♋ ACT III > GIVE ALL THE ADVICE

[kinda_crabby]

[Having been rendered ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED by the plague of cooties, Karkat has sequestered himself beneath his human rejuvenation platform within his human abode. This means he has been hiding under his bed like a wuss for a while. Eventually, out of unhealthy curiosity, he listens in on his AUDIO HOOK

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[ergaleomancer]

[[brb laughing]]

[moemoetentacles]

[Someone else has also been hiding in her room for the past day or so, similarly terrified of this horrible unknown human plague. So this phone call is like a godsend for Mayfield's resident squidperson.]

Wait, you know about the human plague that's going around?

[kinda_crabby]

Yeah, I do. Intimately. That description is valid in several ways that I would rather not get into.

If you haven't already, I suggest hiding somewhere alone and not coming into contact with anyone. Quarantine is obviously the only answer to this.

[moemoetentacles]

But I'm already infected! My forehead is hot and my heart keeps beating faster than normal and my palms are itchy!

[kinda_crabby]

Wow! Tee em eye. Whatever. Okay, look, you're obviously too far gone, so the only advice I can give you if you're trying to not succumb to the romantic urges the disease fills you with is to forever keep yourself from everyone.

Forever.

Everyone.

[hontobakabaka]

"So I have to ask, do you have a cure for the condition that is going about other than temporary death?"

[kinda_crabby]

Quarantine. There is no cure.

[doublerinbow]

Wow, you put in a lot of hours! ♪

... But you know, you never said if your advice actually worked! Sounds like a trick to me, hehehe.

[kinda_crabby]

That right there is what we call a reasonable assumption. Why else would I offer to help out you people if wouldn't work? That'd be a waste on everyone's parts, most importantly my own.

That would be nothing more than a half-assed attempt at trolling and I don't troll about relationships. And if you need any evidence, plenty of my advice has helped my moronic friends not screw up, which is what romance comes down to.

It's not a matter of getting it right or doing what's correct, because that doesn't exist. It's a matter of doing what's not wrong.

[doublerinbow]

Well, you did introduce yourself as a "troll master", you know. ♪ Why shouldn't someone assume you're trolling? Or at least trying to make yourself look important.

It's sweet that you're actually serious about it though! ♪

[kinda_crabby]

The word 'troll' has many different meanings in my culture, even if one of them is admittedly what you had assumed--which I am damn good at, but that is not what I'm doing here. And I am the 'troll master' for numerous reasons, including but not limited to trolling like no one's business, being the leader of the trolls present here, and some other things.

Anyway, sweet? Let's call it pity and move on.

[tsunslut]

Hah, I'm not stupid enough to fall for whatever everyone else is falling for.

[kinda_crabby]

There is nothing here to fall for. This is genuine, legitimate advice I am offering here. The only thing to 'fall for' is to 'fall for' my offer, which will leave you educated and enriched.

Oh wait, no, I can see why that would be terrible.

[tsunslut]

I-I meant all this stupid love stuff. Relationships are a waste of time.

[kinda_crabby]

That is a pretty damn safe and minimally mind-numbing way to go about it, but those sort of people still run into it and seem to have the most trouble with it of all.

It's like going all your life never tasting the delicacy cotton candy while everyone else has it all the time: you don't care, maybe you're even trying to avoid it, but once you get a taste of it, you're addicted, no matter what you say. Everyone else who had it all the time? Having it again doesn't wreck them.

Point is: good idea, hard to do.