So tired, I wondered how traveling to Winnipeg would work out, and it lived up to expectations. Sore and worn out. My brain dead state took my session with the shrink in a new direction. I talked about what happened at the dinner table with my cousin a few weeks back, and sitting down with how to get over sex being a trigger. How it's not ( Read more... )

My cousin and I were having a damned fined supper tonight and the conversation got onto sex. the longer it went the more i wanted to cry. i kept things in check by looking up videos by mojo nixon, then went upstairs to puke. I have to wonder when this sort of stuff goes away, day to day i'm doing pretty good, but now it's time to admit that sex is ( Read more... )

2 weeks ago i went under the gun again for the 7th time. I've said in the past that i like having time between inkings as i like to see how i'm able to handle the pain. each time is different; I've been getting better at it with age and wisdom. Perhaps i shouldn't wait so long between visits, 5 and a half years since the last one, this was almost ( Read more... )

this last hitch i turned to daily meditation, and hot diggity it sure helped!. once to and from work , each break and then again before bed. excessive, for sure, but i haven't felt so connected or in my body ... ever. so yay! last night just before bed was the first rage in 2 weeks. it was brought on be a facebook reminder of christmas. the second ( Read more... )

five days off to relax and refocus. the shrink gave some reading homework on bias thinking patterns, and i stumbled upon sound meditation,again. i had found this stuff back in 2007, but had forgotten about it. out of all of the freqeuncies i heart the OM one the best. placebeo effect? perhaps,but at this point i'm willing to try anything.effective ( Read more... )

I got complacent this hitch,thinking the worst was behind me,But the disorder snuck up and tackled me from behind. I didn't realize how confrontational and uppity I was getting, or how I get when I'm fustrated. apparently I'm. An asshole, as I was booted off a crew, and hauled aside by my foreman. He coached me on slowing down, stop being his ( Read more... )

PTSD. Life after treatment. My sessions have done what they we're suposed to do. They have taken the assaults and made them past tense. Now that I've mostly processed them , I have finally stopped running. That huge painful hole in my being has started to fill up with me. I'm started to get to know the true me, not the mask that I've been wearing ( Read more... )

This past month has been nothing short of life changing. A sports type of person would call this my TSN turning point. Two weeks ago I spent two days crying. Even at work, I was useless. At one point I was thinking about tossing in the towel, literally. I caught myself thinking about the 2 bottles of sleeping pills in my desk. It took hours for ( Read more... )

It took my last post, as emotionally all over the place as it was to pull me out of that funk. I woke the next day without the want to get high. Something that's new. Granted it was short lived but it was there. But it wasn't the only thing new to me. It seems that for the first time in my life I am emotionally available enough to want to be in a ( Read more... )

i'm wearing the biggest frown in my adult history, i feel like a 3 yr old. it brought a friend too, Pout. think i can get them to leave?No, not yet. they want to stay for a bit but i'm drained. i just want to hide and cry, and be comforted and loved ( Read more... )