Fic: All or Nothing (6/?)
Title: All or Nothing (6/?)
Author: totallytamara
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of the people portrayed in this story, therefore I don’t own them, either. This wasn’t written in the spirit of offending anyone, it was written for the sake of creativity. I’m not making any money from this; it’s just for fun!
Summary: Adam was such an important piece of him and Kris couldn’t even begin to imagine his life without Adam in it. Kris didn’t even remember what anything was like before Adam had waltzed into his life with his smooth black hair and freckly skin and bright smile. He had no idea who he was without Adam.
Notes: Hey guys! I’m so sorry that this took a while took post, but things have been kind of hectic since I have exams next week. But it’s finally here! Kind of angsty because it’s the remainder of the back story, but at least we’ll finally be able to get to some happy times after this! Comments are fantastalistic as always. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!
Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5
Note: the first part of this chapter is a flashback. The ***'s signify the beginning of the present tense. I'm sorry if you were confused! Make sure that you've read the previous parts otherwise you'll definitely be lost!
If Kris didn’t already regret getting shit-faced the previous night, he sure as hell did when he woke up in the morning. His head felt like it weighed 1000 pounds and he felt nauseous and queasy and just… awful. Rubbing his eyes slowly, pain shooting through him, he sat up from where he was laying down, trying hard not to open his eyes too wide for fear that there would be immense amounts of light streaming into his bedroom, and that would just make his hangover much, much worse. But when Kris carefully cracked an eye open to look at his surroundings, he wasn’t in his bedroom. He was in the living room, and instantly, looking at the cream-coloured walls and the tan carpet, all the memories he’d been trying to drink away the night before just jumped at him. The images of what had happened, between losing his daughter and losing Adam, came at him with such force, Kris thought he was going to be sick. His head throbbed and he felt like one of those brown paper bags of dog shit that people set on fire and throw on someone else’s front porch. He felt like shit.
After sitting on the couch for what seemed to be forever, cradling his face in his hands, Kris finally decided to get up and find some extra strength Tylenol or whatever he could get his hands on because the Lord only knew how crappy he felt. He finally found a bottle of Tylenol and took three pills, hoping that they would get to work and make him feel better soon. Kris sat back down on the couch, a drink of water in his hands, and he couldn’t help but notice how similar this felt to the night prior. Holding a cup for dear life, sitting on the couch wallowing in self-pity; it was the exact same scenario, except now he was wallowing with a killer headache and nausea to match. Kris groaned, wishing the pain, physical and emotional, to just get out and never come back. But he was afraid that the only thing he had managed to rid himself of forever was his best friend.
Kris lay on the couch for the majority of the morning, just trying to feel better. Eventually, when he finally felt like he could stand up somewhat steadily and like he wouldn’t puke up his insides, he went into the bathroom and had a shower. He had this mentality, this weird false sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, if he scrubbed his body enough, if he scrubbed himself raw, maybe everything that happened would just wash down the drain along with the soap that ran down his body. But Kris realized that this was the stupidest idea in the world and he settled on the fact that things were never going to be the same for him again. Once Kris finished his shower, he dressed in the comfiest clothes he had and walked slowly to the living room to retrieve his car keys. Once he found them, he got into his hybrid and drove to the hospital. He just needed to see Katy. Kris was sure she was the only person he had left.
Kris got to the hospital and, before he attempted to find Katy, he went to the gift shop and picked up a cute little stuffed bear holding a heart that he thought Katy would like. Then Kris approached the nurses’ station and, with no problems at all, the nurses told him exactly where Katy was. Kris was glad that he was allowed to see her, glad that the hospital wasn’t asking a bunch of questions or whatever it was hospitals did. Kris didn’t even know, didn’t even care.
Kris wandered around the halls until he finally found the room that Katy was in. The door was open, but just to warn Katy and whoever else was in there that he was entering, he knocked lightly on the door before taking a few cautious steps inside. He was kind of scared to see Katy, afraid that she’d be hooked up to a bunch of machines and she’d be super pale and would look like death. But the image he had in his head, the way he pictured Katy’s appearance in the hospital bed was nothing compared to the actual, real life Katy in a hospital bed. She looked sickly. She looked horrible. She didn’t look like Katy at all.
Kris approached Katy with caution, afraid that if he came at her too fast, she’d just drop dead. With the way she looked so pale and fragile, Kris didn’t think that the thought was all that impossible. Finally, Kris reached the side of Katy’s bed where a chair was already situated near her head. He sat down, and Katy looked into his eyes. The look she was giving him was filled with so many emotions that Kris couldn’t really place them all. But he knew that Katy was hurting… a lot. Her eyes were rimmed red and puffy. He was sure she had been crying excessively the day prior and probably hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep.
“Hi,” Kris finally managed to say after just watching Katy for a few moments. “How are you?”
“Terrible,” Katy admitted, shrugging her shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal. She had just had a miscarriage, and Kris wasn’t even sure what that meant for his wife, but he knew what it had meant for his baby. Katy seemed to be able to track Kris’s thoughts and she looked away from him, her hand reflexively going to her tummy like it did whenever she got upset. It was just her way of comforting her child. But there wasn’t a child there to comfort anymore…
“I-I’m sorry,” Kris said softly as he stood from his chair and leaned slightly over Katy’s bed to get closer to her. He kissed her temple lightly and Katy let out a sob that she had obviously been holding in.
“Kris… I don’t… How am I supposed to live with myself, knowing I did this to her?” Katy asked, her words mixing with the tears now falling rapidly down her cheeks, making what she said hard to understand.
“Don’t say that! You didn’t do this to her. It was just… it was… I don’t know what it was. I’m just as confused and upset as you are. Believe me,” Kris responded, grabbing hold of Katy’s hand, the one the IV was hooked up to.
“You don’t get it…” Katy muttered quietly, looking away from Kris.
Kris couldn’t believe his ears when those words left Katy’s mouth. He was dumfounded and a little bit offended. He let go of Katy’s hand. “I don’t get it? Excuse me? She was just as much my child as she was yours, Katy,” Kris said angrily, really not meaning to come off so harsh. But it was too late to correct himself, to say that it was wrong to talk to her like that. He didn’t want to apologize, either. Katy was the one who was out of line.
“Just… I don’t want to fight with you right now, alright? I’ve had a rough 24 hours, and I’m not saying that you didn’t either because I know she was your baby too, but she was my baby. I was the one responsible for making sure she came into this world safe and healthy and now that’s all screwed up. She’s gone,” Katy cried, angry tears continuing to fall. Kris didn’t have a response. Instead, he just took Katy’s hand into his again and held onto it, not too tightly because he didn’t want to hurt her, but tight enough that she understood that Kris was sorry and that he was really scared. And, most importantly, that he needed her.
After sitting in silence for a while, Katy sighed softly and looked into Kris’s eyes. “You look like hell,” she observed, smiling just slightly. It was a sad smile.
“I feel like hell,” Kris replied quietly, squeezing Katy’s hand a little.
“I know,” Katy whispered, squeezing Kris’s hand back. “Are things ever going to get better? It feels like… it feels like I have nothing left. Like everything’s gone and like my life’s going to feel empty forever. It’s not going to be like this forever, right?”
“I… Katy, I really don’t know. I’m sorry; I wish I could answer you. I wish I could tell you that tomorrow everything will be sunshine and rainbows again, but I can’t. ‘Cause I don’t know. But what I do know is that we have each other. We can get through anything,” Kris answered, but he felt like it was a half-assed reply. Kris just couldn’t bring himself to promise her that everything would be okay because he wasn’t even sure himself if things would ever feel happy again. Katy smiled at Kris so, so slightly, but the smile she gave him was almost… cold. Katy removed her hand from Kris’s and turned on her side so her back was now facing him, and Kris felt certain now that he knew his fate. Things definitely would not be okay. Katy seemed like she was distancing herself from Kris, like she just didn’t want him there anymore. And Kris was never one to force himself on people. So as soon as her back was to him for more than a minute and he was sure that their conversation was over, Kris stood up from the chair he was sitting in and sat the stuffed bear he had been holding the whole time on Katy’s night side table. Then he shuffled out of the room, his head hung low. He felt defeated. He felt like he really didn’t have anything stable anymore. He wasn’t even sure why Katy was acting so weird all of a sudden, but he knew that he couldn’t deal with her on top of everything else that he was struggling to cope with.
Kris exited the hospital, all the while trying to hold in tears. Kris wasn’t much of a crier but he had never wanted to cry so much in his entire life than he did in that very moment. What did Kris have left? A recording contract? Fame? Fortune? Who the hell cared about that! He didn’t have friends, he didn’t have a family. He didn’t have love. And as far as Kris was concerned, those three things were his life. Those three people were his life. And he felt like he’d just let them all slip through his fingers. And all in the span of 24 hours, no less.
Kris finally got to his car and just sat in front of the wheel, letting the tears fall. He didn’t care if he looked weak or broken or small because that’s what he was. He sat in his car crying for at least half an hour before he finally decided that he was solving nothing by crying. Kris never was the person to sit around while things were in disarray and just let the chips fall where they may. He was a doer and he always tried to change a situation when he didn’t like it. Kris absolutely hated the situation he was in. With that thought in his head, Kris put his key into the ignition and began to drive slowly towards Adam’s house. He had to at least fix his relationship with Adam. Adam was such an important piece of him and Kris couldn’t even begin to imagine his life without Adam in it. Kris didn’t even remember what anything was like before Adam had waltzed into his life with his smooth black hair and freckly skin and bright smile. He had no idea who he was without Adam.
When Kris finally got to Adam’s condo, he just sat in front of the bricked building for a little while, not quite ready to face Adam. Face what he had done. Kris had just been running for 24 hours and it felt like he was participating in a marathon. He was just running and running from everything and everyone, and now he had to make the long walk home. The long walk back to reality. Kris knew that Adam was pissed. He had to be pissed. And upset and shocked and confused and disgusted by Kris’s behaviour. But Kris couldn’t change it. He couldn’t take anything back. After contemplating what he should say to Adam and how he should say it for a few more minutes, Kris finally exited his hybrid, closing the door lightly behind him. He climbed the steps to Adam’s front porch and knocked three times on his bright red front door. Then, he waited. Waited for anything. A punch or a lecture or… anything. Kris wasn’t sure what Adam would do to him once he saw him.
No sooner did Kris stuff his hands in his pockets to begin the undoubtedly long wait for Adam to answer his door did he appear, opening it wide with happy, expecting eyes. As soon as Adam realized that it was Kris on the other end of his door, his excited expression changed into one that Kris could only describe as complete and utter hate. Adam shook his head, like he was disgusted that Kris could even show his face at his house, and then began to shut the door. But Kris shoved his foot in the space between the door and the frame, preventing it from closing any further. “Stop. Just… hear me out. Please.” Kris struggled to keep the door open as Adam kept trying to close it, and it felt like Adam was doing some serious damage to his foot. But he’d muttered those words into the crack in the door and just hoped, prayed that it would be enough to get through to Adam, if only for a second. It worked. Adam stopped pushing the door against Kris’s foot and he heard Adam’s footsteps retreating into the house. Kris took it as his cue to enter.
Being inside Adam’s home brought a strange comfort to Kris. The place was like his second home. Adam was like his second home. Or at least he used to be. Kris sighed, hating himself more than he ever had. He took a seat next to Adam who was already sitting on the leather couch in the centre of the room, waiting expectantly for Kris to tell him whatever the hell it was he needed to say so he could just get Kris out of his house.
“I… Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it, does it?” Kris began after sitting beside Adam in silence for a few moments.
“Nope,” Adam answered, not even looking at Kris. Kris felt his heart throb, like someone had just grabbed hold of it and had put all their strength into squeezing it. Adam always looked at the person he was speaking to. Always. He’d told Kris that it was just something he did to be respectful because he appreciated everyone and wanted to make sure they knew that. So why wasn’t Adam looking at him?
“Well, you have to know that I am. Sorry, I mean. Extremely sorry. Like, sorrier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I was way out of line,” Kris said quietly, looking at Adam through his eyelashes, silently begging Adam to just look at him. Just one little glance would do.
“Ha!” Adam snorted harshly. That cruel laugh was like a stake to Kris’s heart. Everything Adam was doing was just breaking Kris. But Kris knew that the way he had acted the night before had broken Adam.
“I deserve that…” Kris choked out, not really sure what else to say.
“You just… how could you? I don’t even care that you punched me in the face. Well, I mean, I do, but you were drunk and you weren’t thinking clearly and I get it… we all do stupid stuff when we’re drunk. But how could you do that? How could you even drink? That’s not you. That’s not the Kris I know and love. What happened to you?” Adam asked, his voice so soft that Kris had to really pay attention to hear all of what Adam was saying.
“I-I don’t know. I wish I could tell you. I was just so devastated by everything and I just thought that if I got plastered I wouldn’t remember any of it today and it would be like nothing ever happened,” Kris tried to explain, but he realized as he was verbalizing everything that his excuse was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.
“You have to know that doesn’t solve anything. Ever. It just makes things worse,” Adam replied, finally, finally, looking at Kris. It was only for a brief second, and his eyes were still hard and angry but Kris didn’t even care. It was a start. It was a look.
“You’re right,” Kris said. “I was an idiot. Am an idiot. I know there’s no way I can ever make it up to you.”
“Probably not,” Adam agreed, scoffing a little.
“I’m sorry,” Kris repeated quietly. He felt tears threatening his eyes again but he held them back. He didn’t want to look weak in front of Adam.
They sat in silence for a little while, Adam seeming like he was refusing to be the first one to talk. Kris didn’t really know what to say though. What could he say? He’d pretty much abused the right to be Adam’s friend.
“Can I ask you something?” Kris asked, suddenly very curious. “Why did you come over last night? You don’t usually just show up unannounced.” At the mention of his reasoning for his visit, Adam tensed. He looked like he was scared, like that was one subject he didn’t think they would have to touch.
“It doesn’t matter,” Adam replied, his voice so cold and distant, like it wasn’t even Adam.
“It matters to me. Please,” Kris said, sounding disjointed. Kris just hoped that pleading with Adam would be enough.
Adam sighed heavily, dramatically. “Fine. I was there because I had to talk to you about something. I wasn’t even sure what I was gonna say or anything and I didn’t even want to say it. Luckily I never had to,” Adam explained vaguely.
“I don’t understand. What did you have to talk to me about?” Kris asked.
“What does it matter now? It’s over, Kris. Forget about it,” Adam replied harshly.
“Just… tell me. We don’t keep secrets. Our friendship is as strong as it is because we’re honest with each other, no matter how hard it is,” Kris said.
“What friendship?” Adam snapped. “There is no friendship anymore. That was the whole point.”
“The whole point of what?!” Kris was getting irritated. He really just wanted Adam to spit it out instead of beating around the bush.
“The whole point of me coming to see you last night! I came over to tell you that we can’t see each other anymore!” Adam yelled, exasperated. Between the way Adam was talking to him and the words that were coming out of his mouth, Kris wasn’t sure which hurt more. But it hurt. A lot. Kris felt like crying all over again.
“What?” Kris’s voice was barely audible, and the tears had finally broken through. Adam looked at Kris for a split second, and his eyes looked tortured, like he couldn’t even believe that he was saying this to Kris. But then he looked away and his eyes hardened. “A-Adam, what are you saying? What are you talking about?” Kris choked on his tears.
“I’m saying that we can’t be friends anymore,” Adam replied, and hearing it all again just put another huge hole in Kris’s heart.
“Why not?” Kris asked, his tears turning angry. He didn’t understand and he hated being left in the dark and Adam was just frustrating him.
“Because,” Adam said slowly, drawing out each syllable. “Because I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
“What are you talking about?! Adam, why are you saying that?! Why wouldn’t you want to be friends with me anymore?! After last night I would understand but you said you were coming over to… to break up with me! What did I do wrong?” Kris was so angry and upset and he couldn’t control his voice anymore. He practically screamed at Adam, and he noticed Adam flinch briefly before composing himself, a cold statue in front of Kris’s crumpling form.
“I’m sorry. I just think it’d be best if we just left each other alone. It would be easier for both of us if we just stopped talking,” Adam explained, sounding like he was so sure that this was the right decision. Kris wasn’t buying it.
“You’re fucking nuts! How would things be better?! I-I thought we were best friends…” Kris was desperate. He didn’t understand any of this and he just wanted Adam to tell him that he was joking and everything was okay.
“We’re not. Just believe me, alright? You’re not my best friend and my life would be so much better if you just got the hell out of it,” Adam replied. Kris sobbed, his face soaked in tears he forgot were falling. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t handle Adam’s cruelty and he couldn’t handle losing him all over again. Kris thought that they’d solve everything, that things would go back to normal after they’d just had the chance to talk, but Adam clearly wanted nothing to do with Kris. And that hurt Kris more than he’d ever admit.
“Fine. If you don’t want anything to do with me, that’s fine. Your wish is my command,” Kris spat, standing from Adam’s couch and striding towards the front door, anger fueling each step. He really didn’t want to leave things like this, leave this huge, gaping hole in their friendship, but what choice did he have? There wasn’t anything left to say, and clearly Adam wasn’t going to be swayed. He had made his mind up and he never wanted to see Kris again. And as much as it killed Kris to walk out that door, get into his hybrid and drive away from Adam, he had to. Because more than anything, Kris wanted Adam to be happy. And if Adam was happy without Kris, then Kris would just have to get over it. Except, Kris wasn’t so sure if Adam was one of those people that you could just forget about.
***
Kris couldn’t even believe that his life had been in such turmoil just a month ago. Sure, his life wasn’t perfect at that moment, either; he and Katy were separated, for one, and he and Adam still had to talk and figure out where they stood, but things were looking up. Kris felt optimistic, like everything would work itself out. He felt hopeful. Kris hadn’t felt hopeful in a long time.
Kris sighed, hating how things had transpired between himself and Adam. The way he had treated Adam was terrible, but the way Adam had treated him was pretty horrible, too. They had both acted stupidly and cruelly and Kris’s heart panged every time he thought about what had happened. But Kris always believed that everything happens for a reason and that whatever’s meant to be will be.
Kris began to think about what he was going to say to Adam about the whole situation, but he didn’t get very far in his thoughts. A soft knocking came from his front door, and Kris jumped off the couch, all too excited to see Adam. Kris flung the door open, and there he was. The only man that had ever broken Kris’s heart. And the man who had somehow, after only just one night, managed to put it back together again. Adam was smiling like an idiot, and Kris laughed, his own teeth being exposed. Adam’s eyes were sparkling and he was wearing a jacket with sequins on it and his hair was perfectly tousled and… wow. He looked amazing.
“Are you ready to go?” Adam asked, that perfect, perfect smile still there. And it was all for Kris.
“Of course,” Kris replied, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack beside the door and then locking up the house. He followed Adam to his hybrid, the twin of Kris’s car, and hopped in the passenger seat. Adam weaved his way to the driver’s side and got in, turning to look at Kris. And he was still smiling. Kris couldn’t wipe the smile from his own face, either. And the whole car ride, both Kris and Adam just kept smiling.
Author: totallytamara
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of the people portrayed in this story, therefore I don’t own them, either. This wasn’t written in the spirit of offending anyone, it was written for the sake of creativity. I’m not making any money from this; it’s just for fun!
Summary: Adam was such an important piece of him and Kris couldn’t even begin to imagine his life without Adam in it. Kris didn’t even remember what anything was like before Adam had waltzed into his life with his smooth black hair and freckly skin and bright smile. He had no idea who he was without Adam.
Notes: Hey guys! I’m so sorry that this took a while took post, but things have been kind of hectic since I have exams next week. But it’s finally here! Kind of angsty because it’s the remainder of the back story, but at least we’ll finally be able to get to some happy times after this! Comments are fantastalistic as always. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!
Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5
Note: the first part of this chapter is a flashback. The ***'s signify the beginning of the present tense. I'm sorry if you were confused! Make sure that you've read the previous parts otherwise you'll definitely be lost!
If Kris didn’t already regret getting shit-faced the previous night, he sure as hell did when he woke up in the morning. His head felt like it weighed 1000 pounds and he felt nauseous and queasy and just… awful. Rubbing his eyes slowly, pain shooting through him, he sat up from where he was laying down, trying hard not to open his eyes too wide for fear that there would be immense amounts of light streaming into his bedroom, and that would just make his hangover much, much worse. But when Kris carefully cracked an eye open to look at his surroundings, he wasn’t in his bedroom. He was in the living room, and instantly, looking at the cream-coloured walls and the tan carpet, all the memories he’d been trying to drink away the night before just jumped at him. The images of what had happened, between losing his daughter and losing Adam, came at him with such force, Kris thought he was going to be sick. His head throbbed and he felt like one of those brown paper bags of dog shit that people set on fire and throw on someone else’s front porch. He felt like shit.
After sitting on the couch for what seemed to be forever, cradling his face in his hands, Kris finally decided to get up and find some extra strength Tylenol or whatever he could get his hands on because the Lord only knew how crappy he felt. He finally found a bottle of Tylenol and took three pills, hoping that they would get to work and make him feel better soon. Kris sat back down on the couch, a drink of water in his hands, and he couldn’t help but notice how similar this felt to the night prior. Holding a cup for dear life, sitting on the couch wallowing in self-pity; it was the exact same scenario, except now he was wallowing with a killer headache and nausea to match. Kris groaned, wishing the pain, physical and emotional, to just get out and never come back. But he was afraid that the only thing he had managed to rid himself of forever was his best friend.
Kris lay on the couch for the majority of the morning, just trying to feel better. Eventually, when he finally felt like he could stand up somewhat steadily and like he wouldn’t puke up his insides, he went into the bathroom and had a shower. He had this mentality, this weird false sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, if he scrubbed his body enough, if he scrubbed himself raw, maybe everything that happened would just wash down the drain along with the soap that ran down his body. But Kris realized that this was the stupidest idea in the world and he settled on the fact that things were never going to be the same for him again. Once Kris finished his shower, he dressed in the comfiest clothes he had and walked slowly to the living room to retrieve his car keys. Once he found them, he got into his hybrid and drove to the hospital. He just needed to see Katy. Kris was sure she was the only person he had left.
Kris got to the hospital and, before he attempted to find Katy, he went to the gift shop and picked up a cute little stuffed bear holding a heart that he thought Katy would like. Then Kris approached the nurses’ station and, with no problems at all, the nurses told him exactly where Katy was. Kris was glad that he was allowed to see her, glad that the hospital wasn’t asking a bunch of questions or whatever it was hospitals did. Kris didn’t even know, didn’t even care.
Kris wandered around the halls until he finally found the room that Katy was in. The door was open, but just to warn Katy and whoever else was in there that he was entering, he knocked lightly on the door before taking a few cautious steps inside. He was kind of scared to see Katy, afraid that she’d be hooked up to a bunch of machines and she’d be super pale and would look like death. But the image he had in his head, the way he pictured Katy’s appearance in the hospital bed was nothing compared to the actual, real life Katy in a hospital bed. She looked sickly. She looked horrible. She didn’t look like Katy at all.
Kris approached Katy with caution, afraid that if he came at her too fast, she’d just drop dead. With the way she looked so pale and fragile, Kris didn’t think that the thought was all that impossible. Finally, Kris reached the side of Katy’s bed where a chair was already situated near her head. He sat down, and Katy looked into his eyes. The look she was giving him was filled with so many emotions that Kris couldn’t really place them all. But he knew that Katy was hurting… a lot. Her eyes were rimmed red and puffy. He was sure she had been crying excessively the day prior and probably hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep.
“Hi,” Kris finally managed to say after just watching Katy for a few moments. “How are you?”
“Terrible,” Katy admitted, shrugging her shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal. But it was a big deal. She had just had a miscarriage, and Kris wasn’t even sure what that meant for his wife, but he knew what it had meant for his baby. Katy seemed to be able to track Kris’s thoughts and she looked away from him, her hand reflexively going to her tummy like it did whenever she got upset. It was just her way of comforting her child. But there wasn’t a child there to comfort anymore…
“I-I’m sorry,” Kris said softly as he stood from his chair and leaned slightly over Katy’s bed to get closer to her. He kissed her temple lightly and Katy let out a sob that she had obviously been holding in.
“Kris… I don’t… How am I supposed to live with myself, knowing I did this to her?” Katy asked, her words mixing with the tears now falling rapidly down her cheeks, making what she said hard to understand.
“Don’t say that! You didn’t do this to her. It was just… it was… I don’t know what it was. I’m just as confused and upset as you are. Believe me,” Kris responded, grabbing hold of Katy’s hand, the one the IV was hooked up to.
“You don’t get it…” Katy muttered quietly, looking away from Kris.
Kris couldn’t believe his ears when those words left Katy’s mouth. He was dumfounded and a little bit offended. He let go of Katy’s hand. “I don’t get it? Excuse me? She was just as much my child as she was yours, Katy,” Kris said angrily, really not meaning to come off so harsh. But it was too late to correct himself, to say that it was wrong to talk to her like that. He didn’t want to apologize, either. Katy was the one who was out of line.
“Just… I don’t want to fight with you right now, alright? I’ve had a rough 24 hours, and I’m not saying that you didn’t either because I know she was your baby too, but she was my baby. I was the one responsible for making sure she came into this world safe and healthy and now that’s all screwed up. She’s gone,” Katy cried, angry tears continuing to fall. Kris didn’t have a response. Instead, he just took Katy’s hand into his again and held onto it, not too tightly because he didn’t want to hurt her, but tight enough that she understood that Kris was sorry and that he was really scared. And, most importantly, that he needed her.
After sitting in silence for a while, Katy sighed softly and looked into Kris’s eyes. “You look like hell,” she observed, smiling just slightly. It was a sad smile.
“I feel like hell,” Kris replied quietly, squeezing Katy’s hand a little.
“I know,” Katy whispered, squeezing Kris’s hand back. “Are things ever going to get better? It feels like… it feels like I have nothing left. Like everything’s gone and like my life’s going to feel empty forever. It’s not going to be like this forever, right?”
“I… Katy, I really don’t know. I’m sorry; I wish I could answer you. I wish I could tell you that tomorrow everything will be sunshine and rainbows again, but I can’t. ‘Cause I don’t know. But what I do know is that we have each other. We can get through anything,” Kris answered, but he felt like it was a half-assed reply. Kris just couldn’t bring himself to promise her that everything would be okay because he wasn’t even sure himself if things would ever feel happy again. Katy smiled at Kris so, so slightly, but the smile she gave him was almost… cold. Katy removed her hand from Kris’s and turned on her side so her back was now facing him, and Kris felt certain now that he knew his fate. Things definitely would not be okay. Katy seemed like she was distancing herself from Kris, like she just didn’t want him there anymore. And Kris was never one to force himself on people. So as soon as her back was to him for more than a minute and he was sure that their conversation was over, Kris stood up from the chair he was sitting in and sat the stuffed bear he had been holding the whole time on Katy’s night side table. Then he shuffled out of the room, his head hung low. He felt defeated. He felt like he really didn’t have anything stable anymore. He wasn’t even sure why Katy was acting so weird all of a sudden, but he knew that he couldn’t deal with her on top of everything else that he was struggling to cope with.
Kris exited the hospital, all the while trying to hold in tears. Kris wasn’t much of a crier but he had never wanted to cry so much in his entire life than he did in that very moment. What did Kris have left? A recording contract? Fame? Fortune? Who the hell cared about that! He didn’t have friends, he didn’t have a family. He didn’t have love. And as far as Kris was concerned, those three things were his life. Those three people were his life. And he felt like he’d just let them all slip through his fingers. And all in the span of 24 hours, no less.
Kris finally got to his car and just sat in front of the wheel, letting the tears fall. He didn’t care if he looked weak or broken or small because that’s what he was. He sat in his car crying for at least half an hour before he finally decided that he was solving nothing by crying. Kris never was the person to sit around while things were in disarray and just let the chips fall where they may. He was a doer and he always tried to change a situation when he didn’t like it. Kris absolutely hated the situation he was in. With that thought in his head, Kris put his key into the ignition and began to drive slowly towards Adam’s house. He had to at least fix his relationship with Adam. Adam was such an important piece of him and Kris couldn’t even begin to imagine his life without Adam in it. Kris didn’t even remember what anything was like before Adam had waltzed into his life with his smooth black hair and freckly skin and bright smile. He had no idea who he was without Adam.
When Kris finally got to Adam’s condo, he just sat in front of the bricked building for a little while, not quite ready to face Adam. Face what he had done. Kris had just been running for 24 hours and it felt like he was participating in a marathon. He was just running and running from everything and everyone, and now he had to make the long walk home. The long walk back to reality. Kris knew that Adam was pissed. He had to be pissed. And upset and shocked and confused and disgusted by Kris’s behaviour. But Kris couldn’t change it. He couldn’t take anything back. After contemplating what he should say to Adam and how he should say it for a few more minutes, Kris finally exited his hybrid, closing the door lightly behind him. He climbed the steps to Adam’s front porch and knocked three times on his bright red front door. Then, he waited. Waited for anything. A punch or a lecture or… anything. Kris wasn’t sure what Adam would do to him once he saw him.
No sooner did Kris stuff his hands in his pockets to begin the undoubtedly long wait for Adam to answer his door did he appear, opening it wide with happy, expecting eyes. As soon as Adam realized that it was Kris on the other end of his door, his excited expression changed into one that Kris could only describe as complete and utter hate. Adam shook his head, like he was disgusted that Kris could even show his face at his house, and then began to shut the door. But Kris shoved his foot in the space between the door and the frame, preventing it from closing any further. “Stop. Just… hear me out. Please.” Kris struggled to keep the door open as Adam kept trying to close it, and it felt like Adam was doing some serious damage to his foot. But he’d muttered those words into the crack in the door and just hoped, prayed that it would be enough to get through to Adam, if only for a second. It worked. Adam stopped pushing the door against Kris’s foot and he heard Adam’s footsteps retreating into the house. Kris took it as his cue to enter.
Being inside Adam’s home brought a strange comfort to Kris. The place was like his second home. Adam was like his second home. Or at least he used to be. Kris sighed, hating himself more than he ever had. He took a seat next to Adam who was already sitting on the leather couch in the centre of the room, waiting expectantly for Kris to tell him whatever the hell it was he needed to say so he could just get Kris out of his house.
“I… Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it, does it?” Kris began after sitting beside Adam in silence for a few moments.
“Nope,” Adam answered, not even looking at Kris. Kris felt his heart throb, like someone had just grabbed hold of it and had put all their strength into squeezing it. Adam always looked at the person he was speaking to. Always. He’d told Kris that it was just something he did to be respectful because he appreciated everyone and wanted to make sure they knew that. So why wasn’t Adam looking at him?
“Well, you have to know that I am. Sorry, I mean. Extremely sorry. Like, sorrier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I was way out of line,” Kris said quietly, looking at Adam through his eyelashes, silently begging Adam to just look at him. Just one little glance would do.
“Ha!” Adam snorted harshly. That cruel laugh was like a stake to Kris’s heart. Everything Adam was doing was just breaking Kris. But Kris knew that the way he had acted the night before had broken Adam.
“I deserve that…” Kris choked out, not really sure what else to say.
“You just… how could you? I don’t even care that you punched me in the face. Well, I mean, I do, but you were drunk and you weren’t thinking clearly and I get it… we all do stupid stuff when we’re drunk. But how could you do that? How could you even drink? That’s not you. That’s not the Kris I know and love. What happened to you?” Adam asked, his voice so soft that Kris had to really pay attention to hear all of what Adam was saying.
“I-I don’t know. I wish I could tell you. I was just so devastated by everything and I just thought that if I got plastered I wouldn’t remember any of it today and it would be like nothing ever happened,” Kris tried to explain, but he realized as he was verbalizing everything that his excuse was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.
“You have to know that doesn’t solve anything. Ever. It just makes things worse,” Adam replied, finally, finally, looking at Kris. It was only for a brief second, and his eyes were still hard and angry but Kris didn’t even care. It was a start. It was a look.
“You’re right,” Kris said. “I was an idiot. Am an idiot. I know there’s no way I can ever make it up to you.”
“Probably not,” Adam agreed, scoffing a little.
“I’m sorry,” Kris repeated quietly. He felt tears threatening his eyes again but he held them back. He didn’t want to look weak in front of Adam.
They sat in silence for a little while, Adam seeming like he was refusing to be the first one to talk. Kris didn’t really know what to say though. What could he say? He’d pretty much abused the right to be Adam’s friend.
“Can I ask you something?” Kris asked, suddenly very curious. “Why did you come over last night? You don’t usually just show up unannounced.” At the mention of his reasoning for his visit, Adam tensed. He looked like he was scared, like that was one subject he didn’t think they would have to touch.
“It doesn’t matter,” Adam replied, his voice so cold and distant, like it wasn’t even Adam.
“It matters to me. Please,” Kris said, sounding disjointed. Kris just hoped that pleading with Adam would be enough.
Adam sighed heavily, dramatically. “Fine. I was there because I had to talk to you about something. I wasn’t even sure what I was gonna say or anything and I didn’t even want to say it. Luckily I never had to,” Adam explained vaguely.
“I don’t understand. What did you have to talk to me about?” Kris asked.
“What does it matter now? It’s over, Kris. Forget about it,” Adam replied harshly.
“Just… tell me. We don’t keep secrets. Our friendship is as strong as it is because we’re honest with each other, no matter how hard it is,” Kris said.
“What friendship?” Adam snapped. “There is no friendship anymore. That was the whole point.”
“The whole point of what?!” Kris was getting irritated. He really just wanted Adam to spit it out instead of beating around the bush.
“The whole point of me coming to see you last night! I came over to tell you that we can’t see each other anymore!” Adam yelled, exasperated. Between the way Adam was talking to him and the words that were coming out of his mouth, Kris wasn’t sure which hurt more. But it hurt. A lot. Kris felt like crying all over again.
“What?” Kris’s voice was barely audible, and the tears had finally broken through. Adam looked at Kris for a split second, and his eyes looked tortured, like he couldn’t even believe that he was saying this to Kris. But then he looked away and his eyes hardened. “A-Adam, what are you saying? What are you talking about?” Kris choked on his tears.
“I’m saying that we can’t be friends anymore,” Adam replied, and hearing it all again just put another huge hole in Kris’s heart.
“Why not?” Kris asked, his tears turning angry. He didn’t understand and he hated being left in the dark and Adam was just frustrating him.
“Because,” Adam said slowly, drawing out each syllable. “Because I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
“What are you talking about?! Adam, why are you saying that?! Why wouldn’t you want to be friends with me anymore?! After last night I would understand but you said you were coming over to… to break up with me! What did I do wrong?” Kris was so angry and upset and he couldn’t control his voice anymore. He practically screamed at Adam, and he noticed Adam flinch briefly before composing himself, a cold statue in front of Kris’s crumpling form.
“I’m sorry. I just think it’d be best if we just left each other alone. It would be easier for both of us if we just stopped talking,” Adam explained, sounding like he was so sure that this was the right decision. Kris wasn’t buying it.
“You’re fucking nuts! How would things be better?! I-I thought we were best friends…” Kris was desperate. He didn’t understand any of this and he just wanted Adam to tell him that he was joking and everything was okay.
“We’re not. Just believe me, alright? You’re not my best friend and my life would be so much better if you just got the hell out of it,” Adam replied. Kris sobbed, his face soaked in tears he forgot were falling. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t handle Adam’s cruelty and he couldn’t handle losing him all over again. Kris thought that they’d solve everything, that things would go back to normal after they’d just had the chance to talk, but Adam clearly wanted nothing to do with Kris. And that hurt Kris more than he’d ever admit.
“Fine. If you don’t want anything to do with me, that’s fine. Your wish is my command,” Kris spat, standing from Adam’s couch and striding towards the front door, anger fueling each step. He really didn’t want to leave things like this, leave this huge, gaping hole in their friendship, but what choice did he have? There wasn’t anything left to say, and clearly Adam wasn’t going to be swayed. He had made his mind up and he never wanted to see Kris again. And as much as it killed Kris to walk out that door, get into his hybrid and drive away from Adam, he had to. Because more than anything, Kris wanted Adam to be happy. And if Adam was happy without Kris, then Kris would just have to get over it. Except, Kris wasn’t so sure if Adam was one of those people that you could just forget about.
***
Kris couldn’t even believe that his life had been in such turmoil just a month ago. Sure, his life wasn’t perfect at that moment, either; he and Katy were separated, for one, and he and Adam still had to talk and figure out where they stood, but things were looking up. Kris felt optimistic, like everything would work itself out. He felt hopeful. Kris hadn’t felt hopeful in a long time.
Kris sighed, hating how things had transpired between himself and Adam. The way he had treated Adam was terrible, but the way Adam had treated him was pretty horrible, too. They had both acted stupidly and cruelly and Kris’s heart panged every time he thought about what had happened. But Kris always believed that everything happens for a reason and that whatever’s meant to be will be.
Kris began to think about what he was going to say to Adam about the whole situation, but he didn’t get very far in his thoughts. A soft knocking came from his front door, and Kris jumped off the couch, all too excited to see Adam. Kris flung the door open, and there he was. The only man that had ever broken Kris’s heart. And the man who had somehow, after only just one night, managed to put it back together again. Adam was smiling like an idiot, and Kris laughed, his own teeth being exposed. Adam’s eyes were sparkling and he was wearing a jacket with sequins on it and his hair was perfectly tousled and… wow. He looked amazing.
“Are you ready to go?” Adam asked, that perfect, perfect smile still there. And it was all for Kris.
“Of course,” Kris replied, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack beside the door and then locking up the house. He followed Adam to his hybrid, the twin of Kris’s car, and hopped in the passenger seat. Adam weaved his way to the driver’s side and got in, turning to look at Kris. And he was still smiling. Kris couldn’t wipe the smile from his own face, either. And the whole car ride, both Kris and Adam just kept smiling.