HOUSE OF SIN - The Diary of Uke Yutaka : CHAPTER 15 PART 3

[luna_no_koibito]

Title: HOUSE OF SIN - The Diary of Uke Yutaka
Chapters: 15.3/21
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Human drama, romance, war, angst.
Warnings:  men/men relationship, cursing, sex, violence, incest.
Rating: from PG -15 to NC-17 (Depending on chapter)
Pairing: Revealing this might spoil the story just yet ... suggest looking at the character list (^_^)!
Bands: the GazettE, Dir En Grey, X-Japan, Nightmare, An Cafe', Alice Nine, Kra, SuG.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Summary:
  MAIN





Made by lovely_carrion

CHAPTER 15 PART 2

He had hated smiling, vehemently so, he never found the point in such an actions, which in his opinion took lots of effort, particularly when there was nothing to smile about, yet, two of the people, whom Kaoru loved the most where apt to do so, continuously. One being his mother, whom had been told plenty a time that she could have died at any moment, thus knew perfectly that in itself there really wasn't much of a future to look towards, she knew well aware nonetheless she would always smile at him and his father. Happy of their family, being the wife of a wonderful man she loved more than herself, and with whom she would have wanted so many more kids but couldn't because of the fragility of her body. Happy of their rural house and farm, even though she couldn't help in the work and constantly felt guilty about it. Happy, so incredibly happy, of being the mother of that child that never smiled, to whom she would always explain that there was no point in frowning when she was obviously still alive, and that most of all; such a rigid expression simply didn't fit such a handsome face. It was such a pleasure to be able to see her aged and proudly showing her smile to her grandchildren; though it took a while to settle with the idea of having chose her over him.

Kouyou, the second person, whom just couldn't help smiling, because he was so modest, so shy, and where words came to lack, he had quickly learned that a simple gesture such as a smile went a long away. It did, unless the person he had been smiling at was Kaoru, whom seemed to get even angrier, oh did, but ironically enough, it never changed the way he felt about the once blond, in fact, it probably made it stronger, given that no matter what he had yelled out of anger, the other would always be back by his side. It took a huge tree with a great shade and a calm breeze to get them close, a leave that had been his bookmark flying with the breeze right on Kouyou's face to get them even closer, and his apologetically retrieving the dried leaf, with Kouyou bashfully smiling to finally close the distance. That had been their first kiss, he was seventeen and Kouyou sixteen, ever since, they had secretly been lovers, their bond strengthened, and their dream-making began. “I must cover your share as well ...” had once explained Kouyou when at the end of his wits Kaoru had asked him why he kept smiling, even when something sad had obviously happened “... because I have been blessed with only good things in life, and you haven't, I must smile for you as well, so that God will not be angry at you”. Thus he began to smile, in order to “shoulder his share”, at first only with the blond, until it then became a gratifying habit. However, it had been devastating, having to find out from Takuya that such a religious person, had ever since began to hate god as much; thus it had become his turn to smile for the both of them.

Since that day as he listlessly watched England drift away from his sight, on top of the deck of that ship that would brought him to Ireland, he wondered. Had he made the right decision? A man had once told him that it could be known when a man was truly desperate in the moment he was still second guessing himself when a life was involved, and that, desperate, he had turned out to be. It happened so many times for me to have wondered whether it would have been wrong if he had chose Kouyou over his mother, and not feel ashamed of such a thought either. That saying made even more sense, the day he had been able to perform a miracle operation on a girl whom was almost dead, and whom once capable of communicating, had asked him “Why did you bring me back? I was so close to reaching his hand, yet you pulled me away once again ...why?!” she had cried. Everyone, whom had assisted at the scene told him not to give any weight to the words of the woman, who simply couldn't accept the death of her beloved, all ignorant of the way he himself felt.

Each day that passed with himself knowing that he had been the one to have willingly left the love of his life hadn't been easy, and having to also acknowledge that Kouyou would have most likely not understood, was even worse, it killed him inside excruciatingly slowly. Because at a point, when he had to accept the fact that Kouyou simply didn't want to see him anymore, and that his class required him to get married, didn't changed the fact that he still loved him, even though he had two wonderful daughters whom he absolutely adored, didn't change that he still loved him. Such feelings where obviously disrespectful towards his family, but he couldn't help them, he had tried and it just didn't work, but he had learned to accept them, like a punishment for having made such a wonderful soul suffer as much, because he could have done things differently; he could have spared so much hurt, to the both of them. He still wasn't too sure of exactly why he wanted to see him, it had the high potential of being counterproductive, such hurting him further in having to stand, apologize, and take a closer look at what he had been longing, but now couldn't obviously have.

The sun was almost high up, his eyes had indeed done enough of staring at a wooden door, and his feet had done enough of standing, though his heart had been restless for the whole twenty minutes in which he stayed there unmoving, when the object of his desire was just behind that door. As he hesitantly raised his clenched hand, and knocked on the door, and took a step back, ready to properly receive any flying punches. Because even though Kouyou had always been very gentle and harmless, he still was a man, and he had happened to see him truly angry, twice, and from what he had seen, the once blond had a very good straight. However, a good five minutes later, the person who opened the door was someone else

-Good morning ...- he politely greeted, and paused, quickly studying the Indian man, whom received him at the door. Takuya had been keeping him informed about Kouyou's sexual habits, and had also explained about how he had lately decided to stick with two Indian men. To think that the person standing in front of him now, was one of the people who had the privilege to touch his love in ways he had been blessed to only do once, and in many others he could only imagine, wasn't helping in the least, as he tried to resume his speech -... I am- he finally blurt out but was suddenly cut be the long haired man, whom leaned on the side of the door interrupted him, as he took a slow once over, while condescendingly grinning

-Doctor Kaoru Niikura right? ...- calmly asked the foreign man, catching the doctor of guard for a second, after which he silently nodded still staring at the man -... your confident look precedes you, and anyways ...- resumed the man, coolly walking inside the house, and making sign to the doctor to follow him in -... he has described you so many times, that it would would be really impossible to mistaken you - he explained, as he stopped in front of a room, and newly turned towards Kaoru, who didn't quite know whether he should have felt flattered or not -... I am sure you do have your reasons for what you have done … I am sure he does know as well … and even though you probably came here to explain such things, I would advice from doing so ...- firmly stated the man, looking straight into Kaoru -... not because I fear him being taken away from us, in fact it would be my wish to see him happy with you, but you are obviously not here to take him along are you? … - he rhetorically inquired, as Kaoru merely kept quiet -... all I am asking is … not to make him feel worse than what he already is, if you feel like you must tell him the truth, please be ready to accept the responsibility of everything that will result out of you making such a choice- he concluded, receiving a firm nod from Kaoru, who was seeing the point in the Indian man's word, and whom who had no idea what will happen, but hoped it really wouldn't degenerate.

Swiftly disappearing inside the room, still leaving Kaoru outside, the Indian then quickly cam out with another Indian man, whom severely looked at him

-He is all yours ...- announced the long haired man as he dragged the other one along down the hallway of the guest house. Newly raising his clenched hand up, Kaoru knocked, and his heart skipped a bit as he heard Kouyou's voice suddenly replied … it had been so long, but it still had the same exact effect

-You two … what kind of game is this … just come in I do not feel like getting up at all ...- whined the younger inside the room, making the elder lightly smirk not knowing that Kouyou was capable of whining, he probably did not know a lot of things about this Kouyou anyways. A few second later, he then slowly opened the door, and let himself in -... what took you so lo- suddenly whined the younger brunette, quickly sitting up in his bed, and as quickly cutting himself up, as he stared at Kaoru in terrible aghast, and it was all so ironic in away. On a bed he had left him, and on a bed he found him, for the first time after twenty years. The first time, after having spent most of the early morning crying for the first and last time in his life, and probably leaving traces of it after having kissed him goodbye. How was he to fight the urge to want to hold him, to caress him, even dare as much as kiss him, when he knew it was completely unappropriated, as much as not-welcomed to do so. The first to move had however been Kouyou, who merely looked at his laps, covered in a peach colored bed-sheet, both his hand over it, tightly clenching at the material

-If you are not a dream ...- coldly began the younger, still keeping his gaze away from the doctor, who gently closed the door, and leaned on it -... I would suggest you left now, for I may not be in control of my actions - he then lowly threatened

-I would rather be killed by you right now than leaving this room ...- impulsively replied Kaoru, but the other merely kept quite -... I like it … it fits you … the black hair ...- he then randomly professed, realizing that even though he had so much to say, to explain, he suddenly was feeling like he couldn't breath. He knew that it wasn't going to be easy, and Kouyou wasn't going to be exactly happy, but reality was beating his imagination ten times at the moment.

-Oh do you? I am flattered ...- cynically smirked the younger -... it was a Japanese discovery, I am glad you approve of it, though unfortunately as you can see I am still quite a male, no gender-changing-discovery, I am sorry ...- he dejectedly spat -... but I heard you got married, so you solved the problem anyways … better than working on finding a probably impossible solution, much easier than- kept spitefully rambling the other, but was suddenly interrupted by the elder, whom really wanted him not to think that his gender had been the reason why he had left

-I never left because you were male Kouyou ...- confidently stated the doctor, trying however to sound as soft as possible -... I loved all of you, exactly the way you were ...- he professed in a melancholic manner

-Please get out ...- suddenly hissed the brunette - … I thought I was ready to see you, I really did, but I am not, and I probably will never … you have no idea, you could never even begin to imagine the way I felt when you left me … the way I feel now … so please just … leave- almost pleaded the younger brunette

-Are you happy? ...- unexpectedly inquired the elder, suddenly realizing how, explaining the reason why he had left, would have made the other feel even worse, because when Kaoru had finally found the cure, it had instructed the papers to write about himself discovering a cure to save the wife of the Lord,and not to mention his mother

-Happy? ...- indignantly spat the younger, snapping his head at the elder -... are you seriously asking me, if I am happy? ...- he venomously reinforced, incredulously gazing at the elder -... tell me Kaoru, do I look happy to you?! - he then exclaimed, strongly pointing his index finger a this chest

-I wish you were ...- whispered the elder, observing the younger frustratedly getting of this bed, and angrily pass both his hands through his hair

-You wish I were ...- he sarcastically repeated

-I wish … I … - suddenly stopped the doctor, for the first finding himself lacking words, not being able to stand the sight of such afflicted Kouyou -... I should have come soon, I should have apologized sooner, I sh- senselessly tried to apologize the elder, but was abruptly cut off by the younger, whom speed walked towards him, he then suddenly stopped some inches away, and as expected, rapidly punched him

-You should have not left him Kaoru! - cried out the Kouyou - as simple as that! You should have been there when I had awaken up, you should have told me what was the matter, you should have taken me with you no matter where, and no matter what reason! - kept yelling Kouyou -... you were my everything Kaoru, everything! And suddenly you were gone, do you have any idea of how does that feel? You were my godforsaken everything … my everything - lowly began to profess, while hysterically crying -... a big part of me died that day, and more kept leaving me with the passing of days … it hurt Kaoru, it hurt so much ...- he ended in a whisper, only tears finding their way out, as the doctor replaced his gaze on the younger -... and you know what is worse? You know the worst part? ...- he rhetorically inquired angrily staring at the man in front of himself -... is that I still love you! - he declared, which made the elder snapped his eyes closed, while his heart skipped a bit -... I -he yelled, after which he hit him on the chest - … still ...- chest hit -... love ...- chest hit -... you! -... God I do! And the fact that I cannot have you no matter what I do, no matter how much I pray is too cruel … and unfair! Because after all said and done, the truth is that no matter how much I try to ignore this fact, no matter how much I kept running from you, I know ...- he then stopped, raising his head towards Kaoru, whom then opened his eyes -... I know very well that the man, whom I decided to love would have never done such a thing without a good reason behind it ... - he concluded, newly crying to himself, as Kaoru swiftly embraced him, tightly keeping his sobbing form on his chest

-Thank you ...- emotionally whispered Kaoru - thank you, thank you thank you ...- he newly whispered embracing him even tighter -... I swear if there had been any other way in which I could have done this back then I would have, I never intended to hurt you the way I did, I did not imagine, I cannot imagine how much you must have suffered for it to have been able to take your faith and smile away ...- began explaining the older, as slow tears made their ways down his cheeks -... I loved you so much Kouyou … I still do as well, and the feeling of having you in my arms right now … - he paused to breath in a little, his eyes overclouded in tears -... I cannot even begin to express, I really wish I did not have to leave you now or ever … - he painfully declared -... but you know if you think about it ... how many can say with certainty that they had met and spent a good nineteen years with the love of their lives, the last three of which had been beyond beautiful ...- he began to kindly point out, while stroking the younger's black locks, even though he knew it wasn't a strong argument, he really hoped that Kouyou would at least try and see it in that way as well

-Indeed … - lowly whispered the younger -... a good nineteen years of pure happiness … - he reinforced still talking on the elder chest -... maybe … I have been acting a little self- tried to pointed out the younger, but couldn't letting out more tears, and newly hitting his fist on the elder's chest, which showed that he was obviously forcing himself to say certain things -... did you cry the night you left? - he then suddenly inquired

-Yes ...- simply replied the elder, at which the younger kept silent and nodded -... I ...- he then resumed some few minutes of silence later- … I kept all your letters … I condemned, you a lot, but never had the guts to really throw them away … - admitted, gently pulling away from the embrace -... so I can read there, what happened, but now … I know … I cannot have you, I am not trying to create problems but one thing of you I will ask ...- he then firmly professed, looking up at the elder -... I just want some sort of closure, if possible- he sniffed, as Kaoru merely nodded at him, as he wondered exactly what could have he done because he was really too shaken, to think of anything at the moment -... alright ...- lowly stated Kouyou, tightly holding the elder's hand, guiding him towards his bed, in front of which he left his hand, and walked towards the side of his bed, getting inside it

-What … should I do? ...- hesitantly inquired Kaoru, observing every movement of the younger

-Get inside … on the other side … - softly instructed the younger -... and lay down next to me, the same way you had, that night in that hotel ...- he explained, as Kaoru obeyed beginning to understand what the other was asking of him -... I will fall asleep now, I did not sleep to well so I will must likely doze off immediately for a little bit and … - he then paused, as they both laid on their sides facing each other -... I just need you to be there, when I wake up, alright? ...- he then requested, at which Kaoru merely nodding, welcoming the younger brunette in his arms, as he dozed off

He knew he probably should have slept for himself for a little bit, however, this was too sweet, and too incredible a moment to even try and close a single eye. Sad was to have to think about it been all over once he would have opened his eyes, sad was to have to let everything go again, but he knowing that the person he had now in his arms was his real love, he at least could have start hoping that they would have met again in another life, possibly the same way they were. One smiling, one not, one blond one brunette, but both males and doctors; given that they still had a certain project to work on. An hour and some minutes later, Kouyou was moving in his embrace, and slowly opened his eyes, staring up at him, doing another thing he never though he would see again; smiled

-Good morning Kaoru ...- greeted the younger

-Good morning … my beauty- kindly greeted the elder, caressing the younger's cheek -... how did you sleep? Was everything of your liking?- he then politely inquired, acting just like he truly was at that hostel

-Yes … everything was … just perfect ...- replied Kouyou -... thank you ...- he then whispered, getting closer to chastely stamp his lips on the ones of the doctor -... thank you for those years … thank you for this ...- he professed -... next time we meet ... do not do things of your own accord, tell me everything - he then pointed out with a bittersweet grin

-how will I know that you are the one? ...- calmly asked Kaoru

-well that is a sill question to ask ...- condescendingly smirked Kouyou -... I will be the annoying one, who will keep smiling at you even though you are madly angry ...- explained the younger brunette

-Okay ...- agreed Kaoru, as well leaning in to bestow a parting kiss on those lips he had longed to kiss for so long now -... I must leave now ...- he begrudgingly announced -... if not I will never … and make another mistake the opposite way … -he observed, making then both lightly smirk -... thank you for … believing in me, and loving me Kouyou … thank you - newly stated the elder, kissing his forehead,a nd after an exchange of smiles, Kouyou newly closed his eyes, and Kaoru cautiously got off the bed

-Itterasshai ...- suddenly exclaimed Kouyou, which made Kaoru stop on his walk towards the door, and turn towards the younger not knowing the meaning of what the younger had just stated -... it is Japanese, it means “Go and come back safe” ...- explained Kouyou, still lying on the bed, his eyes still closed

-And … is there something … I am supposed to say? … - inquired Kaoru, kindly looking away, already regretting having left that bed

-Ittekimasu … it means “I am going and will be back”- readily replied Kouyou, while Kaoru placed his handle on the door, and facing it serenely smiling he stated, feeling satisfied about the way things went, and keeping tightly in his heart to possibility of another future together

-... ittekimasu -

CHAPTER 16 PART 1

A/N: Aaah … specially given how emotionally hard it had been for me to write this … I feared having to write this chapter from the beginning, and now that it is gone, I can breathe a little … I feel so bad for Kaoru *sighs * … I wish I could comment on this more, but I am being told to go to bed, so now I AM TRYING to post it okay? Thank you for reading … and someone is coming back in the next chapter ...

Much Love -LnK♥(~_^ )/-