A good friend told me this is detox.

[perfect_mayhem]

Im not starting my entry out with writing today. Im not feeling all that inspired. I was hurting people. I didnt see it. I didnt know it. I just thought...that they didnt know. They knew all along, they were watching me slowly kill myself. Popping pills like fucking skittles as everyone around me cringes in fear? Is that really who I have become?

Comments

[lifeacid]

What's beautiful about quitting is that, once you decide you actually want to do it, it means you're ready to face life on your own. I think that substance abuse is simply one way to deal with things without realizing it, rather than running away as many people so nonchalantly put it. But, once you're ready to quit, and once you've got friends helping you quit, it's good. I wouldn't be ready to quit what I do, though I haven't done it in a while, because it would mean implying that I would be giving it up forever. But then, I've never done any substance so consistently that I've had to detox, other than alcohol, and that wasn't even that bad. But even once I did detox I didn't quit. I still drink sometimes, I just control it now. But I did have to detox first. And I did oxy, but that started to fuck with my stomach so bad i couldn't even go a day without feeling sick. Though the high was amazing, apparently equivalent to heroin, I wanted to live rather than have the drug live for me, you know? So I haven't done that in at least two

[perfect_mayhem]

I wasn't ready to face life on my own, that's the problem. I knew this was going to happen. I knew I couldnt handle this. I was doing so well until last night. I caved. I didnt want to remember what I was remembering. Let me explain a little. I have severe memory loss from having seizures. Lucky enough for me, my mind protects me. I forget painful times in my life, things I couldnt normally handle. I dont know why this is, but I have never really complained about it before. I started memory treatments about 9 months ago, and that's also when I started becoming dependant on the pills. I don't want to remember those things, I want to keep them locked away in a part of my brain that no longer works. When I started to sober up..it started coming back to me. I broke. I failed. I..gave up. I tried, but I guess I just didnt try hard enough. Im just not strong enough to face my own life. What happens now? I mean, I have just realized that I cant face the life I have made for myself over the last 20 years. I don't know where to go from here. I

[lifeacid]

Let me know how you're doing, doll. I care about you, even if we are only internet friends.

[perfect_mayhem]

Im sorry I havent been updating. Ill update soon, I promise :)

[sknegrlctrl]

So this is detox.. and this is how you feel? Ugh. IM EXTREMELY PROUD of YOU and AMAZED by YOU. Well done

[perfect_mayhem]

Don't be amazed by me. There is no reason. I failed. You guys and my friends had so much faith in me, and Im sorry that I let you down. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I let myself down. Im afraid that everyone is going to walk out. They probably will and I will have no one to blame but myself. I did this to me, and it's not fair to put anyone else threw this. I want to keep part of the things in my brain locked away for good. It's not easy to do that sober. I need to keep myself in a constant state of obliteration to keep up the level of forgetting I have worked so hard to achieve. I have suppressed so many things into that little corner of my brain, and when Im high..I dont even think about it. Or..I think about it less, and it's so much easier to handle. I don't want to feel real emotions. I never have. I have always been so carefree and 'one of the guys' and I want things to stay that way. It took 42 hours of being sober to realize..this is just who I am. Im not strong enough to handle these things and Im not strong

[wakinghearts]

Aw hun! That sounds awful! I'm really proud of you for stopping the pills, you are not selfish at all or you wouldn't be able to recognize that you may be hurting others than just yourself. I'm here if you need anything! email, messaging, whatever!
Love you!!!
xx

[perfect_mayhem]

Thanks for the support but there is no reason to be proud of me. Eh. I failed. I appreciate you believing in me though :)