Fic: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It (14/15)
Title: If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13. Couple of naughty words is all.
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Beta: empath89 - thank you so so so very much! x <3
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Well here it is the penultimate *is that the right word? lol* chapter of the story. dun dun dunnnn. eeps. I sort of think this is my favourite part that I've written in the story so far. I don't know why really just when I read it back I felt really happy with it. Anyways randomness over. I hope you all like it. The comments are as always just amazing thank you for anyone who is reading and just yeah *huggles comm* Enjoy! x
Disclaimer: I own nothing. :( sad day.
Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six // Part Seven // Part Eight // Part Nine // Part Ten // Part Eleven // Part Twelve // Part Thirteen
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Fourteen: Every Heartbeat
Adam had been obviously anxious for the rest of the afternoon. He had pushed away all the fussing from the others, plastered a brave smile across his face and carried on even though he knew that they could all see through it. But he'd take them pretending over the fussing any day because he felt for sure that one more “are you okay?” was going to cause him to completely break down and he was determined to leave with whatever small piece of dignity he had.
The choreographer announcing they were done for the day was a sweet release and he could hear the chatter around him as he quickly packed his stuff away but he was out of the door and ignoring the calls he heard coming from Danny. Adam would offer an apology later, knowing that Danny would accept it and he knew he would understand that he just needed to get out of there.
Adam knew they would all be talking about it now, questioning what would happen next. Allison and Danny worrying, Matt beating himself up - all of them playing their role in trying to figure out what was the right thing to say and do. He knew they would all mean well and Adam felt grateful to each of them but he couldn't handle it right now. He couldn't bear to see their faces looking at him and feeling sorry for him like he was some pathetic boy with a crush. He could see it as they all grouped around him, pitying glances to one another, staring at the door Kris had left through. Adam felt like he was growing weak under the progression of his and Kris' relationship and he knew it was because he was constantly trying to be strong for Kris, to be the one who shouldered it all.
But even Adam had his limits, a certain amount of pain and rejection he could take before things started to crumble down around him and he knew that his friends were starting to see it. The cracks in his perfectly strong demeanour were starting to show and he couldn't blame Kris, he didn't blame Kris, but he knew that it was all becoming too much. Adam had spent so much energy worrying that Kris could cope with this, that he would find a way through and had literally forgotten to take care and protect himself.
He was regretting walking this morning now, because no matter how fast he seemed to walk he felt like he was getting nowhere. This morning it had been a normal routine of late, Kris by his side - mostly quiet but his presence still so very much there - and Adam was so aware of the emptiness at his side he was literally longing to fill it, hoping that when he walked through the door Kris would be standing there, a small nervous smile for him and telling him for a change that everything was going to be okay.
But he really should have known better than that by now.
He was half right at least: he was greeted by Kris but it wasn't his smiling face. He was stood like a statue staring out of the small window with his hands in his pockets and if Adam took everything at face value nothing was any different. Kris’ things were still scattered through the apartment, his presence everywhere but Adam was looking deeper than that, he was searching for things that he couldn't see. He was searching for any suggestion that Kris was going to leave him.
He should have seen it when he walked through the door, the small suitcase just inside the entrance, waiting to be picked up and carried out the room. It had only just found its home here a few days ago and it was only one small suitcase and it didn't have to mean anything really and yet it meant everything.
When Adam turned back Kris was looking at him and he wasn't angry, he didn't even look sad. He looked happy, the happy you get when you see someone you haven't seen for a really long time and a happiness fills you so full that it can't help but burst out of you. That was a good enough greeting for Adam and he could only return the smile, an instinctual reaction to seeing Kris look at him like that.
Kris didn't speak for a while, he remained where he stood, taking in Adam. Eyes wandered all over him and at first Adam was happy to do the same but then the distance was bothering him. He wanted to close it and he wanted answers to questions that maybe he had no right to ask but since when had that ever stopped him? He had put up with a lot, he had let Kris push him away and reject him, so why shouldn't Kris give him this one thing?
He stepped forward and Kris held up his hands in protest, still no words, and Adam would have been frustrated but Kris was still staring him down, looking so deeply, like he was looking right through him and Adam wished he wasn't so weak and willing to give Kris whatever he wanted.
He felt his body give up and the bag that was wrapped tightly round his fingers fell to the floor as his body slumped forward. Kris was in front of him then, warm hands on his arms, fingers digging into skin, and Adam really didn't mind. He enjoyed the contact, he wanted the feeling of Kris' hands on him, digging into skin and marking him. Perhaps if he held on long enough it would cause scars to remain over time.
“I'm sorry for earlier. I freaked out.”
Adam nodded. Kris was sorry, he was always sorry. Adam knew he meant the words because sincerity dripped from his voice and it was hard to be angry or deny such a voice when it spoke to him that way. Even if he wanted to be mad at Kris he felt for sure he couldn't be for long.
“I think it's going to be okay. I talked to them and they...”
“Have a cover story all figured out?”
Adam stared down at Kris and his eyes immediately averted away because they both knew it was going to be this way, that there would be a cover story. The difference was that Adam could have admitted to it a long time before Kris ever could. Kris only nodded and Adam sighed heavily.
“Well let's hear it.”
“What?”
Kris was staring at him in confusion and panic. There was something hidden behind his eyes: a truth that Kris wasn't ready to reveal yet and Adam didn't want to push for because he was fairly certain it related to the suitcase by the door. It was just for a few moments and he was quite happy to ignore it.
“The cover story. I'm a part of it, so it's probably a good idea that I know what's going on.”
Kris dropped his hands from Adam's shoulders and shrugged. “It's pretty simple really. Katy and I are having problems and you've just been a good friend to me. Those pictures are just... someone perceiving something that's not there.”
Adam nodded and he had to admit that it hurt, it stung, and the knife was twisting further in his heart. He knew what Kris meant, he knew that it didn't reflect how Kris felt but he spoke the words with such a matter of fact tone, as if that was the truth. He could picture himself and Kris giving an interview, both of them laughing off the pictures as no big deal, the picture of a perfect close friendship and no one would ever know the suffering that existed underneath it all.
“Shit... Adam you know that's not what I think... but that's just what...”
Adam nodded again. “It's okay Kris. I know.”
“No. It's not okay because I wish I could be everything you need me to be Adam. I want to be able to just admit it but I have to think about Katy and my family... but I don't want you to think that I'm not thinking about you. I keep trying to do the right thing. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to not hurt you and then I fuck it up and end up hurting you anyway... because I do, don't I?”
Kris had hold of Adam's hands now, fingers entwining with his own, a mixture of hot and cold and the warmth radiating from Kris felt comforting despite the harsh cold truth of Kris' words. Adam didn't know how to respond because everything he was naturally went in,to protecting Kris from being upset but he was asking for the truth. His eyes were demanding it as their gazes locked finally.
“Yes.”
Kris hands dropped away and Adam grabbed for them again desperate for them not to be gone. “But... it's not your fault I'm not mad at you and I know this is hard for you...”
Kris pulled his hands away again more harshly this time. “Stop letting me off the hook Adam. It's not okay for me to hurt you even if it's because it’s hard for me or I'm struggling. I shouldn't be so fucking selfish all the time. Yeah this is hard, the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it doesn't excuse me for not even thinking about how you've been dealing with this.”
“I'm okay...”
“Stop lying to me. I can see through it.”
Adam turned and paced towards the kitchen. What exactly did Kris expect him to do? Be upset about everything one minute and then strong for him the next? He was being pulled in a hundred different directions and he didn't expect immediate happiness but it was expecting a little bit of give and take. If one was suffering, they suffered together and it should have been making them stronger but he could feel the distance growing further and further with each word Kris spoke.
He continued pacing, stopping every now and then to turn and look at Kris, words hanging on his lips but never leaving. Then before he turned back he saw the suitcase again, ready and waiting at the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Arkansas.”
Adam nodded and Kris spoke slowly like he was reading it all from a script. “They think it'd be a good idea. If me and Katy are having problems then I should be there working through them with her. I should want the support of my family.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
Kris voice was quieter when he spoke this time. “I don't think that would be such a good idea. I mean I asked them but... they said that... and my parents…they...”
Adam nodded again. “Does your family know about the pictures.... about...” Adam gestured between the two of them and Kris nodded slightly.
“I had to tell them the truth just in case anyone asked...”
“So the cover story is all rehearsed and ready to be performed, huh?”
The words stung Kris and Adam was ashamed to admit it but it had been what he was going for. He was leaning against the small table in the kitchen now and he watched as Kris moved towards him.
“I don't want to leave. I want to stay here and be with you for the final week of rehearsals but I'm torn here Adam, so you tell me what to do. Ask me to stay here with you and I will, beg me if you have to and I swear I won't go anywhere.”
Adam wondered if Kris was asking him to do that purely based on the fact that Kris knew Adam never would. He knew Adam well now, he knew him well enough to not expect anyone to give him an easy offer and for Adam to accept it so willingly. He also knew Adam would do the right thing even if he wanted the wrong thing. Kris knew Adam would send him back to his family to keep up the lie even when everything inside him wanted to beg Kris to stay.
Kris was in front of him now, slowly closing the distance and buried his head in the familiar resting place on Adam's chest. Adam could feel Kris' warm breath through the material of his shirt, his nose skimming along the material, taking in the scent that lingered there. Adam reacted the same, burying his face into Kris' hair - the same scent that lingered on his pillow in the morning - and Adam would never admit it to Kris but when he'd be up out of bed Adam would roll onto Kris side and lay his face in his pillow, breathing Kris in and marking everything about it to memory.
Kris spoke into Adam's chest, his voice slightly muffled. “It's only going to be a few days. We leave in like two weeks anyway and I'll be back before you know it...”
Adam nodded into Kris' hair. “I know. I'm just not that great with goodbyes.”
Kris was moving away quickly and his hands reached up to grasp Adam's face. Their eyes locked instantly and Kris’ expression was fierce. “This isn't goodbye. It's not goodbye.”
Kris lifted his body up and Adam felt like Kris was trying climb onto him and he couldn't help but laugh a little as Kris struggled to reach up close enough to Adam. It was amusing to watch him try though and he liked the feeling of Kris so close to him, bundled up tightly around him, all concentration and complete focus on Adam. He gave in quickly though, sinking down to eye level with Kris and wrapping his arms firmly around Kris’ waist. He smiled to himself triumphantly when he pressed their bodies close and a small whimper left Kris mouth.
Kris lips were brushing against Adam's as he spoke. “I'm going to miss you.” Adam licked his lips and he knew he didn't have to say the same back to Kris for him to know it was the truth. It should go without saying now.
Kris' hands were in Adam's hair, fingers digging in and working their way through, brushing it from his face. “You could still ask me to stay...”
Adam shut him up and firmly pressed his lips against Kris. Forcing Kris' mouth open with his tongue softly at first, fighting with Kris. He would have wanted the moment to drag out but then he ran his tongue along Kris’ bottom lip and Kris was relenting, opening for him and then everything was fading out of them room with just one kiss.
He could hear Kris' words in his mind. “It's not goodbye.” And the way in which he spoke the words made him believe it one hundred percent. There was enough truth and persistence behind those words for denial to not be even an option.
But the kiss said something else. It was hunger, desperation, love and longing all in one blissful moment and despite how much he repeated Kris' words and how much he believed the sincerity behind them, he still felt a huge sense of loss as he held on tightly to Kris. He still felt like it didn't matter how hard he held on, how much he hoped for it not to mean goodbye. Inevitably it would come down to just that. Goodbye.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13. Couple of naughty words is all.
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Beta: empath89 - thank you so so so very much! x <3
Summary: It really was a mistake. It really was a mistake. Adam isn't fooling anyone.
Notes: Well here it is the penultimate *is that the right word? lol* chapter of the story. dun dun dunnnn. eeps. I sort of think this is my favourite part that I've written in the story so far. I don't know why really just when I read it back I felt really happy with it. Anyways randomness over. I hope you all like it. The comments are as always just amazing thank you for anyone who is reading and just yeah *huggles comm* Enjoy! x
Disclaimer: I own nothing. :( sad day.
Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six // Part Seven // Part Eight // Part Nine // Part Ten // Part Eleven // Part Twelve // Part Thirteen
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
Chapter Fourteen: Every Heartbeat
Adam had been obviously anxious for the rest of the afternoon. He had pushed away all the fussing from the others, plastered a brave smile across his face and carried on even though he knew that they could all see through it. But he'd take them pretending over the fussing any day because he felt for sure that one more “are you okay?” was going to cause him to completely break down and he was determined to leave with whatever small piece of dignity he had.
The choreographer announcing they were done for the day was a sweet release and he could hear the chatter around him as he quickly packed his stuff away but he was out of the door and ignoring the calls he heard coming from Danny. Adam would offer an apology later, knowing that Danny would accept it and he knew he would understand that he just needed to get out of there.
Adam knew they would all be talking about it now, questioning what would happen next. Allison and Danny worrying, Matt beating himself up - all of them playing their role in trying to figure out what was the right thing to say and do. He knew they would all mean well and Adam felt grateful to each of them but he couldn't handle it right now. He couldn't bear to see their faces looking at him and feeling sorry for him like he was some pathetic boy with a crush. He could see it as they all grouped around him, pitying glances to one another, staring at the door Kris had left through. Adam felt like he was growing weak under the progression of his and Kris' relationship and he knew it was because he was constantly trying to be strong for Kris, to be the one who shouldered it all.
But even Adam had his limits, a certain amount of pain and rejection he could take before things started to crumble down around him and he knew that his friends were starting to see it. The cracks in his perfectly strong demeanour were starting to show and he couldn't blame Kris, he didn't blame Kris, but he knew that it was all becoming too much. Adam had spent so much energy worrying that Kris could cope with this, that he would find a way through and had literally forgotten to take care and protect himself.
He was regretting walking this morning now, because no matter how fast he seemed to walk he felt like he was getting nowhere. This morning it had been a normal routine of late, Kris by his side - mostly quiet but his presence still so very much there - and Adam was so aware of the emptiness at his side he was literally longing to fill it, hoping that when he walked through the door Kris would be standing there, a small nervous smile for him and telling him for a change that everything was going to be okay.
But he really should have known better than that by now.
He was half right at least: he was greeted by Kris but it wasn't his smiling face. He was stood like a statue staring out of the small window with his hands in his pockets and if Adam took everything at face value nothing was any different. Kris’ things were still scattered through the apartment, his presence everywhere but Adam was looking deeper than that, he was searching for things that he couldn't see. He was searching for any suggestion that Kris was going to leave him.
He should have seen it when he walked through the door, the small suitcase just inside the entrance, waiting to be picked up and carried out the room. It had only just found its home here a few days ago and it was only one small suitcase and it didn't have to mean anything really and yet it meant everything.
When Adam turned back Kris was looking at him and he wasn't angry, he didn't even look sad. He looked happy, the happy you get when you see someone you haven't seen for a really long time and a happiness fills you so full that it can't help but burst out of you. That was a good enough greeting for Adam and he could only return the smile, an instinctual reaction to seeing Kris look at him like that.
Kris didn't speak for a while, he remained where he stood, taking in Adam. Eyes wandered all over him and at first Adam was happy to do the same but then the distance was bothering him. He wanted to close it and he wanted answers to questions that maybe he had no right to ask but since when had that ever stopped him? He had put up with a lot, he had let Kris push him away and reject him, so why shouldn't Kris give him this one thing?
He stepped forward and Kris held up his hands in protest, still no words, and Adam would have been frustrated but Kris was still staring him down, looking so deeply, like he was looking right through him and Adam wished he wasn't so weak and willing to give Kris whatever he wanted.
He felt his body give up and the bag that was wrapped tightly round his fingers fell to the floor as his body slumped forward. Kris was in front of him then, warm hands on his arms, fingers digging into skin, and Adam really didn't mind. He enjoyed the contact, he wanted the feeling of Kris' hands on him, digging into skin and marking him. Perhaps if he held on long enough it would cause scars to remain over time.
“I'm sorry for earlier. I freaked out.”
Adam nodded. Kris was sorry, he was always sorry. Adam knew he meant the words because sincerity dripped from his voice and it was hard to be angry or deny such a voice when it spoke to him that way. Even if he wanted to be mad at Kris he felt for sure he couldn't be for long.
“I think it's going to be okay. I talked to them and they...”
“Have a cover story all figured out?”
Adam stared down at Kris and his eyes immediately averted away because they both knew it was going to be this way, that there would be a cover story. The difference was that Adam could have admitted to it a long time before Kris ever could. Kris only nodded and Adam sighed heavily.
“Well let's hear it.”
“What?”
Kris was staring at him in confusion and panic. There was something hidden behind his eyes: a truth that Kris wasn't ready to reveal yet and Adam didn't want to push for because he was fairly certain it related to the suitcase by the door. It was just for a few moments and he was quite happy to ignore it.
“The cover story. I'm a part of it, so it's probably a good idea that I know what's going on.”
Kris dropped his hands from Adam's shoulders and shrugged. “It's pretty simple really. Katy and I are having problems and you've just been a good friend to me. Those pictures are just... someone perceiving something that's not there.”
Adam nodded and he had to admit that it hurt, it stung, and the knife was twisting further in his heart. He knew what Kris meant, he knew that it didn't reflect how Kris felt but he spoke the words with such a matter of fact tone, as if that was the truth. He could picture himself and Kris giving an interview, both of them laughing off the pictures as no big deal, the picture of a perfect close friendship and no one would ever know the suffering that existed underneath it all.
“Shit... Adam you know that's not what I think... but that's just what...”
Adam nodded again. “It's okay Kris. I know.”
“No. It's not okay because I wish I could be everything you need me to be Adam. I want to be able to just admit it but I have to think about Katy and my family... but I don't want you to think that I'm not thinking about you. I keep trying to do the right thing. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to not hurt you and then I fuck it up and end up hurting you anyway... because I do, don't I?”
Kris had hold of Adam's hands now, fingers entwining with his own, a mixture of hot and cold and the warmth radiating from Kris felt comforting despite the harsh cold truth of Kris' words. Adam didn't know how to respond because everything he was naturally went in,to protecting Kris from being upset but he was asking for the truth. His eyes were demanding it as their gazes locked finally.
“Yes.”
Kris hands dropped away and Adam grabbed for them again desperate for them not to be gone. “But... it's not your fault I'm not mad at you and I know this is hard for you...”
Kris pulled his hands away again more harshly this time. “Stop letting me off the hook Adam. It's not okay for me to hurt you even if it's because it’s hard for me or I'm struggling. I shouldn't be so fucking selfish all the time. Yeah this is hard, the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it doesn't excuse me for not even thinking about how you've been dealing with this.”
“I'm okay...”
“Stop lying to me. I can see through it.”
Adam turned and paced towards the kitchen. What exactly did Kris expect him to do? Be upset about everything one minute and then strong for him the next? He was being pulled in a hundred different directions and he didn't expect immediate happiness but it was expecting a little bit of give and take. If one was suffering, they suffered together and it should have been making them stronger but he could feel the distance growing further and further with each word Kris spoke.
He continued pacing, stopping every now and then to turn and look at Kris, words hanging on his lips but never leaving. Then before he turned back he saw the suitcase again, ready and waiting at the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Arkansas.”
Adam nodded and Kris spoke slowly like he was reading it all from a script. “They think it'd be a good idea. If me and Katy are having problems then I should be there working through them with her. I should want the support of my family.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
Kris voice was quieter when he spoke this time. “I don't think that would be such a good idea. I mean I asked them but... they said that... and my parents…they...”
Adam nodded again. “Does your family know about the pictures.... about...” Adam gestured between the two of them and Kris nodded slightly.
“I had to tell them the truth just in case anyone asked...”
“So the cover story is all rehearsed and ready to be performed, huh?”
The words stung Kris and Adam was ashamed to admit it but it had been what he was going for. He was leaning against the small table in the kitchen now and he watched as Kris moved towards him.
“I don't want to leave. I want to stay here and be with you for the final week of rehearsals but I'm torn here Adam, so you tell me what to do. Ask me to stay here with you and I will, beg me if you have to and I swear I won't go anywhere.”
Adam wondered if Kris was asking him to do that purely based on the fact that Kris knew Adam never would. He knew Adam well now, he knew him well enough to not expect anyone to give him an easy offer and for Adam to accept it so willingly. He also knew Adam would do the right thing even if he wanted the wrong thing. Kris knew Adam would send him back to his family to keep up the lie even when everything inside him wanted to beg Kris to stay.
Kris was in front of him now, slowly closing the distance and buried his head in the familiar resting place on Adam's chest. Adam could feel Kris' warm breath through the material of his shirt, his nose skimming along the material, taking in the scent that lingered there. Adam reacted the same, burying his face into Kris' hair - the same scent that lingered on his pillow in the morning - and Adam would never admit it to Kris but when he'd be up out of bed Adam would roll onto Kris side and lay his face in his pillow, breathing Kris in and marking everything about it to memory.
Kris spoke into Adam's chest, his voice slightly muffled. “It's only going to be a few days. We leave in like two weeks anyway and I'll be back before you know it...”
Adam nodded into Kris' hair. “I know. I'm just not that great with goodbyes.”
Kris was moving away quickly and his hands reached up to grasp Adam's face. Their eyes locked instantly and Kris’ expression was fierce. “This isn't goodbye. It's not goodbye.”
Kris lifted his body up and Adam felt like Kris was trying climb onto him and he couldn't help but laugh a little as Kris struggled to reach up close enough to Adam. It was amusing to watch him try though and he liked the feeling of Kris so close to him, bundled up tightly around him, all concentration and complete focus on Adam. He gave in quickly though, sinking down to eye level with Kris and wrapping his arms firmly around Kris’ waist. He smiled to himself triumphantly when he pressed their bodies close and a small whimper left Kris mouth.
Kris lips were brushing against Adam's as he spoke. “I'm going to miss you.” Adam licked his lips and he knew he didn't have to say the same back to Kris for him to know it was the truth. It should go without saying now.
Kris' hands were in Adam's hair, fingers digging in and working their way through, brushing it from his face. “You could still ask me to stay...”
Adam shut him up and firmly pressed his lips against Kris. Forcing Kris' mouth open with his tongue softly at first, fighting with Kris. He would have wanted the moment to drag out but then he ran his tongue along Kris’ bottom lip and Kris was relenting, opening for him and then everything was fading out of them room with just one kiss.
He could hear Kris' words in his mind. “It's not goodbye.” And the way in which he spoke the words made him believe it one hundred percent. There was enough truth and persistence behind those words for denial to not be even an option.
But the kiss said something else. It was hunger, desperation, love and longing all in one blissful moment and despite how much he repeated Kris' words and how much he believed the sincerity behind them, he still felt a huge sense of loss as he held on tightly to Kris. He still felt like it didn't matter how hard he held on, how much he hoped for it not to mean goodbye. Inevitably it would come down to just that. Goodbye.
.