My intention is to live from the inside out, again. I remember that.

Right now, I have so much of my book in my thoughts. I'm at a pivotal scene with cringe potential, and I'm remembering how hard it is for me to sow discord. I like to puzzle solve, knot untie, blend together, fix problems. But someone has to write problems for the story and it ( Read more... )

 I woke up at about 2 or 3am last night and didnt sleep for a few hours. Today my joints ache and I'm tired. Still, I finished assembling the dog staircase to the bed, for Marie. Now I just need to carry the mattress I'd been using as a step for her, down three flights of stairs and into the dumpster. Maybe tomorrow, I am so tired.

I miss it a lot.

Today is the second to last day of the year. The wind this morning was strong, I could feel it moving the building.

( Read more... )

This isn't where I thought I'd be at 39 years old. By which, I mean I thought I'd be long dead by now. So, I'm doing great. My skin is different, yes there are wrinkles. I am hyper aware of them. My body isn't the same but it's close enough that all of my clothes still fit. I have a jacket from when I was 17. Pants from my early 20s. No one hits on ( Read more... )

It's got me today. The void. Cold over my shoulder and damp under my socks, humming like electricity in my ear.

Winter is always hard, anyway. I take the vitamins. So much time, free time, I could do anything but I'm depleted and quiet. I feel her absence.

I'm dreaming again, at least. Shifting back into my own form, not stretching to fit ( Read more... )

I dyed my hair blue. I'm painting a portrait. I'm trying to sign my lease but I'm so dizzy from the last month that my hand's unsteady, so to speak. I'm sleeping in but still tired, sad.

I can't decide if I want to go out on a date with someone new or just keep being sad for a while. Marie has a "mom" button and uses it to get my attention. She's ( Read more... )

I want someone to heap love upon like snow in a blizzard. I want to compliment what amazes me about them, I want to give them little presents that I hope they will enjoy, remember details about them, get to know them better than I’ve ever known anyone else. I want to cuddle with them all of the time. Fall sleep together. Tell them I love them, and ( Read more... )

Miles into wilder places ( Read more... )

This morning, we woke up at 6:45 and I let Marie out of her kennel bed. She was already awake but still chilling in there quietly. Sometimes she gets out of her kennel bed and gets my help jumping up into my bed and cuddles and sleeps with me for a little while longer which I was hoping she'd do today since it's Saturday and we have plenty of time ( Read more... )

I’m laying on my small sofa, under my very small dog as she naps. Yesterday was one month of us being together, and we went to a park where she played on some rocks at the lakes shoreline before suddenly turning to the water and jumping in. I let her because she had her harness and leash on and I like for her to live her life. She was as surprised ( Read more... )