After that little "incident" with my wife I've been put in residential housing and have to report to my parole officer every 5 hours. This leaves me with very little time and few resources with which to further my goals ... not to mention this new medication I'm on is having some "adverse" side effects. For example the other day I was craving a ( Read more... )

My wife decided to kill me on valentines day, apparently I'm a horrible husband/father/person and the only reason she married me is because she was and has been drunk just about everyday since I got her pregnant. Good I say, cause if she can't be more original than trying to kill me with a kitchen knife then I don't want anything to do with her. In ( Read more... )

a couple a weeks ago I started listening to all my music records backwards. coincidentally I also stopped sleeping because I had fallen off my bed and into the box of speed I had been looking for. But you'd be suprised about the crazy stuff you hear when records are played backwards..... one second it's just a bunch of random screechy noises which ( Read more... )

Well directly after my last update I found out that my wife had filed for divorce eight months ago and won in a huge legal battle which apparently I had forgotten due to accidently injecting three liters of mouthwash into my bloodstream with a syringe I stole from a street musician. Anyway she called the police and told them I was "trespassing" and ( Read more... )

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=414810

Truly and honestly this is some of the best parenting I have ever seen, we could all take a lesson from this woman ... I mean yes, everybody makes their children drink bleach but then sit on them !?! a stroke of genius !

So I was limping down this street on account of my leg being torn up by my wife's pitbull on account of me dangling the kid over the fire escape (for the record, he had it coming). Anywho, At this point I was just looking for some place to sleep so my fingers wouldn't get all black and crumbly like I saw happened to that guy on the discovery ( Read more... )

I remember .... wait scratch that, I lost that part of my brain in nam.

so I got this letter today, talking all about how the family wants me at their annual christmas party. You can imagine how suprised I was since none of my relatives really ever talked to me since I publicly castrated my uncle with a pair of needle nose pliers some years back. Anyways, I figured that since I had some extra money from selling my ( Read more... )

So get this, I woke up in the bathtub this morning and when I was fumbling to get out I noticed some crap on my hand that kinda looked like chocolate or something. anyway, I tried to lick it off but it was actually a tattoo ( Read more... )

Yeah, today I was trying to heat up some leftover hotdogs on the radiator and I left them there for a minute while I went to scream/throw empty bear bottles at the milkman and when I got back the fucking dog had eaten all the god damn hotdogs ( Read more... )