-
ibogaine
been reading, watching, learning about Ibogaine. As weary as the thought of 10+ hours of hallucinations makes me, the idea of stopping my opiate addiction in its tracks is definitely tantalizing. I'll continue to research more into it. For now, I am not ready to stop the methadone, but it is nice to know that when I am ready to finally go off it, ( Read more... ) -
MMT Blues
Yesterday I went to see my methadone doctor to get a new prescription. It's been almost a year now that I've been doing the MMT (methadone maintenence therapy) and despite all the nasty things I thought and said about it in the past, it truly has been a lifesaver for me this past year ( Read more... ) -
262 Days, 22 hours, and 30 minutes
since I last smoked rock. fuck. even now, when I should feel some sort of pride, I feel nothing but shame and dirtiness. I expect so much more from myself. It had been 12 YEARS since I last touched that drug, and then BAM! one hoot brought it all back and a year of binging later I finally put the pipe down and said enough is enough. now I'm 262 ( Read more... ) -
gags
Getting ready this morning to go my kids school for a meeting, it dawned on me. I mean really fucking made itself clear just how FAT I've gotten. my thigh, twice as large as a regular thigh. gags ( Read more... ) -
reflection.
It feels so good to be able to write again. I've gone the past year and a bit without a computer. When my laptop died, I just didn't think I'd be able to afford a new one. Than last week I go on a mission looking for one and lo and behold, find a perfectly good Gateway tablet PC for $180! shit, if I had known that's all it took I would have gotten ( Read more... ) -
Turtle.
I've pushed everybody away. Made excuses to decline invitations.
I hate what I've become, it's all I can think about.
I just want to hide until I get skinny. -
making excuses.
Days like today, it's pretty hard to get going. My knee locked up again last night, this time worse than usual. Once I finally was able to straighten it, it hurt unbearably. Stairs are a bitch, and just walking around the house seems to be less than desirable ( Read more... ) -
65 Red Roses
The other night while flipping through Netflix, I came upon a documentary called 65_redroses. Now even though I am a sensitive, caring person by nature, lately it has been pretty hard for me to show any outward emotion. Just to test that theory I sat through all 196 episodes of Grey's Anatomy back to back and still could not shed a single tear. ( Read more... )