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Well, here we are. The last day of Round 1. These two contestants are thoroughly boss, so let's cut right to the chase:

Elizabeth I

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Aw, shit, son! Howard Hughes SCHOOLED the Witch of Wall Street in yesterday's poll, old timey-style. Clearly you were all blinded by his slick look and impressive resume. I BET HE PAID YOU OFF, DIDN'T HE? In any case, Mr. Hughes moves on to the finals, and may very well wind up facing one of today's contestants, who are as follows:

Mark Twain

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So far it's been a terrible day. I had two dreams last night which were extremely traumatic, back to back, and almost identical. As soon as I came to work, it got worse. Days like this need a little something extra. What we need right now is a poll ( Read more... )

Genghis Khan was victorious in the last poll, which I think says a lot about how much everyone hates Colin Farrell with blond hair. Or just Colin Farrell in general. Just sayin'. I think there's only two more on my list before the next round starts, so let's go. Here's another poll, where two of history's most prolific serial killers butt heads in ( Read more... )

I had to go waaaaaay back in time to determine this, but the Mary Celeste/Roanoke Colony poll (remember those?) ended in a narrow win by Roanoke. Way to disappear, guys!

Here's a poll about two dudes who have made a career out of not disappearing in any way, shape, or form, and in fact conquering large tracts of land to prove it:

Alexander the Great

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Many people are unclear about the purpose of these polls and how they should decide their votes. Well, so am I. I created them for fun and with no real rules about whom you should vote for or why. Vote with your heart, people. Vote for the one you think is meaner, or nicer, or better-looking, or had the coolest pop culture references, or would be ( Read more... )

I hit a button somewhere and deleted everything I'd written previously, and now I just don't have the energy to re-write my clever opening. Just vote, and remember that only ONE can survive:

Nikola Tesla

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My boss is on vacation, so I have time for a poll.  Yaaaaaay!  Check this action out:

Vladimir Putin

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It looks like Stalin won yesterday, so good on him for winning that particular Giant Murderous Douchebag award.  Obama's won a Nobel Prize he probably didn't deserve, they're blowing up the moon, Norway continues to be weird, and I'm having a bad day so I'll dispense with the pleasantries and get straight to the meat of the matter.  Which is, of ( Read more... )