So, I had the knee surgery last Tuesday.  It's been a journey.

I think I might have fucked myself over in the recovery room when I rated the pain at a 5 or a 6, because when I got home and into bed and the nerve block started to wear off, it was possibly in my top three worst pain I've experienced moments and while I'm not sure I can imagine what ( Read more... )

Sometimes, I just tell myself over and over again that even if I don't know what the other side looks like, I'll get to it.

Some of today's thought experiments/attempts at coping involved writing myself a lengthy essay first listing what I wanted to be feeling about Abundance dating and then listing what I think I am feeling about Abundance dating ( Read more... )

I swear some part of me thinks "you know what would make this emotionally difficult situation even more fun?  disordered eating and fucked up sleep.

I'm still not through the panicky feelings when Abundance is on a date, I just move through this series of what is he going to do, what is he doing, what did he do and is he going to tell me about it ( Read more... )

 So far, for the most part, Abundance has been having his dates on Friday nights.  He's probably right when he says they're the least disruptive day and I know that there's not a day of the week I'd be more comfortable with.  He asks me sometimes if schedule-things are okay, and I never know how to answer that.  For the moment, I'll fall back on ( Read more... )

  Once again, I'm sure that my inability to retain things that happen or get thought during moments of emotional distress is the closest thing to agnostic mercy my brain can manufacture.   But sometimes the whole "oh, right, this" makes me feel like I'm never going to learn anything, never going to get better, for whatever value of better I'm ( Read more... )

Time for one of those entries that if I do too much editing, I'm just going to delete it, which maybe means I shouldn't post, but here goes.

As I suspect so many did, I shut down a bunch during the pandemic (not that I believe it's over now). It's more likely that I shut down pre-pandemic, conserving energy for surgery, for moving, for the ( Read more... )

 And now I have another tattoo.  Well, two, but one is super-tiny.  I got that beastie from the Dorothea Tanning painting that's been with me (emotionally) for 25 years now, and a couple waves in my ear.  While I've always thought of the beastie as protective, and very closely intertwined with my feelings about Funnyface, getting the tattoo ( Read more... )

 Abundance's on a date, third week in a row.  Not handling it well, kind of just want to run out of tears and hit the numb other side.   Not sure what I'm afraid of, keep trying to get to the bottom of it and there's just more sad and scared underneath.  Am I afraid of being left? Probably, but isn't everyone?  And I'm guessing I'm equally ( Read more... )

Saturday, I was seized with the intense desire to try to make a swiss roll cake.   I however apparently either lost my jelly roll pan or completely imagined acquiring it.  The later is more likely, because I thought I'd bought one during the apocalypse from King Arthur, but none of my emails indicate that I did so.  So I went to BB&B, walked in, ( Read more... )

 what is this sick/sinking feeling I feel when I hear about things other people are doing?  it's not pandemic-specific, it happened before, I think maybe pandemic gave me a respite, or the opportunity to be judgmental instead of jealous?   We affectionately mock Nonsense sometimes for being A Participatory Hound, by which we mean she always wants ( Read more... )