Waiting (rewrite), Book 2, Chapter 14
After living through hell for months, Yamato is finally free from Ken and ready to move on with his life. But are things ever really that simple? Sequel to Untold Secrets. References to rape/sexual abuse and suicide. Some violence/swearing.
[Digimon] M, drama/hurt/comfort, 7208 (109384) words, published 07-29-15
UPDATE This chapter is the final version
previous chapter
Author's Notes: I made 100,000 words! Perhaps later in celebration I'll update the earlier chapters on here, as they've undergone some revisions since I first posted them (nothing major). Also, the end is in sight. Only five chapters left... I really dread the next few chapters.
Waiting
by: butterflie
chapter fourteen, escalation
Book Two
hold my body tight, I want to forget everything
there have been nights when I’ve become a coward, tired of the tense days
the strength to cry outright when I feel like crying
I work out what that strength is, and then I take it and look at it
burnin' love burnin' love burnin' my love
in this ever-changing world
I want us to be a bright couple, unstained in anybody else’s colours
- TWO-MIX, burning.
The band was once again hanging out in our usual room after school on Tuesday, not even pretending to practise for once. None of us were really in the mood for it, and yet we were still drawn to be together. I had a weird sense of foreboding, as if this was the last chance I’d have to be with all three of them. I knew it was just all the justified paranoia from waiting on Kento and Sento to do something, but I couldn’t shake it just the same.
I also had something on my mind, something I’d been waffling back and forth on ever since Takeru had gotten me to talk to him about Ken a tiny bit last week. Initially, my intentions had been to never tell the band about my suicide attempt. But, Ny had found out and had been okay once he’d gotten over the shock of it, and lately it had been bothering me, keeping it a secret from Kenji and Ratz. Of course we all had our secrets, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that, but this was one that more and more didn’t feel right for me to be keeping.
I wanted to tell them. At the same time, I was still afraid. Ny’s first reaction to shy away from me had hurt, even if I could understand it. I didn’t know how I’d handle it if the other two reacted the same, or worse. Of course, we’d been so close for so long, I had faith they wouldn’t hate or shun me for it, but there was still that little bit of niggling doubt that wondered otherwise...
“You okay, Yamato?” Ratsuii asked, drawing my attention out of my thoughts. “You’re pretty quiet.”
“I...” I stopped, licking my lips. My mouth had suddenly gone dry. I wish I had mentioned this idea to Taichi, or even Ny first. I still could, there wasn't any reason I had to tell Kenji and Ratsuii right now, but I didn't want it weighing down on my mind any longer. And if I didn't do it now, I wasn't sure I'd get the courage back up to do it again.
Kenji and Ny looked up, and stopped the murmuring they’d been doing in the far corner of the room, focusing their attention on me.
“I wanted to tell you guys something,” I said faintly. Now that I’d decided to, I suddenly felt sick. I was afraid I was going to pass out. I really didn’t want them to hate me...
Ny and Kenji both got up and moved to sit next to Ratsuii, so they’d be closer. “What is it?” Ny asked.
“Well, it’s for Kenji and Ratz, really. You already know, Ny...” I glanced down at my wrists, hidden as usual by long sleeves, then looked back up at Ny.
It took him a moment, but then a look of understanding came over his face. “Oh,” he said quietly. “Well, for what it’s worth, I think they’ll react better than I did... and I think it’d help you to tell them.”
“Right.” I attempted to smile at him, thankful for the brief words of encouragement, then drew in a deep breath and took the plunge. “Do you guys remember when I didn’t come to school for three weeks, when my Dad kept trying to tell everyone I was sick, before the news broke about Ken?”
They both nodded. “Of course. We all figured it was bullshit by the second week, but we had no idea why you were gone until that news broadcast,” Ratsuii said.
I swallowed, feeling incredibly nervous. “Yeah, I obviously wasn’t sick, but there was more of a reason for my absence than just confessing the truth about Ken. I didn’t even tell my Dad that until near the end of the second week.”
“So why were you gone so long, then?”
I closed my eyes, afraid to see their faces as I said it. “Because I took a knife to my wrists.”
There was silence for a long moment, then, “You idiot,” Kenji said, his voice shaking slightly. “Open your damn eyes, you don’t need to hide from us.”
That had not been what I was expecting at all. Surprised, I did as he said. I didn’t see any sign of disgust or hatred on their faces. Nothing that said they were afraid of me. I only saw worry, and acceptance, and maybe even understanding.
Kenji shook his head. “You idiot,” he repeated fondly. “You thought we’d hate you for it, didn’t you?”
My silence was answer enough.
Ratsuii sighed. He got up and came over to the table I was on top of, sitting on my left side, pressing up against me in silent support. Kenji quickly did the same on my right, and even Ny moved to sit closer, though he had already been through this once with me.
“We don’t hate you,” Ratsuii said quietly. “I can only speak for myself, but I’ve been in a dark enough place in the past to consider suicide. I know the helpless despair that makes it seem like such a good idea at the time. If Ken was hurting you so bad that you turned to suicide to get away from it, I can hardly be mad at you for that. Still, I’m glad you survived it. I would have missed the hell out of you, Yamato.”
I felt tears building in my eyes at his words. Both at the surprise of learning he’d once considered suicide, and at the relief that he seemed to understand what could make me even attempt it. “I’m glad I did too,” I managed to say around the sudden lump in my throat.
“And that goes for me too,” Kenji said, nudging me. “I need someone around to keep my crazier impulses in check."
I rolled my eyes at him, nudging him back. "Wow, thanks," I said dryly, though I was smiling at him with watery eyes. "That makes me feel so needed."
He grinned. "You know I would have missed you, you jerk. Glad you made it.”
“You don’t think about it anymore though, do you?” Ratsuii asked me, looking worried. “I mean, I know you’re still not doing great right now, but you’re doing better than before, right?”
I nodded, wiping at my eyes. “Don’t worry, guys, I promise I don’t want to die. I didn’t even entirely want to when I did it. It was more like what you said, Ratz, I just felt so helpless about my situation and I didn’t see any other way out, so it seemed like the best idea at the time. I thought I didn't have any other choice and that everything would be better off if I was dead. I realise now how stupid a decision it was.”
I was surprised when Kenji suddenly flung his arms around me in a spontaneous hug, knocking me off balance and into Ratsuii, who scrambled to maintain his seat. “Idiot,” he mumbled into my side. “Killing yourself is never going to be the best idea.”
“I know, now,” I said awkwardly, patting him on the back. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. Just please talk to someone first if you’re ever thinking about it again,” Ny spoke up as Kenji finally released me and settled beside me again.
“I promise,” I said softly. “And thanks guys.”
“For what?” Ratsuii asked in confusion.
“For being awesome, of course!” Kenji interjected before I could answer.
I laughed, thankful beyond belief that I had such amazing friends. “Pretty much.”
* * *
“Yamato! Hey, Yamato, wait up!”
I looked behind me to see my brother running up the sidewalk towards Taichi and me, waving at us. We stopped, and let him catch up. “Hey, Takeru,” I greeted him as he approached us, slightly out of breath.
“Hi! Do you have plans for after school? Do you want to come over and hang out with me for awhile? We don’t get to see each other enough,” he pouted.
I blinked, and then looked at Taichi, hesitating. “You might as well,” he told me. “Mom wanted me home early to do some errands for her yet again. I think it's just her excuse to get me home sometimes.”
"Sorry, I don't mean to monopolise your time..." I told him, feeling bad.
"Don't worry about. I'm sure not complaining about it."
I nodded at him, blushing, and looked back at my brother. “I guess that’s a yes then,” I said, smiling at him.
“Great!” he exclaimed, beaming. “I’ll meet you on the front steps after school then?”
“Sure.” I watched, bemused, as he waved at me then dashed off, quickly climbing the steps and heading into the school. “Strange. He usually asks days in advance when he wants to hang out...” I shook it off, then glanced over at Taichi. “So your mom’s finally stopped being scared of you?”
He shrugged. “She’s been slowly warming up to me more the past couple of days, since you came over Monday. I guess seeing how you’ve been lately made it easier for her to remember and understand why I totally lost it on Sento.”
“I didn’t look that bad,” I said, appalled.
“You don’t look bad, but you haven’t been as... put-together... as you used to be, and you’re not your usual self... Anyone that knows you well enough can pick up on that.”
“I suppose,” I said unhappily, but I dropped the subject. I didn't want to think yet again on how Ken had fucked up every little part of my life.
* * *
“I like it,” Takeru said sincerely.
“Thanks,” I said easily. “It’s still rough around the edges so it’s got some more fine-tuning, and of course you’re only hearing my part of it, but we were thinking of using it for our next single.”
“It’s very catchy. I think it’d do great as a single, even without hearing the others’ parts.”
I smiled, pleased. I’d decided to play some songs for Takeru after school, to get his opinion on them. He always enjoyed being able to hear the band’s music before it was officially released. I think it made him feel special and more like my brother; I wouldn’t play any of our songs for anyone else before they were released, not even Taichi. “I can play you part of another one I’ve been working on, though it’s nowhere near finished. Then we can watch a movie or something, whatever you’d like to do.”
“Sure, I’d like that.”
I’d barely started playing the first few chords when the door to the apartment rattled as it turned, sending an instinctive shock of fear down my spine, then Natsuko stepped in.
I stopped playing abruptly, glaring darkly at Takeru. His eagerness before school to get me to come over today suddenly made a lot more sense. He would have known when Natsuko was coming home, he would have known she’d be home early today, early enough for me to still be here. Apparently he hadn’t forgiven me for what I’d said about being her favourite as much as I’d thought.
Takeru, traitor brother that he was, just gave me a sheepish grin and then looked at her. “Hi, Mom! You’re home early...”
Natsuko blinked, glancing back and forth between the two of us. “Of course, I told you this morning that I would be.”
“Oh, right, I forgot... I gotta go to the bathroom!” He leaped up suddenly, racing out of the room and presumably towards the bathroom. Which left me alone with Natsuko. I was going to kill him the next time I got him alone, the coward.
Natsuko smiled at me as she shed her jacket and shoes. “It’s good to see you, Yamato.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, looking down at my guitar. I hoped Takeru hurried up and came back, so I could make my excuses and get the hell out of here. I would much rather be scared to be home alone than to be here, awkwardly trying to avoid dealing with Natsuko’s pretend attempts to care about me. I heard the clatter of her keys as she set them on the side-table next to the door, then the couch dipped down a moment later as she came over and sat down at the end opposite me. I wished she would just go away. And where the hell was Takeru?
“How’s school going?”
I just shrugged, not wanting to answer her. I didn’t see the point. It’d just be a waste of breath.
She was quiet for a minute, and I hoped she’d given up. Of course, right when I had that thought, that was when she tried again. “How have you been doing lately?”
I sighed loudly, knowing it was rude but not really caring. “What do you even care?” I asked, my voice harsh. I was just so fed up with that question, and having to hear it from her of all people was the last straw.
“You’re my son, Yamato, of course I care,” she said softly, and she even managed to fake a hint of hurt in her voice.
I just shook my head and didn’t reply. Luckily Takeru picked that moment to come back, and I immediately jumped up, holding on to my guitar. “I’m sorry, Takeru, I just remembered some chores I promised Dad I’d do, I really have to go home now,” I said, lying through my teeth as I went over to the door and slipped my shoes on. I leaned down to grab my bookbag. “I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Oh,” he said, a dejected look coming over his face. He tried to smile at me. “Sure, we’ll talk later. Better get those chores done for Dad, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, ignoring the twinge of guilt I felt both for lying to him and leaving him so soon. But still, he’d set me up, knowing how I’d felt about Natsuko. I pulled open the door. “Bye.”
“Bye,” he called after me. I shut the door behind me and didn’t look back.
* * *
“Yamato?”
I started to blink as Dad flicked on the lamps, not liking the sudden brightness on my eyes. “Yeah?” I asked, glancing at a clock on the wall nearby. Dad was home early, although not by much. It was still pretty late. I’d been sitting here in the living room in the dark for a few hours... I hadn’t even really been aware of it. I’d zoned out somewhat thinking about Natsuko, and Takeru, and how much I hated her and how mad I was at him. At least it kept me from thinking about how I was home alone.
“You okay? What are you doing in the dark?” Dad sounded understandably confused. He’d worked out that I didn’t like being home alone anymore, so to come home and find me not only alone but in complete darkness had to worry him a bit. “Taichi’s not here?”
I shook my head. “He had errands to run for Mrs. Yagami this afternoon.”
“Okay...” Dad set down his keys and slipped off his shoes, coming over to sit next to me on the couch. “Are you okay?” Dad repeated cautiously.
“Why can’t she leave me alone? Why can’t she just admit she doesn’t care?” I demanded, upset. It hurt. Even if I had been the one to pick Dad to live with when they divorced, she hadn’t seemed too upset by the choice, nor made any effort to visit with me after we’d moved to Odaiba. It was like she'd forgotten she had another son.
Dad let out a long, weary sigh, immediately grasping who and what I was talking about. “She does care, Yamato. She’s called me several times to ask how you’re doing, or express worry for you, or find out how you’re doing in school or with your band. She always has, ever since we split up.”
I sniffed, suddenly finding myself fighting back threatening tears. “Why didn’t she call me, and ask me these things, if she cared so much?”
“You were only four, so you may not remember very much, but she tried to, Yamato. She’d call and ask if she could talk to you, but when I tried to hand you the phone, you’d get mad and throw it at the floor. You wouldn’t talk to her. So she started asking me instead, and I suppose it became habit over the years as you grew up and she didn’t know how to fix things with you, especially after we moved here and she only could see you when we would stop and pick up Takeru for a weekend. She’s always been sensitive to the tension between you two.”
I shook my head at him, not really sure what to say, or how much of his words to believe. “She’s just pretending. She knows she has to act interested in me-”
“Yamato. Stop,” Dad said, sounding angry now. “I’ve heard the worry in her voice before, especially when she learned about what you’ve been through recently. She’s not faking that, and more than that, she does not have to pretend she cares about you. If she didn’t care about you, she would have left and never contacted either of us ever again. She wouldn’t go through all that effort just to maintain a facade of interest.”
I shrugged silently, still not sure I really believed him, but not quite willing to challenge him on it again in the face of his anger. “I have homework,” I finally mumbled, sliding off the couch.
Dad just watched me go, not saying a word.
* * *
The next day at school I couldn’t help but drag my feet some. My night had been filled with nightmares, which admittedly wasn’t at all unusual these days, but last night’s had been some of the more worse ones. Not the worst I’d ever had, but still pretty bad. Just weird combinations of everything with Takeru and Natsuko, Kento’s gang, and having talked about my suicide attempt and Ken some with the band recently, all coming back in my dreams.
And to make things worse, Kento, Tetsuya, and Ayashi kept mildly harassing Taichi and me throughout the day. Nothing major, just little things like shoving us or glaring or pretending like one of them was going to hit us, but laughing instead. Enough to put us on edge and also confuse the hell out of us. I couldn’t figure out why they would bother to do those things. Surely that wasn’t it, surely that wasn’t all Kento had planned. I didn’t know if he was waiting for Sento to show up before he did anything major, or if he was getting a kick out of tormenting us this way instead.
I also didn’t like that we didn’t know why Sento hadn’t shown his face yet. It made me nervous that they were planning something big. Something worse than anything they’d already done, something we might not ever recover from. It was starting to really scare me bad, enough to make me wonder if I shouldn’t talk to Dad, talk to him and get him to understand how serious it was, see if maybe something could be done, though I really had no idea what, especially since the school wouldn't do anything.
But if there was nothing to be done about it, then I didn’t want to worry Dad unnecessarily. I knew he’d said he would always worry about me, that it was his job as a parent, but I hated piling more worry onto his current ones. I hated the whole situation.
I sighed as the final bell of the day rang, signalling the end of school. Wearily, I started packing up my books, giving Taichi a tired smile as he approached. “You coming over?” I asked him, really not up to being alone today.
“Sure. The band not practising today either?”
I shook my head, standing up and slinging my bookbag over a shoulder. “Ratsuii has to watch his little sister today.”
“Doesn’t he have a million siblings? Why didn’t one of them watch her?”
“Are you complaining?” I joked, and he smiled. “To be honest, I’m really not sure why. Ratsuii always volunteers himself for anything involving Luna. I guess he just really loves his sister.”
“Sure, I love my sister too, but I still never gave up all my free time to watch her.”
I shrugged. “I guess Ratsuii’s a better person than you,” I teased.
He just stuck his tongue out at me, and I laughed.
* * *
“You always make me feel so good,” I mumbled, kissing Taichi hard as he continued to rub small circles around my nipple. It hadn’t taken us long to start making out once we’d reached my apartment, though we at least had the sense to go in my room and lock the door behind us for once. I’d had enough of Dad walking in on us.
“That’s the plan,” he replied, sitting up and smiling down at me. He reached out with his other hand, gently brushing back some of the hair from my face.
“Less talking, more kissing,” I demanded, leaning up towards him. He complied happily, leaning down himself again to meet me. I gasped as he tweaked my nipple, feeling an excited tingle shoot straight down to my groin.
I wanted more. I wanted desperately for him to touch me all over, to make me feel so amazing until I couldn’t stand it and had to come. I wanted to be able to do the same for him in return, to make him feel as good as he made me feel, to explore his entire body and learn what he liked and didn’t like, to see him get excited and melt under my hands and tongue.
And yet, I couldn’t help but remember how the last disastrous attempt had went when I’d asked Taichi to touch me. Still, I figured a little further couldn’t hurt. “Taichi,” I said, tugging at his shirt to get his attention.
“Hmm?” he murmured.
“You can...” I paused, swallowing nervously. “You can take my shirt off. If you want.”
He straightened up at that, looking down at me seriously. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”
I bit down on my lip, nodding. “I won’t say I’m not nervous,” I admitted hesitantly, attempting a smile. “But I want this. I want you to take my shirt off. And... you can use your mouth as well as your hands.”
“Okay then,” he said, and now he sounded nervous too. “Here, sit up some then.” He helped me sit up enough to get my shirt off, though we still struggled for a moment with it. Finally, though, I was laying back on my bed, shirt tossed carelessly to the floor, with Taichi straddling me and admiring my bared chest.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he murmured, leaning down to give me a slow kiss.
I swallowed, reminded of all the times Ken had said much the same thing to me, early on before he’d turned violent. But I wasn’t going to tell Taichi that and risk ruining the moment. So instead I just kissed him back, running my hands down his sides until I reached the ends of his shirt. A few quick tugs and it wasn’t long before his shirt joined mine in the floor.
As before, I was beginning to feel really nervous with where things were going, but the things Taichi were doing to me felt so good, I didn’t want it to stop.
Thankfully Taichi seemed content to just kiss me awhile longer, with heated, feverish kisses that shot straight to my dick, getting me fully aroused in minutes. It made it easier for me to want more. When he brought his hands back to my chest, I shook my head. “Want your mouth there,” I groaned, feeling brave enough to start touching his chest in the meantime, trailing feather light touches over his nipple.
He shuddered, and let out a low moan. “Feels good.” Then he lowered his head down to my chest.
I gasped and arched up off the bed slightly as his mouth enveloped my left nipple and suckled slightly. It was warm, and wet, and felt amazing. It had definitely never been like this with Ken. “Taichi,” I groaned as he continued to suck, swirling his tongue over my nipple every so often. I buried my hands in his hair, clenching fistfuls of it as he worked his magic on me. I was so hard it ached, and I could feel precum leaking out of my dick and smearing against my boxers.
He lifted his head up then, and I let out a little whimper at the loss. “No, don’t stop,” I whined at him. For once, thoughts of Ken were at the back of my mind. All I was thinking about was how good Taichi had just made me feel, and how completely aroused I was, and how I just wanted to keep feeling that good. I wasn’t thinking about being scared, or nervous, or worried that I’d fuck something up.
He grinned at me. “Felt good?”
I pulled him into a kiss. “Fantastic,” I murmured against his lips.
He gave me another wild grin. “Good,” he said, his voice a bit husky, “because I’m going to do it again,” and brought his mouth down to my right nipple this time.
I could only lie there helplessly, letting out little gasps and whimpers every so often as he did something that felt particularly great, harder than I’d ever been in my life, my dick practically begging to be touched.
At that thought, I wondered if I actually could let Taichi go further. My dick certainly wanted him to, but I didn’t know if I was really ready yet. Thinking about letting him touch me made me think all over again of the last time we'd tried, when he’d barely gotten his hand in my pants and I'd flipped out on him. I didn’t want that to happen again. I didn’t want to be scared of sex. I didn’t want to be reminded of something Ken did every time Taichi tried to do something similar. I just wanted to feel good, and to be able to make Taichi feel good in return. I didn’t want to have to be screwed up over sex anymore.
Perhaps I could just let Taichi do it, even if I got scared. If I just let Taichi touch me, and didn’t say anything if I got scared, maybe I could get through it and then wouldn’t be scared anymore. I was so sick of being scared.
With those thoughts running through my head, I decided to go for it. I told myself firmly that Taichi would never hurt me, and it would only feel good, so there was no reason to be scared. I tugged on his hair a bit, waiting until he’d stopped what he was doing and looked up at me inquiringly. “I want you to touch me,” I said quietly, being sure to make eye contact so he’d know I was serious.
He blinked, not expecting that, and sat up. “Are you sure?” he asked, sounding hesitant. “You’re ready? I don’t want to move too fast for you...”
I nodded, not betraying just how sure I wasn’t. “I want it, Taichi. I’m ready.”
“Okay then,” he said, though he still sounded uncertain. “But again, if you change your mind, don’t be afraid to stop me. I won’t be mad, I promise.”
I nodded, knowing he meant it, but determined not to stop him even if I did get scared.
“Okay,” he repeated nervously, and took a deep breath. He reached out and undid the snap on my jeans and then paused, looking at me again.
“I’m fine,” I said, smiling at him, though in truth that simple action had sent a thrum of anxiety through me. “I want this.” I said it more to reassure myself than him. I craned my head up and gave him a quick kiss.
He kissed me back, deepening it, slipping his tongue in my mouth. We made out a bit, both of us relaxing, and then he began to tug my jeans down some, revealing just how hard my dick was straining against the confines of my boxers at that point.
I tensed up, flinching as he placed his open palm gently against me. Just having his hand touching me felt good, but it also scared the hell out of me. Ken had never done exactly this to me, preferring to just immediately start jerking me off roughly, but I knew that soon Taichi would be jerking me off too, and that was enough to make me afraid that it would be like Ken, or send me into flashbacks.
I jerked as Taichi ran his palm softly up and down the length of my dick a few times, feeling it through my boxers, but not yet grasping it. Still, it felt nice, and I could feel more precum wetting the front of my boxers. But I was tensing even more, and starting to wonder if I could keep quiet and let Taichi just do it.
“You okay?” he asked quietly, stilling his hand. “You want me to stop?”
I shook my head, still determined to get through this. “Keep going,” I told him. “Feels good,” I added, and then kissed him to shut him up.
It seemed to be enough, for Taichi seemed to relax a bit more and moved his hand again, trailing his fingers back up my dick and then around my stomach, finally dipping under my boxers.
I stiffened. I was starting to feel panicked, knowing what was about to come and knowing for sure now I wasn’t ready, but still not wanting him to stop. I took a few deep breaths, willing myself to calm down and relax. “Keep going,” I said, before he could ask if I was okay again.
His only answer was to tentatively brush his fingers against the head, smearing some of my precum around.
By now I was feeling the familiar tightness in my chest that indicated a panic attack was imminent in the next few minutes, but I desperately tried to hide that anything was wrong, to keep my breath steady and my body as relaxed as much as I could manage. I was sick of being scared! I wanted to get through this.
The fact that I hadn’t told Taichi to stop seemed to encourage him, and after a few more moments of slicking his fingers with my precum, he wrapped his hand around me.
Unfortunately that was the point at which I just couldn’t handle it anymore. “Don’t!” I cried out, yanking away from him. He immediately jerked his hand out of my boxers and scooted back off of me, presumably trying to give me space. “It’s okay, I won’t do anything,” he said, trying to soothe me, but I wasn’t listening. I was scrambling around, trying to pull my pants back up and jump up off the bed at the same time, which only resulted in me falling to the floor.
Taichi got up, alarmed, but I couldn’t be around him right then. I was panicking, and ashamed, and I just needed to get away. I somehow lumbered to my feet and quickly dashed out of my room and next door into the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. Once in there, I sank to the floor and curled into a ball, where I finally let go, the panic and embarrassment and self-hatred clawing its way out of me until I could only lay there and cry.
A few minutes later I heard a knock at the door, and Taichi’s timid voice calling my name. “Yamato?”
I didn’t answer him. I didn’t want to face him, hating that I’d fucked everything up yet again, and left him hanging.
“Yamato, it’s okay. Please don’t be upset, I’m not mad at you. I told you I wouldn’t be, I understand that it’s hard for you and you’re scared. It’s okay that you’re not ready yet. I love you anyways. Please come out,” he begged, but I would have none of it. I stayed where I was, the only noise to be heard my hysterical crying.
He was silent a bit, listening to me, and then tried again. “I’m really not mad, I promise. Please won’t you come out and talk to me?”
I said nothing. I didn’t see what there really was for me to say right then.
I heard him sigh, and then some rustling and thumping. “Fine, if you’re not ready to leave yet, you don’t have to, but I’m going to sit outside the door until you want to come out and talk.”
I still said nothing. I just continued to lay there. I didn’t know how long I cried. I only knew how much hatred I felt for myself, hating that I felt so weak and afraid just because of sex. I didn’t know how to make my body stop reacting badly. I didn’t even understand it, I knew Taichi wasn’t Ken, and the things Taichi was doing had felt good. Admittedly, some of the things Ken had done to me had felt good too, at times, even if I’d hated that they were happening.
And I was scared for the future, still scared that I’d never be able to get over this, would never be able to have sex with Taichi, or make him feel good, or stop associating everything with Ken. I was scared that eventually he would get tired of me and all my problems and leave me. And even if I wouldn’t blame him for it, I didn’t want him to leave me. He’d been my best friend for years, and was finally more. I loved him. I wanted him to be always in my life.
Eventually my sobs lessened as I tired, before they finally tapered off into silence. Taichi didn’t speak once I quieted, but I heard him shifting every so often, so I knew he was still there. Some time after that, I wasn’t sure how long, I heard my dad come home. I heard him start down the hall, most likely intending to go into his room, or maybe check on me, before he stopped suddenly.
“Taichi?” I heard him ask. I could easily imagine the raised eyebrow that went along with it, asking why the hell his son’s boyfriend was sitting in front of our closed bathroom door.
Taichi sighed. “Yamato’s upset. He locked himself in and won’t come out. I should probably just go home, it’s been two hours already.”
“I see,” I heard Dad reply, a mix of resignation and confusion in his voice.
There was a slight thud against the door as Taichi apparently climbed to his feet, likely using the door for support. I heard them both walk away, their low voices in the living room saying words I couldn’t make out, and then the door shutting before Dad’s footsteps headed back towards the bathroom again.
“Yamato?” Dad asked, stopping in front of the door. “You okay in there? Did you guys have a fight?”
Now that Taichi had left, I felt I could breathe a bit easier. I slowly uncurled and sat up. “We didn’t fight,” I said quietly, wiping at the tears dried on my cheeks.
“Do you want to talk about whatever’s wrong, then?”
I knew there was no way I could ever tell Dad exactly what happened. It would be way too embarrassing and awkward. But I also wasn’t ready to even come out of the bathroom, or speak about it in general terms. “...Not really,” I finally said, my voice a bit shaky, suddenly wanting to cry again.
Dad was quiet for a moment. I wasn’t sure what he might be thinking. I wondered if he had an idea of what happened. “Okay,” he said at last. “I’m here if you change your mind.”
“Okay,” I whispered, not sure if he’d hear me through the door. I heard him walk away, and a few moments later the TV in the living room came on.
I sat there awhile longer, trying to calm myself back down again before I started crying again. I’d had more than enough of crying all the time just because something even slightly bad happened. Eventually, I decided I was tired of sitting on the floor, and got to my feet, heading over to the sink to wash my face. I spent a few more minutes composing myself, then took a deep breath and opened the door.
I hesitated for a moment, not sure whether to just go in my room or go sit with dad in the living room. But then I realised I really didn’t want to be alone to cry anymore, so I just quickly ducked in to grab my shirt and pull it on, and then slowly headed down the hall, crossing through the kitchen and into the living room. I sank down into the couch, pretending to check out whatever was on the TV as I deliberately avoided looking at dad.
We sat silently for a bit, watching the TV, before I got up the courage to speak. “I tried again.” I said quietly, hoping he’d catch on to what I meant.
“Tried...?” Dad started to ask, before it dawned on him. “Oh. With Taichi?”
No, with my other boyfriend, came the immediate sarcastic thought, but I squashed it. There wasn’t really a way for him to phrase it without making it super awkward. So I just nodded. “I couldn’t,” I admitted.
Dad sighed, sounding sad. “It’s like I said before, Yamato. It’s going to take time and probably a few failed attempts along the way before you’re comfortable enough. It isn’t something that will happen immediately. Not being able to do it right now doesn’t mean you’re broken or not good enough, it just means you went through something traumatic and aren’t fully recovered yet. You’ll get there, okay?”
“I just hate being so scared when it’s only Taichi. Even though I know he wouldn’t ever hurt me, I still get scared.”
“Your body is remembering what it learned with Ken,” Dad said. “It has to learn new reactions with Taichi, something that will take time. You’ll get there, okay? Just take it slow and don’t force yourself into anything before you’re ready for it. That will only make things worse on both you and Taichi.”
I nodded, feeling a little bit better. I could only hope that Taichi would be as understanding as Dad seemed to be.
* * *
A few hours later I was back in my room, sitting on my bed, my song notebook open next to me. I’d been working on some new lyrics, trying to work out some of my emotions and keep myself calm and not thinking about what happened with Taichi. It was only partially working.
I knew I needed to call him. Even if he understood, I felt bad for reacting the way I had earlier. What he’d been doing had felt good. I just wasn’t ready to separate my past experiences from my new ones, and I wanted to make sure he knew it was nothing to do with him.
I looked down at my notebook, re-reading through the last verse a few times and realising how little sense it made. I sighed, and, after closing it, shoved it back into the drawer of my nightstand. I wouldn’t be able to write clearly until I’d talked to Taichi.
I slid off the bed and headed over to my desk, where I’d tossed my bookbag after school. I dug out my cell and dialled Taichi’s home number. After a few rings he answered, and I felt my heart drop anxiously into my stomach at his voice. What if he didn’t understand? What if he rejected me? “Hello?” Taichi repeated, when I hadn’t spoken yet.
I swallowed. “Hi,” I said nervously. “It’s Yamato.”
“Oh, hey Yamato,” he said casually. “What’s up?”
“Listen, I just... I wanted to apologise for earlier,” I said quietly. “About running out on you and locking myself in the bathroom...”
“It’s fine,” he said, his tone of voice going serious. “Really, it is. I told you before, I understand it’s hard for you and that you’re not ready yet. I’m not mad and I don’t hate you. I don’t want you to force yourself to do things you’re not comfortable with, or that scare you. Okay? I don’t need sex to be happy, right now I’m happy just being with you. We’ve got plenty of time for that later and I can wait as long as you need to be ready.”
“But what if it takes me two years to be ready?” I asked him, voice cracking. I was feeling close to tears again, both at his understanding words and because of my fear of not being good enough.
“Then it takes you two years to be ready. That’s all there is to it,” he said easily.
“You make it sound so simple...”
“It is that simple. You’re not ready, we don’t do it. That’s the most important part.”
I swallowed heavily, a lump in my throat, and put a hand over my eyes, trying hard not to cry. “Okay,” I said. “Okay. If I’m not ready, then I’m just not ready. I won’t force it anymore. I’m sorry I tried to today. I hope I didn’t upset you, what you were doing really did feel good.”
“I wasn’t upset, just worried for you. Are you okay now, at least?”
“As much as I can be,” I said honestly. “I just wanted to make sure that we were okay. Walk with me to school tomorrow?”
“Of course! See you then,” he said happily.
“See you then,” I echoed, and hung up.
I set the phone down next to me, and stood up to begin getting ready for bed. I wasn’t completely okay with everything that had happened today, but I couldn’t deny that Taichi’s kind understanding and reassurances had made me feel a lot better about everything. I wasn’t going to force myself anymore. I wasn’t ready for everything yet, and that was okay. I could take it slow, and Taichi wouldn’t hate me for it. For now, that was about as good as it got.
chapter fourteen end. (29 july 2015 1100AM)
soundtrack for chapter fourteen:
walk the moon - shut up and dance, fall out boy - centuries, bastille - flaws, imagine dragons - radioactive, cage the elephant - cigarette daydreams, bleachers - rollercoaster, imagine dragons - I bet my life, walk the moon - different colors
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