I haven't come too far in healing yet but I have CERTAINLY made progress. The terror that once constricted me, denied to me my feelings and almost lost me my love, has been reduced to mere anxiety. Escapism is no longer my main means of managing my misery; my obsession with rape --- though it still creeps in and out of my conciousness -- now ( Read more... )

I'm s'pose to bitch about everything I lost and shit. So I will...

I lost so much. I lost my childhood. I never got a chance to obliviously play, unknowing of the evils in the world. I knew the worst manifestation of evil there was. And what's worse is -- in order to survive -- I reveled in it; it became an obsession. There wasn't a part of me it ( Read more... )

I'm s'pose to have a dialouge with my inner child, so...hear goes:

--The child's statements are in italics--

I want you to know...I don't hate you and...I don't blame you...
Then why do you ignore me?
I'm just scared to know what happened to you...
But I'm a part of you!
I know...And I want to help you...help us...but I don't know if I can handle the ( Read more... )

I did alot of different things to cope ( Read more... )

I went to my AA meeting today and there was a GREAT topic.  It was acceptance. Everyone had such great shares and it inspired me. The Way has also really inspired me as well.

I realized there were two major concepts that I have to accept:

1. I am NOT the main character in existence's story.
For the longest time (maybe even up to today) I became ( Read more... )

The abuse has affected me negatively in a lot of ways.

I have little self-worth. I tell myself and I know that I’m worthy of unconditional respect and love but I don’t believe it. My self-worth is so low that I’m willing to sacrifice my health and risk my life through drugs and cutting and self-abuse and basically anything else that will reduce my ( Read more... )

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
The present moment is all that exists. Time is not real, it is only a concept. Every second is a new state of reality and we can alter ourselves according to ( Read more... )

A gallery in Modesto saw my art and wants to hang/sell it.
AND they're offering me a full scholarship to Stanislaus University!

I'm so flattered that they consider my art that good! I'm shocked and amazed! It's insane!

Today's topic at the AA meeting was "release from fears."

I realized, while I was listening to everyone, that at the begining of my disorder - when all my problems and fears were begining to surface - I started using and consequently masking them with weed. So I didn't really know about 'em until I got clean. Smoking also made them worse. That's why ( Read more... )

Today I went to an NA convention; it was really cool; I hung out with Irma (from group) and Allan (from my meetings); it was really fun. :)

Tommarow I go back again. Hooray!