Did yoga before bed, which maybe helped with sleeping the whole night. Woke up at 8am, the sun was shining through the skylight and Marie was quietly watching me, ready to wake up but being polite.

Somehow it's 12:38 now. I drank some coffee, got her breakfast, played toys with her a little. Did a workout with my little 2lb weights, need to get ( Read more... )

It's almost bed time so I'd better write for the day. Why do I feel like a 60 year old grandma, as a 39 year old single woman without kids? Maybe I'm thinking of my grandmothers, when I knew them. I would have been very young so they could have been around my age. Funny how important role models can be. How damaging the lack of them.

I'm ( Read more... )

I am actually not doing great again! Mushrooms were helpful but they can only affect your mindset, not your life circumstances. While I'm thrilled with most of my life, that recent mindfuck of a non relationship really hurt me a lot. It wasted half a year of one of the best years of my life, took so much time and energy, damaged my favorite holiday ( Read more... )

She says you're not supposed to tell people everything. You should write it down, sort it out. I've always tried. But it's embarrassing to have feelings.

God knows, the universe knows, if you came back right now I would try again. If you called, I would answer. I know you won't.  I should have the power to will into existence but I don't. If ( Read more... )

   I do hope I get to live my cottagecore dream before WW3. I try not to buy into the conspiracies, but the drones are more likely to be Chinese than alien origin and what if they are too well defended for us to remove, which is why we embarrassedly refused to acknowledge where they are from or really even do anything about them? That would be a ( Read more... )

 What is it I need? Is it dopamine? Oxytocin?

Detoxing usually doesn't take this long. I asked an AI version of a therapist what I should do. The digital mirror version of humanity told me that I'm right about having fearful avoidant attachment style and I should, in fact, stay away from him. The black hole which sucks up all of our ( Read more... )

 My intention is to live from the inside out, again. I remember that.

Right now, I have so much of my book in my thoughts. I'm at a pivotal scene with cringe potential, and I'm remembering how hard it is for me to sow discord. I like to puzzle solve, knot untie, blend together, fix problems. But someone has to write problems for the story and it ( Read more... )

 I woke up at about 2 or 3am last night and didnt sleep for a few hours. Today my joints ache and I'm tired. Still, I finished assembling the dog staircase to the bed, for Marie. Now I just need to carry the mattress I'd been using as a step for her, down three flights of stairs and into the dumpster. Maybe tomorrow, I am so tired.

I miss it a lot.

Today is the second to last day of the year. The wind this morning was strong, I could feel it moving the building.

( Read more... )

This isn't where I thought I'd be at 39 years old. By which, I mean I thought I'd be long dead by now. So, I'm doing great. My skin is different, yes there are wrinkles. I am hyper aware of them. My body isn't the same but it's close enough that all of my clothes still fit. I have a jacket from when I was 17. Pants from my early 20s. No one hits on ( Read more... )