Waiting (rewrite), Book 1, Chapter 3
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 9416 (25410) words, published 07-14-11
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter three, nightmares
Book One
after an endless dream, in this world of nothingness
it seems as if our beloved dreams will lose
even with these unreliable wings, covered in images that tend to stay
I'm sure we can fly, oh yeah
after an endless dream, in this miserable world
that's right, maybe not using common sense isn't so bad after all
even with these awkward wings, dyed with images that seem to stay
I'm sure we can fly, on my love
- Wada Kouji, butterfly.
"Lessee... 6x=5x+4(2x-3)-2... So that would be 6x=5x+6x+1-2, no that's not right. Maybe it's 6x=9x(-x)-2... Wait, maybe I multiply," I muttered to myself. "Agh, I hate this!" I growled in frustration, scowling down at my Algebra II homework. Oh, how I hated it...
"Taichi?" Mom's voice called, interrupting my evil thoughts about killing my homework.
"Yeah?" I asked, gladly looking up as she poked her head into the doorway, happy to have a break from nonsense numbers, but then I noticed how strained her face looked. "What is it?" I demanded, immediately worried.
"It's Yamato. Mr. Ishida called, said something was wrong with him and that he asked for you."
I jumped up in a sudden panic, scattering my homework all over the desk. I didn't even need to hear any more. If Yamato asked for me, then I was going. I tossed my pencil down and started to race out of the room. "I'm going over there, Mom!" I called. "Don't wait up for me, I don't know when I'll be back tonight!"
"Wait, Taichi!" she said, sounding confused as she followed me through the kitchen.
I didn't stop, but I did slow a little, glancing over my shoulder. She was looking at me rather speculatively, and I felt slightly unnerved. What was that look for? "What?" I asked her.
She smiled a little at me, face softening. "Call me and let me know if he's okay, alright?"
"I will," I promised. Then I was gone.
* * *
As fast as I was going, it didn't take me long to reach the Ishida apartment. Mr. Ishida let me in when I knocked, and I stepped in, immediately noting Takeru sitting in the chair near the couch. I wondered what he was doing there, but quickly brushed it aside as I spotted Yamato asleep on the couch. His doctor, Dr. Kaos, was there too, stepping away from him to head towards us.
I focused on Mr. Ishida. "What is it? What's wrong, is Yamato okay?" I asked, a bit scared by Dr. Kaos' presence. If Dr. Kaos was here, surely it couldn't be good...?
Mr. Ishida scratched his head, looking a bit apologetic, which instantly made me feel somewhat better. "I'm sorry, it seems I called a bit prematurely. Yamato's fine, he had another panic attack. I just hadn't seen one, so I didn't know what it was and called for Akira."
"Oh," I said, immensely relieved. "It's okay, Mr. Ishida. They are pretty scary to watch. I freaked out when he had his first one." I glanced back to Yamato. "Why's he sleeping though, he didn't sleep after the first one until the EMTs sedated him."
Dr. Kaos smiled at me, though it was a bit grim. "He apparently had a flashback, which in turn triggered the panic attack. Both of those combined were pretty intense, and wore him out. He fell asleep shortly before you got here, after we finally managed to get him calmed down."
"A flashback?" I asked, frowning. "About Ken?"
"Presumably."
"I didn't know he was having flashbacks," I murmured, starting to walk towards him. Why hadn't he mentioned this to me?
"I think this was the first," Mr. Ishida said, "unless-"
He stopped talking abruptly as Yamato let out a small moan.
I froze where I was standing. Yamato started to mumble and fidget, still sleeping. Then suddenly he let out a little scream, and I bolted towards him, preparing to wake him.
Takeru jumped out of the chair, and Dr. Kaos barked out, "No, leave him!" but it turned out to be moot, as Yamato jerked awake then, gasping.
Everyone halted for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then I went to him, asking if he was okay. It was a bit of a stupid question, but I felt the need to ask him something, and it was the first thing to pop into my head.
Yamato looked around at all of us gathered there, took a few shaky breaths, and then shook his head before hiding his face in his hands. I sat down next to him on the edge of the couch, saying "budge over a bit," which he did. I gently grabbed his hands and pulled them away from his face, curling my fingers around his left hand and just holding on.
The others just watched me do this, and then Takeru came over and sat down at the end of the couch, near Yamato's feet, picking them up to make room for himself before setting them back down in his lap.
Neither of us spoke to him. I figured that if Yamato wanted to talk about it, he would. Otherwise I was content to just sit with him, offering silent support and comfort. I didn't want to pressure him into anything. He'd already been made to do enough things against his will.
The two adults continued to watch us for a few moments, and then Dr. Kaos gestured at Mr. Ishida, motioning for him to follow him into the other room. They left, going into the kitchen, but we could still overhear their conversation.
"Has he been having nightmares like that a lot?" Dr. Kaos asked, speaking lowly.
There was a sigh. "He's had a few like that over the past few months. I didn't know what was going on at the time and chalked it up to stress. Since the Ichijouji boy was arrested though, they've gotten a lot more frequent."
"PTSD..." Dr. Kaos murmured, still speaking quietly. It was a little hard to hear him, honestly. "I'm not a psychologist, but given the flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares, it's likely he's developing it. He ought to talk to someone professional."
"He's already refused." Mr. Ishida sounded a bit frustrated at that. I could imagine how that conversation had went, knowing how stubborn Yamato could be.
"Why am I not surprised. At the very least, I could prescribe him some sleeping pills, something to help him sleep a little easier."
"I've asked him, but he doesn't even want any over the counter ones. He won't tell me why. What am I supposed to do Akira, I can't force him."
"No, I suppose not."
The rest of their conversation was lost to us, as the home phone line rang just then, distracting us. I looked at Yamato, who didn't seem inclined to answer it. "I can get it, if you want me to," I offered.
He nodded, and when I released his hand and moved to grab the phone, he climbed off the couch and headed out of the room, probably going to the bathroom or something.
I picked up the phone. "Ishida residence," I answered.
There was a pause, and then Ny's voice hesitantly said, "Taichi? Err, did I dial the wrong number?"
I grinned a bit at that. "Nope. I said 'Ishida residence' didn't I?"
"Why are you answering Yamato's phone?"
I sighed, my brief bout of humour fading. "Yamato's not really up to talking at the moment," I told him truthfully.
"What's wrong?" he asked, immediately sounding worried.
I glanced over at Takeru, not sure I wanted to talk about it all in front of him. I also wasn't sure just how much to tell Ny. I knew Yamato probably wouldn't want me to tell him the truth, though. And Yamato deserved his privacy. Finally I just said, "He's fine, really, he's just having a bit of a bad evening."
"Alright then," he said slowly, clearly confused and not quite believing me. "Will he be in school tomorrow?"
"I don't know," I told him honestly. "But if he's not, I probably won't be either. If that's the case, you could probably stop round and visit tomorrow, though I'd call and double check first."
"Sure, that sounds good. Tell Yamato I'll call him tomorrow, and that I hope he feels better."
"Sure thing," I agreed. "Bye, Ny." I hung up.
A few minutes later Yamato wandered back in and sat back down on the couch next to me, pushing slightly at me. I blinked, not certain what he wanted for a moment, and then got it and sat back. He instantly curled up into my side. I grabbed his good hand again, starting to get a little worried that he hadn't spoken.
Just how bad had that nightmare been?
* * *
"Hey," I said awhile later, poking Yamato. The three of us had just been sitting there on the couch, not speaking or doing anything, content to remain in silence and draw comfort from each others' presences. "It's getting late. Do you want me to stay round tonight?"
Yamato looked up at me and nodded. "I don't want to be alone," he said softly.
I heard Takeru give a little huff at that, and glanced over to see him looking slightly offended. I gave him an apologetic look. I couldn't really blame him, it had been a bit of an insensitive thing for Yamato to say. But at least Yamato had finally said something. Even Dr. Kaos had seemed a bit concerned that Yamato hadn't spoken before he left.
"Alright," I said. "I'm gonna go check with your dad, make sure it's okay."
He nodded, reluctantly letting go of my hand. I smiled at him reassuringly and slid off the couch, heading towards Mr. Ishida's room. He'd retreated there after Dr. Kaos had gone, giving the three of us some privacy.
"Mr. Ishida?" I asked quietly, knocking on his bedroom door.
"Yes?" He opened the door a crack, sticking just his head out. He looked exhausted, and sad, and a little bit resigned. I wondered how often 'frequent' was for him. Did Yamato have nightmares every night? He hadn't had any the other two nights I'd stayed round, though... Mr. Ishida cleared his throat politely, reminding me that I wasn't alone.
Oh. Right. "Um, is it alright if I stay round for the night?"
He smiled tiredly at me. "Sure. I'd figured as much already, anyways. Is Takeru staying as well?"
"I'm not sure. I'll go ask him," I said. "Thanks for letting me stay."
He just nodded and waved me away. I left, going back into the living room. Yamato and Takeru were still on the couch, and neither looked as if they'd moved. "Your dad wants to know if you're staying the night too, Takeru."
He blinked, a guilty look coming over his face. "Oh boy, I never called Mom back." He groaned. "She must be going mental by now. I guess I better go call her, and let Dad know I'm staying."
That reminded me. I yanked my cell phone out of my pocket, and held it up to Yamato. "I should call my own mom."
Yamato didn't say anything, but he did seem to at least acknowledge the statement. I didn't like how quiet he was being. It was unusual even for him.
I went into the kitchen so Takeru and I wouldn't confuse each other with our conversations, and dialled home. Hikari answered after a few rings, and I let her know what was going on and that I'd be staying for the night.
"And tell Mom Yamato's fine," I told her. "She said she wanted to know."
"I will. And I'm glad he's okay, Taichi."
"Me too," I said, though privately I was less sure that he really was. "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, okay?"
"Okay. Bye, love you."
"You too," I said, and hung up.
* * *
Another hour later, and Takeru had finally given in and crashed out on Yamato's floor. Mr. Ishida had gone to bed too, coming out of his room briefly to wish us a good night and make sure there was enough extra bedding for Takeru and me. Yamato and I were both still up, on the couch, though Yamato was now laying back down again, his eyes closed, his head in my lap. I was absently running my fingers gently through his hair. I knew he wasn't asleep though, or he'd be snoring ever so slightly. To be honest, I was starting to get sleepy myself, but I didn't want to disturb him.
We'd been sitting in silence for awhile, and I was nearly asleep when Yamato finally spoke.
"Taichi?" he said quietly.
"Hmm?" I murmured, jerking my head up.
"Can... can I tell you about my nightmares?"
"Of course," I said, my brow furrowing just a bit in confusion, wondering why he felt the need to ask permission. "Yamato, you can always tell me anything, whenever you need to. I'll always listen."
"I-you heard my dad earlier, right? With Dr. Kaos?"
"About you having nightmares a lot lately?"
"Yeah." He swallowed, biting down on his lip. I wished he would open his eyes. I wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling. "It's not-every night," he said haltingly. "But, most of them. They're-they're bad. Sometimes I wake up from them and I'm screaming," he admitted.
"That's horrible," I said, feeling awful for him. I'd occasionally had some bad dreams from time to time, but never so bad I actually woke screaming. And to deal with that nearly every night? It was surprising he was even as alert as he was during the day. That had to leave him exhausted.
"They're usually about Ken... they're like memories almost, the things he did to me. Some of them are different though. Those are the ones that are the worst, because in those it's not me he's hurting, it's my friends, my brother. And in those usually I'm there, and I'm watching, and I'm trying to stop him, trying to save you guys, but you're always just out of reach." He paused for a moment, swallowing harder. "Those are the ones where I wake up screaming."
I shivered, feeling goosebumps on my arms, wishing I could do something to make him feel better, to take away his suffering and bad dreams. Hell, just hearing about them in general terms made me want to cry, I couldn't even imagine what it had to be like for him. I continued to stroke his hair, feeling helpless. "I'm sorry," I told him.
"The one I had tonight-it was about you. Ken was hurting you the way he hurt me... he made me watch, and I couldn't do anything. I wanted to, tried to, but I couldn't. He had a knife, and I knew he'd kill you..." He started to cry silently, tears slipping out from beneath his closed eyelids and rolling slowly down his cheeks. I had to resist the urge to wipe them away with my thumb, knowing how much he hated people to acknowledge his crying.
"He can't hurt me, Yamato," I said softly. "He's locked away in jail now. I'm safe. You're safe."
"I know," he said, sniffling. "I know that. But those dreams just feel so real. When I first wake up, it's hard to remember that they're not. I couldn't stand it if something like that ever happened to you. When I woke up this evening, I was so relieved to see you there, standing over me, because you were safe and alive and whole, and it meant that it was just a dream and Ken hadn't actually hurt you."
He finally opened his eyes then, reaching up with his left hand to awkwardly scrub at his face, though it didn't really help. "I'm sorry, I'm such a mess."
"Hey, no, it's okay, Yamato. You have nothing to be sorry for."
He didn't respond to that, just turned over on his side, burying his face into my shirt. He was quiet for a bit, and I let him be, knowing that he was embarrassed about crying and not wanting to make him feel any worse.
"I changed my mind though," he said a little while later, when he'd stopped crying again and seemed to be feeling more calm.
"About what?" I asked, looking down at him.
He pulled his head away from my shirt and sat up, looking at me seriously. "I'm still not entirely sure if I'm ready, but I decided I'll never find out if I don't try. I want to be your boyfriend."
I stared at him, having not expected that at all. "Do you mean it?" I asked stupidly. Why would he have said it if he didn't mean it? Yamato wouldn't ever play a such cruel joke on me.
"Of course I mean it, idiot," he said. "Here, I'll prove it." And with that he leaned over and lightly kissed me on the lips, too briefly for me to even think about responding.
I blinked dumbly, still staring. "Wow," I said. "That... this is great. I mean, thank you. Um, I'm really happy right now, for me, and for you, and... I don't really know what I'm saying." I laughed, definitely feeling like the idiot he'd just called me.
"I'm saying yes, Taichi. Just say okay."
"Okay," I agreed, smiling. I had the resist the urge to jump off the couch and start jumping up and down with glee. Yamato wanted to be my boyfriend! I couldn't believe it. Despite how shitty the past few weeks had been, I couldn't recall a happier moment in my life. I knew it was terribly naive, and probably not at all true, but it felt like now that we were together, things would finally start getting better and Yamato could heal. I hoped with all my heart that things would really turn out that way. I just wanted to see Yamato okay.
* * *
I woke up the next morning to a quiet knocking on the door. I sat up, blinking sleepily as Mr. Ishida poked his head in the room. "Yamato? Taichi? Either of you awake?"
I yawned, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "I'm awake," I'm mumbled, only half-aware.
He laughed a bit, amused, looking at my rumpled clothes and mussed up hair. "Yes, you look very awake right now."
I groaned. "What time is it?"
"It's about one in the afternoon."
"What?" I yelped, suddenly much more alert. I shoved the covers off me, piling them on top of Yamato instead. I hadn't wanted to share the bed with him, still afraid of upsetting him somehow, but Takeru had already taken the floor and Yamato had insisted, saying that he didn't want to be alone. "One o' clock? I never sleep this late!"
"Considering the events of last night, I figured it wouldn't hurt to let you guys sleep in. Of course, I don't want you sleeping away the entire day either... You should see if you can get Yamato to wake up."
"Right," I said, still reeling from the shock of it being one pm. I never slept this late, not even on weekends.
Mr. Ishida smiled at me and then left, shutting the door back behind him. I continued to sit there for a moment, trying to get my bearings. To be honest, when Mr. Ishida had first woken me, I'd had a brief moment of confusion at finding myself in Yamato's bed, before recalling the events of last night.
I grinned, thinking of how the night had ended. Yamato and I were together! Boyfriends. Even after confessing my crush to Yamato the other night and getting a confession in return, I had still half-expected him to end up turning me down. But he hadn't. And not only that, he'd kissed me! Granted, it had been very quick, the barest brush of lips, but it was still a kiss. Hopefully it meant there would be more in the future.
Though, given what Yamato had been through... would he even want to do anything sexual? I didn't know much about how people acted after that kind of thing, but I had some vague idea that most of them were scared of sex afterwards, or something. Maybe I'd have to do some research on the web later.
A soft whimper interrupted my musings, and I quickly jerked my head to the side, looking at Yamato. He was still asleep, and in the same position he'd been in when I woken. Had I imagined it?
He let out another whimper, a slight frown marring his face. A deeper frown crossed my own at seeing it. No, I hadn't imagined it. Was he having another nightmare?
I sighed, preparing to wake him up. It really wasn't fair that he had to suffer through all of this.
* * *
A short time later, Yamato and I were in his kitchen with his dad, eating some cereal. Or at least I was eating it. Yamato was dragging his spoon through the bowl, half-heartedly lifting it up every so often and then dropping it back down without ever taking a bite.
I'd managed to wake him, but not before the nightmare had left him terrified and clutching at my arm, wide-eyed and gasping for breath. I'd tried to get him to talk about it, but he'd refused, silently shaking his head. It seemed he was back to the not speaking of last night. It made my heart ache, but I knew there was no point in trying to get him to say anything.
"Where's Takeru?" I spoke up, wanting to break the awkward silence of the room. I had wondered though, when I'd woken up and he wasn't in the room anymore, or even in the apartment.
"He left this morning," Mr. Ishida said, setting his paper down and looking at us. "He went to school."
"Oh." I frowned and took another bite of cereal, wondering if my mom knew I hadn't gone. "I hope my mom won't be mad I didn't go..."
"Don't worry," Mr. Ishida reassured me. "If it's necessary, I'll talk to her about it. I'm the one who didn't wake you guys this morning."
"Thanks," I said, pushing my now empty bowl aside. Mr. Ishida and I both looked over at Yamato then, who still had a full bowl of now soggy cereal. He hadn't stopped messing with it, and was staring down into it as if it would tell him all of life's secrets. Or more likely provide the miracle cure to his nightmares that I knew he had to be wishing for.
The room lapsed back into an awkward silence. I wished he would talk to me, I hated it when something was bothering him. I just wanted to help him, I hated feeling that there was nothing I could do. It made me restless, and anxious.
Abruptly Yamato dropped his spoon altogether and shoved his chair back from the table. He got up and stalked down the hallway back to his room, slamming his bedroom door behind him.
I just blinked, staring at the empty spot where he'd been sitting a few seconds ago. "Um," I said.
Mr. Ishida sighed, getting up as well and grabbing both our bowls from the table. "I was hoping that he'd be doing better today, after he'd gotten some sleep."
"He was," I said, watching him dump Yamato's uneaten cereal into the trash. "Or, well, he got a little better last night," I amended, flushing ever so slightly. I was glad Mr. Ishida's back was to me at the moment, so he wouldn't see me and wonder. "But he had another nightmare right before I woke him up."
Mr. Ishida sighed again at that, and I got up from the table, my chair scraping against the floor. "I can try to talk him," I offered, shrugging a bit apologetically, though I wasn't expecting much. Yamato was pretty stubborn, and if he truly didn't feel like talking, no amount of pretty words and puppy dog eyes from me was going to change that.
"If you can actually get him to talk, that would be good," Mr. Ishida said, his voice sounding both resigned and defeated.
"He talked some last night," I said, trying for optimism, already heading down the hallway. "I'll see what I can do." I reached Yamato's closed door and halted, standing hesitantly in front of it for a moment. I didn't know whether to knock or just go in. If I knocked, Yamato probably wouldn't answer. But if I just went in, he would probably get mad at me.
Then I gave a mental shrug at myself for being dumb, and knocked. "Yamato?"
As predicted, there was no answer. I gave him another moment, then tried the door. Thankfully it was unlocked, and I went in. Yamato was spread out on his bed, lying face down. He had his arms shoved up under his pillow, practically smothering his face with it. He wasn't making any noise though, so if he was crying, it was silently.
I went over and sat down on the edge of the bed. Hesitantly I reached out and touched his shoulder. "Yamato?" I said again. "Talk to me. What's wrong?"
He didn't respond for a moment, then released his pillow, rolling over onto his side and looking up at me. His face was dry. No crying, then, which, I had to admit, left me a little relieved. Not that he didn't deserve to cry, I just never knew what to do about it. "I'm tired of the nightmares," he admitted lowly. "I'm scared they won't ever go away."
"Why... why won't you take something to help you sleep?" I asked him.
He averted his eyes at that, studying the wall behind me instead, as if it was truly fascinating. "I'm too scared to."
"Scared? Why?" I was confused, not sure what could be so scary about sleeping pills. They were a good thing, weren't they, if they could help him sleep? What was there to be afraid of?
"I... what if I still have a nightmare after I've taken one? I'll be stuck under the influence of the pill then, unable to wake myself up, endlessly trapped watching Ken hurt me or my friends. I don't think I could handle that," he said quietly, curling in upon himself a bit.
I just swallowed, not having a good response to that.
"I wish I'd never met Ken sometimes," he said then. "Late at night, when I'm lying in bed afraid to fall asleep, I think about how nice it would have been had Ken never existed."
"You really wish that?" I asked him softly. "What about all the good times, when you were still friends? You'd give that up?"
"Yes!" he cried. "I do! I wish it with all my heart! I hate Ken, I hate him and I hate what he did to me and trying to think about what he used to be like before only makes it worse! I'd give it up in a heartbeat!" He sat up then, looking at me with wild eyes. "I just want to escape! I want to escape everything, I feel so trapped, all the time, I can't stand it! I want him out of my mind, out of my memories, out of my life!"
Overwhelmed, I grabbed for Yamato's good hand and clung to it tightly, hardly able to believe what he was yelling to me. This was what he'd been feeling, all this time?
"I can't though," he continued, quieter, clutching my hand in return. "I can't make him go away, no matter how hard I try. He's always there, always waiting for me in my dreams, always waiting to torment me, and I can't escape it. I dread going to bed every night. I force myself to stay awake as long as possible, just so it'll be longer before the nightmares come. Sometimes I get lucky, sometimes I'm so exhausted that I crash, hard, and I'm too deep in sleep for the nightmares to come. But that only works every so often."
"I'm sorry," I said helplessly. "I had no idea..." I felt so guilty. Not just because I couldn't do anything to help him, but because I'd never noticed just how bad he'd been feeling. If I'd just taken the time to really ask, to push harder when I first started noticing that he was off... Instead I'd just accepted his excuse of 'stress over the band' and left it alone. What kind of friend was I?
"Yamato?" Mr. Ishida's voice came through the closed door.
Yamato quickly dropped my hand, calling for his dad to come in. Mr. Ishida opened the door and stood in the doorway, looking at us. "Nyusumi's here to visit you," he said. "He's in the living room. Do you want me to send him away?"
Yamato looked at me, questioningly. I shrugged. "He called last night. I told him he could probably come over, but to call and make sure first. I guess he forgot to call." Or didn't want to because he didn't want to chance being turned away.
"Oh. I guess it's alright, Dad. Send him back."
Mr. Ishida nodded and disappeared, and a few moments later Ny was standing in the doorway, looking at us sheepishly. "I know I should have called," he said. "But I was worried. Taichi wouldn't tell me what was going on."
"It's fine." Yamato waved him in, pointing at the desk chair, and Ny sat. They both glanced over at me. I held up my hands in defense. "Hey, I said he had a bad evening. That wasn't a lie!"
Yamato sighed, and focused on Ny, his eyes serious. "I had a panic attack," he said. I kept quiet, leaving it up to him to decide how much to tell.
"A panic attack?" Ny asked, frowning. He began to twirl his finger around random strands of his hair, which was loose for once. It was also no longer a solid light purple; instead, there were light blue streaks scattered throughout now. Not that this was uncommon, Ny dyed his hair as often as other people changed their underwear.
"Yes, a panic attack. It was only my second one, so don't go freaking out on me. I'm good now."
"Why'd you have one?"
"I just did." Yamato turned his head away. "Can we talk about something else?"
Ny shrugged, recognising Yamato didn't want to discuss it. "Sure. Like what?"
"Well..." Yamato glanced over at me anxiously, looking uncertain. I didn't know what that look was for, so I just shrugged. He took a breath, and then plunged on. "Taichi and I are officially together now."
I winced. I could have used more warning than just an uncertain look, Yamato... I gave my own anxious glance to Nyusumi, wanting to see how he would take it.
Better than I would have expected, but still not great. Ny was grinning at us, exclaiming, "That's great!" but it was easy to look past that and see the pain in his eyes. Still, he did seem genuinely glad for Yamato, which I supposed was a testament to just how much he cared. I didn't think I could have been as nice if it had been Yamato telling me that he was dating Ny. The jealousy and self-pity would have eaten me alive.
"Thanks," Yamato said softly.
"So, wanna hear about Kenji's latest crazy stunt?" Ny asked, clearly wanting to change the subject again.
"Sure."
"Well, we were in third period, and Kenji had these boxes of party snappers..."
* * *
Some time later, Yamato and I were alone in the apartment. Ny had left and his dad had gone out to get some apparently desperately needed groceries. The two of us were sitting on the couch, ignoring the low droning of the now forgotten TV as we cemented our new relationship with a bit of light making out, taking our time to learn each other and enjoy the newness of it all.
I'd been a little worried that Yamato wouldn't want to kiss me, afraid it would trigger memories of Ken or something, but he seemed just as eager for it as I was, and I wasn't going to question it, not wanting to lose this chance. Still, I was very careful about anything else I did, making sure I kept my hands more or less to myself. I really did not want to set off a panic attack because I accidentally touched him exactly the way Ken did.
Just as we broke off from a rather long, intense kiss, the phone rang. The both of us groaned.
"Just let your answering machine get it," I whispered, darting in for another long kiss.
He did just that, and after a few rings, the machine clicked on, starting Yamato's message.
"Hello, you've reached the Ishida residence. This is Ishida Yamato yelling to you from somewhere under a mountain of clothes and mouldy dishes, currently unable to answer the phone. If you're looking for the elder Ishida of the house, he has moved into his office at work. If you're Ny or another band member, practice is officially cancelled as of now. If this is Jun, go find some other soul to torment. Otherwise, leave me a message at the beep."
I pulled back, laughing lightly. I'd dared him to record that message one night while staying round. That had been months ago. "You never changed it?"
He shrugged. "It was funny."
My mother's voice spoke up then. "Nice message," she said, a bit dryly, then continued on. "Taichi? Are you there?"
I sighed, pulling away from Yamato completely to lean over and grab the phone. "I'm here, Mom," I said. "What's up?"
"Just wondering if you've permanently moved into Yamato's apartment, or if you were planning on coming home anytime soon."
"Sorry," I said sheepishly. I glanced at the clock, it was only around five, which I really didn't think was that late, but then again, I had been here since around seven last night. "I can come home soon."
"I'd appreciate it," she said. "Your father and I are going out soon, and I'd like to see you a bit before we leave."
I stifled my first instinct to whine. As if she and Dad didn't see me all the time... I really just wanted to hang out with Yamato, maybe make out some more... "Alright," I said reluctantly. "Be home shortly."
After we said our goodbyes and hung up, I turned back to Yamato and gave him a pitiful look. He gave me one of his own. "Do you really have to leave?" he asked.
"Sorry..." I said. "I don't want to, but Mom's insisting."
"Um..." He looked at me hesitantly. "Could you maybe stay until my dad gets back?" he asked. "He should be home soon."
I gave him a quizzical look. "Sure, I guess so. Why?"
He shrugged, looking away. "No reason," he said. He reached out across the couch, grabbing my arm and pulling me back towards him. "I just want a little bit longer to kiss you."
I knew it was a distraction. There was something else there, something he wasn't telling me. But for the moment, I was content to let it go. He'd bring it up when he was ready.
I brought my face towards his, not quite touching him, murmuring against his lips. "Sounds good to me."
* * *
"What was wrong with Yamato?" Mom asked me later, shortly after I'd gotten home. I looked up from the leftovers I had heated and turned into a sandwich, mouth full of tonkatsu. Quickly I chewed and swallowed, then said, "Nothing much. It was just a panic attack, which Mr. Ishida didn't realise. They're kinda scary to watch if you don't know."
"That poor boy," she said, just as Dad walked into the room. "What a horrible thing for him to deal with."
"Who?" Dad asked.
I finished another bite, shaking my head. "Just talking about Yamato, Dad," I told him. "It's nothing."
"Ah." He turned towards my mother, who had just finished washing the last of the dishes. "You ready to go, hon?"
Mom smiled at him. "Just about. I need to dry these last few bowls, then get changed and grab my purse, and we can go."
"Alright," he said agreeably, then faced me. ""Now Taichi," he said mock sternly, "Your sister is here, so you can forget about the parties you were going to throw while we were gone, and don't even think about calling those girls whose numbers you've hidden under your mattress."
He laughed then, fully expecting me to laugh with him as we both knew he was just teasing, but all I did was wince. If he knew the truth, would he still be so cheerful? I really had no idea how my parents would take it.
I got up from the table, empty plate in hand, and caught Mom giving me a speculative, curious look. Much the way she had last night as I'd raced out of the apartment. It definitely unnerved me.
Did she suspect the truth?
I set my plate in the sink absently, watching my parents head back towards their bedroom. Mom glanced back at me yet again, a pondering look still in her eyes. Really though, how could she figure it out? I didn't think I'd really done anything that screamed "I'm gay and have a huge crush on my best friend!" Had I?
Of course, I hadn’t thought the band had known either, and yet, they’d been betting on me...
I sighed to myself, resolving not to worry about it. I couldn't predict their reactions to learning the truth, and I wasn't ready to tell them yet, so there was no sense in borrowing trouble. I waved goodbye to them a few minutes later when they left, still sitting in the kitchen, although I wasn't doing anything. As soon as the front door shut, Hikari glided into the room, grinning at me.
"You hide girls' numbers under your mattress?"
I rolled my eyes. Of course she had to hear Dad. "Oh please, you know better than that," I told her.
She sighed, though she was still smiling at me. "I know. You'd rather spend the rest of your life waiting for Yamato..."
It was my turn to grin at her. "Nope," I said nonchalantly.
"No?" She put a hand over her heart in mock shock. "Don't tell me you've given up on him?"
I shook my head. "Even better."
"Better?" she asked, then looked at me again and let out a shriek. I jumped, startled. My sister never shrieked. "Taichi!" she cried. "You're going out with him now?"
I grinned even wider at her. "Yep. He said last night that he was willing to give it a try."
Hikari clapped her hands together, clearly excited. "That's great! I'm glad for you guys, you both deserve a bit of happiness."
Well, Yamato certainly deserved some measure of happiness, at least. I was already pretty happy myself. "Thanks, Hikari," I said quietly.
* * *
I was eating breakfast before school the next morning when the phone rang. "I'll get it," I said, even though I was the only one in the room. Force of habit, I suppose. I jumped up, heading into the living room and answering it. "Yagami residence."
"Taichi?" It was Yamato.
"Yeah, it's me. What's wrong?" I asked him, slightly concerned. He sounded groggy, and his words were slurring, though it was barely noticeable.
"Won't be in school today..." he said.
"Why not? What's wrong?" I repeated.
"Um... fell out of bed earlier. Hit my head, got a concussion."
"What!" I exclaimed, shocked. How did someone fall out of bed and wind up with a concussion? "Are you alright?"
"'m'fine. Come round after school, I'll explain," he told me.
"Okay," I said. Hopefully he'd be less out of it by then too, so his explanation would actually make sense. "Well I need to finish getting ready for school. I'll see you later, okay?"
"'kay," he said, and hung up.
I blinked, staring at the dead receiver in my hand for a moment, and then hung up too.
A concussion?
Suddenly the day seemed like it would be incredibly long.
* * *
I was right. The day was very long. It seemed to stretch on forever, each new minute looming in front of me, taunting me, threatening to last an hour. I couldn't concentrate on any of my classes. All I wanted was for school to be over so I could go to Yamato's and make sure for myself that he really was okay.
The only amusing blip in the morning was watching Kenji get hauled up in front of the class in third period, where Mitsuo Sensei chewed him out for five minutes and then gave him a bunch of extra work as punishment for his little stunt yesterday. That lady sure had a voice on her... Of course, she also didn't care for Kenji much, or any of the other band members, including Yamato. It was a wonder she didn't hate me too, since it was common knowledge I was best friends with Yamato and often got on with the band pretty well.
The band also cornered me at the end of lunch, wanting to know where Yamato was. I shrugged, and, before I could think better of it, blurted out the truth. "He said something about a concussion this morning."
"What?" Ny said, staring at me. "Explain that."
I sighed and cursed myself. I should have expected that, and known better. I started to say that I didn't have an explanation for it, but just then the bell rang signalling the end of lunch. "I can’t right now. Look, we'll talk later," I said instead, and started to take off, hoping for a quick escape.
"No way," Ny said grimly, grabbing my arm and dragging me in the opposite direction. "We're skipping and going to the old gym, where you're going to explain."
"Ack!" I cried. "Ny, stop! Seriously, I don't know, okay?"
Ny didn't stop though, and I finally just yanked my arm away from him, causing me to stumble and nearly fall, my balance a bit off-kilter.
"Fine," I grumbled, using Ratsuii to steady myself. "We can skip. I don't really feel like going to class anyways. But I'm telling you, I really don't know anything."
We headed outside to the side of the school, keeping an eye out for any teachers. Luckily we didn't run into any and managed to make it safely in. Ny headed for his usual spot under the bleachers, the rest of us following us suit.
"Alright, spill," Ny commanded once we were all settled.
I groaned, leaning back against the wall, wishing I could just bash my head against it. "I wasn't kidding, Ny, I really don't know anything," I told him.
"You must know something," Ny insisted. "How else would you even know he had a concussion?"
"Maybe because he called me this morning?" I snapped, starting to get fed up. "You know, they have these great inventions now called telephones, maybe you've heard of them?" I asked sarcastically, and heard Kenji snort back a laugh.
"Well excuse me for caring about my friend!" Ny shot back, huffing at me, irritated himself now.
I sighed, feeling chastised. "Look. He called me before school this morning, and told me he wouldn't be here and that he had a concussion. He said something about falling out of bed, and told me that if I came round after school he'd explain it then. Honestly, that is all I know, okay?"
"Fine," Ny said, scowling, looking unhappy.
The four of us sat in awkward silence for a moment.
"Can you believe all that work Mitsuo Sensei gave me?" Kenji suddenly said, perhaps trying to lighten the tension.
Ratsuii gave him an incredulous look. "Well, you are the one who threw about four packs of party snappers at her all at once."
"It was a joke!" he protested. "They're harmless! I just wanted to see if she'd jump. Come on, it was funny, she didn't have to give me all that work. Or yell at me yesterday to get out," he added, pouting.
Ny, Ratz, and I all rolled our eyes at that. "If you want to play the prank, you've got to be willing to accept the punishment too," Ratsuii said, ever the logical one.
"I still didn't deserve that much extra work," Kenji muttered.
"I'm just glad-"
"You four!" a deep voice yelled sternly, startling us. "What are you doing in here?"
Our eyes widened as we looked at each other and then towards the voice. A man was walking towards us, carefully picking his way through the supports holding up the bleachers. "It's the principal," Ny hissed.
"Crap, if he catches us, we'll get suspended and my mom will kill me!" I hissed back.
"Yeah, mine too," Ratsuii said, looking worried.
"Come on, let's get out of here!" Kenji cried, jumping up. He started wriggling his body through the gaps between each level of bleachers, crawling on top of them and then standing and bolting down them until he was back at the floor, where he then started running for the door.
"Hey! Hey you, get back here!" The principal shouted after him.
The three of us that were left looked at each for a moment, and then nodded and quickly followed Kenji's example.
"Don't you three even think about it! Asashi! I recognise that hair, I know it's you! It's useless to run!"
* * *
Somehow we wound up at Nyusumi's house.
Despite knowing Ny since I was twelve, I hadn't actually been to his house before. I was surprised to find he lived in actual house, not an apartment like most of us.
What surprised me even more, though, was the way Ny behaved at his house. Not that it was very noticeable, but he seemed to become a different person at his house. At school he was more open and carefree, but at his house he almost acted stiff and formal... it was a bit strange.
"Man, that was crazy!" Kenji gloated as we stood in the entrance to Ny's house, removing our shoes. "That was more than crazy, that was awesome! I don't think I've ever ran from the principal before!"
Ny shrugged, seemingly indifferent to what we had just done. "I guess."
I raised an eyebrow at him, tugging off a sock. "Ny, he called you by name. Aren't you worried he'll call your parents? I know I am."
"I think it'll be fine, really," Ratsuii said, though he looked a bit worried himself. "After all, he didn't actually catch us, he doesn't have proof it was us."
"You guys want anything to eat? Drink?" Ny asked us once he finally let us in. The others shook their heads, but I didn't reply, too busy marvelling at Ny's house.
Nyusumi was rich.
His house was full of very expensive looking ceramics, antiques, and paintings arranged artfully all over the place. More than that, the house was big, and had a very traditional look to it, not really something you expected to see in the middle of Odaiba. Where had the money come from?
Ny saw me looking around at everything with awe, and adopted an embarrassed face, tugging uncomfortably at his hair. "My mom's sister died," he said, as if this explained things.
I just nodded and pretended this made sense to me. But when Ny turned and started heading towards his room, Kenji leaned over and whispered to me that his aunt had died seventeen years ago, and in fact the money came from the fact that Ny's father was the administrator for one of Tokyo's bigger hospitals, and his mother was a prestigious defense attorney for a large law firm.
I blinked at him, thoroughly surprised. In all the years I'd known him, I'd never once learned that. In fact, it was dawning on me that Ny had never really mentioned anything about his parents to me. "Why hasn't Ny ever said anything?" I whispered back.
"Well, Ny doesn't like hospitals, so he's not exactly thrilled with his dad's job. And he also gets very embarrassed at all the money, so he doesn't go around telling people about it."
"That's... strange," I said quietly, as we reached Ny's room, feeling like there had to be more to it than that.
Kenji just shrugged, and we dropped the subject. Ny let us in his room, with a warning to me to not disturb anything. He immediately headed for his bed, while Kenji and Ratz made a beeline for some beanbags that were situated in a corner. After a hesitant moment, I decided to sit in his desk chair, hoping that it wouldn't be considered "disturbing anything" of his. Though 'anything' seemed to consist mostly of various keyboards set up around the room, along with a set of drums that were probably Kenji's. I guessed the band did most of their real practice at Ny's house.
"So, I think we should go visit Yamato," Ny said.
"What? No," I said, my tone of voice implying that he was clearly crazy. "He had a concussion, I doubt the last thing he'll want right now is a bunch of visitors." Not to mention I really wasn't sure of his state of mind. He'd seemed better yesterday when I left, but he'd also said this morning that he'd fell out of his bed. The only way I could imagine that happening was if he'd been caught up in a nightmare or flashback and wasn't aware of his surroundings.
"Fine. Just take me then," Ny insisted.
"I don't know... He may not be up to anyone at all right now."
"Oh come on. He told you to visit him, right? I'm sure he's fine. He could probably handle all of us, really, at least for a few minutes."
Ny sure was persistent.
"You and I both know it wouldn't be a few minutes," I argued. "You guys will get there and not want to leave, and Yamato will be too polite to kick you out even if he really wants you to go."
Ny rolled his eyes. "Okay. Then you and I can go, and after a few minutes, you can kick me out."
"What makes you think I have that power?"
"You answered his phone, you can kick me out. I wouldn't be surprised if you practically live there now."
"I do not," I said hotly, though I was blushing. I groaned, knowing he wasn't going to let it go until I gave in. "Fine, you can come with me, but only you." I looked at Kenji and Ratsuii. "You guys will have to go on your own later, if he okays it. Or just wait til school tomorrow, if he's there."
Kenji pouted, and even Ratsuii looked a bit put out. "That's not fair," Kenji grumbled at me.
"Sorry," I said, not meaning it at all.
"See now, don't you feel bad for mocking my crush on Yamato? If you were the one with the crush, then it'd be you Taichi was taking instead of me."
"Taichi knows about that?" Ratsuii asked at the same time as I asked, "They know about that?"
Ny glanced around at all of us. "Yes," he just said simply, blinking a bit in confusion.
"You told Taichi?"
"I told Taichi before your big mouth revealed it to our band, genius."
"Wait, so does Yamato know?" I asked.
"Unfortunately," Ny said, glaring at Kenji.
"My bad," Kenji said, looking a bit sheepish. "I did say I was sorry."
"Yeah, eventually."
A knock on Ny's door interrupted their bickering, leaving Ratsuii and I relieved. "Ny?" a girl's voice said through the closed door.
Ny sighed. "It's open, Emi."
The door opened then, revealing a girl who looked a lot like Nyusumi, though of course she was dressed in Odaiba High's female uniform instead. But she had the same violet eyes, same facial structure, same slender frame, seemingly same height... Even her hair was almost the same, the only difference being that hers was a solid blue instead of streaked two colours. But the shade of blue matched Ny's streaks.
I blinked, looking back and forth between them. I hadn't even known Nyusumi had a sister, much less a twin. Of course, I didn't know him as well as Yamato, but still... it seemed like a twin sister would be pretty basic knowledge to know. Did Ny hide that information too, and if so, why?
"What is it, Emiko?" Ny asked her. She was just standing in the doorway, staring around at all of us, looking slightly uncomfortable.
She focused her attention on her brother then, effectively shutting the rest of us out as if we didn't even exist. It was fascinating to watch, if a little unsettling. "The principal pulled me out of sixth period to rant at me about you. He wanted me to pass along the message that you got lucky this time, because he didn't actually catch you in the act, but the next time you skip class or try to run from him, he said he will punish you. Just thought I'd warn you."
"Alright, thanks Emi," Ny said, as I let out a relieved noise.
Emi shrugged and started to leave.
"Wait, how come you're home already?" Ny asked, stopping her in her tracks. "School's not over yet."
"The principal annoyed me, so I left." Then she was gone.
We all stared after her. Personally, I thought she was a little strange.
"Ny, did I ever mention how hot your sister is?" Kenji asked in a teasing tone.
"Only about a million times, Kenji," Ny told him, rolling his eyes, shoving playfully at him. "And it doesn't get any less gross each time."
Kenji grinned, not looking bothered in the slightest, while I tried to figure out what could be 'gross' about it. "You think she'd ever go out with me?"
"Not in a million years."
I laughed.
* * *
"Oh, Taichi. I didn't expect you quite yet. You're a bit early, did school let out already?" Mr. Ishida asked, giving me a knowing look.
I gave him a sheepish grin, scratching at my head. "Something like that."
"Well, you boys just go on back, he's in his room," he said, waving us away.
"Thanks, Mr. Ishida," Ny said, and we headed back.
We got there and found Yamato standing shirtless at his dresser, digging through drawers. He apparently heard us coming, and turned part-way to face us, his right side visible. It was then that I caught sight of his wrists. The cast and bandages were gone, and even from across the room it was impossible to miss the fact that they were heavily scabbed over, the marks making it clearly obvious what he'd intended.
Next to me, I heard Ny let out a shocked gasp. Yamato seemed to realise then what the problem was, and quickly shoved both his hands behind his back, trying to hide them. I gave him an apologetic look, feeling awful. I was pretty sure that I was the only person he'd intended to tell about that, and now I'd messed it up by bringing Ny to visit him without warning him first.
"Yamato, what..." Ny choked out in a strangled sounding voice.
Yamato didn't reply, just bit his lip and turned back towards his dresser, quickly grabbing out a long sleeved shirt and throwing it over his head. He grasped the edges of the sleeves with his fingers, pulling them down as far as they would go, making sure his wrists were covered. Then he just stood there limply, staring down at the ground.
No one spoke for a minute. I stupidly kept waiting for one of them to say something, which I suppose was ridiculous. Yamato was too ashamed and Ny was too shocked. As long as I was there they were just going to ignore it, hoping that I'd say something.
"Right," I finally said, not about to deal with it myself, but not willing to let them shove it aside either. "I think you two need to talk a bit. I'll be out in the living room."
Then I backed out and left them there, and hoped they'd have the sense enough to work it out.
Or else I'd just have to slap the sense into them.
chapter three end. (14 july 2011 0745PM)
soundtrack for chapter three:
blink-182 - anthem pt 2, blink-182 - roller coaster, blink-182 - reckless abandon, blink-182 - stay together for the kids, blink-182 - the rock show, blink-182 - anthem, blink-182 - adam's song, blink-182 - all the small things, blink-182 - dysentary gary, blink-182 - online songs, goo goo dolls - iris, goo goo dolls - broadway, goo goo dolls - black balloon, john rzeznik - I'm still here, the who - baba o' riley, traditional jewish melodies - hava nagila, fluke - atom bomb, gomez - get miles, jeff buckley - hallelujah, gorillaz - feel good inc, gomez - see the world, michael penn - walter reed, third eye blind - semi-charmed life, saliva - always, masterplan - spirit never die, marilyn manson - sweet dreams
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