jealousy

[luckyduck_08]

I'm keeping this post public because this is an essential part of who I am and it gives everyone a brief peek into the kind of person I am. Atrocious as it is.

Comments

[oliviaxiv]

I'll admit, I'm a terrible livejournal friend. I don't ever read my friend's posts or any of that junk, let alone randomly read a stranger's live journal but I was very interested in this

[luckyduck_08]

first of all, thank you for taking the time to read all of that, i'm aware of how long it is. also, thank you for the obviously thought out reply; i really appreciate it! it makes me question your belief in being a bad LJ friend!

it's true that we all want what we can't have. i adore pale white skin, absolutely love it. (i'm not into any of that vampire stuff though, just fyi)

from your pictures on self portraits, your skin looks fine. and even if you're using cover up, you do a great job with it, and your looks more then make up for it, trust me!

and you're obviously intelligent, your reply shows you're not some airhead. you DO have a talent with words and i'm glad you recognize that.

for ten years at least i've wanted to look like other people and i don't know if i'll ever get over that but at least i can appreciate looking slightly different...and OW, threading?? that sounds so painful!

i want to write more, but i'm so tired...i'm glad you added me though, i added you back and i'll check out your profile :]

[xguhx]

You both are so god damned gorgeous, I cannot understand how you can harp on your imperfections, but I won't fault either of you for it.

[unfaux]

I can't find words for all the things I want to say to you. It breaks MY heart to read parts of this. But I can relate.

You said
"I'm not spectacular at photography, or art or sports or languages"

Those SAME words have gone through my head soooo many times in life. So I guess I just wanna say, you're not alone.

[luckyduck_08]

well, new friend, i've read the few posts you have, and looked at your pictures and YOU are beautiful and obviously gifted! i just want you to know that!

[unfaux]

well thank you. you're beautiful too ;)

I want to tell you something

[xguhx]

I know exactly how you feel. To a tee, on a visceral level. Maybe not counting the specifics, but the emotions, the thoughts, the wishes, the hopes and dreams, the realization that many of these dreams will never be realized. All of it, replicated exactly and pointed at my own life. Including the jealousy. Jealousy in just about every person, regardless of age, color, creed, sexual orientation; whatever it was they thought they had to plague their life, I would always think, ‘They are not me. They will never understand, even if they try. They [i]cannot[/i] possibly understand’. I recognized it, and was too ignorant to care. They still would never know what I was. I defined myself by [i]what[/i] I was

Re: I want to tell you something

[luckyduck_08]

i want to say "i'm sorry" for your disability, but that wouldn't help now, would it? (but i still have to because i really am sorry!)

i really, really like how even though you try to stay positive, i can still sense an aching, raw, bitterness. i know that sounds really weird, but it's refreshing to me, to have someone deal with such a shitty hand of cards and remain *human.* i'm not trying to imply you're a bitter person (oh god, i'm spiraling down into a hole, aren't i?), but you're honest about the situation you're in. for better or for worse.

speaking of refreshing-that was an amazing compliment to me by the way, about my writing. :)

i have more to say but it's 4:14 am where i live and i'm rambling on as it is!
thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply, i appreciate it!

Re: I want to tell you something

[xguhx]

You seem to appreciate the reality of things for me. In terms of how I react to my own daily struggles. I do try to stay on the up-and-up, but... yeah. You're right. I do ache still. I don't think it's such a bad thing, either. This is the way I was born, and it is no one's fault, and I would never blame anyone for it. But I don't have to like it

hello

[toadiedeogre]

you sound very much as i did as a child. Would love to add you as a friend, can never hurt to have someone that can relate to how you feel.

Toadie

Re: hello

[luckyduck_08]

added you!
i think we have a couple of mutual friends, and i've seen your comments and you seem like a pretty decent guy :)

Re: hello

[toadiedeogre]

Decent? Shhhhhhhhhhhm don't go tellin anyone. I'm trying to up keep a rep here. ;)

Toadie

[lummy71]

That's a very honest post. A painful one and one that really says something about who you are. It's not too long, and it's certainly not boring. Average people run multibillion dollar companies because they try harder to succeed. :D Just throwing that in there.

As I read your post, I was intriqued not because of the jealousy part, but because each of us are our harshest critics, least likely to cut ourselves some slack. The fact that you can accept and live with that shows maturity that it beyond your young years. Of course, it does make relationships more difficult, but I imagine you try very hard to deal with it.

I hope you wouldn't mind adding me as a friend. My entries are not nearly as introspective, but they are what they are.

I found you through a friend of a friend's post, circuitously, if you wanted to know. :D

[luckyduck_08]

i do not mind you adding me at all!
i do have to warn you though, my day-to-day entries are generally rambling, whiney rants about nothing important. i'm interested to read your journal; you already seem very interesting to me!

i don't think i'm mature really, but that's always nice to hear! relationships are difficult for me, especially those "acquaintance type" ones, but i'm (usually) pretty good at hiding my jealousy!

[lummy71]

you know what? Occasionally, I need to read rambling and whiny. I'm an encourager by nature, so don't be surprised when I try to encourage you, but I'll try to avoid being patronizing.

Yeah..I can relate to your jealousy. It took me a long time to get over my jealousy things, but I finally found a way (kind of). Of course being old gives perspective. :P

[luckyduck_08]

don't be surprised when i probably don't listen! (but i appreciate the encouraging and attempt to not patronize! :] )

and what way is that? also, ha, i doubt you are what i'd consider old!