after nyc, being here feels just as anticlimactic as i decided it would be- 2 more months of a life that all of a sudden turned stale as what lies ahead became real to me. i convinced myself i was going to be together with this woman, and i still think so- but i'm not yet, not really, theres still this maddening hiatus (a metaphor for my past 4- 20 ( Read more... )

this time being in nyc feels just like, the most natural place to be even if sometimes i do take the express train when i need the local. i'm really excited about potentially living here this summewr whch seems like will be simpliciity itself, and also really necessary, i don't think i'd be able to handle being in cville actually. though i dunno i ( Read more... )

to misuse the word when i know better, everything in my life nowadays has the air of the surreal- the ease with which i contemplate say hitching rides to new york and maybe willing myself to fall in love with a woman i'll follow to china for example. i'm almost sick of how readily things seem to be falling in place for me, its as if the cartesian ( Read more... )

i realize this is not going to help this but maybe i'll become more reclusive already than i am, read even more than i already do. whatever i do now is pointless; i am a very adaptive person, but i need to make myself not adapt to this; i dont want to cast myself in the mold of a town i'm soon leaving. my strategy has been: pass time and wait for ( Read more... )

'He is not sensitive towards other people and rarely puts himself in their place, except to get to know them for his own purposes. He is no respecter of rights unless he respects the person whose rights they are, which is not very often. ... he is accustomed, instinctively and without vanity, to regard himself as the instrument of a not unimportant ( Read more... )

my (our) middle school's tower, with max dec. 24; "when i first had sex i was so dissapointed,"--- aren't we betrayed by the external? we make narratives of how wonderful Love and the City and glamour and sex are- and really they are just as feeble (sometimes, rarely successful) ast moving us to emotion as our scorned everyday lives. I embrace ( Read more... )

lately i've been reading writers about place, found in stefan hertmans a similar thinker to stephen barber (and yet they still leave obvious things out!) in articulating the at once emotionally charged and idle way that i respond to place. being here now is like a imulacra of a human life, the site of my passion really is in my tiny room reading ( Read more... )

the gramscian north-south divide in italy and the pasolinian ideological aftermath is equally applicable in a lot of other coutries that share similar circumstances, brazil south-north, china east-west most obviously-

this s mostly ust a research note for my own future use, sorry if it clogged your friendpage

the point is, when I was about 12 my dad was thinking about our family moving to Nîmes, a small city in southern France. If I have one regret in my life, its that we didn't do that. Malle's film was basically an (obviously romanticized and of a rich family) portrait of a boys adolescence in Dijon in the 50s and like, whatever i typically dont go ( Read more... )

i'm basically, so fucking sick of implications that hunter or i (typically grouped cause we're friends, and both have casual sex sometimes or used to, and drink) aren't intellectuals somehow because- what, exactly? because we aren't so burrowed into our studies that we have social personalities that are frankly different from our intellectual ones ( Read more... )