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reflection on 2011
2011 has been a very good year. ray and I have a strong relationship and I love him
more then anything. even if right now we aren't on the best terms which seems to happen every new years I know that there is no one else out there for me.
lots of other good things happened like ray's new job, my promotion, a trip to New York and most importantly of ( Read more... ) -
trust
so I know ray doesn't trust me, and he never will and I can accept that. the thing is though it's frustrating when I know in my heart there is nothing that will come between me and him.
i love him with all my heart, but yet even when I know and even to the point where I make it a point to show nothing is going on it still makes him upset with me.
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Self Sabotage
up until today I never heard of the word self sabotage but I really wish I would of.. and it's exactly what it sounds like, a person sabotaging themselves and in my case I'm sabotaging my happiness. I don't allow myself to be happy and when I am happy I act out to cause anger, pain and discomfort to those around me. It was scary reading through the ( Read more... ) -
good and bad..
I love when things are going so good.. then the bad things happen :( it's just so stupid.
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Random Entry
This relationship has more ups and downs then any rollercoaster. I wish I could finally get off this ride with him and we could go on a carousel instead.. We really need to move.
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Already
after a very emotional Christmas full of painful memories I am at a point of emotional meltdown. Every time I do something thinking it's what I should be doing I go through and fuck it up completely. today was no exception to this rule. I have never questioned my feelings for ray and I never will, but my actions don't show any of this to him and I ( Read more... ) -
Christmas
another Christmas has come and gone.. deff not the best one.. I hate having to relive the bullshit. Christmas will never be the same after last year.
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Better?
Things are slowly starting to feel better. it's so hard for me to understand some of the things he does or says.. inside i do but i can't relate to them knowing that i would never do these things.. i wish i could just trust him like it was in the beginning and not worry about things that i never thought i would have to. i know what i feel for him ( Read more... ) -
Fuck Me
I am so fuckin tired of this shit. I am going to end it all sooner or later if it doesn't stop. And it's not going to be pretty. Fuckin stop this shit. -
hope
I still have hope for Ray and I. I wish at times he could read this journal but I know deep inside that is not a good idea. I just want the lying to stop. I stopped immediately for you the one time I strayed and you have yet to do it for me all the many times you have. what can I do to make you stop?
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