It's so hard to describe how i feel. During the day it's okay. At night is the problem. At night is when I cry. I can't even cry the way i want cause i have a freakin roommate. Gah. I just want to get away to be alone to cry and i don't know what to think about anymore. Thoughts of all sorts come into my mind my dad, Cesar, guys, sex, a loveless ( Read more... )

I'm sorry for leaving the way i did. I hope you read this. I hope you don't hate me forever. And try cutting me out of you're life like i am doing to you. Because this is the only way i can do this. This is the only way for you to be free from me. There is no other way and I love you so much that I have to just let you be. I have to forget about ( Read more... )

Why did I leave like that. Why did i act like such a kid. I'm not sure. I was angry only because I wanted to be angry. I forced myself to be angry. I'm not an angry person and I certainly don't show it if I am. That was stupid of me. I made it through one day and I still feel horrible. I wish I could to talk to her but that will only make things ( Read more... )

I'm allowed to be angry aren't I. I just don't know exactly how to be angry. Charrise said that I'm gonna wake up one day and realize that it's all behind me, realize that I have nothing to be sad about anymore. I want to realize that now. I know I have other issues we've talked about them before. One day at a time right...

no sex
no presents
no surprises
no genuine affection
no kisses
no genuine love

I'm worth so much more and yet that's what I've put myself through...

What about me? What about giving me attention? I need attention. I want attention. She's not worth all this heartbreak. I can't ever go back to her again. What a cruel way to find out.

Hmm so I cam to the realization that I don't get excited about things. This is after Ruby pointed out to me of course. The last time I was really thrilled and excited is when I played water polo for J-House and we freaking won! Cause of my brilliance. :) It was exhilarating and amazing. The attention I got was absolutely wonderful. I love going to ( Read more... )

I completely changed my schedule overnight! Now I think I want to major in Visual Arts Media!

This could be interesting...

wish me luck!

School is definitely taking a toll on me. I wish I had better study habits. I wish I would go to class more often. I hate going to class. The only classes I really go to are ECE 25 and Spanish. Math and physics well. I just kind of don't go and I hate myself for that, but I find them to be soooo boring. I and not at all helpful. The other thing is ( Read more... )

So I finally made it to the gym... but it's the freakin 4th week of this quarter. I've been saying that I would go. Now that I've gone; I feel better overall but also better today. So I just realized I need to busy myself this summer. Emily is really moving forward in that sense and I want to be kinda like her. I want to be able to find a job this ( Read more... )

friendliness>closeness>attachment>friendliness>distance>detachment>separation

it's like a an upside down parabola...except in my life it's a sine or cosine curve; I never new where it began.