About Harry Burn

[lemonmerchant]

[Stylistic commentary welcome. The story is true, and pretty wonderful

Comments

[dac]

I don't understand. He changed his mind?

[lemonmerchant]

Indeed. He switched from "no" to "yes".

Good call, though. I'll change the ending a bit to try to make it clearer.

[dac]

nice. Is the flower some sort of foreshadowing of his feminine sympathy?

[lemonmerchant]

No, the red rose was what the anti-suffragists wore.

Reading comprehension, sir, reading comprehension.

*tsk* *knuckle-rap*

[chaerm]

I've often wondered if you've missed your calling as a writer. I certainly appreciate your style, although, is this the beginning middle, and end or just the start of something greater? I would recommend that if this is all there is to be then consider revising the last sentence only from the world being a different place by the time he went to sleep. I feel that it doesn't fit well stylistically with the rest of the story. It's almost as if the author changed...I can't quite put my finger on it. Otherwise, beautifully done.

[lemonmerchant]

I had a rough feeling about that final sentence, too, and have since reworked the last bit entirely.

This would be the start of a chapter, probably.

[lemonmerchant]

Thanks. It is, as you say, intended as the beginning of a chapter.

I am still not wholly satisfied with the last sentence, but that may have to stay as it is for now. Ultimately, it would need to connect to the paragraph that follows it. But since I don't now what that paragraph looks like, it's sort of like making a plug, for a socket whose shape and size you don't know.

[reasie]

NICE! I see from other comments that you've tweaked since original posting, so I'm commenting on the edited version but I found it both well-paced and clear. I like the double-barrel hit of the climax of the story just at the end. :)

[lemonmerchant]

Thanks. The ending will certainly want for some tweaking, if and when there is a next paragraph, to facilitate the broadening of scope.