♋ ACT II > BE THE JERK

[kinda_crabby]

[> Karkat spent the last few days being a very productive Troll. By which I mean, Karkat has spent the week bouncing between UNIMAGINABLY FURIOUS, RIDICULOUSLY SAD, and just generally REALLY MISERABLE. He is only now finally deciding to actually use this "phone" whatsits and reach out to all these humans.Alright, first of all, I am going to take a

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[ra_ra_razputin]

[When he hears the word 'alien', Raz can't help but picture something along the lines of Zim. This guy sounds about as loud and annoying, too.]

Uh, well, you can always start by putting one foot in front of the other.

[kinda_crabby]

These one-on-one conversations are turning out to be really impractical!

Okay, even though I'll have to repeat this a thousand times: I'm supposed to have two legs and two arms and eat with my mouth. I know how to walk!

[ra_ra_razputin]

[Yyyyep, definitely as loud and annoying.]

You didn't specify anything!

[kinda_crabby]

If I were stupid enough not to know how to walk, I'd have choked to death thinking this phone was an ugly fruit! A majestic ugly fruit growing in the untamed wilderness of my bedroom, seeming ripe for the plucking and to get around the unbreakable outer shell I decided to swallow it whole.

[ariesapocalypse]

Human bodies must be standard issue, here. I got one, too.

[kinda_crabby]

[> Karkat, recognize creepy apathetic voice immediately. Respond with typical clueless dumbfounded response.]

Aradia?

[ariesapocalypse]

Of course. Who else?

[kinda_crabby]

WHO ELSE? Anyone else! You exploded! I mean, all of you exploded. All of the yous!

Every one of the you exploded, including the last one! Who exploded for seemingly no reason.

[notsaul]

Okay, I was a human for, like, two whole weeks and it fucking SUCKED, but it gave me some important wisdom so shut the fuck up and listen.

Uno: Eating raw meat when you don't have the digestive system for it? Totally sucks.

Dos: You are probably not strong enough to punch through a brick wall right now, so don't try.

Uh... Tortilla: It's really cold outside. Clothes are no longer optional.

Fuck, what was the next one... Quanto: Really gotta stress the raw meat thing. Really do.

[kinda_crabby]

Right, great, no raw meat, clothes are required, and I can't punch down walls. I'll wait to get my real body back before I revert to being a psychopathic barbarian.

[notsaul]

Yeah, it's total bullshit but the wait's not that bad!

[kinda_crabby]

Tell me about it. Now I have to cancel my naked wall-punching party for tonight. What am I supposed to do with all the raw meat I got for it NOW?

[bullsit]

Oh, uuuh, hey Karkat.

And I guess I can't really answer, uh, most of your questions. Or, uh, any of them really, sorry.

[kinda_crabby]

Oh.

Oh. No, you answered all of them. We're all dead and this is our afterlife of punishment for being complete and total morons.

[bullsit]

Oh.

Well, uh, that is good, I guess, about the questions and all.

[kinda_crabby]

What the Hell is the last thing you remember doing back at the base, Tavros?

[letunityblossom]

Ah, if you tell me what you're used to doing in your--ah, regular body--I can tell you things you shouldn't do.

[kinda_crabby]

I swear that if any of these warnings involve dangling bits or eating things with my mouth, I am going to strangle myself with this phone cord.

[letunityblossom]

I-I'm sure those are all too obvious to mention? But there might be differences in strength or things poisonous to a human that aren't to you...

[kinda_crabby]

It feels like I'm going to snap this thing! What the Hell do you humans do to get such shitty bodies? Prance around in your Earth meadows like some girl? Good Gog, John and the others never looked as useless as I feel right now, this is ridiculous. Seriously.

Okay, whatever. This is stupid. I can go outside in the sun, which is pretty amazing.