A Well Respected Man (Chapter 8)
Title: A Well Respected Man (Chapter 8)
Author: ar_poe
Rating: PG/PG-13
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Warnings: Drug recovery, very mild slash (all fluff)
Summary: Spoilers for 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations.' What happened during Dr. Reid's group therapy and throughout his recovery.
Chapter 1 can be found here.
Chapter 2 can be found here.
Chapter 3 can be found here.
Chapter 4 can be found here.
Chapter 5 can be found here.
Chapter 6 can be found here.
Chapter 7 can be found here.
And my accompanying picspam can be found here.
A/N: I hope everyone had a great holiday! Here's chapter 8, enjoy! Hanna (“Official Beta Reader”) influenced part of this chapter when I hit a wall trying to write. There are a few allusions to slash (Hanna's influence), but nothing extreme or detailed, so don't worry ;)
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Criminal Minds.
Chapter 8
“I've noticed you haven't been coming to any sessions in the past few weeks. Almost a month, actually.” Dr. Fitzgerald looked at Dr. Reid over her wire-rimmed glasses, expecting an answer.
“Yeah, I uh... I felt really good there for awhile. I mean, I... I still feel pretty good...” Spencer stammered and looked around the room. “But my confidence is... a bit lacking right now...”
“And why is that?” She asked, crossing her right leg over the left, and clasping her hands together in her lap.
Spencer pulled out the recovery necklace from under his shirt that Derek had given him on Valentine's Day last month. “Derek gave me this.” Spencer said quietly, looking down at it as he often found himself doing. “He said it was a symbol of recovery, and strength, and that I could get through anything.” He finished with a small smile, and Dr. Fitzgerald smiled as well.
“That's a very nice gift.” She said happily, eying the small and simple charm hanging off his slender neck. She smiled again, offering that talk to me vibe that he always surrendered under.
“It makes me feel really good about myself, and reminds me that he's there for me. And I know that... if something were to happen, and I messed up again... I think it would hurt him more than anyone else...” Spencer looked at Dr. Fitzgerald, but still toyed with the necklace as he spoke and thought.
“You don't think that it would hurt you the most?”
“Well, sure, physically. And I would probably hate myself. But, Derek...” Spencer trailed off and thought about what to say. “I still don't really understand his feelings fully. And I probably never will. But he's gone more than out of his way to let me know that he's there for me. I can't betray him, and I don't want to. I'm happy, I don't want that to change.”
A huge smile spread across Dr. Fitzgerald's face. “And that, Dr. Reid,” She began, leaning forward and patting his knee, “is exactly what we've been working towards for the past year and a half.”
Spencer looked at her confusedly. “What?”
“You're happy, Spencer. All you had before was your job. And you had a great team for a family, who would always look after you, and you cared about them. But now, now you have someone who makes you happy, and you want that. You have something that you're willing to work for, and live for, and enjoy every minute of it.” She answered breathlessly, as if it were obvious. “You've found that one thing that you need to keep you on track, that keeps you motivated, and now you want that.”
Spencer looked at her, deep in thought, and a small innocent smile formed on his lips. “I'm gonna go home.” He said softly.
“Okay.” she said, smiling, happiness in her voice.
0-0-0
Spencer walked into his and Derek's apartment slowly, still with a small smile on his face. He turned after shutting the door and took off his messenger bag and sat it on the floor.
“Hey, Pretty Boy.” Derek walked into the kitchen once he heard Spencer come home. “What are you all happy about?” Spencer looked up to him when he spoke, his smile just as wide.
Spencer rushed over to him, wrapping him in a huge hug. “I missed you.”
Derek chuckled and wrapped his arms around Spencer. “I missed you, too, Spence.”
“I learned something tonight. And I think I'm going to be okay.”
Derek somehow understood this, despite not having an explanation, and squeezed Spencer's shoulder. He pulled back and smiled, that genuine smile of his, and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Let's go get some dinner. Indian, you're favorite.”
0-0-0
When Derek and Spencer left Quantico Thursday evening, Spencer walked out with a slightly bouncy strut. He clearly seemed happier, more comfortable with himself then he had in months, and the vibe he was emitting filled Derek with happiness as well, and he couldn't help but grin the entire drive home.
Because of Spencer's fantastic mood, he continued replaying Yann Tiersen's Summer '78 over and over again for the twenty minute drive home. Derek drove, and every couple of minutes, he stole a glance at Spencer and his enlightened demeanor. Derek was loving this more and more every second, even though he wasn't sure exactly what had happened, what Spencer had learned, but he had had some sort of epiphany, and the entire atmosphere around Spencer was altered.
When Derek opened the door to their now shared apartment, he slid out of his coat and hung it on the hook, as did Spencer, and turned around to face him.
“I'm likin' this new attitude of yours, Pretty Boy.”
Spencer gave Derek a genuine happy smile and allowed Derek to slip his hand in his own. Derek pulled Spencer close and kissed his cheek and wrapped his arms around Spence's waist. Spencer laughed nervously as a small shiver ran down his spine. This feeling was different than anything else that was passed between the two men in the previous months, but strangely pleasant...
Derek took Spencer by the hand and lead him to the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him, and pushed Spencer down on the bed.
0-0-0
Derek woke up the next morning to murmurs coming from the living room. He lifted his head tiredly to find Spencer gone, with the bedroom door closed, and flung his head back down onto the pillow. According to the clock, it was 6:45 in the morning and they had to go into the office soon. Derek got himself up and opened the bedroom door, pausing to listen to Spencer.
“Can I just leave a message?” He asked into the telephone, sounding almost panicked. Derek watched Spencer pace, nibbling at his fingers absentmindedly. “Okay... Just... When she gets in, can you tell her to call Dr. Spencer Reid, please. Thank you.” He flipped the phone shut and slipped it into his pocket. He had changed clothes and gotten ready for work, but his hair was a mess and the dark circles around his eyes seemed darker than normal. He had the sleeves of his burgundy button-up shirt rolled up to his elbows, and he slipped his hands in his pockets.
Spencer turned completely around and jumped when he saw Derek watching him from the doorway, arms crossed across his bare chest. “Who are you talking to at 7:00 in the morning?”
Spencer shrugged. “Just a phone call.” He walked by, kissing Derek lightly and went into the kitchen to pour some coffee for Derek and himself. Derek followed and watched as Spencer poured spoon after spoon of sugar into his coffee.
“Spencer.” He called, almost suspiciously as if asking a child if he ate the cookies from the cookie jar.
“Yeah?”
“Look at me.”
Spencer turned around and took a sip from his mug, raising an eyebrow.
“What's goin' on? Who'd you have to talk to so urgently?” Derek asked, coming closer to examine Spencer.
“I just... had to talk to Dr. Fitzgerald...” Spencer said, walking out of Derek's intense staring and sat down at the table.
“Talk to me.” Derek said simply, sitting down across from him. Spencer sighed, lowered his shoulders, and placed his hands in his lap.
“I just... I'm panicking... I guess...”
“About what?”
“Last night.” Spencer answered simply.
“I thought you enjoyed it?” Derek said, a little loudly, almost angrily.
“I did, Derek. I just...” Spencer sighed again and closed his eyes for a second. “It's a new stage... I'm not used to this type of thing... You have... experience, even if it's not with men...” Spencer's eyes fluttered up to meet Derek's, whose expression softened as he watched Spencer bite his lip.
“Pretty Boy, listen to me.” Derek turned in his chair so that he was facing Spencer, and picked up his hands and held them in his own. “I don't care how experienced you are. I love you, I'm in love with you, and that's all that matters. Okay?”
Spencer watched him for a second, profiling him perhaps, and finally nodded.
“No more panicking?” Derek asked, keeping eye contact. Spencer shook his head.
Derek took Spencer's chin in his hand and lightly kissed him on the lips. “I love you just how you are.” Spencer smiled and Derek winked as he kissed his cheek and stood up.
“I'll go get dressed and we'll head to the office in a few minutes.” Derek walked back to the bedroom and Spencer grabbed a granola bar from the cabinet.
0-0-0
“What do you think, Reid?” Hotch asked, standing in front of the young man's desk with papers in his hands. Spencer didn't answer as his eyes looked over numerous FBI files, turning pages, and writing notes in the margins in his distinct handwriting.
“Reid.”
Spencer continued reading and taking notes rapidly, going from file to file. Prentiss and Derek both yelled his name at the same time, causing the young agent to jump. Spencer looked up innocently. “What?”
“I've been talking to you for six minutes.” Hotch said simply, more worry in his voice than annoyance.
“Sorry. Uh... what were you saying?”
Spencer's eyes darted around the room as Hotch spoke, but then his cell phone began to ring. Spencer snapped back to reality and he held a finger up to Hotch.
“Hold on, hold on...” Spencer stammered, hurriedly reaching for his phone with shaky hands, and completely blowing off Hotch. Hotch's eyes narrowed as he watched Reid open the phone and answer it. He quickly stood up form his chair, causing it to spin, and quickly walked out of the bullpen. Prentiss and Derek watched in confusion as Hotch turned to face them.
“What's going on with Reid?” Emily asked, mouth opened in shock. Derek shrugged, even though he knew, or had some kind of idea, but he thought they had gotten past that this morning.
A few minutes later, Spencer walked back into the bullpen, looking slightly relieved. He was completely oblivious to the stares coming from his teammates as he walked up the stairs and knocked on Hotch's office door.
He entered as he heard Hotch's gentle 'come in,' and closed the door behind him, and walked over to stand in front of Hotch's desk. Hotch placed his pen down and looked up expectantly.
“I'd like to... take the rest of the day off. If that's okay...”
“Sure.” Hotch answered. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just... my head's not all here today.” Hotch looked at him with his dark eyes, expecting more than that. Spence pursed his lips and dug his hands deeper into his pockets and swayed a little bit.
“I, uh... I've been... seeing somebody since the Hankel case.. a counselor... and I just need to talk to her, this is the only time she had opened today.”
Hotch nodded immediately. “Take as much time as you need.”
“Thanks, Hotch.”
Reid rushed back down the stairs and quickly picked up his coat and bag, and almost ran out of the bullpen before anyone had any time to speak.
0-0-0
“I have Italian!” Reid entered the apartment and shut the door, happily bouncing into the kitchen and removing his bag with one hand, holding the food in the other. He walked into the living room when he didn't receive an answer, and found Derek sitting on the couch, staring at the television screen.
“Is everything okay?” Reid asked in a calmer voice, his mood immediately changing. Derek looked up at him absently and gave a crooked smile.
“Hey, kid.”
Spencer slowly walked over to the couch and stepped over Derek's feet. He sat down next to Derek, closely enough to touch, and placed the food on the coffee table. “Derek?”
“Hm?” Derek hummed, eyes glued to the screen.
“Tell me what's wrong.”
The air was sad and uncomfortable, Spencer felt that something was wrong as soon as he'd stepped in the door, and he couldn't shake the feeling that it was because of him.
Derek picked up the remote and turned off the television, and tossed it back down onto the coffee table. He turned to Spencer and looked him in the eye. “You're not talkin' to me.”
“What?” Spencer looked at him confusedly and Derek knew that he honestly had no idea what was bothering him or what he was doing.
“Spencer,” Derek began again, sighing. “If something is bothering you or if something is wrong in this relationship, we need to talk about. Not you and your shrink. It's between the two of us.”
“She's not my shrink.” Spencer refuted, eyes narrowing. “I can't believe you're mad that I'm talking about things to my counselor -”
“I'm not mad you're talking to someone, babe.” Derek sighed again, interrupting Spencer. “That's not what I meant at all. But if I'm the problem, or something I do, you need to talk to me, Spence. I need to know. I need to know what to do and what not to do, we're in this relationship together.”
Spencer looked away and wrapped his arms around himself. “It's nothing you did, Derek. It's not you at all. I just needed time to get used to things... It's just something new for me... I'm not as attuned to things like this, I don't know how to act on impulses and emotion... I read books and make lists and study things...” Derek could tell by the way Spencer's voice peaked and rose, and the way he was beginning to speak more rapidly that he was nearing the point where Spencer would start spouting off statistics and facts out of nervousness.
Derek grabbed his knee. “Spencer. Stop.”
Spencer looked at him again. “See? I'm not any good at this.” Spencer's eyes instantly glazed over and Derek had no idea what was going on, what was going through Spencer's head, and he had never seen him like this, this panicked. He had never seen him so disappointed in himself. It broke his heart.
“What's goin' on with you?” Derek asked desperately.
“You're too good for me.” Spencer whispered, looking down.
That took Derek completely by surprise, he wasn't expecting that at all. He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something, but it took him a minute to recover. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I just...” Spencer took in a deep breath and kept his head down. “You're so good to me, and you take care of me, and you listen, and I... I can hardly tell you how I feel without a voice in the back if my mind telling me that it's too good to be true.”
Spencer wrapped his arms around himself again and hugged himself tightly, his hair hanging out of place from behind his ears. “I don't want you to wake up one day and snap out of it and realize that this isn't what you want.” Spencer finished and looked up at Derek.
The expression on Derek's face was a mix of confusion and shock and sadness, and he lowered his arms from the back of the couch and the arm rest into his lap. He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts. He was usually so good with words and comforting Spencer, but right now, he was just at a loss and wanted nothing more than to just hold him.
“Spencer...” He said sadly, opening his eyes and looking at the man that he loved. “I want you to believe me when I say I love you. I swear to you, you have grown to be the most important thing in my life. I take care of you because it makes me happy and it makes me feel good, and I like doing all of those things that make you happy, like watching your eyes light up when you come home and find strawberry Jell-O in the fridge, because things like that make me happy for being able to make you happy. You make me happy, Spencer. You have for a very long time, and that's not going to change, it only gets stronger every day. You know those days that you come home late in the evening after seeing your counselor, and you come in every time and hug me and say you missed me... you know what I think to myself every time?” Derek watched Spencer's face as he asked that question, and Spencer shook his head slowly, his eyes pleading.
“I think to myself this is the most amazing man alive, and he's all mine. And we sit down and have our favorite food, and watch the same movies, and then we lay down and curl up with each other, and you just make things so much better for me, and I don't want a life without you in it. I don't want any of this to change. I want it to be you and me.”
Derek stared at Spencer and he almost looked like he was going to cry. He was slouched and almost pitiful-looking, but Derek knew that what he had said was what Spencer needed to hear, and he felt slightly relieved. Before he knew it, Spencer had wrapped his arms around Derek and placed his forehead on his shoulder. “I'm so sorry, Derek.”
Spencer rearranged his arms and hugged Derek tighter. “I'm so sorry...” He repeated, releasing a shuddering breath.
“Hey, hey... it's okay...” Derek cradled the back of Spencer's head and hugged him tightly. “I just want you to talk to me. You can tell me anything, I won't ever judge you.”
After awhile of holding each other, Derek felt Spencer's breathing calm and return to normal, and he pulled back to look at Spencer. His face was red, but mainly, he just looked exhausted, but relieved nonetheless. Derek took Spencer's face in his hands and looked him directly in the eye, “I love you, Dr. Reid.”
Spencer gave a small, relieved and happy smile, “I love you, too.”
“Our fettuccine alfredo is getting cold.”
Spencer laughed a little and nodded as Derek stood up and took the two take-out dishes to the kitchen to heat them up. Spencer stood up and went into the bedroom, changing into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and went back to sit on the couch.
Spencer tucked his hair behind his ears and sat cross-legged while he waited on Derek. When he returned, he handed Spencer his food and a fork, and popped in The Count of Monte Cristo in the DVD player. He returned to the couch just in time to see the admiration and adoration in Spencer's eyes as he took a large mouthful of fettuccine.
A/N: This chapter... I don't know what the hell happened. I started writing it on Christmas day around midnight, hit a small writer's block, and it just kind of wrote itself. I sat down to write, and the next thing I know, it was a few hours later and I had no recollection of any of it. Originally, this ended completely different the first time I wrote it, but for some reason, I changed about two pages of it in the end. Complete opposite of the original ending. I was on a roll.
A/N 2: Summer '78 by Yann Tiersen is one of my favorite songs, and you can download it here at Sendspace. I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Send me some feedback, yeah? I love this chap. Sighs happily.
Author: ar_poe
Rating: PG/PG-13
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Warnings: Drug recovery, very mild slash (all fluff)
Summary: Spoilers for 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations.' What happened during Dr. Reid's group therapy and throughout his recovery.
Chapter 1 can be found here.
Chapter 2 can be found here.
Chapter 3 can be found here.
Chapter 4 can be found here.
Chapter 5 can be found here.
Chapter 6 can be found here.
Chapter 7 can be found here.
And my accompanying picspam can be found here.
A/N: I hope everyone had a great holiday! Here's chapter 8, enjoy! Hanna (“Official Beta Reader”) influenced part of this chapter when I hit a wall trying to write. There are a few allusions to slash (Hanna's influence), but nothing extreme or detailed, so don't worry ;)
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Criminal Minds.
Chapter 8
“I've noticed you haven't been coming to any sessions in the past few weeks. Almost a month, actually.” Dr. Fitzgerald looked at Dr. Reid over her wire-rimmed glasses, expecting an answer.
“Yeah, I uh... I felt really good there for awhile. I mean, I... I still feel pretty good...” Spencer stammered and looked around the room. “But my confidence is... a bit lacking right now...”
“And why is that?” She asked, crossing her right leg over the left, and clasping her hands together in her lap.
Spencer pulled out the recovery necklace from under his shirt that Derek had given him on Valentine's Day last month. “Derek gave me this.” Spencer said quietly, looking down at it as he often found himself doing. “He said it was a symbol of recovery, and strength, and that I could get through anything.” He finished with a small smile, and Dr. Fitzgerald smiled as well.
“That's a very nice gift.” She said happily, eying the small and simple charm hanging off his slender neck. She smiled again, offering that talk to me vibe that he always surrendered under.
“It makes me feel really good about myself, and reminds me that he's there for me. And I know that... if something were to happen, and I messed up again... I think it would hurt him more than anyone else...” Spencer looked at Dr. Fitzgerald, but still toyed with the necklace as he spoke and thought.
“You don't think that it would hurt you the most?”
“Well, sure, physically. And I would probably hate myself. But, Derek...” Spencer trailed off and thought about what to say. “I still don't really understand his feelings fully. And I probably never will. But he's gone more than out of his way to let me know that he's there for me. I can't betray him, and I don't want to. I'm happy, I don't want that to change.”
A huge smile spread across Dr. Fitzgerald's face. “And that, Dr. Reid,” She began, leaning forward and patting his knee, “is exactly what we've been working towards for the past year and a half.”
Spencer looked at her confusedly. “What?”
“You're happy, Spencer. All you had before was your job. And you had a great team for a family, who would always look after you, and you cared about them. But now, now you have someone who makes you happy, and you want that. You have something that you're willing to work for, and live for, and enjoy every minute of it.” She answered breathlessly, as if it were obvious. “You've found that one thing that you need to keep you on track, that keeps you motivated, and now you want that.”
Spencer looked at her, deep in thought, and a small innocent smile formed on his lips. “I'm gonna go home.” He said softly.
“Okay.” she said, smiling, happiness in her voice.
0-0-0
Spencer walked into his and Derek's apartment slowly, still with a small smile on his face. He turned after shutting the door and took off his messenger bag and sat it on the floor.
“Hey, Pretty Boy.” Derek walked into the kitchen once he heard Spencer come home. “What are you all happy about?” Spencer looked up to him when he spoke, his smile just as wide.
Spencer rushed over to him, wrapping him in a huge hug. “I missed you.”
Derek chuckled and wrapped his arms around Spencer. “I missed you, too, Spence.”
“I learned something tonight. And I think I'm going to be okay.”
Derek somehow understood this, despite not having an explanation, and squeezed Spencer's shoulder. He pulled back and smiled, that genuine smile of his, and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Let's go get some dinner. Indian, you're favorite.”
0-0-0
When Derek and Spencer left Quantico Thursday evening, Spencer walked out with a slightly bouncy strut. He clearly seemed happier, more comfortable with himself then he had in months, and the vibe he was emitting filled Derek with happiness as well, and he couldn't help but grin the entire drive home.
Because of Spencer's fantastic mood, he continued replaying Yann Tiersen's Summer '78 over and over again for the twenty minute drive home. Derek drove, and every couple of minutes, he stole a glance at Spencer and his enlightened demeanor. Derek was loving this more and more every second, even though he wasn't sure exactly what had happened, what Spencer had learned, but he had had some sort of epiphany, and the entire atmosphere around Spencer was altered.
When Derek opened the door to their now shared apartment, he slid out of his coat and hung it on the hook, as did Spencer, and turned around to face him.
“I'm likin' this new attitude of yours, Pretty Boy.”
Spencer gave Derek a genuine happy smile and allowed Derek to slip his hand in his own. Derek pulled Spencer close and kissed his cheek and wrapped his arms around Spence's waist. Spencer laughed nervously as a small shiver ran down his spine. This feeling was different than anything else that was passed between the two men in the previous months, but strangely pleasant...
Derek took Spencer by the hand and lead him to the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him, and pushed Spencer down on the bed.
0-0-0
Derek woke up the next morning to murmurs coming from the living room. He lifted his head tiredly to find Spencer gone, with the bedroom door closed, and flung his head back down onto the pillow. According to the clock, it was 6:45 in the morning and they had to go into the office soon. Derek got himself up and opened the bedroom door, pausing to listen to Spencer.
“Can I just leave a message?” He asked into the telephone, sounding almost panicked. Derek watched Spencer pace, nibbling at his fingers absentmindedly. “Okay... Just... When she gets in, can you tell her to call Dr. Spencer Reid, please. Thank you.” He flipped the phone shut and slipped it into his pocket. He had changed clothes and gotten ready for work, but his hair was a mess and the dark circles around his eyes seemed darker than normal. He had the sleeves of his burgundy button-up shirt rolled up to his elbows, and he slipped his hands in his pockets.
Spencer turned completely around and jumped when he saw Derek watching him from the doorway, arms crossed across his bare chest. “Who are you talking to at 7:00 in the morning?”
Spencer shrugged. “Just a phone call.” He walked by, kissing Derek lightly and went into the kitchen to pour some coffee for Derek and himself. Derek followed and watched as Spencer poured spoon after spoon of sugar into his coffee.
“Spencer.” He called, almost suspiciously as if asking a child if he ate the cookies from the cookie jar.
“Yeah?”
“Look at me.”
Spencer turned around and took a sip from his mug, raising an eyebrow.
“What's goin' on? Who'd you have to talk to so urgently?” Derek asked, coming closer to examine Spencer.
“I just... had to talk to Dr. Fitzgerald...” Spencer said, walking out of Derek's intense staring and sat down at the table.
“Talk to me.” Derek said simply, sitting down across from him. Spencer sighed, lowered his shoulders, and placed his hands in his lap.
“I just... I'm panicking... I guess...”
“About what?”
“Last night.” Spencer answered simply.
“I thought you enjoyed it?” Derek said, a little loudly, almost angrily.
“I did, Derek. I just...” Spencer sighed again and closed his eyes for a second. “It's a new stage... I'm not used to this type of thing... You have... experience, even if it's not with men...” Spencer's eyes fluttered up to meet Derek's, whose expression softened as he watched Spencer bite his lip.
“Pretty Boy, listen to me.” Derek turned in his chair so that he was facing Spencer, and picked up his hands and held them in his own. “I don't care how experienced you are. I love you, I'm in love with you, and that's all that matters. Okay?”
Spencer watched him for a second, profiling him perhaps, and finally nodded.
“No more panicking?” Derek asked, keeping eye contact. Spencer shook his head.
Derek took Spencer's chin in his hand and lightly kissed him on the lips. “I love you just how you are.” Spencer smiled and Derek winked as he kissed his cheek and stood up.
“I'll go get dressed and we'll head to the office in a few minutes.” Derek walked back to the bedroom and Spencer grabbed a granola bar from the cabinet.
0-0-0
“What do you think, Reid?” Hotch asked, standing in front of the young man's desk with papers in his hands. Spencer didn't answer as his eyes looked over numerous FBI files, turning pages, and writing notes in the margins in his distinct handwriting.
“Reid.”
Spencer continued reading and taking notes rapidly, going from file to file. Prentiss and Derek both yelled his name at the same time, causing the young agent to jump. Spencer looked up innocently. “What?”
“I've been talking to you for six minutes.” Hotch said simply, more worry in his voice than annoyance.
“Sorry. Uh... what were you saying?”
Spencer's eyes darted around the room as Hotch spoke, but then his cell phone began to ring. Spencer snapped back to reality and he held a finger up to Hotch.
“Hold on, hold on...” Spencer stammered, hurriedly reaching for his phone with shaky hands, and completely blowing off Hotch. Hotch's eyes narrowed as he watched Reid open the phone and answer it. He quickly stood up form his chair, causing it to spin, and quickly walked out of the bullpen. Prentiss and Derek watched in confusion as Hotch turned to face them.
“What's going on with Reid?” Emily asked, mouth opened in shock. Derek shrugged, even though he knew, or had some kind of idea, but he thought they had gotten past that this morning.
A few minutes later, Spencer walked back into the bullpen, looking slightly relieved. He was completely oblivious to the stares coming from his teammates as he walked up the stairs and knocked on Hotch's office door.
He entered as he heard Hotch's gentle 'come in,' and closed the door behind him, and walked over to stand in front of Hotch's desk. Hotch placed his pen down and looked up expectantly.
“I'd like to... take the rest of the day off. If that's okay...”
“Sure.” Hotch answered. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just... my head's not all here today.” Hotch looked at him with his dark eyes, expecting more than that. Spence pursed his lips and dug his hands deeper into his pockets and swayed a little bit.
“I, uh... I've been... seeing somebody since the Hankel case.. a counselor... and I just need to talk to her, this is the only time she had opened today.”
Hotch nodded immediately. “Take as much time as you need.”
“Thanks, Hotch.”
Reid rushed back down the stairs and quickly picked up his coat and bag, and almost ran out of the bullpen before anyone had any time to speak.
0-0-0
“I have Italian!” Reid entered the apartment and shut the door, happily bouncing into the kitchen and removing his bag with one hand, holding the food in the other. He walked into the living room when he didn't receive an answer, and found Derek sitting on the couch, staring at the television screen.
“Is everything okay?” Reid asked in a calmer voice, his mood immediately changing. Derek looked up at him absently and gave a crooked smile.
“Hey, kid.”
Spencer slowly walked over to the couch and stepped over Derek's feet. He sat down next to Derek, closely enough to touch, and placed the food on the coffee table. “Derek?”
“Hm?” Derek hummed, eyes glued to the screen.
“Tell me what's wrong.”
The air was sad and uncomfortable, Spencer felt that something was wrong as soon as he'd stepped in the door, and he couldn't shake the feeling that it was because of him.
Derek picked up the remote and turned off the television, and tossed it back down onto the coffee table. He turned to Spencer and looked him in the eye. “You're not talkin' to me.”
“What?” Spencer looked at him confusedly and Derek knew that he honestly had no idea what was bothering him or what he was doing.
“Spencer,” Derek began again, sighing. “If something is bothering you or if something is wrong in this relationship, we need to talk about. Not you and your shrink. It's between the two of us.”
“She's not my shrink.” Spencer refuted, eyes narrowing. “I can't believe you're mad that I'm talking about things to my counselor -”
“I'm not mad you're talking to someone, babe.” Derek sighed again, interrupting Spencer. “That's not what I meant at all. But if I'm the problem, or something I do, you need to talk to me, Spence. I need to know. I need to know what to do and what not to do, we're in this relationship together.”
Spencer looked away and wrapped his arms around himself. “It's nothing you did, Derek. It's not you at all. I just needed time to get used to things... It's just something new for me... I'm not as attuned to things like this, I don't know how to act on impulses and emotion... I read books and make lists and study things...” Derek could tell by the way Spencer's voice peaked and rose, and the way he was beginning to speak more rapidly that he was nearing the point where Spencer would start spouting off statistics and facts out of nervousness.
Derek grabbed his knee. “Spencer. Stop.”
Spencer looked at him again. “See? I'm not any good at this.” Spencer's eyes instantly glazed over and Derek had no idea what was going on, what was going through Spencer's head, and he had never seen him like this, this panicked. He had never seen him so disappointed in himself. It broke his heart.
“What's goin' on with you?” Derek asked desperately.
“You're too good for me.” Spencer whispered, looking down.
That took Derek completely by surprise, he wasn't expecting that at all. He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something, but it took him a minute to recover. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I just...” Spencer took in a deep breath and kept his head down. “You're so good to me, and you take care of me, and you listen, and I... I can hardly tell you how I feel without a voice in the back if my mind telling me that it's too good to be true.”
Spencer wrapped his arms around himself again and hugged himself tightly, his hair hanging out of place from behind his ears. “I don't want you to wake up one day and snap out of it and realize that this isn't what you want.” Spencer finished and looked up at Derek.
The expression on Derek's face was a mix of confusion and shock and sadness, and he lowered his arms from the back of the couch and the arm rest into his lap. He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts. He was usually so good with words and comforting Spencer, but right now, he was just at a loss and wanted nothing more than to just hold him.
“Spencer...” He said sadly, opening his eyes and looking at the man that he loved. “I want you to believe me when I say I love you. I swear to you, you have grown to be the most important thing in my life. I take care of you because it makes me happy and it makes me feel good, and I like doing all of those things that make you happy, like watching your eyes light up when you come home and find strawberry Jell-O in the fridge, because things like that make me happy for being able to make you happy. You make me happy, Spencer. You have for a very long time, and that's not going to change, it only gets stronger every day. You know those days that you come home late in the evening after seeing your counselor, and you come in every time and hug me and say you missed me... you know what I think to myself every time?” Derek watched Spencer's face as he asked that question, and Spencer shook his head slowly, his eyes pleading.
“I think to myself this is the most amazing man alive, and he's all mine. And we sit down and have our favorite food, and watch the same movies, and then we lay down and curl up with each other, and you just make things so much better for me, and I don't want a life without you in it. I don't want any of this to change. I want it to be you and me.”
Derek stared at Spencer and he almost looked like he was going to cry. He was slouched and almost pitiful-looking, but Derek knew that what he had said was what Spencer needed to hear, and he felt slightly relieved. Before he knew it, Spencer had wrapped his arms around Derek and placed his forehead on his shoulder. “I'm so sorry, Derek.”
Spencer rearranged his arms and hugged Derek tighter. “I'm so sorry...” He repeated, releasing a shuddering breath.
“Hey, hey... it's okay...” Derek cradled the back of Spencer's head and hugged him tightly. “I just want you to talk to me. You can tell me anything, I won't ever judge you.”
After awhile of holding each other, Derek felt Spencer's breathing calm and return to normal, and he pulled back to look at Spencer. His face was red, but mainly, he just looked exhausted, but relieved nonetheless. Derek took Spencer's face in his hands and looked him directly in the eye, “I love you, Dr. Reid.”
Spencer gave a small, relieved and happy smile, “I love you, too.”
“Our fettuccine alfredo is getting cold.”
Spencer laughed a little and nodded as Derek stood up and took the two take-out dishes to the kitchen to heat them up. Spencer stood up and went into the bedroom, changing into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and went back to sit on the couch.
Spencer tucked his hair behind his ears and sat cross-legged while he waited on Derek. When he returned, he handed Spencer his food and a fork, and popped in The Count of Monte Cristo in the DVD player. He returned to the couch just in time to see the admiration and adoration in Spencer's eyes as he took a large mouthful of fettuccine.
A/N: This chapter... I don't know what the hell happened. I started writing it on Christmas day around midnight, hit a small writer's block, and it just kind of wrote itself. I sat down to write, and the next thing I know, it was a few hours later and I had no recollection of any of it. Originally, this ended completely different the first time I wrote it, but for some reason, I changed about two pages of it in the end. Complete opposite of the original ending. I was on a roll.
A/N 2: Summer '78 by Yann Tiersen is one of my favorite songs, and you can download it here at Sendspace. I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Send me some feedback, yeah? I love this chap. Sighs happily.