The mother of all RP horror stories, Part IX
Previous Parts: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII
I originally intended this to be the last part, but it got so long I decided it was better to split it in half. So there are now TEN parts to Day 1.
Part IX is where things start to go from mock-worthy to flat out rage-inducing. Expect a lot more capslock abuse and a lot less .giffing in this and especially the next installment. We'll go back to a more hilarious kind of fail when Day 2 starts, I promise. But until then, please bear with me as our little friend here brings new meaning to the word horror in "RP horror story."
As I sat before my computer screen staring at the chat window, I did not relish what I had to do next. That uncomfortable and turned off feeling I had way back when I asked for the break had returned, and it was worse than ever. We'd spent an entire day trying to agree on something and in spite of my best efforts, I couldn't find appeal in this one plot she was dead set on doing. It'd had that appeal for a short while when I was thinking about the premise of Rasu as a bodyguard for someone. I genuinely did like that idea. Then we started talking about Yuna again and the setting and suddenly I remembered why I'd twice wanted so much to get us workshopping something else.
I was also really not a fan of her blowing off all the contradictions like it was something to laugh about. It's annoying to find problem after problem cropping up and have the one responsible constantly shrugging it off as though none of it is important. I don't like having my concerns dismissed and trivialized as though they're joke material.
Bottom line, I was not going to enjoy playing with this girl. There was no longer any doubt, any hope, or any capacity to compromise. It. Was. Not. Going. To Work.
I still extended her the absolute benefit of the doubt that she was so socially inept that she hadn't understood my multiple signals that I was dissatisfied with the idea. I realize now this was foolish, but at the time, she just seemed like an unbelievably dense RPer who had been trying as hard as I'd been but who really needed to be told directly and maturely about my feelings and intentions. It was time to cut our losses and give up.
[redacted]: I'm not even sure exactly what you want me to tell you, because I don't tend to think out every nuance to the character's personality before I actually play them.
[redacted]: I have enough to go on for the stuff we'd do within the first part -- Yuna's not gonna open up and show Rasu his deepest secrets right off, after all.
Izumiz Angel: No, of course not. But I think it might be best if we resign the idea. I don't think I'm going to be as good an RP buddy for you as I thought, and I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time and energy today.
[redacted]:...What? Why?
[redacted]: Because I don't have an intimate knowledge of my character before ever playing him?
[redacted]: Because he seems like that stereotypical uke I said I hate? He's more than that, and I'd like to show that rather than feel pressured into coming up with everything right off, when it won't even matter until later on.
[redacted]: I've been really trying to work with you here, but things keep setting you off, and I'm not sure what to think. :-X I'm doing my best with what I have, and just when it seems we're getting somewhere, you've got another issue with something.
Where do we even begin? All right, how about with the most obvious: another refusal to acknowledge my feelings or my decision-- let alone accept them. Another insistence that her shell of a character is SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT I PROMISE JUST LET ME RP HIM SOME PLZZZZZZZ. Another guilt-trip that portrays me as the one who's been unreasonable and impossible to work with. A complaint that I'M PRESSURING HER to... you know what? Screw this. There's so much crap in these few lines let's just break it down one piece at a time.
"...What? Why?"
Because you are deliberately ignoring everything I say whether it's a problem with the game, a need to step away and think, or dissatisfaction with all the holes in your ideas and explanations. Because you aren't letting me have any say in the characters or setting. Because this doesn't sound like fun to me and I don't want to do it. Because I'm more and more unenthusiastic about every added development. Because we don't seem to have any chemistry or common ground in what we like and want. Because I am very uncomfortable with this conversation and the game you want to play.
"Because I don't have an intimate knowledge of my character before ever playing him?"
Hilarious. You'd think I was demanding to know the length of his toenails. No, you don't need an intimate knowledge of your character. But I DO expect a player to have some basic idea who her character is. And I expect it to be compatible with A) itself and B) the history and environment in which the character has been placed. As it stands, the nature of the premise means that Yuna is:
-both required to "put out" to his owner's customers and not.
-both not seeking to actively run off and in need of someone to make sure he doesn't try to run off.
-both kept there against his will and kept there by his own code of morals.
-both financially indebted to a crime lord (to whom he acts like an asshole, throws destructive tantrums, and demands special exception to his job requirements) and... under no threat of becoming more trouble than he's worth TO this crime lord who owns him!
Speaking of that guy, let's not forget that Yuna's owner is:
-both objectifying Yuna as property to be shared with others and considering him such a valuable and important treasure that abducting and breaking him is a worthwhile form of revenge.
-both wanting to avoid Yuna getting damaged or throwing tantrums and... leaving him in the environment which is creating the damage and tantrums (finding a different use for him is clearly out of the question).
-both the leader of a gang and unable to maintain order or control at the site of this damage, the club he owns-- THE HOME BASE OF HIS OWN TURF.
-both owed a great sum of money from Yuna and sacrificing even MORE MONEY to him by hiring this full-time bodyguard!
-both in a position of power over Yuna and a completely submissive pansy against the threat of Yuna's tantrums.
-both the leader of a gang... and a completely submissive pansy against the threat of Yuna's tantrums!
And Yuna himself is:
-both an overly-feminized pretty boy and not that girly.
-both resentful of this feminization and deliberately reinforcing it.
-both driven nuts by not having control and in love with having it taken away from him.
-both angst-ridden because he's been physically and sexually abused and possessing a sexual kink for HAVING EXACTLY THAT DONE TO HIM.
-both emotionally unstable because of all this angst and "calmer" (when not performing his "act").
-both layered beyond description and lacking any real development (but I swear if you just let me play him all of those layers will magically appear-- they're like fairies! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE).
So basically, the only thing that IS consistent here is that everything lacks even the slightest bit of sense! And now you want to cry persecution because you "don't have an intimate knowledge of [your] character?" No, try "don't have more than a name and a flimsy premise!"
"Because he seems like that stereotypical uke I said I hate?"
YOU'RE MISSING THE OTHER HALF, DEAR. I contacted you because the claims you made were things I agreed with. THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
"He's more than that..."
Let me explain something to you.
You seem to be confused about how the element of fiction known as "character" works. Yes, there ARE some characters that are genuine paradoxes: characters who are so complex and layered and contradictory that writing them accurately can prove a very demanding task. In fact, I write such a character myself-- his name is Omi.
BUT!
For these characters to succeed, the contradictions have to follow an intelligible pattern. If you don't know when each half of the contradiction is active and why, you go from having a character that's complicated to simply having a character that's lacking any sense of definition. A writer who can explain her character's contradictions in a coherent fashion has something workable. That's very different from spouting off a series of mutually exclusive character traits, putting no more thought into it than the excuse, "he's layered," and trusting that it will all make sense in the game. NO. GOOD WRITING IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. YOU DO IN FACT HAVE TO HAVE SOME CLUE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
You can start with a layered and contradictory character that you can explain, OR you can start with a simple character sketch that you can't give psych lectures on yet-- but plan to flesh out into layers and a series of logical contradictions as you play. You can't start with a layered and contradictory character that you also can't explain. Because if you can't explain the layers, THEY PROBABLY DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST!
And while we're on the subject of characters! It's ok for characters to change in the story, and it's ok for their development to take unexpected turns. But if you can never say "My character wouldn't do this," THEN YOU'VE GOT A VERY BIG PROBLEM. You boasted at the start of this conversation that you have no trouble making your characters react the way you want them to. That doesn't mean that you have phenomenal writing skills. It means that you don't recognize the uniqueness of characters' natures and play out whatever you want through them whether it makes sense for their characters or not! That's not a developed character-- that's a literary dildo on legs!
And in hindsight, this attitude sheds so much light on why you had such a problem accepting my refusals to put Rasu in a completely inapposite role.
"...and I'd like to show that"
And I'd like to show you that I'm good at writing the fandom characters I play! Double standard much?
"...rather than feel pressured into coming up with everything right off, when it won't even matter until later on."
......................
OHHHHHHHHH! YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL PRESSURED TO COME UP WITH EVERYTHING RIGHT OFF! HOW THOUGHTLESS OF ME!
WHO ASKED FOR THE BREAK HOURS AGO BECAUSE SHE FELT PRESSURED FOR ANSWERS AND NEEDED TIME TO SORT THEM OUT?! THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I DON'T LIKE FEELING PRESSURED EITHER. OH BOO HOO, POOR YOU. I SHOULD TOTALLY FEEL HORRIBLE BECAUSE I'M "PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOU"-- HOW UNFAIR!-- TO HAVE THE SLIGHEST COMPREHENSION WHO YOUR CHARACTER IS. MEANWHILE, IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY FOR YOU TO KEEP PUSHING FOR ANSWERS WHEN I ASK FOR A BREAK, DRIVE THE PLOTTING IN A DIRECTION I'VE REPEATEDLY SAID I DON'T WANT OR LIKE, AND TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN EVIL AND SUPER-PICKY BITCH WHO WON'T GIVE YOUR CHARACTER A CHANCE WHEN I TRY TO SHUT IT DOWN! GO DIE IN FIRE.
"I've been really trying to work with you here, but things keep setting you off, and I'm not sure what to think. :-X I'm doing my best with what I have, and just when it seems we're getting somewhere, you've got another issue with something."
This is such an obnoxious, manipulative reversal! "I'm being such a NICE plotting buddy, and I'm trying so hard but nothing is pleasing you. Every time I think things are going ok you've got another problem. Why are you so unreasonable and difficult?"
HOW DARE YOU SAY THIS TO ME. I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR HOW WRONG AND TWISTED THIS IS. WAIT. YES I DO. LET ME PARAPHRASE YOUR REAL ATTITUDE FOR YOU:
"YOU MAKE ALL THE CONCESSIONS. YOU AGREE TO ALL OF MY TERMS. YOU FIND A WAY TO MAKE THE ONE CHARACTER YOU'RE LEFT WITH FIT IN THE ROLE I WANT HIM TO HAVE. YOU WRITE ALL THE HARD PARTS FOR ME. MAKE SURE THEY'RE EVIL TOO. ALL THE CONTRADICTIONS BELONG TO MY CHARACTER, NOT ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS DOESN'T SOUND FUN? IT'S YOUR FAULT IF THIS ISN'T WORKING."
Do you have ANY sense of personal accountability here?! Can you honestly not own up to the fact you've SHOEHORNED this entire plot into front and center, rejected every possible alternative, ignored me every time I say I want something different, AND NOW YOU'RE COMPLAINING THAT I STILL HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT?
If by "trying to work with me" you mean "trying to whip me into submission," then you have a valid statement! If by "things keep setting me off" you mean "I keep thinking of new reasons this game I made clear ages ago I didn't want is still a bad idea," then you have a valid statement! If by "doing your best with what you have" you mean "doing your best to accommodate my own silly musts while keeping the options restricted TO THIS ONE PLOT," then you have a valid statement!
BUT DO NOT BITCH AT ME THAT SOMETHING I DIDN'T LIKE THREE HOURS AGO I--SURPRISE-- STILL DON'T LIKE NOW. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL WRITING SLAVE. YOU DON'T WANT TO RP-- YOU WANT SOMEONE TO WRITE ALL THE HARD PARTS OF YOUR SHITTY OC FICTION FOR YOU. FUCK OFF.
I only WISH I'd had the clarity of mind to say all of this when it was actually RELEVANT! Unfortunately, since I didn't give myself that break I asked for-- even in spite of her efforts to control my actions so that I stayed right there and talking to her-- I never got a chance to get my thoughts together, and the discomfort and aversion I couldn't articulate built up again. Which meant she was then able to abase me into the belief that because I didn't have any issues I could pinpoint, I was unjustified in wanting to say no.
THIS FILLS ME WITH SO MUCH RAGE NOW THAT THERE IS NOT A FONT SIZE LARGE ENOUGH FOR IT. "I DON'T WANT TO" IS ALL THE REASON ANYONE EVER NEEDS TO SAY NO TO RP.
PERIOD!
RAGE! Rage Rage Rage! Someone give me a good ANGRYFACE picture because I have NOTHING ADEQUATE for this level of FUCKERY. >(
Or read on for Part X
I originally intended this to be the last part, but it got so long I decided it was better to split it in half. So there are now TEN parts to Day 1.
Part IX is where things start to go from mock-worthy to flat out rage-inducing. Expect a lot more capslock abuse and a lot less .giffing in this and especially the next installment. We'll go back to a more hilarious kind of fail when Day 2 starts, I promise. But until then, please bear with me as our little friend here brings new meaning to the word horror in "RP horror story."
As I sat before my computer screen staring at the chat window, I did not relish what I had to do next. That uncomfortable and turned off feeling I had way back when I asked for the break had returned, and it was worse than ever. We'd spent an entire day trying to agree on something and in spite of my best efforts, I couldn't find appeal in this one plot she was dead set on doing. It'd had that appeal for a short while when I was thinking about the premise of Rasu as a bodyguard for someone. I genuinely did like that idea. Then we started talking about Yuna again and the setting and suddenly I remembered why I'd twice wanted so much to get us workshopping something else.
I was also really not a fan of her blowing off all the contradictions like it was something to laugh about. It's annoying to find problem after problem cropping up and have the one responsible constantly shrugging it off as though none of it is important. I don't like having my concerns dismissed and trivialized as though they're joke material.
Bottom line, I was not going to enjoy playing with this girl. There was no longer any doubt, any hope, or any capacity to compromise. It. Was. Not. Going. To Work.
I still extended her the absolute benefit of the doubt that she was so socially inept that she hadn't understood my multiple signals that I was dissatisfied with the idea. I realize now this was foolish, but at the time, she just seemed like an unbelievably dense RPer who had been trying as hard as I'd been but who really needed to be told directly and maturely about my feelings and intentions. It was time to cut our losses and give up.
[redacted]: I'm not even sure exactly what you want me to tell you, because I don't tend to think out every nuance to the character's personality before I actually play them.
[redacted]: I have enough to go on for the stuff we'd do within the first part -- Yuna's not gonna open up and show Rasu his deepest secrets right off, after all.
Izumiz Angel: No, of course not. But I think it might be best if we resign the idea. I don't think I'm going to be as good an RP buddy for you as I thought, and I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time and energy today.
[redacted]:...What? Why?
[redacted]: Because I don't have an intimate knowledge of my character before ever playing him?
[redacted]: Because he seems like that stereotypical uke I said I hate? He's more than that, and I'd like to show that rather than feel pressured into coming up with everything right off, when it won't even matter until later on.
[redacted]: I've been really trying to work with you here, but things keep setting you off, and I'm not sure what to think. :-X I'm doing my best with what I have, and just when it seems we're getting somewhere, you've got another issue with something.
Where do we even begin? All right, how about with the most obvious: another refusal to acknowledge my feelings or my decision-- let alone accept them. Another insistence that her shell of a character is SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT I PROMISE JUST LET ME RP HIM SOME PLZZZZZZZ. Another guilt-trip that portrays me as the one who's been unreasonable and impossible to work with. A complaint that I'M PRESSURING HER to... you know what? Screw this. There's so much crap in these few lines let's just break it down one piece at a time.
"...What? Why?"
Because you are deliberately ignoring everything I say whether it's a problem with the game, a need to step away and think, or dissatisfaction with all the holes in your ideas and explanations. Because you aren't letting me have any say in the characters or setting. Because this doesn't sound like fun to me and I don't want to do it. Because I'm more and more unenthusiastic about every added development. Because we don't seem to have any chemistry or common ground in what we like and want. Because I am very uncomfortable with this conversation and the game you want to play.
"Because I don't have an intimate knowledge of my character before ever playing him?"
Hilarious. You'd think I was demanding to know the length of his toenails. No, you don't need an intimate knowledge of your character. But I DO expect a player to have some basic idea who her character is. And I expect it to be compatible with A) itself and B) the history and environment in which the character has been placed. As it stands, the nature of the premise means that Yuna is:
-both required to "put out" to his owner's customers and not.
-both not seeking to actively run off and in need of someone to make sure he doesn't try to run off.
-both kept there against his will and kept there by his own code of morals.
-both financially indebted to a crime lord (to whom he acts like an asshole, throws destructive tantrums, and demands special exception to his job requirements) and... under no threat of becoming more trouble than he's worth TO this crime lord who owns him!
Speaking of that guy, let's not forget that Yuna's owner is:
-both objectifying Yuna as property to be shared with others and considering him such a valuable and important treasure that abducting and breaking him is a worthwhile form of revenge.
-both wanting to avoid Yuna getting damaged or throwing tantrums and... leaving him in the environment which is creating the damage and tantrums (finding a different use for him is clearly out of the question).
-both the leader of a gang and unable to maintain order or control at the site of this damage, the club he owns-- THE HOME BASE OF HIS OWN TURF.
-both owed a great sum of money from Yuna and sacrificing even MORE MONEY to him by hiring this full-time bodyguard!
-both in a position of power over Yuna and a completely submissive pansy against the threat of Yuna's tantrums.
-both the leader of a gang... and a completely submissive pansy against the threat of Yuna's tantrums!
And Yuna himself is:
-both an overly-feminized pretty boy and not that girly.
-both resentful of this feminization and deliberately reinforcing it.
-both driven nuts by not having control and in love with having it taken away from him.
-both angst-ridden because he's been physically and sexually abused and possessing a sexual kink for HAVING EXACTLY THAT DONE TO HIM.
-both emotionally unstable because of all this angst and "calmer" (when not performing his "act").
-both layered beyond description and lacking any real development (but I swear if you just let me play him all of those layers will magically appear-- they're like fairies! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE).
So basically, the only thing that IS consistent here is that everything lacks even the slightest bit of sense! And now you want to cry persecution because you "don't have an intimate knowledge of [your] character?" No, try "don't have more than a name and a flimsy premise!"
"Because he seems like that stereotypical uke I said I hate?"
YOU'RE MISSING THE OTHER HALF, DEAR. I contacted you because the claims you made were things I agreed with. THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
"He's more than that..."
Let me explain something to you.
You seem to be confused about how the element of fiction known as "character" works. Yes, there ARE some characters that are genuine paradoxes: characters who are so complex and layered and contradictory that writing them accurately can prove a very demanding task. In fact, I write such a character myself-- his name is Omi.
BUT!
For these characters to succeed, the contradictions have to follow an intelligible pattern. If you don't know when each half of the contradiction is active and why, you go from having a character that's complicated to simply having a character that's lacking any sense of definition. A writer who can explain her character's contradictions in a coherent fashion has something workable. That's very different from spouting off a series of mutually exclusive character traits, putting no more thought into it than the excuse, "he's layered," and trusting that it will all make sense in the game. NO. GOOD WRITING IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. YOU DO IN FACT HAVE TO HAVE SOME CLUE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
You can start with a layered and contradictory character that you can explain, OR you can start with a simple character sketch that you can't give psych lectures on yet-- but plan to flesh out into layers and a series of logical contradictions as you play. You can't start with a layered and contradictory character that you also can't explain. Because if you can't explain the layers, THEY PROBABLY DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST!
And while we're on the subject of characters! It's ok for characters to change in the story, and it's ok for their development to take unexpected turns. But if you can never say "My character wouldn't do this," THEN YOU'VE GOT A VERY BIG PROBLEM. You boasted at the start of this conversation that you have no trouble making your characters react the way you want them to. That doesn't mean that you have phenomenal writing skills. It means that you don't recognize the uniqueness of characters' natures and play out whatever you want through them whether it makes sense for their characters or not! That's not a developed character-- that's a literary dildo on legs!
And in hindsight, this attitude sheds so much light on why you had such a problem accepting my refusals to put Rasu in a completely inapposite role.
"...and I'd like to show that"
And I'd like to show you that I'm good at writing the fandom characters I play! Double standard much?
"...rather than feel pressured into coming up with everything right off, when it won't even matter until later on."
......................
OHHHHHHHHH! YOU DON'T WANT TO FEEL PRESSURED TO COME UP WITH EVERYTHING RIGHT OFF! HOW THOUGHTLESS OF ME!
WHO ASKED FOR THE BREAK HOURS AGO BECAUSE SHE FELT PRESSURED FOR ANSWERS AND NEEDED TIME TO SORT THEM OUT?! THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I DON'T LIKE FEELING PRESSURED EITHER. OH BOO HOO, POOR YOU. I SHOULD TOTALLY FEEL HORRIBLE BECAUSE I'M "PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOU"-- HOW UNFAIR!-- TO HAVE THE SLIGHEST COMPREHENSION WHO YOUR CHARACTER IS. MEANWHILE, IT'S COMPLETELY OKAY FOR YOU TO KEEP PUSHING FOR ANSWERS WHEN I ASK FOR A BREAK, DRIVE THE PLOTTING IN A DIRECTION I'VE REPEATEDLY SAID I DON'T WANT OR LIKE, AND TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN EVIL AND SUPER-PICKY BITCH WHO WON'T GIVE YOUR CHARACTER A CHANCE WHEN I TRY TO SHUT IT DOWN! GO DIE IN FIRE.
"I've been really trying to work with you here, but things keep setting you off, and I'm not sure what to think. :-X I'm doing my best with what I have, and just when it seems we're getting somewhere, you've got another issue with something."
This is such an obnoxious, manipulative reversal! "I'm being such a NICE plotting buddy, and I'm trying so hard but nothing is pleasing you. Every time I think things are going ok you've got another problem. Why are you so unreasonable and difficult?"
HOW DARE YOU SAY THIS TO ME. I DO NOT EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR HOW WRONG AND TWISTED THIS IS. WAIT. YES I DO. LET ME PARAPHRASE YOUR REAL ATTITUDE FOR YOU:
"YOU MAKE ALL THE CONCESSIONS. YOU AGREE TO ALL OF MY TERMS. YOU FIND A WAY TO MAKE THE ONE CHARACTER YOU'RE LEFT WITH FIT IN THE ROLE I WANT HIM TO HAVE. YOU WRITE ALL THE HARD PARTS FOR ME. MAKE SURE THEY'RE EVIL TOO. ALL THE CONTRADICTIONS BELONG TO MY CHARACTER, NOT ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS DOESN'T SOUND FUN? IT'S YOUR FAULT IF THIS ISN'T WORKING."
Do you have ANY sense of personal accountability here?! Can you honestly not own up to the fact you've SHOEHORNED this entire plot into front and center, rejected every possible alternative, ignored me every time I say I want something different, AND NOW YOU'RE COMPLAINING THAT I STILL HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT?
If by "trying to work with me" you mean "trying to whip me into submission," then you have a valid statement! If by "things keep setting me off" you mean "I keep thinking of new reasons this game I made clear ages ago I didn't want is still a bad idea," then you have a valid statement! If by "doing your best with what you have" you mean "doing your best to accommodate my own silly musts while keeping the options restricted TO THIS ONE PLOT," then you have a valid statement!
BUT DO NOT BITCH AT ME THAT SOMETHING I DIDN'T LIKE THREE HOURS AGO I--SURPRISE-- STILL DON'T LIKE NOW. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL WRITING SLAVE. YOU DON'T WANT TO RP-- YOU WANT SOMEONE TO WRITE ALL THE HARD PARTS OF YOUR SHITTY OC FICTION FOR YOU. FUCK OFF.
I only WISH I'd had the clarity of mind to say all of this when it was actually RELEVANT! Unfortunately, since I didn't give myself that break I asked for-- even in spite of her efforts to control my actions so that I stayed right there and talking to her-- I never got a chance to get my thoughts together, and the discomfort and aversion I couldn't articulate built up again. Which meant she was then able to abase me into the belief that because I didn't have any issues I could pinpoint, I was unjustified in wanting to say no.
THIS FILLS ME WITH SO MUCH RAGE NOW THAT THERE IS NOT A FONT SIZE LARGE ENOUGH FOR IT. "I DON'T WANT TO" IS ALL THE REASON ANYONE EVER NEEDS TO SAY NO TO RP.
PERIOD!
RAGE! Rage Rage Rage! Someone give me a good ANGRYFACE picture because I have NOTHING ADEQUATE for this level of FUCKERY. >(
Or read on for Part X