I sometimes consider wearing a hat...but then I remember that I have beautiful hair.

During a run today I saw a dead fish on the side of the road. Most bizarre road kill ever.

I'm not going to tell my kids that you get babies from a stork. I'm going to tell them Craigslist.

Everybody at work is participating in a walking challenge so we all wear pedometers now. When I'm out I don't want to be the nerdy guy wearing a pedometer so I just tell people it is my pager.

Why does Michael Jackson like 97 year olds?

They are also dead.

Marathons have 10 elite athletes followed by 10,000 amateurs. I think they should do more athletic events like this. I want to see 10,000 people jump into a pool following Michael Phelps.

I just got an email from TOMS shoes announcing that they now have youth's sizes. What have they been giving kids the past couple years?

Is it more than coincidence that the Northwest not only has the most sightings of Bigfoot in America but that they also have the best weed?

my house got broken into...they didnt get much...but where the fuck are my remote controls..

I like to refer to Joe Biden and Barack Obama as Bacardi and cola...sometimes diet cola..