Fic: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest (3/?)
Title: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13, BABY!
Beta: The ever awesome
cpt_untouchable - again apologies for all the British "sats" ;)
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which if you would like to read, you can find it HERE
Notes: Hello again, thanks for all the comments I know I say it everytime but they do mean a lot. I hope you guys like this - there's Kris/Adam interaction and everything! LOL, who'd have thunk it in a Kris/Adam fic? hee. anywhoo's enjoy :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Adam Lambert and Kris Allen belong to each other and huggle together listening to music
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Three: Your Sweet Voice
It was easy to get distracted throughout the afternoon, mainly because everyone wanted to spend all their time catching up with one another. And then there was the daunting task of learning his way around the huge house that would be his home for the next couple of weeks. Adam was relieved to be caught up in the madness of it all. He felt like everyone was pulling at him, demanding his attention, and it was easy to think about nothing but the next person grabbing his hand and dragging him into a conversation.
He listened intently as Lil gushed over her children and showed him photographs, then he played the protective older brother as Allison talked about a boy she had met. He sat quietly with everyone as they all listened to Anoop and Megan talk about their plans. That had been the hardest conversation to endure because they looked so content and natural together, fingers entwined and finishing each other’s sentences. Adam had never been one to feel bitter or envious towards other people, but a sudden rush of both had hit him in that moment.
It was easy to not linger on the feelings for long, though, because Allison was pulling him up by his hands and demanding that everyone pick their rooms for the stay. He couldn't help but think of the last time they had all been together and choosing rooms and how naturally he and Kris had been drawn together with neither of them really questioning it. Again, he was given little time to dwell on the thought because Allison was dragging him along with an unrelenting exuberance.
It turned out that there were enough rooms for them not to have to share. He did wonder, however, what would happen next week when even more people were going to turn up. He didn't let himself linger on that thought for long, either. He was determined to just enjoy each moment of being here, as much as he could.
The house was quiet for only about half an hour as they all unpacked. Every now and then he would hear a giggle from Allison or shouting from Matt and it was strangely comforting to be surrounded by the sounds again. Gokey, obviously, was finished unpacking long before Adam was and had come in search of him to point out the obvious fact that Sarver wasn't there. Adam wondered why Danny was under the impression that Adam would have cared. He would have just added it to his list of people he had to avoid.
Then it was time to cook dinner. Anoop was revelling in the fact that he was cooking for a large group of people, enjoying the power trip of ordering everyone around the kitchen. Adam was happy to sit at the table and watch everyone else as Allison painted his nails a bright blue.
The actual meal was a loud occasion with too little eating and perhaps too much drinking. He had made himself a promise when he left L.A. not to consume any alcohol for the entire time he was here. He made the promise to himself mostly out of fear that he would say something he'd regret. He knew that everyone became more uninhibited when they drank, but they would have to come up with a whole new word for what Adam was.
Adam mostly just enjoyed watching everyone else. The group grew more giddy and giggly as the evening drew on and he wasn't sure if it was from the small amount of alcohol they had consumed or just the sheer joy of being surrounded by each other again. Whatever it was, it seemed to be rubbing off on Adam a little, and every now and then he would feel actual contentment surrounding him.
But then, just as Matt and Lil huddled together giggling or Scott started doing his best Gokey impression, he would hear Kris laughing. He would turn to the left without thinking, see Kris's face scrunched up with laughter, leaning back in his chair, and he would remember just how much he really missed Kris. Then an anger that he had to fight with everything he had threatened to overwhelm him. Everyone else could be easy and happy around Kris. They could laugh and smile like everything was perfectly fine and all Adam could do was watch from across the table, feeling as if he was watching Kris from a thousand miles away. He may as well have been with the distance between them. He hated that he still couldn't manage to look away.
His expression and body language must have shifted because he could feel eyes on him and as he turned to see Matt and Danny looking at him with concerned expressions it was as if the rest of the table picked up on it as well.
“So you two love birds still living together?” Lil asked teasingly, looking from him to Danny and despite himself he laughed slightly.
“He promised himself to me for life so he ain't never getting rid of me now, honey.” Adam winked at her and then the entire table was laughing. Most of the table, anyway. There was no laughter from Kris' direction.
“When exactly did I promise myself to you forever?” Danny's voice was filled with humour and Adam remembered a time when Danny wouldn't have been as comfortable with this conversation as he was now. He wasn't entirely sure when things had shifted but he was grateful for it.
“On many countless drunken occasions...”
“It worries me how much you remember when we go out drinking.”
“And so it should. Maybe I should tell everyone about your suggestion from the other night?”
Suddenly Danny did look worried and it only made the smile on Adam's face widen. He glanced over at Matt who was smiling along with him, completely aware of what Adam was talking about. Voices piped up from around the table, demanding to know what Danny had said -- especially Allison who was standing up on her chair, clapping her hands together excitedly. Adam just shrugged nonchalantly and took a sip of his drink.
“Well, Danny said that if neither of us are married by the time we’re forty we should marry each other.”
The group erupted with laughter again and Danny leaned forward and crashed his head against the table.
“When was that?” Allison was shouting over the laughter.
“Last week at my birthday party.” Adam shook his head laughing as Danny still hadn't emerged from hiding his face in his arms.
“Where was I?” Allison sounded a little disappointed that she had missed the moment and Adam loved that there was still such a childlike quality about her.
“You were off dancing, as usual.” He winked at her as Danny slid next to him. Adam could literally see Danny's brain working overtime as he tried to remember exactly what he had said.
“Did I really say that?”
Adam nodded. “Uh-huh. You said that it was the best solution.”
With that, everyone was laughing again and Danny started protesting that Matt and Adam were making it all up. But then something seemed to click into place and the memory obviously returned.
“Oh. I did say that.”
“Yep. The date is set.”
“What?”
“Well of course I agreed, Danny. Not getting any younger, are we.”
“Oh, screw you.”
Adam giggled slightly and then nudged into Danny. “Oh you wish, Gokey.”
He really had no idea why he was attempting to string Danny on, since Adam knew he would see straight through it; but then he was laughing again - uninhibited laughter. In fact, he could barely breathe through it and he caught Matt and Danny exchanging triumphant looks, as if they had planned the whole damn thing.
It wasn't until he turned to look in the direction of where Kris had been sitting that the laughter stopped abruptly. Kris's seat was empty and there was a dark, sad space where he should have been. He was vaguely aware that everyone else had begun moving around him clearing dishes and glasses away. Scott was talking to Matt about his family, Allison was chatting away to Lil about songs on her album and Danny had risen and was helping Anoop and Megan in the kitchen. No one else seemed to notice that Kris had just fucked off somewhere, leaving Adam still sitting and staring at the place where he had been.
He jumped out of his chair quickly and told Matt he was going outside to get some air. If Matt was worried he didn't let it show, and Adam left through a door just at the side of the kitchen before anyone could protest.
The silence and cool air was refreshing. His mind had felt clouded in that room, so caught up in being surrounded by everyone. He felt like the past was hurtling back towards him, memories and questions left unanswered that had haunted him for years. He wanted to tell himself that they didn't matter any more, desperately wanted them not to matter, but they still did. It shouldn’t, but it still bothered him that Kris could get up and walk out the room without even so much as a word to him.
He walked slowly around the decking, hoping that some of the tension would leave him as he looked out at the view and tried to lose himself in that rather than his own thoughts. But as he turned the corner and found himself at the front of the house, he saw Kris sitting on the steps leading down to their parked cars, his head buried in his hands.
Adam should have turned around and walked back the way he had come, but something stopped him and he stood motionless instead. The light from inside the house spread across where Kris sat and seemed to light up his skin making it even more golden than usual. Adam shouldn't have been allowing himself this. He never let his gaze linger on Kris for too long -- it only made it harder when he had to turn away. But he was feeling reckless tonight, so he didn't look away, only leaned back against the house so he could watch more comfortably.
Kris moved his hands away from his face slowly, tugged one hand through his hair and stared down at the ring on his other hand. Then the grip he had on his hair was gone and he was twisting the ring around, pushing and pulling it up and down. With one final push it remained on his finger and he buried his face again in his hands.
Adam tried not to think too much about what it meant. If he had been a mean bastard he might have been able to take some kind of sick pleasure in seeing Kris so torn up and beaten. But he wasn't, and despite everything Adam still wanted to close the distance between them, hold Kris tightly and tell him everything would be okay. He missed Kris. He missed having that closeness. No matter how many times he had searched for it in other people over the years, he’d only ever found it once, with Kris.
Kris took in a deep, lingering breath that left his lips in a pained and broken word. “Adam.”
If Adam had been still before he was entirely motionless now. He wondered if Kris knew he was there, if he’d been caught out watching him … The way Kris had muttered his name made him want to cry, and then Kris was saying it again but softer and quieter, and Adam knew it wasn't meant for his ears. Kris was saying it to himself, to nothing and no one at all, and Adam couldn't help the sound that left him as he exhaled.
Kris froze and Adam thought about running but he couldn't seem to move either, so he waited for Kris, waited and watched as Kris's hands fell from his face and he turned to look in Adam's direction. Adam was half hoping the darkness would shield him but he knew straightaway from Kris's expression that he was aware of Adam's presence.
He really should have known better, but Adam stepped out of the shadows. There were a million things he could have said -- so many things he wanted to. He had imagined this moment so many times, but speech was failing him and all he could do was look down into the brown eyes staring up at him.
He was sure he could see tears forming in Kris's eyes, apologetic and regretful, and Adam was suddenly determined to let nothing show in his own. Adam could feel his resolve slipping, he felt like his body was going to betray him and that soon he would be closing the distance between himself and Kris. Still after all this time, despite everything that had happened between the two of them Adam found it unbearable to see Kris suffering, of all the things he should have felt towards Kris sympathy should not have been one of them. He should have been angry and he wished that he could be, that he could honestly say that he didn't care but he did care and the only thing he could do was cover it up completely.
He kept his gaze cold, refusing to show Kris how much he was struggling, himself. He had learned things the hard way with Kris before, and he wouldn't be weak again. Not where Kris was concerned. When loud laughter from inside the house broke the moment, he turned quickly and walked away first.
He had seen enough of Kris walking away from him to last a lifetime.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13, BABY!
Beta: The ever awesome
cpt_untouchable - again apologies for all the British "sats" ;)
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which if you would like to read, you can find it HERE
Notes: Hello again, thanks for all the comments I know I say it everytime but they do mean a lot. I hope you guys like this - there's Kris/Adam interaction and everything! LOL, who'd have thunk it in a Kris/Adam fic? hee. anywhoo's enjoy :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Adam Lambert and Kris Allen belong to each other and huggle together listening to music
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Three: Your Sweet Voice
It was easy to get distracted throughout the afternoon, mainly because everyone wanted to spend all their time catching up with one another. And then there was the daunting task of learning his way around the huge house that would be his home for the next couple of weeks. Adam was relieved to be caught up in the madness of it all. He felt like everyone was pulling at him, demanding his attention, and it was easy to think about nothing but the next person grabbing his hand and dragging him into a conversation.
He listened intently as Lil gushed over her children and showed him photographs, then he played the protective older brother as Allison talked about a boy she had met. He sat quietly with everyone as they all listened to Anoop and Megan talk about their plans. That had been the hardest conversation to endure because they looked so content and natural together, fingers entwined and finishing each other’s sentences. Adam had never been one to feel bitter or envious towards other people, but a sudden rush of both had hit him in that moment.
It was easy to not linger on the feelings for long, though, because Allison was pulling him up by his hands and demanding that everyone pick their rooms for the stay. He couldn't help but think of the last time they had all been together and choosing rooms and how naturally he and Kris had been drawn together with neither of them really questioning it. Again, he was given little time to dwell on the thought because Allison was dragging him along with an unrelenting exuberance.
It turned out that there were enough rooms for them not to have to share. He did wonder, however, what would happen next week when even more people were going to turn up. He didn't let himself linger on that thought for long, either. He was determined to just enjoy each moment of being here, as much as he could.
The house was quiet for only about half an hour as they all unpacked. Every now and then he would hear a giggle from Allison or shouting from Matt and it was strangely comforting to be surrounded by the sounds again. Gokey, obviously, was finished unpacking long before Adam was and had come in search of him to point out the obvious fact that Sarver wasn't there. Adam wondered why Danny was under the impression that Adam would have cared. He would have just added it to his list of people he had to avoid.
Then it was time to cook dinner. Anoop was revelling in the fact that he was cooking for a large group of people, enjoying the power trip of ordering everyone around the kitchen. Adam was happy to sit at the table and watch everyone else as Allison painted his nails a bright blue.
The actual meal was a loud occasion with too little eating and perhaps too much drinking. He had made himself a promise when he left L.A. not to consume any alcohol for the entire time he was here. He made the promise to himself mostly out of fear that he would say something he'd regret. He knew that everyone became more uninhibited when they drank, but they would have to come up with a whole new word for what Adam was.
Adam mostly just enjoyed watching everyone else. The group grew more giddy and giggly as the evening drew on and he wasn't sure if it was from the small amount of alcohol they had consumed or just the sheer joy of being surrounded by each other again. Whatever it was, it seemed to be rubbing off on Adam a little, and every now and then he would feel actual contentment surrounding him.
But then, just as Matt and Lil huddled together giggling or Scott started doing his best Gokey impression, he would hear Kris laughing. He would turn to the left without thinking, see Kris's face scrunched up with laughter, leaning back in his chair, and he would remember just how much he really missed Kris. Then an anger that he had to fight with everything he had threatened to overwhelm him. Everyone else could be easy and happy around Kris. They could laugh and smile like everything was perfectly fine and all Adam could do was watch from across the table, feeling as if he was watching Kris from a thousand miles away. He may as well have been with the distance between them. He hated that he still couldn't manage to look away.
His expression and body language must have shifted because he could feel eyes on him and as he turned to see Matt and Danny looking at him with concerned expressions it was as if the rest of the table picked up on it as well.
“So you two love birds still living together?” Lil asked teasingly, looking from him to Danny and despite himself he laughed slightly.
“He promised himself to me for life so he ain't never getting rid of me now, honey.” Adam winked at her and then the entire table was laughing. Most of the table, anyway. There was no laughter from Kris' direction.
“When exactly did I promise myself to you forever?” Danny's voice was filled with humour and Adam remembered a time when Danny wouldn't have been as comfortable with this conversation as he was now. He wasn't entirely sure when things had shifted but he was grateful for it.
“On many countless drunken occasions...”
“It worries me how much you remember when we go out drinking.”
“And so it should. Maybe I should tell everyone about your suggestion from the other night?”
Suddenly Danny did look worried and it only made the smile on Adam's face widen. He glanced over at Matt who was smiling along with him, completely aware of what Adam was talking about. Voices piped up from around the table, demanding to know what Danny had said -- especially Allison who was standing up on her chair, clapping her hands together excitedly. Adam just shrugged nonchalantly and took a sip of his drink.
“Well, Danny said that if neither of us are married by the time we’re forty we should marry each other.”
The group erupted with laughter again and Danny leaned forward and crashed his head against the table.
“When was that?” Allison was shouting over the laughter.
“Last week at my birthday party.” Adam shook his head laughing as Danny still hadn't emerged from hiding his face in his arms.
“Where was I?” Allison sounded a little disappointed that she had missed the moment and Adam loved that there was still such a childlike quality about her.
“You were off dancing, as usual.” He winked at her as Danny slid next to him. Adam could literally see Danny's brain working overtime as he tried to remember exactly what he had said.
“Did I really say that?”
Adam nodded. “Uh-huh. You said that it was the best solution.”
With that, everyone was laughing again and Danny started protesting that Matt and Adam were making it all up. But then something seemed to click into place and the memory obviously returned.
“Oh. I did say that.”
“Yep. The date is set.”
“What?”
“Well of course I agreed, Danny. Not getting any younger, are we.”
“Oh, screw you.”
Adam giggled slightly and then nudged into Danny. “Oh you wish, Gokey.”
He really had no idea why he was attempting to string Danny on, since Adam knew he would see straight through it; but then he was laughing again - uninhibited laughter. In fact, he could barely breathe through it and he caught Matt and Danny exchanging triumphant looks, as if they had planned the whole damn thing.
It wasn't until he turned to look in the direction of where Kris had been sitting that the laughter stopped abruptly. Kris's seat was empty and there was a dark, sad space where he should have been. He was vaguely aware that everyone else had begun moving around him clearing dishes and glasses away. Scott was talking to Matt about his family, Allison was chatting away to Lil about songs on her album and Danny had risen and was helping Anoop and Megan in the kitchen. No one else seemed to notice that Kris had just fucked off somewhere, leaving Adam still sitting and staring at the place where he had been.
He jumped out of his chair quickly and told Matt he was going outside to get some air. If Matt was worried he didn't let it show, and Adam left through a door just at the side of the kitchen before anyone could protest.
The silence and cool air was refreshing. His mind had felt clouded in that room, so caught up in being surrounded by everyone. He felt like the past was hurtling back towards him, memories and questions left unanswered that had haunted him for years. He wanted to tell himself that they didn't matter any more, desperately wanted them not to matter, but they still did. It shouldn’t, but it still bothered him that Kris could get up and walk out the room without even so much as a word to him.
He walked slowly around the decking, hoping that some of the tension would leave him as he looked out at the view and tried to lose himself in that rather than his own thoughts. But as he turned the corner and found himself at the front of the house, he saw Kris sitting on the steps leading down to their parked cars, his head buried in his hands.
Adam should have turned around and walked back the way he had come, but something stopped him and he stood motionless instead. The light from inside the house spread across where Kris sat and seemed to light up his skin making it even more golden than usual. Adam shouldn't have been allowing himself this. He never let his gaze linger on Kris for too long -- it only made it harder when he had to turn away. But he was feeling reckless tonight, so he didn't look away, only leaned back against the house so he could watch more comfortably.
Kris moved his hands away from his face slowly, tugged one hand through his hair and stared down at the ring on his other hand. Then the grip he had on his hair was gone and he was twisting the ring around, pushing and pulling it up and down. With one final push it remained on his finger and he buried his face again in his hands.
Adam tried not to think too much about what it meant. If he had been a mean bastard he might have been able to take some kind of sick pleasure in seeing Kris so torn up and beaten. But he wasn't, and despite everything Adam still wanted to close the distance between them, hold Kris tightly and tell him everything would be okay. He missed Kris. He missed having that closeness. No matter how many times he had searched for it in other people over the years, he’d only ever found it once, with Kris.
Kris took in a deep, lingering breath that left his lips in a pained and broken word. “Adam.”
If Adam had been still before he was entirely motionless now. He wondered if Kris knew he was there, if he’d been caught out watching him … The way Kris had muttered his name made him want to cry, and then Kris was saying it again but softer and quieter, and Adam knew it wasn't meant for his ears. Kris was saying it to himself, to nothing and no one at all, and Adam couldn't help the sound that left him as he exhaled.
Kris froze and Adam thought about running but he couldn't seem to move either, so he waited for Kris, waited and watched as Kris's hands fell from his face and he turned to look in Adam's direction. Adam was half hoping the darkness would shield him but he knew straightaway from Kris's expression that he was aware of Adam's presence.
He really should have known better, but Adam stepped out of the shadows. There were a million things he could have said -- so many things he wanted to. He had imagined this moment so many times, but speech was failing him and all he could do was look down into the brown eyes staring up at him.
He was sure he could see tears forming in Kris's eyes, apologetic and regretful, and Adam was suddenly determined to let nothing show in his own. Adam could feel his resolve slipping, he felt like his body was going to betray him and that soon he would be closing the distance between himself and Kris. Still after all this time, despite everything that had happened between the two of them Adam found it unbearable to see Kris suffering, of all the things he should have felt towards Kris sympathy should not have been one of them. He should have been angry and he wished that he could be, that he could honestly say that he didn't care but he did care and the only thing he could do was cover it up completely.
He kept his gaze cold, refusing to show Kris how much he was struggling, himself. He had learned things the hard way with Kris before, and he wouldn't be weak again. Not where Kris was concerned. When loud laughter from inside the house broke the moment, he turned quickly and walked away first.
He had seen enough of Kris walking away from him to last a lifetime.
.