I really dont think you use this anymore, so i guess I'm just getting a bit bolder. Maybe in writing to you here, even though you dont read it, will help me work things out.
You know, i miss you so much. I would give anything just to be able to sit down and talk with you just one more time. Heck, I would give anything just to be in the same room with you. Its been so long, I frequently just imagine doing it. I remember how you smelled, how you felt, the silky smooth sound of your voice, the feeling of completeness i got just by feeling your presence. Its probably not a healthy thing, but i dont care anymore. there is a great empty hole in me, ever since i left you. nothing can fill it. nothing can cover it, or make me forget it. I have tried everything i can think of to fill it or ignore it. but it will not leave, and im not sure i even want it to anymore. it was your place. your home in my heart and soul, and thats the way it will stay. even though you never will fill it again. god, what i would give to be near you again.
you know, a disillusioned and dilusional mind can find signs and connections in almost any thing. even if there is no connection at all. Sometimes when i look back on things you haad said while we were together, or things that happened, i think all sorts a things. an example is that shortly after i left you, i found some pictures on line. they were of a girl posing nude, in a small room like an office, bed room, or dorm room. there was a desk, a chair, and a blue carpet. it was labeled Teacher, and although the face was cut off, the girls body looked just like you, even with long brown hair in a ponytail. made me think, was this taken so soon after we broke up? was she chaeting on me before hand? when you went with your friend to that'art photographer' and removed your top to pose nude with your friend, what realy happened? was it just a cover, claiming that it was for your friend? did you lie to me about how far you went? and why didnt you call me like you promised? or answer your phone when i called you? you knew i was worried
( ... )
I know that that girl wasnt you, and that you wouldn't have lied to me. But thoughts like that just keep pervaiding my thoughts. And to tell you the truth, I would still love you even if they were true. I would do anything for you, I would willingly, freely, and without hesitation, give my life for you. Even now. Your mother once accused me of seeing you through rose colored glass. I dont think that that is at all true. I have always loved every part of you, practically worshiped you. But I was always aware of your flaws too. before, i loved you despite them. but now, i have found that i actually love your flaws as well as the rest of you. even because of them. I find i miss your odd quarks which used to frusterate me so much. I miss your tendancies which used to make me agrivated, and i even miss when you used to stomp on my toes, or try to knee me in the groin, just to see the expression on my face. i miss you sitting there, reading a book, i miss you laughing at me while i try to hang a picture. I miss everything, love everything
( ... )
sigh, so, i think writting to you in here has helped me a bit. I've begun to find a place and rythem in my life. However, i have found that in letting myself think about you again, ALL my feelings for you are resurfacing with a vengence. I feel a deep need for you. But, i also have been able to come to terms a bit with the idea that i will never be able to have you again. its weird, i know. and seems contradictory, but i feel all my love for you, and my deep need for you, but also can live my life (at least to an extent) because you are always in my mind, so in a way you are always with me
( ... )
Comments 10
Reply
Reply
Reply
god, what i would give to be near you again.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment