i keep dreaming i go back to college. though this time, i found out i had missed a year because i had been studying abroad, in korea one assumes ( Read more... )

i havent been able to shake this constant sense of doom anxiety. it feels different from depression dread which is also like everyday. but a physical thing, this worry, this stress, this sense of tight dread waiting to fall. i keep thinking dubu is going to die. i keep thinking my dad is going to die. i got a phone call from edo's friend bc her mom ( Read more... )

i derive more pleasure from a fun tweet than a page of screenplay. screenplays are such joyless writing forms. i mean it's the blueprint nature of it i guess? and the time spent down structure/outline pigeonholes? or maybe i just make it joyless. but it's also prob the instant gratification of the tweet. vs a screenplay which is never gratification ( Read more... )

i don't really wanna see minari. i keep thinking of the coda one could append to the end of the film. the kids grows up to be a loser. the whole family end up back in korea. clouds of thick dark hopelessness suffocate them, blind them, dad's in deep mental decline. mom's in a jar. america is a bloated corpse floating out at sea ( Read more... )

dreamt nice warm dreams. it's been a while. tho i think it was rooted in a nostalgia of being around smart interesting people circa college. it was the memory of being drunk at a house party freshman year with some blonde girl from class with her arms wrapped around me and we were talking about what in our minds surely was the very height of ( Read more... )

i've barely been drinking this year by the way. i lose the appetite for it when i find myself repeating too many negative feedback loops. and also it was making me sad how much weight i was gaining back ( Read more... )

there were times in 2016 after i'd wrapped the nazi stories show i'd be out at parties or when i was visiting my family in texas, going about my life in this land of white people. and my inner monologue was the "that guy in the corner at a party" meme. i'm special. i'm secretly a successful tv personality ( Read more... )

my first thought upon waking today was "i should make dinner plans with my mom, i haven't seen her in a while ( Read more... )

btw, i am feeling fine. i mean sad. lots of sad. but i am mostly being productive and isolating and just making steady progress ( Read more... )

you know, i imagine i'll be somewhat depressed for the rest of my life. it's not like there's some sort of magic cure. it just is right ( Read more... )