I'm in some European city by a beach in the passenger seat of a sports car that my mom's driving. There's a small group of children and old women in the road. Mom isn't driving too quickly and she assumes they'll have the good sense to step out of the way, so she doesn't slow down...at least three are caught underneath the wheels of the car.I'm ( Read more... )

People from the past catching up to me. I'm progressing through a series of corridors. Each section goes into lockdown once I've moved into the next. There's a new, unwelcome familiar face in each section. We make heated accusations and then slump into opposite corners crying frantically until the doors open and we're allowed to move on in our ( Read more... )

I am in the back of a cab helping deliver a baby. Melissa's dog Flea is driving. He's standing up like a human with one paw on the accelerator and two upon the steering wheel. He is having trouble seeing where he's going and is accordingly freaked out, but under the circumstances, performs admirably. There are two more cabs following us, they ( Read more... )

I am the guardian of the rings of Saturn.


( Read more... )

I'm watching the news. Jack Black has died under mysterious circumstances but nobody cares because they're too busy covering the world's first breastfeeding man. The footage they show is grotesque yet engrossing and some academic is discussing the science behind it in lay terms. One of the talking heads makes an off-color comment about how Jack ( Read more... )

I'm in a zombie-infested mall. I go through a security door and find myself sitting in a magical forest on what appears to be an enchanted racetrack ( Read more... )

I arrive in Japan. The country is filled exclusively with attractive Japanese girls dressed as Luigi from the Super Mario games. I call Liza to ask for permission but can't reach her, so I decide to cash in my one major screwup in the relationship and play the field. I sit next to a girl at a cafe table and do my best Luigi impersonation. It ( Read more... )

I brush my teeth and notice that there is some nasty residue left remaining in the sink. Seth walks up behind me and I ask him how to get rid of it. He tells me to hock a loogie to plug up the grating, fill the sink with hot water, and then twirl my finger to create a whirlpool. I do all of the steps and comment that it's always good to keep ( Read more... )

George, Elaine, and Jerry (from Seinfeld) are at a fancy restaurant in a mall. Kramer is at a separate table because of a rift that has run through the group. Jerry receives the check, but it's in Dutch...and of course, who is the only one there who knows Dutch? Kramer ( Read more... )

I'm hanging out in the Denver airport with some friends (namely Derek who invited me) over winter break. I run into a guy I haven't talked to since fourth grade, but I probably went to junior high, regular high, and quite possibly college with. His defining characteristic was that he was short. Not midget short, but he was still the short kid. ( Read more... )