HOUSE OF SIN - The Diary of Uke Yutaka : CHAPTER 16 PART 1

[luna_no_koibito]

Title: HOUSE OF SIN - The Diary of Uke Yutaka
Chapters: 16.1/21
Author: luna_no_koibito
Genre: Human drama, romance, war, angst.
Warnings:  men/men relationship, cursing, sex, violence, incest.
Rating: from PG -15 to NC-17 (Depending on chapter)
Pairing: Revealing this might spoil the story just yet ... suggest looking at the character list (^_^)!
Bands: the GazettE, Dir En Grey, X-Japan, Nightmare, An Cafe', Alice Nine, Kra, SuG.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and don't wish I did because I'd be sorry for what could befall them （・＿・；）！
Summary:
  MAIN



Made by lovely_carrion

CHAPTER 15 PART 3


All he had wondered, all that had been hidden, or all that simply had not been too clear had finally been explained and given a rather satisfactory explanation. And the amount of information he had so suddenly been stormed with in a mere couple of minutes preceding what he thought would have turned out to be a regular day, in his regularly confused life at the Hayashi Manor, was so overwhelming and so significant that it almost felt as if the bearers of said revelations had somehow been disrespectful in its regards for having successfully been able to shove it in such a little amount of time. To be even more precise, the way he truly felt was as if he had been finally served on a silver platter with all that delicious and at the same time quite nutritious food he had for so long longed for, which however had been stacked up in such a rushed manner that its result came out to be rather unsightly, and however, even if it had somehow manged to look appetizing, it would have really made no difference anymore for Yutaka; had long lost his appetite.

Nonetheless, now that he knew, now that almost everything had at last been made clear, now that the fate of his life finally rested in his own very hands, it was perhaps somewhat laughable his sudden feeling of wanting to return to that state of complete ignorance, and manipulation in which he had been aimlessly managing to stay afloat for all this time. Because now, Yutaka truly didn't know what to do, or rather, he didn't know what he ought to have done, for now, the path was laid, it wasn't dark, and it wasn't mysterious. There were two roads in front of him and he had no other choice but to pick one.

He could have either follow his mind, act rationally, take on the matter in question and proceed according to the book, according to what he had been taught, according to what he consciously thought he was skilled, meaning, now that must of everything was solved and that he still had his place waiting for him in London, he should then take up and proceed in his career; make something of himself, like any regular human would aspire. Or, he could follow his heart, which basically meant following a doctrine very similar to Dr. Niikura's and rely on instincts and impulses he had always known he had, but had been fighting so much to constrain, which then meant; staying and thoroughly see through the end what he had started.

It was indeed most displeasing, in moments such as this, to have mind and heart in complete disagreement, if he were to have been a well rounded human human, also known as the perfect man, he wouldn't have had to struggle in-between two choices, for his or her heart and mind, would have been acting as one. Not to long ago, he had though of Dr. Niikura as such a being, but once again, he was proven wrong, and it wasn't like the doctor himself hadn't told him time and time again that there was really nothing special in his being, but considering all his accomplishments and his great amount of knowledge, Yutaka had never had any reason not to think of such expression as a mere display of modesty. Thus there existed no such human being as the perfect man, and in a very simplistic way, the anatomy of a person could have quite explained why in most cases heart and mind simply couldn't get along.

The brain, situated all the way to the top, took and processed all the information that it had been given, immediately and accurately. Then, a bit lower, somewhat hidden, was the heart, which took all the discarded information from the brain. The information that the brain is not able to process, to understand, and that in a way could also be considered harmful for the person itself and which according to the brain probably should be promptly eliminated. Nonetheless, the heart sees value in it and takes it all, like a bottom-less trashcan it keeps getting filled with all sorts, and at the moment, the way things were still standing, Yutaka's trash was occupied by the only person of this family that was still a mystery to absolutely everyone, but himself.

Akira.

Yutaka ha no idea how long he had remind to ponder inside the church from where Dr. Niikura had long left, and some minutes after which father Byou had resolved better to follow in step. All he knew however, was that rays of lights that had rapidly began to fill in the church through its multicolored glasses were rapidly reducing in brightness, that it had gradually began as quite for him to be able to clue into birds chirping every now and then alongside with his rumbling stomach, and that he had apparently been so immersed in his thinking that he hadn't heard the church door opening, and delicate steps getting closer, thus managing to find himself completely startled by Kazuhiro's standing figure next to him.

-I apologize Mr. Uke! - quickly excused the longed haired blond, looking rather mortified -... I thought you might have heard me -

-It … is alright ...- quickly replied Yutaka, managing a feeble smile -... I was indeed quite lost in thought - he explained, trying to regain some sense of where he was, while snapping out of his prolonged thinking daze -... but is there something I could help you with? - he confusedly asked

-Actually I have come to collect you ...- gently proclaimed the blond, there was no worry in his tone, but his features spoke differently

-Something the matter? ...- quickly inquired Yutaka in an alarmed tone readily standing to his feet -... is anyone harmed? - he added, which shouldn't have been such a natural thing to profess as a first thought, but considering the degree of events that had occurred starting from Takeru, and ending in Akira, it wasn’t completely out of place to think so after all

-No no ...- swiftly replied Takahiro -... none of the sort - he added still looking rather dejected -... at least not yet ...- he then whispered, so lowly that Yutaka was sure it wasn't meant for him to have been heard -... this was completely unexpected, but … my father has returned - plainly informed Kazuhiro

-Genral Hayashi … is here … now- asked the apprentice, in a bit of stupor, obviously this was the general's house and family, thus it shouldn't have been a thing to be so startled over, yet it somehow felt so out of place for some reason, it almost felt like there really never had excited such a person, like he had simply been just a name belonging to a face painted in the gigantic portrait at the entrance of the main living room of the manor.

-Yes … - sighed Kazuhiro, as he lightly bowed making sign to the brunette as to follow him -... he usually sends letters before he returns, which can only mean that the situation on the front was as bad as for him not having been able to do so … furthermore ... this can only be bearer of bad news I am afraid ...- he lowly admitted, as they exited the church, where Yutaka calmly stared at the already almost setting sun … just how long had he stayed in there?

-What … sort of bad news? … - Yutaka inquired, after some minutes they silently kept walking towards the main house, but Kazuhiro kept his quite, seemingly lost in his own set of thoughts, and even though he didn’t particularly believed he had any reason to, he himself was starting to feel rather nervous at the prospects of the imminent encounter.

Exactly because of everything that had been going on in the house, he had never once stopped to think, or even bothered to ask about what sort of person General Hayashi was. What sort of man could have held such a prestigious stance in the English army, and yet, have such questionable family affairs? Was he concerned about it? Was he even aware about it? How, would a man of such caliber, regard his so extremely dysfunctional family? Was there extreme worry in having to leave for the front every time; … was there relief?

As he allowed his mind to entertain itself, they finally reached the back entrance of the main living room where they finally entered, and where the familiarly delicate but grave voice of Dr. Niikura was entertaining a seemingly pleasant conversation with another grave but quite cold sounding one, whom he supposed pertained to Genral Hayashi. Just like in the picture he seemed tall, and and his hair was long wavy and light brown, his mannerism appeared very much calculated, in the way he rigidly sat, in the way he regarded Dr. Niikura, he didn't seem like the person anyone would like to argue with, and perhaps even have a regular conversation with, reason why all the other people present in the room were as silent as they could be. Sitting at the farthest couch away from where the family head figure was setting there was Takahiro who was looking entirely uninterested, next to him Akira was sat, whom quickly glanced at Yutaka as the apprentice kept walking in, and after which he newly placed his gaze on his father. At the end of the nearest couch, sat Yasuno, next to whom there was an empty space probably filled by Kazuhiro. Then in another armchair right next to General Hayashi's sat a particularly radiant Lady Hayashi, whose input in the other's conversation was limited to vague smiles and incoherent smirks; Kazamasa and Takereu weren't there.

-Oh here he comes … our soon to be son-in-law! - delightedly announced Lady Hayashi once Yutaka and Kazuhiro were close enough, standing in the middle of the living room. Having forgotten what Kazuhiro had quickly lied about some time ago during the first time he had encountered Lady Hayashi, the apprentice bemusedly blinked at the woman for a second. While recovering from his slight confusion, he also silently assessed the atmosphere in the room, and one thing that felt painfully clear was that Lady Hayashi seemed completely out of place. Her being so merry and energetic, was entirely mismatching to the silence and coldness of the rest of the family in the room, even though it shouldn't have been so, given that the return of one's own husband should bring only but joy, still said cheerfulness gave a kind of uncomfortable tone to the if not happy occasion

-He is no such thing Namie ...- plainly stated Kouyou, whom calmly made his appearance walking into the room, and dropping himself next to Yausno -... for she is not Ayumi, nor any other she. Kaz- nonchalantly tried to continue the zealous brunette, but was promptly and rather firmly interrupted by the General, whom turned to look at him with an expression that Yutaka couldn't quite define. It wasn't condescending, nor displeasure, nor coldness, perhaps something akin to sever absence, in the sense that his features looked stern, like he felt he was supposed to say something as such, but there was vacancy in eyes, as if his spirit truly hadn't been there at all

-I am quite sure that Mr. Uke will not mind telling me himself who he is ...- stated the general, slowly and composedly getting up from his armchair -... and … - he then paused lowering his gaze in the direction of his seated brother, but not making eye-contact -... would it have been asking for so much to be at least greeted by my own brother, whom I haven't seen in … perhaps two years by now, if I am not mistaken - he then coldly added, raising his gaze to stare at Kouyou for a minute, in which they both remained silent, after which the brunette performed a feign pleased smile and replied

-Welcome back brother, such a joy to see you all well and alive it is … - sarcastically blurted out the elder brunette -... now that you are back things are surely bound for the best - he concluded, stressing a particular word, and newly performing his fake smile at the General, who merely stared at him for a while longer, and then turned his seemingly forlorn gaze on Yutaka

-Shall we Mr. Uke? ...- politely inquired the General, soon after which, Kazuhiro merely walked to sit in the middle of Takahiro and Akira, with whom Yutaka looked eyes. Those deep blue eyes that constantly held in so much, of which they apparently couldn't talk about if not under the fierce mask of anger, and only that it was, a mask, because the apprentice seemed to realize seeing them in such a situation, that those eyes weren't angry, they were simply tired, hurt and fearful, of what Yutaka so much wish he knew -Mr. Uke? ...- the general called again, at which Yutaka quickly broke eye contact, and after apologetically nodding, he followed the elder.

-I do apologize for not having been able to carry out my host duties …- plainly began the elder -... but the nature of my job, as you might know, made it quite impossible - he added, as he kept walking forward, never seeming to want to turn around to actually make sure that the apprentice was following, at the same time, never faltering in the gracefulness of his walk and voice tone, everything around him seemed to have an aura of flawlessness, perhaps the reason Yutaka felt more comfortable walking behind rather than by his side; and maybe, there did exist a perfect human being.

-I perfectly understand ...- lowly replied the younger, as they stopped in front of a room, which door the elder promptly opened, and while standing on the side of his entrance he made sign to the apprentice to enter, after which he closed the doors behind themselves, and walked his way behind a desk all the way to the other end of the room

-... Do please sit ...- politely instructed the general hinting at the armchair in front of his desk, once he had sited as well. Yutaka silently nodded and complied even though he had absolutely no wish to do so - I do apologize, for I must likely will sound rushed, but the nature for my return is making it so that I cannot waste any time ...- he explained -... not I consider speaking with you as such, but I am sure you would agree with me that the nation comes first- he added, receiving a politely nod from Yutaka, whom as far as he could remember, had never felt so uncomfortable in the presence of anyone before, in fact he believed he probably would have felt better if ti were to have been the Queen of England the one sitting in front of him instead.

-Thus, I shall perhaps apologize for the behavior of my children I suppose, and the fact that you are still here after a whole two weeks from what I have heard, keeps me puzzled, for I do not know whether to think of you as insanely courageous, or simply … insane, for it- calmly stated the the general, which anyone, included Yutaka some time ago, would have agreed on, but at that very moment, it seemed to rub the apprentice in all the wrong ways, as he impulsively opened his mouth and interrupted the elder

-insane? ...- he inquired in stern curiosity, at which the elder, paused and firmly looked at the younger, obviously not predicting the possibility of being interrupted

-Well Mr. Uke, my remark wasn't meant to insult you ...- replied the general -... merely, being this my family, I am well aware of the rumors that surround it, and I am also well are aware of them not being rumors in the majority of the cases, thus- nonchalantly explained the General Hayashi, whom however was newly interrupted by Yutaka, whom still unaware of himself, was beginning to feel a growing sense of contempt for the haughty man sitting in front of him

-then how … - blurted out Yutaka, pausing for a second, and resuming in his momentary act of what he believed the elder might have regarded as insane bravery, or perhaps just insanity - how might general, talk in such a detached manner about your own family, as if … it feels as if it doesn't concerns you sir- he concluded still wondering why had suddenly barged out to become the defender of those now more than ever obviously poor seven souls

-Meaning? - plainly question the general, gazing at the younger in cold transfixion

-Are not children the result of their parents' upbringing? ...- sternly observed Yutaka, ready to walk the treacherous road he had suddenly turned into all the way to the end, still not knowing exactly why, but at the moment, feeling like it was the right, and only thing to do

-Thus, you are accusing me of being a bad father - plainly expressed General Hayashi, in an incredibly calm tone, which took the apprentice slightly off guard

-Well ...- resumed Yutaka, suddenly committing the mistake of allowing his brain to speak, over his sudden found guts, which had so gracefully being conducting the present conversation -... the fact that the nature of your work made it so that you were more absent than not, could be a factor to be taken into account but- hesitantly professed Yutaka, whom was however abruptly interrupted by the elder, whom sat up from his armchair, walking towards his window with his hands rigidly holding each other behind his back

-Before you precede in righteously bashing me Mr. Uke, there is one thing you must understand ...- firmly stated the elder, while newly turning to regard a silently awaiting Yutaka -I am not trying in no way to deny my obvious faults or justify myself in any way, however, even though what I am about to say will sound completely unreasonable and unfortunately I shall not explain why, but I will will have to let you know that my prior and only concern, the only person I am right now obliged to, is my wife -plainly stated the man, whom as predicted was now looking at a rather disgusted feeling Yutaka. The apprentice, as a person whom had never had the pleasure of meeting his own parents, could not stand having to hear such inconsiderate words, by someone whom seemed so indifferent and had the nerve to have up until seven.

-Then why even have children?! - rashly exclaimed the apprentice, currently rather livid in face - … your children flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood, somehow managed to make it out in this world, where they are being condemned, and where they don't seem to want to have anything to do with if not to cause chaos because ...- indignantly added Yutaka, glaring at the rather silently, and lowered gaze general - … because nobody seems to care, they really … only … have themselves - he concluded in a whisper lowering his gaze as if just understanding the realization he had just made, as the general kept quiet and impassive - ... why is there some set unreasonable notion out there these days, that children in this world need not to be brought up, but merely brought out … - then lowly and painfully questioned Yutaka mostly talking to himself

-That ...- suddenly spoke the general, with quite the absent tone and gaze -... I must certainly would like to know as well … - he also lowly spoke, in the same hopeless manner as the apprentice, seemingly talking to himself.

Thus the room stayed still, with a heavy layer of silence, which had fallen over its two momentary inhabitants, whose gazes were averted from each other, and whose muscles didn't move, if not for that one laying comfortably in their skulls, which, in both their cases, was most likely lost in profound thoughts, of most likely the same thing, and as well most likely with two very different point of view. And in the mist of it all, Yutaka wondered whether it couldn't have been possible for him to have actually realized such a relevant aspect regarding the Hayasi children without have been confronted in such a way by their father. Shouldn't he have noticed? Shouldn't he have given them much more of a serious thought? Shouldn't he have placed himself in their shoes, instead of making them try to fit his? Because that was exactly what the protocol of a mental physician of their current time did, try to correct the behavior of individuals according to standards that are objectively regarded as normal; objectively regarded by various subjective doctors. Yutaka really felt quite ashamed of such a realization, and this might have been by far the saddest day of his career as an apprentice, the day in which he finally could admit that he had professionally failed under every aspect, or rather, a day in which he could finally acknowledge that his studies had failed him under every aspect.

-... I suppose you have no more issues to point out, critisize, or declare? - suddenly stated General Hayashi, bring back the younger from his trans, whom merely shook his head in silence -... then please name the sum and I shall be more than please to provide for it - he then stated, getting back to sit at his table

-Sum? ...- confusedly inquired Yutaka, hoping that the elder wasn't alluding at money as it seemed he was

-Yes, our family as you must have understood is rather wealthy, and I have absolutely no qualms or lack the means to provide you with whichever sum you might ask of me to compensate fro whatever might have been the trauma that my progeny is sure to have caused - calmly explained the general,a s if he were dealing with some regular transaction, once again seemingly diminishing the value of his children, once again making the apprentice feel rather sick to his stomach

-I do not need your money thanks ...- he lowly excused, at which the elder didn’t reply, merely nodded and turned his gaze away, looking not particularly surprised regarding the apprentice refusal, but probably somehow hoping that he would have instead accepted

-Had they all taken it? … the money … have all the people who preceded me taken the money and left?- dejectedly inquired Yutaka

-Most of them will be gone before I could even have the time to offer amends … but yes they do- quickly replied the elder, at which Yutaka had no reaction for he had no reason to think that there might have been someone who would have refused offered money -... well then … I shall get ready for dinner, and you might desire to do as well, I desire to talk to everyone, and being you such a rarity in our everyday life, I would ask of you to be present as well - politely requested the elder, at which Yutaka merely nodded, as he stood up

-Hearing by the seriousness of your tone, I am assuming that also Kazamasa and Takahiro will be present - he then quickly inquired as he walked towards the entrance of the room

-They will not - plainly stated the general -... my wife will not be able to be around if they were, and as I said she is my priority - he specified and concluded, making Yutaka's mood sink even more even though he should have expected that

-I shall see you at dinner general Hayashi ...- he then excused himself opening the door to the studio, after which he paused in the middle of his entrance - … you might not care, but they don't like the situation they are in, and slowly some more than other, tried to get themselves out of it, and actually succeeded … - he explained thinking about those such as Takahiro - … you should be proud of them ...- lightly added the apprentice -... by I shall dare see that it would be rather distasteful if you claimed credits for any of it- he concluded, not worrying that the statement might have actually been rather rude, and offensive, for he had none but that intent as he said it

-I know ...- quickly and plainly replied the elder, as Yutaka finally exited closing the doors of the studio, and quickly dropping over them for a while, as he wondered how had it been possible for him to act so bravely and out of character, but in such a short time, and with someone with such a high post like the general. He had no idea how he did it, but for once in his life he actually also felt happy. Happy to have done something he felt right, that his heart told him to do.

Calmly walking back up the main stairs that would have taken to the second floor and towards his room, he suddenly stopped, as the figure of Takeru suddenly crossed his view some meters ahead of him. He was apparently walking toward his room, and gave the apprentice a quick silent glance before he resumed walking

-I was adopted ...- suddenly blurted out Yutaka, not knowing exactly why he had chosen to say exactly that, just knowing that he suddenly felt sorry for him - … I never met my parents … I have no idea, whom they might have been - he concluded, lightly smiling at the still impassively and cold looking teen

-Aw … how unlucky ...- promptly replied Takeru with his usual tone of distinct feign resentment, to which he added a pretense sorrowful pout - Certainly, you must have stopped and wonder … why am I all alone in this world? … my parents, my family, who were they? … right? - rhetorically inquired Takeru

-Unavoidably so ...- sadly replied Yutaka, not feeling any kind of pain in having to recall the fact, but simply because he could tell, having by now grasped the younger's character, that he would soon be told something he probably would have done better without hearing

-Exactly … and your mind must have come up with so many possibilities had it not? ...- continued the younger, still keeping up what once used to be an annoying forced cheerful smile, but now that Yutaka knew most of the reason behind it, it merely felt uncomfortably agonizing

-Quiet frequently, yes ...- Yutaka kept placidly admitting, still waiting for the Takeru's final blow

-Right … and let's see … - continued Takeru, placing a finger over his mouth, which he lightly tapped while looking to the ceiling imitating a profound thinking pose - what would have a young Mr. Uke thought? ... let's see, perhaps, you might have thought that your parents simply did not want you and resolved on dropping you wherever they had, but then again … it could also have been that they might have died in a tragic incident but manged somehow to save you before the happening … how about it? - inquired Takeru, in continued feign interest, while he lowered his gaze back to the apprentice

-All quite possible … - merely replied Yutaka, still standing immobile in the middle of the hallway, patiently waiting for the verbal bashing to come and be gone

-Indeed both quite possible, in the same way that you are indeed bound to never know the truth about it, but at least Mr. Uke…- continued the younger, pausing for a second, as his features slowly morphed to a somewhat apathetic expression, seemingly not capable of keeping up the smiling facade any longer - … at least you can keep thinking it whichever way you wish it to be, you can choose your beginning, and live through it as you so fit … you can make it nice for you, and there will be nothing or nobody reminding you that that is not the reality of facts ...- he explained, after which he swiftly turned towards the door in front of himself, and grabbed its handle -... whereas for lucky old me, who does have parents, I am so fortunate as to have the cognition of knowing exactly that I indeed am an unwanted child. In the same way that I perfectly know that there is no seat for me at the table where you are soon to have dinner at, and in the same way I perfectly know that those people, my so called parents, whom scorn my birth, and whom I despise with all my being, are an irreplaceable and very dear existence to the one person I love more than myself- he calmly explained, with all the cynicism he possessed, adding a light smirk at the end -... oh lucky me indeed ...- he then sarcastically whispered, turning his head to the side to directly look at the apprentice, to whom mortification couldn't even begin to describe the way he was feeling at the moment -... it may not be written on any of the books you have study off Mr. Uke, but do allow poor non medical student me to inform you that having to always know everything in life is not a must … sometime … ignorance is truly a god-damned blessing - he calmly concluded, opening the door to his room, and quickly disappearing behind it, leaving the apprentice still standing still in the middle of the corridor, staring in the direction of his own feet.

He had seen it coming, he knew this was going to happen, the exact second after he had said what he had, for even though his intentions were completely harmless, in fact, he had simply wanted to maybe find some sort of common ground with the younger, as soon as he had said the sentence about his own parents he had also realized how out of place it had been. True he hadn't tried to force the other into his own problem, but comparing them was just as bad. Walking towards Takanori's room, he opened the door, walked straight towards the window where he had spent most of his time lately, and simply stared out the window. He hadn't been able to reach a common ground with Takeru, which was alright, something like trust and like, weren't going to be granted after having blurt out some random sentence, and not in a minute, especially with the history they had with each other. Nonetheless, it didn't matter, at the moment, he felt like it didn't matter, it felt like he could, and should try again, until he succeeded. Right there and then he felt like he needed, and wanted to stay.

Stay, because he felt he could still try, and keep truly trying to help, until he succeeded, stay because deep down he truly didn't want to leave, stay because Takeru was still sour, stay because father Byou was still counting on him, stay because Akira was still a major of his concerns; stay … because he simply wanted to. And that was exactly what he would have done, until he was satisfied with the result, until it felt like it was okay not to.

We would stay.

CHAPTER 16 PART 2

A/N: Hallelujah Amen? Yeah perhaps so, but it was quite the delicate chapter, and it had been a bit hard to express some of the emotions in it, given that there isn't much speech in this is there. But critical analysis aside … father is back, so suddenly, and in a rush … why? And Yutaka has decided to stay, he is finally growing a pair isn’t it … LOL.

Well, time to go to dinner, and see just what will happen … I think it promises to be interesting

Much Love -LnK♥(~_^ )/-