ISO

[larp_tech]

When looking for housemates to move into an existing group house (if you will), if the candidate is in an ongoing poly relationship, is it okay to want to meet all involved parties before making a decision about acceptability?  Or should the judgment be based solely on the individual who would be a full time resident?

Ideas or suggestions?

Comments

[oortdust]

If the potential housemate plans to have their SOs over frequently, then I would say yes. You would want to know if these others, who may become frequent guests, would fit in with the current household. It can/has been very stressful to have a housemate whose SO drives everyone else nuts, and is over all the time.

[madamruppy]

I think it quite reasonable. AFter all that person's partners are likely to spend a lot of time in the house. While each person is entitled to date who they want if they are dating someone who is a very bad mix with the rest of the house, then that needs to be considered. I've seen it a few times in the past - even in mono relationships. The people who actually live in the house have the right to be confortable in their own home. i don't like feeling as though i can't be in my living room because my roomie is there with their partner.

[ex_greymaide85]

If you are auditioning a monogomous roommate, would you ask to meet their boy/girlfriend? Probably not. So why do the people your possible poly roommate is dating matter more?

Now, if you are looking for someone to join a poly household, as in, be an active part of the relationships therein, different story. Yes, I would absolutely want to meet their existing partners. Not only that, but I'd run a rudimentary background check on all of them.

But that's just me.

[stori_lundi]

I agree. I think the main issues with people in relationships, regardless of their type (mono, poly, other) is when said SO spends so much time in the house that they should be paying rent too. Frequent guests can drive up utility costs like for water (more showers, flushing toilets) or take up more space in the fridge (food for 2 instead of one).

So I think the issue is laying down ground rules for guests/SOs as opposed to what type of relationship they are in.

[larp_tech]

The only reason poly matters more is quantity. Poly implies the possibility of more than one person visiting, possibly at the same time.

If I was informed that the potential housemate was not poly but dated a lot with frequent (and different) over night guests, I would be even more concerned about who they might be letting into my house.

To answer your question, if the monogamous potential roommate planned to have their SO over frequently, I would indeed like to meet them before hand.

Thus the more accurate question should have read, with a potential roommate who is in a relationship should I want to meet the SO?

Two possible answers are 1) it only matters if the SO will be present for reasonably large amounts of time or 2) if I set ground rules about visitors then the type of relationship doesn't matter (and should not have been included in my original query).

[ex_greymaide85]

If you would want to meet any SO, then I don't see why it hurts to ask. When I was in college, my roommate had a godbrother who was in the room ALL THE TIME. I didn't mind, but I can see how some people would. I once helped my ex move into a new place with a roommate, and then stayed for the rest of the week before I drove 3 hours back to school and his roommate flipped out about it.

So maybe the better questions to ask isn't "Can we meet your SO(s)" but "Are there any people who will be visiting frequently, and do you mind if we meet them before you move in?"

If potential room-mate thinks that's strange, just explain that a previous room-mate had guests over frequently, some of whom were not very nice or respectful of your home and property.

[sharrainchains]

If you know that a housemate will be having one or more SOs over frequently, I would think that you might well want to meet them! Of course, it might be different if you know the potential housemate well enough to trust their judgment (or at least to trust them to control their guests).

[castalusoria]

Regardless of monogamous or polyamorous status, if a potential housemate intends to have a partner/s spend a lot of time in the house shared with others, yes, I think it's OK to want to meet the people likely to be spending time there. If a partner/s is going to, ostensibly, be spending time around people already living in the house, knowing in advance whether there are going to be 'issues' there is important. (For good or ill.)