Lonely here in this big house. I am all alone. Inside myself I am always alone. And now I am alone outside. There is an emptiness inside of me. I want to fill it with something. I just ate some pasta. That didn't do it. It momentarily stopped my hunger. But the one deep down inside is still screaming. The food just muffled the sound. And now it is ( Read more... )

i turned the hot water all the way up and the cold water all the way down. it was not hot enough. the burning outside did not match the burning inside. it did not take away this feeling, or add to this lack of feeling, or anything at all. numbness. that is where my pain leads me. utterly numb. i think i forgot how to feel. i think i got so good at ( Read more... )

O how I love that word. THANKSGIVING! I am soooo thankful for being able to go home for turkey day! I neeeeed a break from this virtual reality where everyone is young and beautiful and up for partying every night. I just want to go home and eat some of my mom's dishes, watch some movies on my couch, and sit there thinking of NOTHING! I want my boy ( Read more... )

I look back at entries and wonder how I could have been happy enough to talk in such a tone. I don't have that anymore. I haven't had that since I left. It doesn't feel like home. It's been a while here... hell I only have 4 full weeks of classes in this semester, and I still don't feel right. I don't know if it will ever be home without you ( Read more... )

It's ironic that I'm surrounded by 48000 people my age and I feel alone. I'm happy here, it's a wonderful place with endless things to do. I've joined the tennis and ultimate clubs. I go out every night with fantastic people. I complete my work during the day. I understand and appreciate my classes. Yet, I feel empty inside because you are not here ( Read more... )

I'm leaving next Wednesday. And I am more scared and sad then I have ever been about this decision. I know I will have fun. I know this is something I have to do. I know it has to be now, and it wouldn't be better any other way. I know it's time. But I love you so much and I don't want to leave you. I'm scared that these perfect weeks will fade in ( Read more... )

Happy Birthday to me. It doesn't feel like my birthday. It seems less important every year. I'm 19 and it's not much different from 18. But I'm chipper, and I'm welcoming the day with a little smile. The birds are greeting me this morning, as the sun rises. I don't know if I should go to sleep or not, because this is my day, and I don't really want ( Read more... )

I want to stay up for forever and sleep for eternity. That made no sense, I'm tired, but in good spirits. Smiles all around.... tonight was good. Quality bonding with some people I love. My family has had some intense conversations since we've been up here at Lake George. I wish I could talk to everyone and converse with no one right now. I want to ( Read more... )

I woke to you. I woke to your smile. I woke to your wide eyes and quiet voice. I woke to an all familiar face with a less familiar expression of intimacy. I woke to a memory that will last when I leave you. I woke to another morning closer to the last.

Why are things coming together to soon fall apart?

I remember when i used to be someone. Everyone new my name. Now I get blank stares on the pool deck, and looks when the coaches greet me with great familiarity. I've been on the team for 12 years. Waynesborough was my life. And now I'm fadding away and feel out of place and time. I'm no longer the star swimmer. Fucking shoulder. But I do feel good ( Read more... )