Wow, this is amazing, in some places funny, also heartbreaking. And obviously very personal, so I feel ashamed commenting on it. Thank you for still posting here. I've actually wanted to do something like this here, myself. As always, your turning your thoughts and feelings into art is inspiring. Though it gives me pangs (And for the record, I'm sorry for any grief I may have ever given ya)...
Nah, you've never given me any grief. At least as far as I'm aware of! Have you been giving me grief in secret? Oh dear...
Actually writing this post wasn't as cathartic as what I thought it would be. Looking back on situation to situation, it kept occurring to me that maybe I should be more angry than sorry. I may not have been the best person 100% of the time, but I think I've done a lot of good things. And I don't want to say that "I deserve better", but...well...I guess we all deserve better, don't we?
Heh, no secret grief! But as someone who's read my journal/e-mails o'er the years you've put up with a lot of nuttiness. :)
Seriously though: yeah.. I think anger is better for a person, ultimately. And it's obvious to me you are a good person... sure, there are things to be sorry for, we all have those, but also to be grateful for and proud of. Even if they seem like unlovely things, maybe it was the best way you could have reacted to a given situation at the time. No one is perfect, of course, that would be boring. I think it's harder, sometimes, to bask in our positive reflections. As a culture, we are apologetic. Maybe someday we'll evolve beyond guilt (although I suppose that might come with a whole new set of problems*).
Maybe make a separate list of what you are glad you did, what has made you feel good, and what you know has been right, etc?
*I am reading the craziest book right now that sort of ties into that.
It's a good idea, though, making a separate list. That hadn't crossed my mind at all until you've mentioned it. It'd probably be a lot harder to do because - you're right - we are all apologetic. I guess we think that nobody else wants to hear about how awesome we are. That isn't necessarily true: I think it depends on how we say it, exactly.
You're right, that's usually how it works. At least for me: things seem a lot worse than what they really are. But I think I'd rather overreact and think something I did is terrible, than take it for granted that everything is still all well and good. You know?
Daaaaaaamn. Well, you really, really should have made it. It's also really good sitting in the parking lot of an empty shopping mall at 3am, wondering whether or not to kill somebody music.
Being sorry about something is such an... odd thing when you start thinking about the dynamics of the situations.
Like is it selfish to be sorry because you should have or still could do something about it... Or is it "wussy" because if you believe in yourself then you should believe in your actions, even if in retrospect different choices could have been made... Or is it truly the mark of a humble soul...? I dunno.
It probably is at least a somewhat selfish thing because there's definitely that element of "I'm ashamed because I couldn't have been a better person than that" along with the basic (I should hope so, anyway) "I did another person wrong", "Golden Rule" sort of thing.
And since being selfish kind of goes hand in hand with being "wussy" then...yeah.
Re: Dude, S' okaposteverythingOctober 29 2007, 18:27:37 UTC
Yeah, no damn kidding! Why do you keep avoiding me, Ken? I thought I could come over to your house in the middle of the night, stinking drunk, with a bunch of hookers. But I guess I was wrong. P.S. I think your doorbell is broken or something.
I've spat in a lot of people's faces before, dude...
Re: Dude, S' okakenopolisOctober 30 2007, 05:52:07 UTC
Heh... Far as I know, the bell works... If you are gonna bring hookers, at least make em clean ones... I saw you last time, I was watching through the blinds hoping you would take them away.
Have you used that atari yet? I saw some games at good will the other day, and wondered if you wanted them...
Josh stopped by the drive through at Commerce on Monday to make a deposit, and see me for himself. He just got that classic Josh look, where he wears that little smirk, and just slowly, slightly nods his head... Man that always bugged me! LOL. He wants to get everyone together to have dinner sometime...
With my schedule the way it is, I only get Friday evening, All day Saturday (usually) and Sunday Evening off. Monika is taking some tax classes, and I'm still working at Wal-Mart. I'm exausted dude, but Bills have never been easier. Call me some Tuesday or Thursday evening... I'm home, but can't go out. you could stop by then... Sans hookers.
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Actually writing this post wasn't as cathartic as what I thought it would be. Looking back on situation to situation, it kept occurring to me that maybe I should be more angry than sorry. I may not have been the best person 100% of the time, but I think I've done a lot of good things. And I don't want to say that "I deserve better", but...well...I guess we all deserve better, don't we?
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Seriously though: yeah.. I think anger is better for a person, ultimately. And it's obvious to me you are a good person... sure, there are things to be sorry for, we all have those, but also to be grateful for and proud of. Even if they seem like unlovely things, maybe it was the best way you could have reacted to a given situation at the time. No one is perfect, of course, that would be boring. I think it's harder, sometimes, to bask in our positive reflections. As a culture, we are apologetic. Maybe someday we'll evolve beyond guilt (although I suppose that might come with a whole new set of problems*).
Maybe make a separate list of what you are glad you did, what has made you feel good, and what you know has been right, etc?
*I am reading the craziest book right now that sort of ties into that.
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It's a good idea, though, making a separate list. That hadn't crossed my mind at all until you've mentioned it. It'd probably be a lot harder to do because - you're right - we are all apologetic. I guess we think that nobody else wants to hear about how awesome we are. That isn't necessarily true: I think it depends on how we say it, exactly.
But I don't know...it's Sunday.
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I just know you are.
♥
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Yeah, maybe I am...for some of them.
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also, yay jason molina!
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Yeah, I saw Magnolia Electric Company not long ago. That guy is my musical hero.
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best sleeping music ever.
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Not that I do this or anything. Just sayin'.
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You seem quite rebellious?
"I'm sorry for spray-painting the side of your parent's house"
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Like is it selfish to be sorry because you should have or still could do something about it...
Or is it "wussy" because if you believe in yourself then you should believe in your actions, even if in retrospect different choices could have been made...
Or is it truly the mark of a humble soul...?
I dunno.
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And since being selfish kind of goes hand in hand with being "wussy" then...yeah.
I'm a wuss.
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You spat in someone's face?
I'm sure these were all different people, but I couldn't help thinking more than one applied to me. ;)
We need to hang out SOON!
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I've spat in a lot of people's faces before, dude...
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Have you used that atari yet? I saw some games at good will the other day, and wondered if you wanted them...
Josh stopped by the drive through at Commerce on Monday to make a deposit, and see me for himself. He just got that classic Josh look, where he wears that little smirk, and just slowly, slightly nods his head... Man that always bugged me! LOL. He wants to get everyone together to have dinner sometime...
With my schedule the way it is, I only get Friday evening, All day Saturday (usually) and Sunday Evening off. Monika is taking some tax classes, and I'm still working at Wal-Mart. I'm exausted dude, but Bills have never been easier. Call me some Tuesday or Thursday evening... I'm home, but can't go out. you could stop by then... Sans hookers.
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