( Read more... )

For a long time I've been getting the beverage of my choice while simultaneously making a hysterical joke by taking a drink noun and adding the word "me" to the end to create a verb phrase. For example if I want a beer I would say "beer me." In Honduras, I would say "Cerveza me." You get the idea (assuming you're not from Honduras, because they ( Read more... )

There is nothing in the world more irreproachable than an exquisitely clean toilet.

Whenever I eat a cheeseburger, I think of where I'll be in ten years. Usually I decide that I'll be eating a better cheeseburger.

It seems to me that this is the best you can hope for.

This weekend, I was drunk and I had the best idea ever: Bacon Perfume. In case it isn't immediately obvious how awesome this idea is just from the title, I'll explain it. What do men crave more than anything else when they're drunk? Obviously enough, the answer is women. Now, what do they want second most? Bacon. Also obvious. Both of these ( Read more... )

I think that this next February is going to be the best Black History Month ever.

Give a woman a compliment, and she'll be happy for a day. Teach her to fish for compliments, and she'll be happy for a lifetime.

Alright, I'm here, now I have to talk to people. It doesn't have to be so difficult, does it? I'm sure I could communicate with these people normally if we talk solely about my dog. Well, here goes nothing."Hey everyone, I brought hummus. I mashed it from chickpeas myself; as a matter of fact, I think I still have some stuck between my toes ( Read more... )

Hey America! Don't miss Fox's new hit reality show, Too Many Babies ( Read more... )

( Read more... )