am so sorry.” Jo groans as she shakes her head, then lifts it slowly, “I didn’t, I mean… I remember, but, God I’m sorry.”
“Hey, Jo,” Dean reaches over and grasps her forearm gently, “don’t worry about it. I get it. It’s fine, we kissed a little because you were trashed and I was tipsy, shit happens. I have a question to ask though.” Jo’s eyebrow lifts slightly and Dean continues after he takes another large gulp of coffee and braces himself for the conversation. “Did Cas ever mention he had feelings for me? Like, that he liked me more than just friends, or something?”
Jo makes a small choking sound and looks at him suspiciously, “no, I mean, no.”
“Jo, it’s cool. I need the truth, it’s really important.” Dean reassures her and Jo relaxes a little.
“Fine,” Jo takes her own large drink of coffee and a deep sigh before continuing, “he may have mentioned something about feelings for you.”
“Something about feelings or actual feelings? Jo come on.” Dean squeezes a little harder on her arm to try and emphasize the importance.
“Look, you didn’t hear it from me.” Jo starts and then looks around for listeners, there’s no one except Ash on the sofa, but he’s still passed out. “Okay. He likes you, a lot. Possibly more than a lot. Actually no, he’s really into you.” Dean lets out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding as Jo continues, “I’ve been trying to help him get your attention but you’re impossible! Like the hardest person in the world to get to notice you, I should know I spent half my high school career trying to get you to look at me.” Dean snorts remembering when he finally realized Jo had a crush on him, not her most elegant moment that’s for sure. “Dean, don’t quote me, but the guy might be in love with you.”
Dean gulps hard around the lump in his throat, “are you serious?” He croaks out.
“He never said it, but God, Dean, can’t you see the way he looks at you?” Dean thinks back on last night at the party, before the kiss and sees it clearly. How could I be so fucking blind.
Dean gets up and immediately runs to his room to throw on whatever clothes he can reach and heads out to find Castiel. He drives around all day and just looks, every guy on the street with shaggy hair turns his head, but it’s never Castiel. He even drives to school and searches the campus, the library, the pond. He’s not there. When dinner rolls around he drives to the diner where he had his date with Lisa, and the place he used to take Castiel, but he’s not there either. Eventually when it’s dusk he finds his way home. Sam and Gabriel are huddled together on the couch and Jo and Ash are sitting together at the kitchen table. They all stand up and turn to him when he walks in. Dean gets a feeling of instant terror when he sees the look on their faces, something must be wrong. Sam steps forward and grabs his shoulders.
“Dean, where have you been?” Sam’s grabbing him hard and the look on his face is pure concern.
“Dude, calm down,” Dean shrugs his brothers hands off his shoulder, “I was looking for Cas.” Sam’s face relaxes and everyone in the room breathes a sigh of relief. “What the hell did you guys think? I walk in here and you’re all,” Dean gestures widely at each of them, “like this and you tell me you’re concerned for me? Cas is missing!”
“No, Dean. He’s here. He got home like a half hour after you ran out,” Jo says from the table.
“Seriously?” Dean groans and makes his way towards the stairs but Sam put a hand out to stop him, “Sammy let go, I need-“
“Dean, calm down.” Sam pushes him back gently, “right now he needs a little time. He’s still upset. He came home smashed and he’s been puking and brooding all day.”
“He came home smashed?” Dean’s voice goes up an octave.
“Yeah, he busted in and almost fell over, I grabbed him and asked if he was drunk. He told me not to ask stupid questions.” Gabriel snickers from his perch on the couch’s arm rest and Sam glares briefly at him in response before continuing. “He told me he found the liquor store last night and drank it.”
“Shit.” Dean feels everything drain out of him at that point. He did this to Castiel, his friend; he can’t believe how much of an idiot he is. He gives Sam a small defeated nod and Sam lets him go. Dean can barely drag himself up the stairs, suddenly exhausted from the lack of sleep and weight of his guilt. He folds into himself on the bed, but stays facing Castiel’s door, which is still closed but he can hear music leaking out from under the door. Music? Dean turns his head and finds that Castiel has stolen his record player and a good amount of records from the bookshelf in his room. He sighs deeply and shifts himself on the bed to a more comfortable position. Dean stays like that the rest of the day, staring at Castiel’s door, or reading a book, or eating, staying on his bed and always keeping an eye on the door. A few times Castiel comes out and Dean perks up, trying to grab his friend’s attention but Castiel never looks at him. Even from across the room Dean can see Castiel’s eyes are still red and puffy, which make the blue of them more brilliant than usual. Not an appropriate thought, Winchester. As Castiel slams the door again, Dean shakes himself and resolves to finish the book he’s working on before he has to return to school tomorrow. School. Dean hadn’t thought about how their fight would affect school. He groans as he realizes Castiel won’t be near him. Won’t walk to class with him, or eat lunch with him, or study in the library with him. A pit in his stomach forms as he thinks about Castiel doing those things with someone else. He shuts the door then, the white slab of wood becoming too much of a reminder of all the shit he’d fucked up. He drifts through another fitful nights’ sleep and wakes before his alarm the next morning. Everyone is up and ready for school by the time he drags himself out of bed though. He throws on clothes and brushes his teeth but skips breakfast. Jo and Ash are waiting for him by the Impala but there’s no sign of Castiel.
“He walked,” Jo confirms as she sees Dean scanning the area. He nods and they pile in.
His classes aren’t too difficult this semester so the first day is pretty easy. He eats lunch silently with Jo and Ash who chatter on about their classes and the party and everything else they can think of. Dean’s pretty sure they’re hoping he’ll join in but he just eats his lunch in silence and leaves, muttering about going for a walk before the next class. He wanders over to the pond and sits for a while staring at the water. The place holds a lot of memories and it should hurt to be here, but as Dean watches the water it only calms him. He gets up and drags himself through the rest of his day, going through the motions but not really taking in much of what’s going on. He’s not thinking about Castiel specifically. He’s replaying their friendship in his mind, picking out points when they could have turned into something more. He loses track though, there’s too many and he kicks himself for not seeing them. The first week and a half of school goes by like this. Dean gets up, goes to school, goes home, studies, eats, and sleeps. He hangs out with Sam and Gabriel too, but when they leave at the end of the week his only other distraction leaves with them. Castiel pops up here and there while he’s walking around campus or ducking into the bathroom, but mostly he doesn’t see much of him. He just sees the signs that Castiel has been there. Records keep going missing in his room, toothpaste is smeared in the sink, or a new box of Castiel’s favorite cereal magically appears in the pantry. When they are in the same room Castiel pretends Dean’s invisible, but Dean can’t stop staring at him. It’s pathetic and everyone else is getting annoyed, but Dean can’t bring himself to speak to his friend. He wouldn’t know where to start.
After class on Thursday, Dean picks up an apple from the kitchen and starts to head to his room. “Oh no hotshot. You sit the fuck down.” Jo calls as she and Ash enter the kitchen side by side and block his exit. Dean sits and they pull up chairs on both sides of him to prevent escape.
“We’re sick of your brooding.” Ash starts.
“You need to get a grip.” Jo continues.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.” Dean’s lying and they all know it.
“Shut it. We’re done, okay? Mourning period is over.” Dean opens his mouth to protest but Jo holds up a hand to silence him and continues, “if you don’t get a grip and talk to Castiel soon, we’re both going to seal the house and shoot ourselves so that you’re forced to talk to survive.”
“We have a pact, don’t make us use it.” Ash threatens as he flips a paper in front of Dean’s face.
“But,” Dean starts.
“No ‘but’s Dean. Sam made us promise we would put a stop to this before he left. Now seems like a good time. You’ve been avoiding each other for almost two weeks and you haven’t spoken a word to anyone other than what you’ve had to. If you don’t man up and go talk about your feelings, you’re going to lose Castiel and any chance you ever had with him.” Jo smacks the back of his head and stands.
“Go. Fix. Your. Shit.” Ash threatens, pointing his finger closer to Dean’s face with each word until it’s jabbing painfully into Dean’s forehead. “Don’t make us come back here.”
Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Epilogue |
He takes the stairs and passes Jo’s room where she’s curling her hair in the mirror while practicing what looks to Dean like some heavy flirting, he makes a mental note to make fun of her for it later. Castiel’s room is the last one in the hallway, right across from Dean’s. His door is shut so Dean knocks twice but doesn’t wait for an answer, he opens the door to find the room empty. My room then. He turns and crosses the hall to his own room, which is again empty. Dean stands in the threshold of the door for a few moments contemplating the places Castiel could be when he spots the open window. He smiles to himself and crosses just as he sees Castiel poke a leg through the opening and enter the room.
“Dean!” Castiel gasps, “I thought you were with Jo and Ash at the store obtaining more streamers.”
“Nah, I’ve had enough party talk.” Dean sits back on the edge of his bed to face Castiel as his friend cradles the book in his arms and leans against the window frame. “Besides, if I hear one more thing about streamers or Solo cups or dance mixes I will literally shoot my brains out.”
Castiel snorts and rolls his eyes, sliding down the wall to rest against the window sill, “you and Jo really must stop using the word ‘literally’ improperly. One day it might come back to haunt you.”
“To be honest, this time I might actually mean it.” Castiel snorts again but pushes off of the sill to stand and stretch.
“I think I’ve hibernated enough for the week, I might as well face the music and go get ready.” Castiel says as he exits Dean’s room.
“Cas, wait.” Dean calls, Castiel stops and turns, eyebrows up to his hairline. “You’re really okay about tonight, right?”
“Dean, I am not a child.” Castiel’s voice thick with irritation, “I can take care of myself, if I do not like the party, I will leave.”
Dean nods and Castiel takes his leave, heading across the hall to the bathroom to shower. Dean settles back on his bed and checks the clock, three forty-five, Sam will be here in fifteen minutes and then the party starts an hour after. Dean strategizes in his head and tries to find a place where he can fit in a nap, eventually he just gives up and decides he’ll sleep in tomorrow. He changes into a simple grey V-neck and his nicest jeans, the dark ones he bought at Christmas that are a straight cut and show off his ass perfectly. Or so the lady in the dressing room had said, before slipping him her number and giving him a thirty percent off coupon. He had just cracked open a beer when the doorbell rings and he ushers in Sam and Gabriel, who will be crashing in Ash’s room while Ash takes the sofa. Jo and Ash arrive back from the store with extra supplies and everyone goes about setting up last minute items. By the time people start arriving, Castiel still hasn’t come down and Dean’s getting worried, but Ash is too busy introducing him to half the campus. Jo finally pulls him out of the crowd when she takes note of Castiel absence too.
“Dude, where the hell is Cas?” Jo leans in to yell over the music.
“How should I know, last time I saw him was -“ Dean stops abruptly and drops his jaw. Coming down the stairs is Castiel. He looks incredible. He’d finally managed to scrub the last of the paint off of his skin and out of his hair, which is tousled at odd angles, like always, but looks softer than it usually does. Dean’s fingers twitch at the urge to go run his hand through the wayward strands. He’s dressed better than Dean’s ever seen. No more ragged t-shirts and baggy pants, he’s dressed in a white button up that’s just the right size and black jeans that leave nothing to the imagination. Dean’s already a little buzzed from the drinks he’s had and seeing Castiel like this is too much. Jo follows his gaze and drops her own jaw.
“Holy shit!” Jo slaps a hand over her mouth in shock, “Dean, holy shit.”
“Yeah.” Dean watches Castiel make his way across the room to where they’re standing. When he’s inches from Dean’s face he stops and stares up into his face. They stand like that for a moment before Castiel breaks and gives a small shy smile. “Are you thirsty?” Castiel nods and Dean leads him over to the counter and fixes a Jack and Coke. “Here,” Dean thrusts it into Castiel’s face and downs the rest of his beer. This is getting dangerous, strategize, Winchester. “Let’s dance?” Castiel nods again and follows Dean out onto the dance floor. He grabs Jo along the way and they all dance together for a while. Dean spots Sam across the living room floor and makes his way over quickly, happy for the distraction from Jo teaching Castiel how to shake his ass. His incredible, amazing ass.
“Hey!” Sam exclaims. “Looks like you’re having fun.”
“Yeah, Deany, you look like you and candy ass are having a grand ol’ time,” Gabriel slurs as he slings himself over Sam’s shoulder from the arm chair he’d been dancing on. “When are you gonna tap that? Cuz now would be a wonderful time.”
“Now would be a good time for you to shut the hell up too,” Dean hisses, hoping no one overheard Gabriel’s drunken pep talk.
“Gabe, come on, let’s go request Barbie Girl.” Sam slides a giggling Gabe off his shoulder and down to the floor and Gabe trots off towards the DJ station. “Seriously though Dean, he looks great, you look great, this could be a great night to try something. And hey, if something goes wrong, blame it on the alcohol.” At that, Sam gives another firm pat on the shoulder and follows his boyfriend out into the crowd.
Dean takes a few deep breaths and goes back to the kitchen for more liquid courage, then decides firmly on going to make his move. He’s almost made it to where Castiel is watching Jo and Gabriel vogue together on top of the coffee table when Jo loses her balance and falls head first into the hardwood floor. Dean sprints to her side. “Jo! Hey, Jo! Are you okay?” Jo giggles up at him and he watches her expression. Castiel kneels down next to him and pushes him out of the way a little bit.
“Jo, follow my finger please,” Castiel waves a finger over her field of vision, does a few more tests and gives a sigh of relief. “She’s okay, but she should probably rest for a while.”
“I’ll take her upstairs.” Dean offers and he hauls her up off the floor. “Come on Jo, time for a rest.”
“Okay Dean-o!” Jo giggles as she stumbles over her feet. Dean rolls his eyes and picks her up to carry her the rest of the way. Gently, Dean lays her on her bed and tries to disentangle himself from her arms but Jo wraps them a little tighter, bringing his face closer to hers. “You’re such a good friend Dean.”
“Yeah, Jo.” Dean huffs, “you too.”
“No, really, you’re so good.” She removes her arms from around his neck and brings them down to brush over his biceps. Dean had a crush on Jo when they first met, but he’d gotten over that years ago. The alcohol in his system was making things a little fuzzy though, he was already turned on by Castiel, and the way Jo was touching him, his dick didn’t really care that it wasn’t what his brain wanted. It was attention and it was right here. Jo locked a bleary gaze onto Dean’s eyes and leaned up just as Dean leaned down. Their lips met half way, small and sweet, and then a rush all at once, drunk and sloppy and so awful. Dean’s brain kept telling his body to stop being an idiot, but his body wasn’t really in the listening mood. A loud thump and gasp from outside the room broke the kiss, leaving them both panting and Jo giggling like a schoolgirl. Dean whipped around and his heart fell out of his boots. Castiel was staring at them, shock contorting his features frozen to the ground where the glass in his hand had fallen to the floor, spilling its contents over the wood. Castiel snapped out of his trance and his face shifted from shock to something Dean didn’t recognize right away. Instantly sobering, Dean stood to move towards his friend, but Castiel gave a frustrated growl and whipped around, running down the stairs as Dean began to run after him. By the time Dean reached the bottom of the stairs, Castiel was out of sight. Dean tore through the house but Castiel wasn’t there. Castiel wasn’t anywhere. Dean’s stomach sank as he came to a halt in the kitchen. He buried his face in his hands and slunk down to the floor against the refrigerator and folds in on himself, willing the tears to stay away by burning a hole in the floor with his eyes. I’m so royally fucked.
“Dean!” Sam’s booming voice cut through the noise of the party easily. “Dean!” He was being shaken now. “Dean! What the fuck did you do?”
“Go away, Sam.” Dean mumbles into his knees.
“Dean, Cas just ran out of here, more of a sprint actually, but whatever. What the hell happened?” Dean groans loudly and brings his head up to meet Sam’s concerned gaze. “Dean, are you okay?” He shakes his head solemnly and Sam gets the hint. “Come on, chief, let’s go to bed.” Dean allows his little brother to steer him up to his room and sit him on the bed. “Jesus, Dean. Is it really that bad?”
Dean sniffles pathetically and wipes his nose and eyes quickly with the palms of his hand. “What the hell do you know?” He snaps.
“You haven’t been that complacent since like, fifth grade dude.” Dean snorted at that and Sam rolls his eyes. “Dude.”
“Sam, I fucked up.” Sam shakes his head.
“No shit, Dean. Now seriously. What. Did. You. Do.” Dean takes a deep sigh and relays the last ten minutes to his little brother. “Dean, what the hell is wrong with you? I told you to make a move on Cas! Not Jo!”
“She made a move on me!” Dean defends.
“She’s wasted. Dean, she was singing Barbie Girl. With Gabriel.” Dean flops back against his headboard and growls again.
“I know okay Sammy!” Dean screams. Sam’s face hardens at the aggression, but then relaxes just as quickly. He puts a hand on Dean’s knee and squeezes. “I messed everything up.”
“Yeah, you messed it up.” Dean glares at his brother, “what? Did you want me to sugar coat it and tell you everything is peachy keen? It’s not. Look, you’re an idiot.” Dean glares again, “no, seriously Dean. The biggest idiot. You have no idea what’s going on here do you?” Dean squints harshly at Sam and shakes his head slowly in suspicion. “Dean, you big jerk, you just let the guy who is head over heels for you see you kiss someone else. Someone else who is not a guy, also, so good job with that.”
Dean blinks quickly at Sam, letting his brother’s words sink in. “Wait.”
“Finally!” Sam snaps, thrusting his hands in the air.
“How do you know Cas likes me?” Sam snorts and shakes his head.
“He told me after you two came back here. We were emailing one day and he kind of just blurted it out and asked for help.” Dean sits straight up then and goes tense. “Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him anything about how you felt. I should have. But I didn’t. I figured you two could handle it yourselves. Guess not.”
“This really isn’t funny Sam.” Dean’s complexion had gone from a well-earned summer’s tan to sickly pale in the last few minutes and the knot in his stomach was threatening to expand into his throat. “I swear to God, if you’re fucking with me it will be the last thing you ever do.”
“I’m not fucking with you Dean.” Sam rises, towering over Dean, “if you really don’t believe me, talk to Jo in the morning. Not now though, I’m pretty sure she’s face down in the toilet.”
In confirmation, as Sam opens the door Dean can hear Jo across the hall making muffled noises in the bathroom. Dean sinks down and nestles into the covers, staring at the ceiling while trying to process the night’s events. It’s not even eleven yet but everything has worn him down. He leaves the door open so he can stare at the closed door of Castiel’s room. Everything he thought he knew about their friendship has suddenly shifted. His mind plays small moments spent with Castiel over the blank white door across the hall. The small quirks that he thought were ‘just Cas’ morph into subtle hints about his feelings for Dean. The deep conversations they’d had, the small touches here and there, the glances across the room, they all mean something different now and Dean was too blind to see them. Dean was too caught up in preserving what they’d had that he didn’t leave room for the future and now he wasn’t sure there would be a future for him and Castiel. He played these thoughts over and over in his mind as he drifted into a restless night’s sleep.
He snaps his eyes open as he startles himself awake early the next morning. He’s curled up in the middle of the bed, lying horizontal across it instead of vertical, the position he’d eventually fallen asleep in while staring at Castiel’s door. It’s still closed now and the sight makes Dean’s heart ache. He pads over to it and opens the door quietly, Castiel isn’t in there but his bed is unmade, which mean’s he’s been home since last night. Dean breathes a sigh of relief and takes a quick trip through the house, not finding Castiel anywhere else. He must be avoiding me. The thought hurts more than Dean had imagined it would. He drags himself back to bed to try and get a little more rest, but ends up just tangling himself in the covers as he tosses and turns. Giving up on sleep, Dean makes his way to the kitchen to brew some coffee, then he cleans up the rest of the party mess and goes to the porch to sit quietly and think. Somehow, in some way, he has to make this right. He’s not really even sure what Castiel is thinking right now, but he knows that he needs to tell Castiel how he feels now before something else happens and he loses his chance. But first he has to talk to Jo. Dean sits out on the porch and drinks coffee until mid morning when he hears activity in the kitchen. He investigates and finds Jo, looking extremely hung over, barely keeping her eyes open as she pours a cup of coffee and makes her way clumsily over to the table. As soon as she’s seated she lays her forehead flat against the surface and groans.
“No kidding,” Dean says and he sits across the table from her. Jo lifts her head just slightly and sees Dean, then flushes red with embarrassment and buries her head in her arms.
“Dean I am so sorry.” Jo groans as she shakes her head, then lifts it slowly, “I didn’t, I mean… I remember, but, God I’m sorry.”
“Hey, Jo,” Dean reaches over and grasps her forearm gently, “don’t worry about it. I get it. It’s fine, we kissed a little because you were trashed and I was tipsy, shit happens. I have a question to ask though.” Jo’s eyebrow lifts slightly and Dean continues after he takes another large gulp of coffee and braces himself for the conversation. “Did Cas ever mention he had feelings for me? Like, that he liked me more than just friends, or something?”
Jo makes a small choking sound and looks at him suspiciously, “no, I mean, no.”
“Jo, it’s cool. I need the truth, it’s really important.” Dean reassures her and Jo relaxes a little.
“Fine,” Jo takes her own large drink of coffee and a deep sigh before continuing, “he may have mentioned something about feelings for you.”
“Something about feelings or actual feelings? Jo come on.” Dean squeezes a little harder on her arm to try and emphasize the importance.
“Look, you didn’t hear it from me.” Jo starts and then looks around for listeners, there’s no one except Ash on the sofa, but he’s still passed out. “Okay. He likes you, a lot. Possibly more than a lot. Actually no, he’s really into you.” Dean lets out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding as Jo continues, “I’ve been trying to help him get your attention but you’re impossible! Like the hardest person in the world to get to notice you, I should know I spent half my high school career trying to get you to look at me.” Dean snorts remembering when he finally realized Jo had a crush on him, not her most elegant moment that’s for sure. “Dean, don’t quote me, but the guy might be in love with you.”
Dean gulps hard around the lump in his throat, “are you serious?” He croaks out.
“He never said it, but God, Dean, can’t you see the way he looks at you?” Dean thinks back on last night at the party, before the kiss and sees it clearly. How could I be so fucking blind.
Dean gets up and immediately runs to his room to throw on whatever clothes he can reach and heads out to find Castiel. He drives around all day and just looks, every guy on the street with shaggy hair turns his head, but it’s never Castiel. He even drives to school and searches the campus, the library, the pond. He’s not there. When dinner rolls around he drives to the diner where he had his date with Lisa, and the place he used to take Castiel, but he’s not there either. Eventually when it’s dusk he finds his way home. Sam and Gabriel are huddled together on the couch and Jo and Ash are sitting together at the kitchen table. They all stand up and turn to him when he walks in. Dean gets a feeling of instant terror when he sees the look on their faces, something must be wrong. Sam steps forward and grabs his shoulders.
“Dean, where have you been?” Sam’s grabbing him hard and the look on his face is pure concern.
“Dude, calm down,” Dean shrugs his brothers hands off his shoulder, “I was looking for Cas.” Sam’s face relaxes and everyone in the room breathes a sigh of relief. “What the hell did you guys think? I walk in here and you’re all,” Dean gestures widely at each of them, “like this and you tell me you’re concerned for me? Cas is missing!”
“No, Dean. He’s here. He got home like a half hour after you ran out,” Jo says from the table.
“Seriously?” Dean groans and makes his way towards the stairs but Sam put a hand out to stop him, “Sammy let go, I need-“
“Dean, calm down.” Sam pushes him back gently, “right now he needs a little time. He’s still upset. He came home smashed and he’s been puking and brooding all day.”
“He came home smashed?” Dean’s voice goes up an octave.
“Yeah, he busted in and almost fell over, I grabbed him and asked if he was drunk. He told me not to ask stupid questions.” Gabriel snickers from his perch on the couch’s arm rest and Sam glares briefly at him in response before continuing. “He told me he found the liquor store last night and drank it.”
“Shit.” Dean feels everything drain out of him at that point. He did this to Castiel, his friend; he can’t believe how much of an idiot he is. He gives Sam a small defeated nod and Sam lets him go. Dean can barely drag himself up the stairs, suddenly exhausted from the lack of sleep and weight of his guilt. He folds into himself on the bed, but stays facing Castiel’s door, which is still closed but he can hear music leaking out from under the door. Music? Dean turns his head and finds that Castiel has stolen his record player and a good amount of records from the bookshelf in his room. He sighs deeply and shifts himself on the bed to a more comfortable position. Dean stays like that the rest of the day, staring at Castiel’s door, or reading a book, or eating, staying on his bed and always keeping an eye on the door. A few times Castiel comes out and Dean perks up, trying to grab his friend’s attention but Castiel never looks at him. Even from across the room Dean can see Castiel’s eyes are still red and puffy, which make the blue of them more brilliant than usual. Not an appropriate thought, Winchester. As Castiel slams the door again, Dean shakes himself and resolves to finish the book he’s working on before he has to return to school tomorrow. School. Dean hadn’t thought about how their fight would affect school. He groans as he realizes Castiel won’t be near him. Won’t walk to class with him, or eat lunch with him, or study in the library with him. A pit in his stomach forms as he thinks about Castiel doing those things with someone else. He shuts the door then, the white slab of wood becoming too much of a reminder of all the shit he’d fucked up. He drifts through another fitful nights’ sleep and wakes before his alarm the next morning. Everyone is up and ready for school by the time he drags himself out of bed though. He throws on clothes and brushes his teeth but skips breakfast. Jo and Ash are waiting for him by the Impala but there’s no sign of Castiel.
“He walked,” Jo confirms as she sees Dean scanning the area. He nods and they pile in.
His classes aren’t too difficult this semester so the first day is pretty easy. He eats lunch silently with Jo and Ash who chatter on about their classes and the party and everything else they can think of. Dean’s pretty sure they’re hoping he’ll join in but he just eats his lunch in silence and leaves, muttering about going for a walk before the next class. He wanders over to the pond and sits for a while staring at the water. The place holds a lot of memories and it should hurt to be here, but as Dean watches the water it only calms him. He gets up and drags himself through the rest of his day, going through the motions but not really taking in much of what’s going on. He’s not thinking about Castiel specifically. He’s replaying their friendship in his mind, picking out points when they could have turned into something more. He loses track though, there’s too many and he kicks himself for not seeing them. The first week and a half of school goes by like this. Dean gets up, goes to school, goes home, studies, eats, and sleeps. He hangs out with Sam and Gabriel too, but when they leave at the end of the week his only other distraction leaves with them. Castiel pops up here and there while he’s walking around campus or ducking into the bathroom, but mostly he doesn’t see much of him. He just sees the signs that Castiel has been there. Records keep going missing in his room, toothpaste is smeared in the sink, or a new box of Castiel’s favorite cereal magically appears in the pantry. When they are in the same room Castiel pretends Dean’s invisible, but Dean can’t stop staring at him. It’s pathetic and everyone else is getting annoyed, but Dean can’t bring himself to speak to his friend. He wouldn’t know where to start.
After class on Thursday, Dean picks up an apple from the kitchen and starts to head to his room. “Oh no hotshot. You sit the fuck down.” Jo calls as she and Ash enter the kitchen side by side and block his exit. Dean sits and they pull up chairs on both sides of him to prevent escape.
“We’re sick of your brooding.” Ash starts.
“You need to get a grip.” Jo continues.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.” Dean’s lying and they all know it.
“Shut it. We’re done, okay? Mourning period is over.” Dean opens his mouth to protest but Jo holds up a hand to silence him and continues, “if you don’t get a grip and talk to Castiel soon, we’re both going to seal the house and shoot ourselves so that you’re forced to talk to survive.”
“We have a pact, don’t make us use it.” Ash threatens as he flips a paper in front of Dean’s face.
“But,” Dean starts.
“No ‘but’s Dean. Sam made us promise we would put a stop to this before he left. Now seems like a good time. You’ve been avoiding each other for almost two weeks and you haven’t spoken a word to anyone other than what you’ve had to. If you don’t man up and go talk about your feelings, you’re going to lose Castiel and any chance you ever had with him.” Jo smacks the back of his head and stands.
“Go. Fix. Your. Shit.” Ash threatens, pointing his finger closer to Dean’s face with each word until it’s jabbing painfully into Dean’s forehead. “Don’t make us come back here.”
Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Epilogue |