I often wonder what people would make of me if they saw my room. If they saw all the little things that make me who I am. I often wonder what people on the street think of me ( Read more... )

I am so fucked up. I hate chaos, but there's this messed up part of me that likes chaos. The panic is this known arena... The comfort in what I know ( Read more... )

Had I known that the pain would never go away, what would I have done ( Read more... )

My brain is all over the map. I was so disassociative in my session today. I was just not feeling like myself... just really void and useless and numb. I feel fat. So fat. I'm eating so much. The drinking has been significantly minimized but I'm just as badly off it seems ( Read more... )

I've become an alcoholic ( Read more... )

I've gained weight and I can't stand it. I almost bought a digital scale and I'm seriously thinking of getting one again. I'm just not able to handle how much I weigh right now. At this point, I feel like I don't even care how much I screw up my metabolism... I just want to be thin again.

I feel so insane right now. I went to the gym the other day and I weighed myself only to realize I lost weight... I SERIOUSLY felt like I had split personality. I started crying - initially because a part of me was scared at going back into the eating disorder, and I didn't want to go there... but the other part of me was crying because my body ( Read more... )

It's 5 am and I can't go back to sleep. Why does this follow me everywhere I go? I want this part of my brain surgically removed ( Read more... )

also...

The only time I feel beautiful is when I'm running, or when I'm exhausted after a run.

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I really want this guy to be the one... I really do. But who knows? That's the scary part. I have no control over whether he will love me for who I am...whether I will love him for who he is. God, I hope some force works for me on this one.

I miss having the weekly meetings @ the ED clinic... I don't know why. I'm not sure it made it any better. But at least it was somewhere I could admit how insane this made me feel. I can eat. I am eating... but I feel psychotic doing it. I feel like the way I eat, how much I think about eating, how much I fear eating is SO CONSUMING ( Read more... )