nights can be so hard
longing for what i can't have
and words i can't say
these are my weakest moments
holding the phone in my hand
knowing you're just one message away
feeling like i'd give anything
just to say hello
and ask you how your cats are
hating myself because it's my fault
that it can't be that simple

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

It's hard to believe I'm still grappling with this shit. I haven't spoken to her in about 8 months, and she stopped being regularly in my life for a few months beyond that. And yet in some ways, I don't feel like she ever left. Not a day has gone by that I don't find myself thinking about her. Not a single fucking day. I dream about her at least ( Read more... )

your name on my cast
and my notes on your stay
offer me little, but doting on a crime
we've turned every stone
and for all our inventions
in matters of love loss
we've no recourse at all

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

So I've been on testosterone for almost 2.5 months now. Most of this month's changes are just a continuation of changes that started last month. Voice is still getting lower, dick is still getting bigger, sex drive is still out of control. The newest development that I've noticed over the past month is hair. Hair along my jawline, my chin, my neck ( Read more... )

Swallow it down deeper. Swallow it until I forget. Until it's just an ache in my belly waiting for the next reminder before it appears again. I still have trouble speaking of my grandma in the past tense. A hurried "yeah" followed by a change of subject whenever someone mentions her. I don't want to talk about it. I don't think I ever dealt with it ( Read more... )

I "graduated" today. Walked in the ceremony, anyway. Due to the fact that I took a medical withdrawal from all my classes in the Fall of 2010, I won't actually be done with my degree requirements until December. It seemed stupid to have to come back in the Spring of 2012 just to walk in the ceremony, but then I felt weird walking in this year's ( Read more... )

I'm waiting for the day when I can say that it's alright that there will never be anything between us. A day that I can say it as matter-of-fact as you can, without any sorrow or regret attached to it. Just the statement of an inarguable reality. Our feelings aren't aligned, therefore it will never be. It's easy to wrap it up in a sentence all nice ( Read more... )

So today marks one month into Puberty: The Sequel. I figured I should probably document the changes that come with each passing month, at least for the first year. It should make for an interesting read when I revisit these entries a few years down the line. This entry will probably contain TMI, but I don't really give a fuck. With that sentiment ( Read more... )

I think of all the nights I lay here in bed thinking of you. The hours I've spent crying over what we'll never have and what you'll never want. I can spend an entire day distracting myself. Keeping myself busy with all the random shit that make up a day. But every single night, you're still on my mind. Maybe it's from the years we spent talking ( Read more... )

Bruised ribs from binding too hard. Biweekly injections for the rest of my life. Costly surgeries to make my body more inhabitable. The threat of death, violence, or at the very least, and most certain to occur, rejection based on what I am. But still my life seems more hopeful than ever. And I'm feeling more content with each passing day.

There's a ( Read more... )