It is two thirty in the goddamned morning and I have barely made headway on my behavior plan which will someday, hopefully, resolve into a research project. I wish everything didn't blow so hard. It's my own fault, I suppose, but it might also be their fault too ( Read more... )

These days it's really hitting home: I'm old. I've had this ancient journal forever; I've lived a hundred little lives; I'm never quite the same, but I haven't really changed that much. I was trying to recall things about my relationships, and I'm so proud and happy to have digital records. I'd forgotten, in all my debates with my hippie, that ( Read more... )

Forgive me for being increasingly negative, journal. I don't mean it, really. Today I am in Georgia, and things are prospectivey as they sometimes are. Today, I feel lucky ( Read more... )

Today is incomprehensibly disappointing. I had a long, stressful, satisfying day at work. In which ... well, a lot of stuff. And I ended the day with a trip to the bar which I wasn't really looking forward to, and so ended badly. I'm not happy with my time here, maybe not even with my friends. If I could do the whole experience over, tonight ( Read more... )

I think if this behavior analysis thing doesn't work out, I really won't mind being a craft and coffee maven. Or perhaps a Balinese cloister maiden. Because frankly, neither area of my life is really going anywhere these days ( Read more... )

Going through old music rather than working on my thesis. I need a little inspiration tonight, what can I say ( Read more... )

When was the last time I dressed up for Halloween and meant it?
When was the last time I enjoyed someone's company for pure enjoyment sake?
When was the last time I cried?
When was the last time I loved so desperately I wanted to write poetry?

I hate my life here, I'm tired of distractions.

I was so ecstatic to move to Illinois. To be someone new. To be moving, dear god moving, in any direction at all. For months that feeling sustained me, and I was honestly happy. Once the lonelies and the randies kicked in, things changed a little, and I wasn't happy and I didn't know it. The past few weeks I finally realized: I spend a great ( Read more... )

I wouldn't be up and angsty at four in the morning, I swear! I went to bed a little existentially weary, but sleep came easily. Only my ancient boxfan finally died, and it was ... adrenaline producing. Sparks and smoke and on and off again, oh my ( Read more... )

Night is my time. Time for needing and wanting and thinking and doing. Wasting my time feels like the best use of my time, though there is so much left to do. If I could, I would give you a hug. If I could, I would put him on mute because he has nothing but poison left for me. If I could, I would convince you that it really doesn't matter ( Read more... )