Waiting (rewrite), Book 2, Chapter 13
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 5322 (102176) words, published 04-11-15
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter thirteen, all bottled up
Book Two
let's make this fleeting moment last forever
so tell me what you're waiting for?
I'm gonna keep it frozen here forever
there's no regretting anymore
I've been waiting right here all my life
feelings you can't deny that you're living, open up your eyes
and I just wanna sink into your crazy laughter
come on make me feel until the pain don't matter
every second here makes my heart beat faster
- Krewella, alive.
“So, a dominant golden lab with dominant normal vision would be big g, big g, big n, big n... or is it big g, little g, big n, little n?”
“You’re talking out loud again.”
I looked up, making a face at my sister. “Sorry. It helps me think. This stuff is confusing.”
“Punnet squares are easy. You just pair stuff up.”
I made another face at her and held out my pencil to her. “Well, why don’t you do it then, since you just had to be so smart and take biology a year early.”
Hikari shut the oven door and came over, grabbing my pencil. I slid my notebook in front of her, and after a moment’s study, she quickly filled out all the squares and slid it back over in front of me. “See? Easy!” she said, smiling at me.
I groaned and stuck my tongue out at her as she went to sit on a nearby stool. Well, at least now the other ones would be easier to figure out... hopefully.
I worked in silence for another moment before looking back up at her. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Did you ever fix things with Miyako?”
“As much as possible,” she answered, sighing. “We talked Friday. She said she was more upset by everything that happened with Yamato that night to really react to your outing me right away, and she just needed some time to sort everything out.”
“So...?”
“So she said she was flattered but not into girls, but she valued our friendship and didn’t want to lose it. So we’re still friends, except it’ll be awkward now until I move past this crush.” She smiled ruefully. “It’s a better outcome than I was expecting.”
“Well, I’m glad I didn’t muck everything up for you guys then. I really was sorry about that.”
“I know.” She frowned and glanced at the oven. “Why hasn’t the timer buzzed? Surely the cookies have been in there for ten minutes now.”
“Probably because you never set it,” I informed her, bending my head over my homework once more.
“What?” She looked at the timer and groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Because you were so eager to show up my punnet square abilities,” I said, grinning.
“Taichi!” She hopped off the stool and went to grab the tray out of the oven. “If they’re burned, you’re making me a new batch,” she grumbled.
“Only if I get to eat them.”
She rolled her eyes, but a knock at the door cut off any response she might have had. I hopped up from the table, eager to abandon the homework that was making my head hurt. "I'll get it! That's probably Mimi."
I caught the strange look my sister gave me out of the corner of my eye as I began to head towards the front door. "Since when do you hang out one on one with Mimi?" she asked.
"I dunno. Does it matter? She's my friend." Hikari said nothing in response to that, and I pulled open the door to see Mimi standing there, twirling a finger in her brown hair impatiently. "Hi, Mimi."
"Taichi, hi!" she cried, smiling. "Ready to go?"
"Sure," I replied easily, smiling back. I called back to my sister, "Be back later!" and then stepped out, shutting the door behind me. "So where are we going?"
"Let's go to Palette Town, it'll be fun! We can wander around and look at everything and maybe the ride ferris wheel."
"It's a date," I teased as I began walking in the direction we'd need. Mimi fell into step beside me, grinning, and we walked in companionable silence for some time.
"How's things with Sora?" I eventually asked. "Any better? You guys talk at lunch often enough..."
A sad expression stole across her face briefly, before she forced it away with a cheerful laugh. There was nothing genuine in that laugh, and it hurt me to hear it. "Lunch is the most time we get to spend together these days."
"Aw, Mimi, I'm sorry." I really was. I hated that their friendship was suffering. If something like that had happened to Yamato and me, I'd probably fall apart. I didn't want to picture a life without him always right by my side. And though Mimi and Sora weren't dating the way Yamato and I were, I knew that they were still really close. Or had been, once upon a time. Their drifting apart had to be hurting Mimi so much.
"It's fine, really. I know she isn't doing it on purpose. She's just caught up in some stuff of her own, and guys are an easy distraction." She let out a sudden cry of glee as the entrance to Palette Town came into view, and ran towards it excitedly, her dress swirling around her as she moved. "Hey, come on, slowpoke, let's go to the mall!"
I groaned, visions of being dragged from shop to shop as my arms continuously became weighed down with bags filled my head, easily remembering my last trip to the mall with Mimi. Still, I went after her, because if this was what she needed, then I could give it to her for a day. I just wanted to see all of my friends happy. There'd been too much pain over the last few months.
We wandered around the mall, but surprisingly didn't buy much-Mimi seemed content to window shop this time, and I certainly wasn't going to do anything to change that. When we got hungry a few hours later, we grabbed lunch at a nearby cafe. The food was really good, and I made a mental note to come here with Yamato on a date sometime, when he was in a better frame of mind to handle going on dates.
"How is Yamato doing lately?"
I blinked, torn out of my thoughts, and had a moment's suspicious paranoia that Mimi could read my mind. "He's fine," I told her dismissively. "You see him at lunch, you know."
She rolls her eyes. "He doesn't always show up though, and when he does he gives his best at pretending everything is fine. I'm asking genuinely, Taichi, how Yamato is doing lately. He's my friend too, you know. I worry about him."
I hesitated. I didn't really want to tell her all of Yamato's business, knowing how private he liked to be. But I also knew how fierce and determined Mimi could be, and she wasn't going to accept a rote answer. "He's... it's been tough," I finally answered carefully, for once thinking about my words before I spoke them. "I don't want to go around sharing his private life, he'd never forgive me. But he's still struggling to cope with everything." I looked down at my plate, no longer in the mood for the rest of my meal. "I try my best to always be there for him, doing what little I can to support him and stay strong for him, but it's really hard sometimes..."
"What makes it hard for you?" Mimi asked me softly as she looked me directly in the face. Her brown eyes reflected nothing but soft concern in them, and I felt a lump in my throat at the sight. I was feeling suddenly emotional, which was embarrassing. It was just that no one had ever before really asked how I was doing with everything that had happened to Yamato.
"Sometimes I feel like I never have a moment to process it all, you know? To process everything that's happened, and deal with the fact that something terrible happened to my best friend, for months, and I never had one single clue. I'm almost always with Yamato, and when I'm not I'm busy trying to keep the rest of my life going. And I feel like I don't have the right to talk about how it's affected me," I admitted, cheeks reddening in shame. "Yamato's the one who actually had to live through it all, what right do I have to whine about how hard the last couple of months have been? I didn't experience it, I didn't have to survive through all that abuse, and I don't want to take away from that by selfishly making it all about me. So I stay quiet, and do whatever Yamato needs from me." I exhaled as I slumped down in my chair, feeling oddly relieved for finally having said out loud something I could barely even admit to myself in my own head. It had been easier to bottle it up and push it away, always feeling like I didn't have time to think about it. I propped my elbows up on the table, letting my head drop into my hands as I hoped Mimi didn't hate me or think me selfish for what I'd just said.
"Taichi... you're being ridiculous."
I snapped my head up fast, a humiliated and hurt flush creeping slowly over my face as I stared at her in disbelief. "What?"
She smiled at me, reaching across the table and grasping my hand gently. I let her. I was still too shocked by her statement to pull away. "Taichi... of course you have the right to be affected by what happened to Yamato. You do have the right to talk about it, and it's okay if you find it hard to deal with everything sometimes. I would be worried if you didn't! It was a really horrible thing to have happened. I think it's admirable you're devoting so much of yourself to take care Yamato, but you need to take care of yourself too, you know? It's okay to put yourself first once in awhile. Now maybe you can't talk about it with Yamato, I'm guessing he's probably not in a place emotionally to handle it, but I'm always here to talk to! You know I love to talk," she said, grinning brightly at me, "but I've learned how to listen now, too. And if you don't always want to come to me, I'm sure our other friends would be more than happy to lend an ear. We all care about both of you a great deal, and we want to help the both of you get through this in whatever ways we can."
"Mimi-" I was greatly touched by her words, and embarrassingly close to tears. I hadn't realised how much I'd needed to hear something like that. "That means a lot. Thank you," I eventually choked out.
"Any time!" she said cheerily. "Now, how about that ferris wheel ride?"
I laughed, already feeling better, her enthusiasm infectious. "Let's go."
* * *
The next morning I walked to school with Yamato. Neither of us were eager to walk alone in case it encouraged Kento to attack. Just because I had the crest of courage didn’t mean I had to be stupid. At least not any more than I had already acted. Luckily, we managed to make it safely to homeroom, though we were both feeling edgy. Every time we turned a corner, I kept expecting to suddenly spot Kento’s gang again...
I hated having to separate from Yamato for second period, but since it was only study hall, I didn’t have to worry about paying attention to a teacher. I mostly just pretended to do some more biology homework, while wondering if Sento had actually came back to school today.
I really wasn’t sure what to think about everything. Kenji kept insisting Kento wanted revenge, but I didn’t know if Sento wanted his own separate revenge or if they’d be satisfied acting together, or if they’d be more likely to go after me because I put Sento in the hospital, or go after Yamato again because they knew that would hurt me even more than attacking me... I hated trying to think about it.
I wished more than anything I could go back in time and make it so I’d left Yamato’s apartment later, or earlier, to a point where I had never come across them and never lost control so completely. I desperately wanted it to not have happened, to not have inadvertently caused my boyfriend even more stress and hurt. It was giving me more and more insight into how he must have often felt though, wishing he could go back to the ‘before,’ to before Ken had decided to abuse him.
Third period managed to alleviate both of our worries somewhat, as Kenji informed us first thing that Sento hadn’t come to school today. Unfortunately Kento had come, and he was still a pretty big threat too, so we weren’t completely safe. And sure enough, when we were walking in the halls after fourth period, Kento was passing in the opposite direction and easily spotted us. He deliberately angled his way over to us to shove into us as he went by, giving us a nasty sneer as he did.
Taking one look at Yamato’s imminent panic attack, I figured it wouldn’t be too much of a loss if we skipped the next class.
* * *
“Hey, wanna go over to my apartment instead today?” I asked Yamato as we were packing up after our last class. “Hikari had plans to hang out with Daisuke and Takeru today, my dad’s at work, and mom should be at her cooking club, so we’d have the place to ourselves.”
“They let your mom into a cooking club?” Yamato asked incredulously. “I’m assuming it’s for skills other than her cooking...”
“Haha, funny. Seriously, you want to?”
Yamato hesitated a moment, clearly uncertain.
“I promise Miyako won’t be there this time. Please?” I begged.
“Alright,” he replied slowly. “If we’re alone, it won’t be so bad.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll distract you,” I promised, grinning and waggling my fingers at him. The rest of our classmates had all cleared out of the room by this point, so I felt safe in making such a joke.
“Taichi!” he hissed, going red as he glanced at Tadaji Sensei. The man was seemingly absorbed in the papers on his desk, but I knew he was listening to us, as usual. He’d taken on a rather protective, if subtle, attitude towards Yamato ever since he’d realised how Kawada had been treating him.
“What?” I asked innocently, slinging my bookbag over my shoulder and heading towards the door. “You were the one that kissed me in front of him before, it’s not like he doesn’t know.”
“Taichi,” he groaned, covering his face in his hands. “Can we please just hurry up and go?”
I opened the door to the classroom, holding it for him. “Of course.”
“Have fun!” Tadaji Sensei called after us as we left. Yamato groaned again, and I just laughed.
When we eventually got to my apartment, it was empty as I’d predicted. We made a beeline for my room, dropping our bags on the floor as we entered. Standing in front of the bed, we paused and looked at it, then each other. “I suppose I might have thought this part through better,” I admitted.
“Eh, we’ll just have to mind our heads. Or there’s always the top bunk.”
Rather than answer, I leaned over and gave him a gentle kiss where we stood. He responded eagerly, and we spent some time just enjoying each other. I made sure to keep my kisses slow and light at first, wanting to keep him at ease and reassure him that he was safe and I didn’t intend to hurt him. Eventually we did drop down to the bed, taking care not to knock our heads on the frame of the top bunk. I’d deepened my kisses by this point, practically devouring his mouth with my desire. He was repeatedly letting out little moans, so I was pretty confident he was enjoying it.
Slowly, so that he could see what I was doing, I moved a hand down to the edge of his shirt, pausing to wait for his nod before I slid my hand under it and slowly back up his chest. I could feel him tense up, as he had every time we went this far, but he didn’t stop me, and I kept my fingers gentle as I trailed up to a nipple, lightly grazing it.
He let out a little sigh of pleasure. “Taichi...”
“Is this okay?” I murmured, just wanting to be sure. I never wanted to hurt him, or make him feel pressured or forced into anything... I saw red every time I thought about the sort of things he’d told me Ken had done to him.
“Yes,” he gasped out, as I brushed over it again. “Please don’t stop.”
I kissed him again, hard, and circled a finger around his nipple, teasing. He groaned into my mouth, and I wondered if he was as hard as I was. I’d definitely be spending some alone time with myself later after he went home...
I took some time teasing him, getting him all worked up, and enjoying it when he worked up a bit of courage to touch me as well, but after awhile I couldn’t help but get frustrated with the restrictions of his shirt. I wanted to see him, to touch him more freely, to maybe use my mouth a bit if he’d let me.
I stopped and pulled my hands out, causing him to pull away. I frowned. “Hey, come back here, I wasn’t done with you.” He immediately flinched, and I wanted to hit myself for being so careless. I had made myself sound no better than Ken ever had with that sentence. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, Yamato.”
He swallowed heavily. “I know. Sorry. It just... reminded me.”
“Don’t apologise. I should have known better than to say it that way.” I tugged him back down to me, leaning up for another long kiss. “I want to take your shirt off,” I whispered in his ear once we broke apart.
He tensed all over at that, and pulled away again. “I’m not ready for all that.”
I scratched my head uncertainly, thinking he was misunderstanding me. “I won’t go any further than your shirt,” I tried to clarify. “I just wanted to be able to see you and move my hands a bit easier.”
“That’s not it.”
“What is it, then?” I asked, confused. He bit down on his lip, looking away, but not before I saw his eyes start to get watery. “Yamato?” I asked softly, worried.
“They’re all ugly, Taichi,” he said hoarsely, and he sounded so lost and heartbroken that I felt my own heart start to ache. I could hear the tremble in his voice, and see how just on the verge of tears he was. I hated so much to see him hurting.
It also took me a moment to think past his emotions and realise what he was actually talking about. “Your scars?” I asked, motioning to his wrists.
He shrugged, still not looking at me.
“I’ve seen them before,” I pointed out. “When Ny and I walked in on you that time, I saw them then.”
“Not like this though, not so up close and in your face. And you haven’t seen my other one at all. They’re so ugly, Taichi, I don’t want you to see them.”
I blinked, surprised. “What other one?”
A brief sob escaped him, though he quickly got himself back under control. “I told you before, that Ken stabbed me in the shoulder...” He shuddered. “You haven’t seen them, you don’t know, they look horrible. I hate them. I don’t want you to see how ugly I am and hate me too.”
“Yamato!” I was appalled he could even think something like that. “Yamato, no. Listen to me. You are not ugly, and I could never hate you, especially not for a reason like that. A few scars aren’t going to make you any uglier. How could they, when they represent how strong a person you are? They’re living proof of the hell you went through, the hell that you survived and came out the other side that much stronger.”
“You’re wrong, Taichi. I’m not strong.”
“You are though,” I said earnestly. “So much more than you realise. You went through something horrible, but even now you don’t let it beat you down. You had the strength to tell your dad about it. You found more strength to keep going to school, despite all the rumours and nasty things people said and did to you, and even when you would have rather hid yourself away in your room. Every time something happens to try and knock you down, you find the strength to pick yourself back up and keep going. Not many people could manage that, Yamato, but you’re one of the people that can, and that makes you strong.”
He didn’t respond, and though he was still turned away from me, I could tell by the slight tremble of his shoulders that he was crying.
“Hey, come here,” I said gently. I sat up, scooting closer to him, and wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug. “You don’t have to show me your scars if you want to, but don’t ever be ashamed of them. They’re a part of you now, and I would be honoured to be allowed to see them some day. I could never think less of you for them, okay?”
I felt him nod against me, and we sat there in silence. Eventually his trembling subsided as he calmed. He freed himself from my arms, finally turning back to face my direction, though he didn’t actually look at me. “I’ll show you,” he said, voice just above a whisper.
“You don’t have to if you’re not ready,” I told him.
He reached up nervously shaking arms to begin unbuttoning his shirt in lieu of a reply to me. I didn’t say anything more, and let him work at his own pace. When he had the last button undone, he sat still for a moment, and then took a deep breath and slid his arms out of the sleeves.
My eyes were drawn to his left shoulder first, but while the scar was definitely noticeable, there really wasn’t anything ‘ugly’ about it. Given how he was reacting, I had been expecting something huge and grotesque, but what Yamato actually had was a thin pink scar with darker edges that was maybe an inch or so long, and about half an inch wide.
His wrists, however, weren’t as lucky. While I wouldn’t by any stretch of imagination consider them ugly, they stood out more, and I could understand why he’d be upset over them. They covered the width of his wrists, and were raised and puffy looking, with some redness still to them, possibly from being recently healed. They looked thicker than the scar on his shoulder, and more haphazard and somewhat jagged. All in all, while they didn’t put me off in the slightest, I could see why he felt the need to wear long sleeves all the time.
I picked up his left wrist, and gently pressed a kiss against the scar there, then did the same thing to his right wrist, and leaned over to press one against the scar on his shoulder. “They’re not ugly.”
My words didn’t magically heal him, or convince him that he looked fine, but he gave me a small smile anyways. It was a start.
* * *
The next day at school found us both once more feeling helpless and frustrated as Kenji informed us in third period that Sento was skipping again.
“Do you know anything at all?” Yamato asked, sounding a bit desperate. “Overheard them making plans, or anything?”
Kenji shook his head. “Sorry, guys. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I’m as in the dark as you. To be honest, I don’t see them all that often. They rarely come home before midnight, if at all, and I only know when they’re not here because they’re absent in homeroom.”
“Dammit! I’m sick of this waiting!”
“Hey, calm down,” I soothed. “I know it sucks, but at least don’t make a scene in class about it.”
“Right. Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Alright, you five! Quiet down now,” Mitsuo Sensei called in our direction. “Everyone, please pass last night’s homework up to the front of your rows.”
“I’ll let you guys know as soon as I learn anything,” Kenji said lowly as we began grabbing homework from our bags.
“Thanks,” I murmured, handing my homework up to Yamato.
“Don’t make me separate you,” Mitsuo Sensei warned.
We quickly fell silent, and she began the day’s lesson.
* * *
“Nice shot, Kousuke!”
I sighed a bit longingly, watching my old teammates as they worked hard at practice. “I really miss soccer sometimes. I wish I hadn’t quit the team this year.”
“Well, you have been rather busy these last few months, so you would have wound up quitting regardless,” Koushiro pointed out, ever the practical one. Yamato had decided to practise with the band again today, and I didn’t want to go home to be bored and alone, so I’d invited Koushiro to hang out. It had been quite awhile since we’d been able to. The things Mimi had told me the other day about needing to take care of myself had also been bouncing around in my head, and I could concede she had a point. I needed time apart from him sometimes, time spent unwinding from dealing with everything going on and just relaxing with other people. I still felt a little guilty about it, but I knew if I broke down from all the stress then I wouldn't be able to help Yamato at all, and I doubted either of us wanted that.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to hang out with you the last couple of months,” I said, wondering if his comment was a subtle reference to it. “Even though it is true, it feels like such an excuse to say Yamato’s needed me a lot.”
“Of course, I understand that. My comment wasn’t meant as a slight to you, Taichi. Obviously I don’t know the details, but I know that going through sexual abuse is really traumatic and it takes a lot of time to recover from it.” He turned his attention from the soccer game below to give me a serious look. “I think I speak for all of the other Chosen when I say it’s great that Yamato has you for support, and none of us begrudge the time you’ve spent with him lately. He’s our friend too, and we all want him to get better. If you’re what he needs to do so, we can hardly fault you for that.”
“Thank you,” I said sincerely. “I just feel bad sometimes, because you’re a great friend and I miss hanging out with you.”
“We still have the rest of our lives to hang out,” he said easily. “Don’t worry about it so much.”
“I’ll do my best.”
We watched the practice in silence for a little longer before I spoke again. “So, how are things between you and Jou? You guys official yet?” He had confided in me four or five months ago about what was going on between him and Jou, and had sought my advice a few times since then on the situation, though he seemed reluctant to act on it.
He shook his head, blushing some. “No. Nothing’s really changed yet. In fact, I ran into Yamato some time ago and accidentally mentioned it, and he told me the same thing you always do-I should just tell him. But I haven’t worked up the nerve to,” he confessed, his cheeks going redder.
“Well, you’ll get there,” I said knowingly. “Hell, it took me six months to work up the nerve to tell Yamato.”
“I hope so. The uncertainty of his feelings for me makes me feel like I’m going spare sometimes, as I spend a large amount of time running all the variables and possibilities of our potential relationship in my head.”
“Don’t think it over so much. Just go with the flow for now. Even if you don’t know exactly what it is, it’s more than what you had before, right? And I really doubt Jou’s just using you.”
“Yes, Yamato said something along the same lines.”
Down on the field below, the shrill sound of a whistle blowing ended the practice, interrupting us.
“Practice is over,” Koushiro stated unnecessarily, though he was probably just trying to change the subject. “Are you going to find Yamato now?”
I shook my head. “He usually spends three or four hours with the band. Besides, I’m hanging out with you today. Yamato will be fine without me for one night.” I hoped. There was always a chance I’d get called over because he had another panic attack and needed me. As much as I needed time away from him, I'd never abandon him when he truly needed me. If he called, I'd do as I always did, and race right over.
“In that case, would you like to come over to my house and watch a movie? I acquired several new ones recently that I think you would enjoy.”
I smiled and got up, ready to make my way down the bleachers. “Sure, sounds awesome.”
“Great! I can have my mom make us some snacks too, she’s really good at cooking.”
He sounded so excited, it made me extra glad I’d asked him to hang out today. “You know I’d never turn down food,” I said, laughing.
We continued to chat amicably as we started off for his house, talking about school, our other friends, my plans for after graduation... whatever came to mind. It made me realise just how much I’d missed hanging out with Koushiro. Over the years we’d gotten almost as close as Yamato and I were, minus the romantic aspect of course, and I resolved to make more time in the future to hang out with him.
Once we got to Koushiro's house, I pulled out my cell phone and sent off a quick text to Yamato while waiting for Koushiro to get the door open. Gonna be at Koushiro's for awhile if you need me. If he needed me, I didn't want him to try and waste time trying to reach me at home.
Several minutes later, my phone chimed with a reply. Thanks, but I won't need you. Have fun. Tell him hi for me. "Yamato says hi," I relayed, looking up.
Koushiro beamed, looking delighted. "Tell him I say hello as well."
I nodded, starting to type a reply message, but before I could finish, my phone chimed again. Love you, was what Yamato's additional text read. I smiled to read it. We'd hadn't really made a big deal out of the phrase after Yamato had murmured it that first time, but we'd started saying it to each other more often lately, and it made my heart burst with happiness every time. I finished up with the original reply I'd typed, and then quickly added three more words at the bottom. Love you too.
I snapped my phone shut, and focused on Koushiro again. "So, which movie are we watching?" I asked him.
"Oh! Well, I have several, if you would like to pick, and if you can't, I have a program on my computer that utilises a randomiser..."
I laughed, shaking my head at my friend. It was good that some things, at least, never changed. It was a welcome bout of normality in an otherwise crazy month. I hoped there would be more moments like this in the days to come.
end chapter thirteen. (11 april 2015 0928PM)
soundtrack for chapter thirteen:
cillo - breathe (vocal mix), krewella - alive (stephen swartz remix), rameses b - I need you (ft. charlotte haining), l.a.o.s. - hush now (501 remix), imagine dragons - I bet my life
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