Drowning (Baekhyun Centered, PG-13)
Title: Drowning
Paring: Mainly Baekhyun centered with Baekyeol
Rating: PG-13 with warnings
Word Count: 2410
Warnings: Highlight to read (Major Depressive Disorder, mental illnesses, suicide attempt)
Summary: Everything's grey. Nothing turns out right. He can't even make simple decisions. What use is Byun Baekhyun if he can't do a single thing correctly?
Notes: Inspired by Home by Tablo. Again, not based on personal experience and only from memoirs and my imagination.
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Because I disliked the unfamiliar happiness more than the familiar sadness,
Suffocation.
Heavy weights.
Pain.
It's what Baekhyun feels every day. These three things.
I threw away my footsteps.
Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain.
Now I cry without tears.
Green, blue, purple, red. Pop, pop, pop. Baekhyun swallows the pills that his psychologist has prescribed it him. They're anti-depressant pills. They're going to help boost your mood, he was told.
Bullshit, he thinks as he feels the little capsules slip down his throat before they release chemicals into his blood that are supposed to trigger his brain to release some hormones that make him feel like happy. They don't work, he thinks as he flashes Joonmyun a smile and holds up his glass of water as though it's evidence. It is.
I'm trying. Is what that glass of water signifies.
Joonmyun returns Baekhyun an uneasy smile and the younger can see how the leader of Exo-K shoots a look at the pill holder on the counter and look if he's taken all his pills that are supposed to keep the vocalist happy.
They don't work, Baekhyun thinks a second time, placing the empty glass in the sink and shuffling away blue holder into a drawer because he knows that his members don't like to see the reminder in plain sight. It's as though if they can't see it, they can pretend that one of their members isn't plagued with major depression and he's normal.
☆
It's always right after Baekhyun comes down from the high that he always gets performing on stage with the hot lights that highlight him, the screams that are ripped from hundreds of teenage girls' throat, and speakers that catch and amplify the voice that comes out of his throat that the “wave”, as he has come down to nickname it, comes crashing down on him.
The whispers start. 'Look at you. Thinking you're so great because you can reach a few notes. Guess what. You're the one holding Exo back. Think how many other trainees would've been so much more grateful to take your position that you stole from them.' His breathe hitches and he tries. He tries so hard. I've worked hard for this position, too! He feebly protests, but he's drowned out by hundred of other hisses that resound in his head.
The dressing room that Exo has been assigned to all fades away as the voices crowd, crowd, crowd until he can't tell which voice is his or which is telling lies anymore. He faintly feels his hands comes around his ears and the sounds of “no, no, no, no” fades away until he realizes that the that voice is his voice.
Just like breathing, I cry again.
Hands wrap around him and a few voices quiet down only to come back louder and angrier. Baekhyun whimpers feebly and he wonders that if he lays down then he could disappear.
A glass of water is shoved into his hands and the pretty colors of green, blue, purple, and red are handed over. As if he were a man dying of thirst, he drops the pills into his mouth and washes everything down with a gulp.
With a screech, the voices quiet down but hover at the recesses of his mind and he duly notes that the voices all take the sound of his voice. They've even made him come to hate his own voice, he bitterly thinks.
The hands are still around him and Baekhyun knows that it's Chanyeol and he's probably led the two of them into a corner of the dressing room away from the rest of the members. A deep treble asks, “Are you ok?”
Baekhyun wants to cry at the question and scream 'NO!' but he swallows that cry and gives a bleary eyed, “Yes.” Chanyeol peers down at the slightly trembling vocalist and he gently rubs comforting circles into his back. I didn't do anything to deserve such kindness, he thinks, his mind betraying him.
“I love you, you know,” Chanyeol says out of the blue.
'No, you love an image that I've made' Baekhyun wants to say, but he knows that it would only worry Chanyeol more, so he settles for a smile and he says, “I know. I love you, too.” His voice cracks and he adds, “I'm sorry.”
The younger hugs his fragile lover and just whispers, “Don't be. It's ok. You'll be fine, Baekhyunnie.”
Will he really?
☆
The sadness that became a home.
It's another early morning where Exo has to go to the salon and Baekhyun can't seem to make his body listen to him. His body weighs as much as an elephant's and the task of getting out of bed seems impossible and he wants to cry out for someone to get the elephant off his chest but no one hears.
A grouchy voice sounds in Baekhyun's shared room, “Come on, hyung. It's time to get up. We're going to be late.”
Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep.
“I'll be right there, Jongin,” Baekhyun says tiredly from his sheets and the youngest nods before slipping out of the room, no doubt to try to wake up Kris, who's most likely fallen back asleep on the kitchen counter.
Suffocating. Baekhyun's drowning in all his failures and mistakes. They come crashing down on him and they're sitting on his chest and laugh at him mockingly. He wants to swipe them away so he can begin the rest of the day like his members, but he's too tired. The vocalist is suddenly so bone weary and the world seems bleak.
I cry, without me knowing.
He lets out a weak cry and not a moment later he feels Chanyeol's arms sweep off all his insecurities and lift him out of bed. He wants to shower Chanyeol with kisses and thanks, but all that comes out it a sob.
He hates it. He hates that he can't seem to express himself. He hates that he seems ungrateful when he just wants Chanyeol to understand how thankful he is. He hates that 5 months ago Baekhyun would have looked at this Baekhyun and scoffed at his over dramatics. He hates that he hates himself. Even worse, he hates the traitorous thoughts of just dying. They would make everyone's life easier. They wouldn't have to worry about a depressed man who doesn't even have the strength to climb out the hole he's dug himself.
He cries at everything, nowadays. The littlest things just set him off and the wave hits him like a train. Exo frets, worries, and they spend nights thinking how and why Baekhyun became this way. He wished he knew the answer himself.
Do I deserve to be happy?
Chanyeol just clutches him harder to his chest as though it could keep the demons from reaching into his soul and ripping him to shreds. It just makes Baekhyun cry harder.
He's helpless now. Baekhyun can't even make simple decisions. He feels like there's a wall separating him from everyone else. Normal people. He doesn't feel normal. He feels like a burden.
Why have I fallen deeply into shallow scars?
The sobs, the hiccups, the doubting thoughts all fade away after Baekhyun runs his way through his dark maze and he apologizes again the Chanyeol, the millionth time in 4 months.
4 months. It feels like a thousand years ago when he was normal and wasn't filled to the brim with disappointment.
Chanyeol just hushes him with the kindness of a saint and Baekhyun wishes and begs for this depression to go away. He can't run away from it. Everything he does just seems to remind him of how painful everything is and there is no happiness left in the world.
So dramatic, a whisper curls in the back of his head and he begins the chanting of “no, no, no, no” again. Chanyeol calls out into the dorm and someone is running in to press the tablets that chase away the darkness for a few hours.
The rapper coaxes his shaking lover to swallow the pills and he's back to stroking the vocalist's hair. “It'll be ok.”
Crying is easy like breathing - the more you hold it in, the more you let out.
It takes 3 words for Baekhyun to fall apart and be put together all at the same time. He wonders when it began.
☆
Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. The word loops around and around Baekhyun's head and he sighs, trying to push it away. Everyone's sprawled across the living room, the younger ones playing on the xbox, while a few older ones were playing cards.
Let me breathe - sadness is my home.
“Baekkie?” Chanyeol's familiar voice asks and Baekhyun dregs up the energy to answer the younger one.
“Let's go out for patbingsu,” Chanyeol suggests and hundreds of excuses fly up in his mind. I'm tired. Manager hyung won't let us. What if the fan girls see us. I'm not hungry.
But the look that Chanyeol gives him drags a quiet 'ok' out of him and a beaming smile is on the hyper 5 year old's face and Baekhyun knew that it was the best thing he's done today anyway.
They sit at the patbingsu stand, hoodies pulled over their heads and Chanyeol giggles at the rain that came out of nowhere. The taller has texted their manager that they're going to wait out the rain and they've received the ok.
Anyone may receive showers of arrows in life.
Baekhyun wants to giggle along with his boyfriend, but something - the depression tightens its grip on his throat and the bubble of laughter dies. He doesn't realize the forlorn look on his face but Chanyeol does.
He stares out at the falling rain, turning the world black and white. He imagines that whatever the rain touches strips everything of color. It doesn't matter to him whether it's sunny or not; it's always cloudy and dreary in his world.
He's yanked out his thoughts as a cold spoon is pressed to his lips. Baekhyun frowns and looks down at the metal pressed to his mouth and opens his mouth after a moment and the spoon goes in and drops off a spoonful of sweet, frozen dessert. He looks up at Chanyeol who is looking at his smaller boyfriend with a tender gaze, but all Baekhyun can see is the sadness and pity in his eyes. He knows he's the cause of it. He knows that it hurts Chanyeol so much and his own heart squeezes in pain. He falls a little deeper into his rabbit hole.
But why is the target on my heart so big for me?
☆
I cannot hold my heart.
The sound of the clock was loud and glaring in the silence of the dorm. The little hands tell the time of 4:37 and all that's in the dorm in quiet, quiet, quiet.
Baekhyun stands in the dim light of a night light in the kitchen and tries to identify the colors. Purple, blue, green, red. They click as they hit each other, rolling around and around his palm.
Tick, tick, tick. Another minute ticks by.
Click, click, click. They continue to hit each other.
Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. The words swirl in his mind, swelling and soon they're all that he can hear.
Clack. The pills come to a sudden halt as the vocalist clenches his fist together. The pills.
Baekhyun continues to play with the pills as the thought of getting rid of himself formulates and weighs more and more.
And I lose the world.
You could finally take the burden off Chanyeol, a whisper sneers. Click, click, click. Exo could take in that really talented trainee who was in line after you, Seo Youngho, another tendril curls. Click, click, click. The thoughts spin round and round, along with the pills.
It's too much. Baekhyun wants to scream and run into Chanyeol's arms begging him to chase away the whispers with his loud, deep voice, but he's standing frozen with a fear that roots him to the floor. Look at you. You already want to bother Chanyeol with another thing. All you ever do is cause trouble, his own voice chuckles and Baekhyun feels something click in his mind that reverberates with finality and he knows there's no turning back.
Inside my sadness that became my home,
The sound of the clock is loud in the dorm as Baekhyun spills himself open along with the colorful pills. Too many reds, too many blues, too many purples. It feels liberating.
He finishes down the capsules with a glass of water and he estimates that he has about half an hour before the pills start wreaking havoc lessening the burden. So he writes. Baekhyun grabs a number of napkins and a pen and writes apologies over and over to every single person he can remember.
His handwriting progressively gets more and more shaky as the demons howl from inside of him, furious that he's trying to silence them for eternity and he feels himself drowning underneath the chaos.
His elbow hits his pill holder and the colors spill across the floor of the kitchen but ignores it, as he feels his body shutting down in protest. By now his letters are a mess and he's full out shaking.
Dots flicker across his vision and his heart struggles for each beat. His breathing becomes labored and he gasps. His body is fighting to keep alive. Pain twists his inside and he wants to scream out in pain but nothing comes out but gasping pants. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Just as his vision gives out, he sees Chanyeol wander out of his room, sleepy eyed and rubbing his face. Baekhyun gapes at Chanyeol, gasps out his name, before everything goes black. Baekhyun shrieks, "I'm sorry!" into the night air, shattering the silence like a gunshot. He thinks he may have heard his name but he can no longer hear.
Can I invite you in?
For the first time in months, he can breathe again.
Splintering l Drowning l Disturbia l Flawless
Paring: Mainly Baekhyun centered with Baekyeol
Rating: PG-13 with warnings
Word Count: 2410
Warnings: Highlight to read (Major Depressive Disorder, mental illnesses, suicide attempt)
Summary: Everything's grey. Nothing turns out right. He can't even make simple decisions. What use is Byun Baekhyun if he can't do a single thing correctly?
Notes: Inspired by Home by Tablo. Again, not based on personal experience and only from memoirs and my imagination.
Tumblr
Because I disliked the unfamiliar happiness more than the familiar sadness,
Suffocation.
Heavy weights.
Pain.
It's what Baekhyun feels every day. These three things.
I threw away my footsteps.
Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain.
Now I cry without tears.
Green, blue, purple, red. Pop, pop, pop. Baekhyun swallows the pills that his psychologist has prescribed it him. They're anti-depressant pills. They're going to help boost your mood, he was told.
Bullshit, he thinks as he feels the little capsules slip down his throat before they release chemicals into his blood that are supposed to trigger his brain to release some hormones that make him feel like happy. They don't work, he thinks as he flashes Joonmyun a smile and holds up his glass of water as though it's evidence. It is.
I'm trying. Is what that glass of water signifies.
Joonmyun returns Baekhyun an uneasy smile and the younger can see how the leader of Exo-K shoots a look at the pill holder on the counter and look if he's taken all his pills that are supposed to keep the vocalist happy.
They don't work, Baekhyun thinks a second time, placing the empty glass in the sink and shuffling away blue holder into a drawer because he knows that his members don't like to see the reminder in plain sight. It's as though if they can't see it, they can pretend that one of their members isn't plagued with major depression and he's normal.
☆
It's always right after Baekhyun comes down from the high that he always gets performing on stage with the hot lights that highlight him, the screams that are ripped from hundreds of teenage girls' throat, and speakers that catch and amplify the voice that comes out of his throat that the “wave”, as he has come down to nickname it, comes crashing down on him.
The whispers start. 'Look at you. Thinking you're so great because you can reach a few notes. Guess what. You're the one holding Exo back. Think how many other trainees would've been so much more grateful to take your position that you stole from them.' His breathe hitches and he tries. He tries so hard. I've worked hard for this position, too! He feebly protests, but he's drowned out by hundred of other hisses that resound in his head.
The dressing room that Exo has been assigned to all fades away as the voices crowd, crowd, crowd until he can't tell which voice is his or which is telling lies anymore. He faintly feels his hands comes around his ears and the sounds of “no, no, no, no” fades away until he realizes that the that voice is his voice.
Just like breathing, I cry again.
Hands wrap around him and a few voices quiet down only to come back louder and angrier. Baekhyun whimpers feebly and he wonders that if he lays down then he could disappear.
A glass of water is shoved into his hands and the pretty colors of green, blue, purple, and red are handed over. As if he were a man dying of thirst, he drops the pills into his mouth and washes everything down with a gulp.
With a screech, the voices quiet down but hover at the recesses of his mind and he duly notes that the voices all take the sound of his voice. They've even made him come to hate his own voice, he bitterly thinks.
The hands are still around him and Baekhyun knows that it's Chanyeol and he's probably led the two of them into a corner of the dressing room away from the rest of the members. A deep treble asks, “Are you ok?”
Baekhyun wants to cry at the question and scream 'NO!' but he swallows that cry and gives a bleary eyed, “Yes.” Chanyeol peers down at the slightly trembling vocalist and he gently rubs comforting circles into his back. I didn't do anything to deserve such kindness, he thinks, his mind betraying him.
“I love you, you know,” Chanyeol says out of the blue.
'No, you love an image that I've made' Baekhyun wants to say, but he knows that it would only worry Chanyeol more, so he settles for a smile and he says, “I know. I love you, too.” His voice cracks and he adds, “I'm sorry.”
The younger hugs his fragile lover and just whispers, “Don't be. It's ok. You'll be fine, Baekhyunnie.”
Will he really?
☆
The sadness that became a home.
It's another early morning where Exo has to go to the salon and Baekhyun can't seem to make his body listen to him. His body weighs as much as an elephant's and the task of getting out of bed seems impossible and he wants to cry out for someone to get the elephant off his chest but no one hears.
A grouchy voice sounds in Baekhyun's shared room, “Come on, hyung. It's time to get up. We're going to be late.”
Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep.
“I'll be right there, Jongin,” Baekhyun says tiredly from his sheets and the youngest nods before slipping out of the room, no doubt to try to wake up Kris, who's most likely fallen back asleep on the kitchen counter.
Suffocating. Baekhyun's drowning in all his failures and mistakes. They come crashing down on him and they're sitting on his chest and laugh at him mockingly. He wants to swipe them away so he can begin the rest of the day like his members, but he's too tired. The vocalist is suddenly so bone weary and the world seems bleak.
I cry, without me knowing.
He lets out a weak cry and not a moment later he feels Chanyeol's arms sweep off all his insecurities and lift him out of bed. He wants to shower Chanyeol with kisses and thanks, but all that comes out it a sob.
He hates it. He hates that he can't seem to express himself. He hates that he seems ungrateful when he just wants Chanyeol to understand how thankful he is. He hates that 5 months ago Baekhyun would have looked at this Baekhyun and scoffed at his over dramatics. He hates that he hates himself. Even worse, he hates the traitorous thoughts of just dying. They would make everyone's life easier. They wouldn't have to worry about a depressed man who doesn't even have the strength to climb out the hole he's dug himself.
He cries at everything, nowadays. The littlest things just set him off and the wave hits him like a train. Exo frets, worries, and they spend nights thinking how and why Baekhyun became this way. He wished he knew the answer himself.
Do I deserve to be happy?
Chanyeol just clutches him harder to his chest as though it could keep the demons from reaching into his soul and ripping him to shreds. It just makes Baekhyun cry harder.
He's helpless now. Baekhyun can't even make simple decisions. He feels like there's a wall separating him from everyone else. Normal people. He doesn't feel normal. He feels like a burden.
Why have I fallen deeply into shallow scars?
The sobs, the hiccups, the doubting thoughts all fade away after Baekhyun runs his way through his dark maze and he apologizes again the Chanyeol, the millionth time in 4 months.
4 months. It feels like a thousand years ago when he was normal and wasn't filled to the brim with disappointment.
Chanyeol just hushes him with the kindness of a saint and Baekhyun wishes and begs for this depression to go away. He can't run away from it. Everything he does just seems to remind him of how painful everything is and there is no happiness left in the world.
So dramatic, a whisper curls in the back of his head and he begins the chanting of “no, no, no, no” again. Chanyeol calls out into the dorm and someone is running in to press the tablets that chase away the darkness for a few hours.
The rapper coaxes his shaking lover to swallow the pills and he's back to stroking the vocalist's hair. “It'll be ok.”
Crying is easy like breathing - the more you hold it in, the more you let out.
It takes 3 words for Baekhyun to fall apart and be put together all at the same time. He wonders when it began.
☆
Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. The word loops around and around Baekhyun's head and he sighs, trying to push it away. Everyone's sprawled across the living room, the younger ones playing on the xbox, while a few older ones were playing cards.
Let me breathe - sadness is my home.
“Baekkie?” Chanyeol's familiar voice asks and Baekhyun dregs up the energy to answer the younger one.
“Let's go out for patbingsu,” Chanyeol suggests and hundreds of excuses fly up in his mind. I'm tired. Manager hyung won't let us. What if the fan girls see us. I'm not hungry.
But the look that Chanyeol gives him drags a quiet 'ok' out of him and a beaming smile is on the hyper 5 year old's face and Baekhyun knew that it was the best thing he's done today anyway.
They sit at the patbingsu stand, hoodies pulled over their heads and Chanyeol giggles at the rain that came out of nowhere. The taller has texted their manager that they're going to wait out the rain and they've received the ok.
Anyone may receive showers of arrows in life.
Baekhyun wants to giggle along with his boyfriend, but something - the depression tightens its grip on his throat and the bubble of laughter dies. He doesn't realize the forlorn look on his face but Chanyeol does.
He stares out at the falling rain, turning the world black and white. He imagines that whatever the rain touches strips everything of color. It doesn't matter to him whether it's sunny or not; it's always cloudy and dreary in his world.
He's yanked out his thoughts as a cold spoon is pressed to his lips. Baekhyun frowns and looks down at the metal pressed to his mouth and opens his mouth after a moment and the spoon goes in and drops off a spoonful of sweet, frozen dessert. He looks up at Chanyeol who is looking at his smaller boyfriend with a tender gaze, but all Baekhyun can see is the sadness and pity in his eyes. He knows he's the cause of it. He knows that it hurts Chanyeol so much and his own heart squeezes in pain. He falls a little deeper into his rabbit hole.
But why is the target on my heart so big for me?
☆
I cannot hold my heart.
The sound of the clock was loud and glaring in the silence of the dorm. The little hands tell the time of 4:37 and all that's in the dorm in quiet, quiet, quiet.
Baekhyun stands in the dim light of a night light in the kitchen and tries to identify the colors. Purple, blue, green, red. They click as they hit each other, rolling around and around his palm.
Tick, tick, tick. Another minute ticks by.
Click, click, click. They continue to hit each other.
Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. Suffocation. Weight. Pain. The words swirl in his mind, swelling and soon they're all that he can hear.
Clack. The pills come to a sudden halt as the vocalist clenches his fist together. The pills.
Baekhyun continues to play with the pills as the thought of getting rid of himself formulates and weighs more and more.
And I lose the world.
You could finally take the burden off Chanyeol, a whisper sneers. Click, click, click. Exo could take in that really talented trainee who was in line after you, Seo Youngho, another tendril curls. Click, click, click. The thoughts spin round and round, along with the pills.
It's too much. Baekhyun wants to scream and run into Chanyeol's arms begging him to chase away the whispers with his loud, deep voice, but he's standing frozen with a fear that roots him to the floor. Look at you. You already want to bother Chanyeol with another thing. All you ever do is cause trouble, his own voice chuckles and Baekhyun feels something click in his mind that reverberates with finality and he knows there's no turning back.
Inside my sadness that became my home,
The sound of the clock is loud in the dorm as Baekhyun spills himself open along with the colorful pills. Too many reds, too many blues, too many purples. It feels liberating.
He finishes down the capsules with a glass of water and he estimates that he has about half an hour before the pills start wreaking havoc lessening the burden. So he writes. Baekhyun grabs a number of napkins and a pen and writes apologies over and over to every single person he can remember.
His handwriting progressively gets more and more shaky as the demons howl from inside of him, furious that he's trying to silence them for eternity and he feels himself drowning underneath the chaos.
His elbow hits his pill holder and the colors spill across the floor of the kitchen but ignores it, as he feels his body shutting down in protest. By now his letters are a mess and he's full out shaking.
Dots flicker across his vision and his heart struggles for each beat. His breathing becomes labored and he gasps. His body is fighting to keep alive. Pain twists his inside and he wants to scream out in pain but nothing comes out but gasping pants. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Just as his vision gives out, he sees Chanyeol wander out of his room, sleepy eyed and rubbing his face. Baekhyun gapes at Chanyeol, gasps out his name, before everything goes black. Baekhyun shrieks, "I'm sorry!" into the night air, shattering the silence like a gunshot. He thinks he may have heard his name but he can no longer hear.
Can I invite you in?
For the first time in months, he can breathe again.
Splintering l Drowning l Disturbia l Flawless