It's hard to verbalize precisely what is going on. But life doesn't feel like real life these days. For months on end, life's been on hold. I hold the words of Ray Dalio close to heart, that it takes 18 months for habits to be formed. I hope he's right. It means I am not yet what I have become, these past months. I think I feel anger, frustration. ( Read more... )

You see yourself become a person you don't quite want to be, but you allow it. More like, I allow it. The confusion between feeling things and simulated feelings. Doing things for the sake of their amusement, doing things for the sake of how meaningless life is ( Read more... )

I celebrated 4th of July with friends from Michigan. We drove 3 hours or so to get to Lake Michigan, were we rented a large house. It was fancy as fuck. Note: I wanted to use bougie but I looked up the meaning of the word, which seems to be acting high class/wealthy while not being high class/wealthy, and I think in this case, we have to eat our ( Read more... )

In attempts to understand myself better, I wrote a list of things I enjoy and don't enjoy.

things i enjoy:smoking 1 cigarette ( Read more... )

Take risks and go for the things you want. Beh, that's it innit. If someone doesn't like it / some situation is not fit, oh well. Shucks. I like being the active part. It might come accross as pushy, and it probably is. And yea, that's it. I will take an L if that's the case. And move on, and keep taking risks and trying to go for things that I ( Read more... )

25-05 ( Read more... )

21-05

I've been listening to "The Weeknd - Blinding lights" on repeat. It makes me want to go in the sun and smoke, and sometimes it makes me want to cry.

I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights
No, I can't sleep until I feel your touchI don't know why this line in particular hits. What's the purpose of life, in the end? My friend and I discussed ( Read more... )

10/05

I called M (he's one of my best friends who lives in ___) recently and we talked about Stoner, the book I mentioned I read recently. It keeps coming back to this fucking book.

Spoilers, by the way, if you keep reading.Like the way I understand the book is that it's about this guy who never bothered(*) to think about how he felt and never ( Read more... )

5/05 ( Read more... )

What did you expect? Was it a surprise that it would be lonely? What do I want? I want a sense of belonging. It sounds fucking vague. But I want a reason to stay somewhere. Isn't that like, hoping for someone to save me? I guess, kinda is. There's a bitter taste on my throat. I have been crying a lot these past few days. What did you expect? Was it ( Read more... )