So earlyer this morning I woke up covered in bruises and three of my fingers were broken. I was also wearing an apron, a paper hat and I was very very cold. I don't know what I did these past few days, but whatever it was must have been some strong shit. I wish I had some now in fact. anywho, I soon realized that the apron was that of an ice cream ( Read more... )

I went to texas the other day and everything really is bigger there! Of course, by went to texas I mean that I was imprisoned there and after spending a few nights I was afraid that a certain unmentionable oriface was going to be bigger if I didn't get out. So after clawing my raw bloody fingers through the ground for 3 weeks I finially came out ( Read more... )

So get this, I was walking home from pimping when some guy cloroforms me and next thing I know I'm in some dark grey basement that smells like mildew and dead babies. Iwas also strapped onto some kind of doctors table with my stomache pulled open. There were a few people there who freaked out a little when I woke up and started whistling the theme- ( Read more... )

so, I got mugged by some fat dude with a leather cowboy hat and a machine gun bigger than me. I probably would have tried to stab him or something if I hadn't accidentally eaten four handfulls of ridlin when I thought that the local pharmacy was a candy shop. So, after he took all my money, drugs, and my shirt, I realized how incredibly hungry I ( Read more... )

Of all the unpleasentries that that bank robbing afforded me none were so painfull, persistent, swollen, or oozing with bacterial fluid as the herpes I contracted from kissing ingred. After a heated debate on the subject of the open sores blemishing my otherwise sterling good looks ingred hit me in the head with a boot, one of a pair we had stolen ( Read more... )

Never try to rob banks, especially when everything you know about banks is based on a movie with groucho marx. Ingred, 5 guys we met in a chinese resteraunt/opium house and I went in the bank with our ak 47's and plastic explosive, casuall and everything, but next thing I know the guards have started shooting at us! Blood was flying everywhere and ( Read more... )

This is an ancient thing, its power is indeed primordial.

So being that I had killed Ingred's boyfriend and I had burned down the house I was squatting in during a drunken stupor, Ingred and I needed a place to stay. Up until today, we had been living with the homeless having wild and passionate sex to stay warm. But during one of the scavies ridden orgies, the police came and started spraying everyone ( Read more... )

So I was cruising this bar for some lucky lady to replace my sadly departed wife a couple weeks back, and me and this russian chick really start hitting it off. We both had dead ex's and we were both the cause, for some reason she was really open about it. Then I went off to the bathroom to snort coke off a urinal cake and crap in the sink cause ( Read more... )

I realized that I never did quite live up to the title of this here live journal; Thirteen reasons to kill my wife and children (and bury them in a ditch). So I geuss here it is ( Read more... )