I found a new zen. I have longed for years to have a consuming project. Something that is comprised of many little projects. I thought I would find it in a project car. But that never worked out. I found it today. In a ShopSmith 10ER SN 17758. I have zenned to refinishing furniture, and this started like that. I stripped the table. Sanded the table ( Read more... )

Through the pandemic, I have been able to live in my quiet, happy, little world. I have enjoyed more time at home, household projects, organizing, more time for exercise, and many more things. I have enjoyed nonexpectatuon to go places, including inside stores or restaurants. Yes, I put off some medical stuff, but that was almost more for work than ( Read more... )

I'm back. What does that really mean? It means that I'm lost. It means that I need an outlet to compile my thoughts and create a path to follow. It finally occurred to me...well, I'm still trying to deny it. I still leave the out by starting with "maybe" or "I think." I think I have fallen in love with a man that is mentally incapable of providing ( Read more... )

I never used to understand stories about how people could become emotionally paralyzed after the loss of a child to the point of not being able to care for their other children appropriately. I understand now. I still take care of my children. Not as well as I should but I still let them know that I love them.

I haven't cried today. And I only ( Read more... )

I'm so sorry I didn't save your life. That was my job and I failed you.

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I used to tell her most days that I wasn't ready to let go of her.

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I post here to release my thoughts that haunt me. I trust my friends here to be able to handle it. I assume others read so it's like getting it out but without the need to explain myself.
My period was 4 days late from its normal day of arrival. I did implants last year so pregnancy is unlikely but since I haven't been tested it might be possible. ( Read more... )

Every day I drive Katie to school, I see buses and think about Beth. I remember how she was excited to ride the bus and how sometimes she hated it. Last year, she lost so much weight that the bus ride hurt. She would cry the whole trip so we started driving her instead. She suffered and overcame so much.

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I think I'm starting to understand my sister more now. I wander away to my room when I have people over socially and stay there. After a bit, I return to the group. My sister does this a lot.
I prefer to be in my room. I don't mind when people are here with me I just feel safer here.

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So many people are aware that they really can't relate. What they don't know is that not only did I lose my child but it's my fault. No, it's not my fault that she had Pearson's. But it is my fault that I didn't take her to the hospital on Monday when she had a fever. And it is my fault that I went home Wednesday night when she was so lethargic ( Read more... )