Lycanthropy: A Tempest in my Soul

[mishlai]

I'm experiencing a crisis of self.  I'm aware of two factors.  The first is that an increasing awareness of social justice issues is imploding my whole view of the world, and my place in it.  The second is that Aly and I had a talk about the timing of children, which has forced me to realize how unready I am to be Dad, and how conflicted I feel

Comments

[solestria]

No one knows, you know? I mean, really.

Personally, I think it's better to really know that you don't have the answers than to think that you do, when it comes to children (or anything else, really). The parents I've seen who think they know everything--one in particular from my nanny days comes to mind--hurt their kids with their arrogance.

My mom has said that one of the hardest things about being a parent is realizing that no matter what you do, you're going to fuck up your kids. You will, I will, everyone who wants to or has become a parent, is going to fuck up in ways that hurt their kids. We're all human.

None of which means that you are or should be ready now. Just, you know, thoughts. No one's ever really ready for kids (says my mom), you just have them anyway, and you do the best you can; or you an decide you're not ready, and that's absolutely as valid as any other choice. But nobody really has anything figured out, I think.

[mishlai]

Truth, and wisdom, and scariness in here. Thank you.

[bird_mom]

The fact that you are aware of your issues puts you miles ahead of your father. You are also aware of the damage that can be done, but that's a given. Almost everyone gripes about their parents at some time or another, some have more cause than others. When you have an infant who is entirely dependent on you, it does a lot to change your view. Not that you are genius, the best parent that ever lived, but more like, oh crap, I can't fuck up now. If I don't take care of things, who will? At some point, generally when your kids are almost grown, you realize that you haven't been a kid yourself for a long time (and where did the time go anyway???). No one is ever prepared and no one is ever perfect. We do the best we can with the tools we have at our disposal, which is a huge cliche, but it's the truth. We can't be anything but the people we are, flaws and all. I always swore I'd never be like my mother, and sometimes I'm exactly like her - so there you go. Is it a warning? Not so much as admitting that sometimes it's easy to

[mishlai]

Yeah. You know, I think it's realizing in advance that I won't be able to fuck up that makes it scary. I'm long accustomed to some freedom to fuck up.

Acknowledging our own fallibility is huge.

[beizy]

I can totally relate to this, Lance. My husband and I are finally seriously thinking about kids. He is so excited about it. He already has names picked out. I never even considered parenthood until I met him. I'm not sure I am ready to be a mom. I can be remarkably selfish and cold, and even though my parents weren't outright abusive my family has a scrapbook of dysfunction that has seriously damaged the way I formed my adult personality. And I know I can't trust them with my kids, which gives me significant pause. But mostly...I am worried that I won't be good enough for them, because maybe I don't want them as much as my husband does.

[mishlai]

*hugs*, Beizy. You are missed, by the way. So much awesome in one person!

[beizy]

I miss you too! One day I hope I can get back to doing cons...just not in the cards right now. :)

[ext_1380985]

Your father never would have made a post like this; he never would have cared how his actions could have affected anyone else, much less agonized over it. You are not perfect, but you are definitely not Him.

No one is an adult all the time (how boring would that be?), and no one is ever truly ready to be a parent. You learn on the job. You make mistakes; you learn from them. The important question is: are your kids a part of your life, or an interruption to it? Many parents don't really give it any thought, but on some level, the kids always know where they stand.

[mishlai]

That's true, I'm not. It's a low bar, though, and in ways that have often been invisible to me, he has slipped in and shaded my persona. Kim pointed it out as our marriage was disintegrating. At the time I just reacted with indignation (oh, the irony) but years later I've realized that she was right. Not that Kim's shit didn't stink, but every criticism she leveled at me was true when I get really self-honest about it.

"The important question is: are your kids a part of your life, or an interruption to it?"

I love the way you've framed that.

It's also nice, in an odd way, to know that you know who I'm talking about. I find him hard to explain to people.

[padawansguide]

Just the fact that you are even worried about all this shows that you will not make the same mistakes your Dad did. If you decide to have kids, I think you will be great. I'm not sure anyone's ever ready - I think you just have to plunge in at some point.

[mishlai]

Eeek! ; )

Yes, that's true I think. I do think that I can be way more prepared than I am now, and that there will be big gains from the initial efforts. I'm thinking of a y=sqrt(x) graph ; )