the days that i don't make music are always the worst days. even spending my evening sketching is not enough. i never feel like anything is coming out with music though, not like i want it to. i want to feel some sort of release, some sort of spewing forth that leaves me at once empty and satiated. this is what i want, but i will settle, for now, ( Read more... )

i wake and get dressed and talk with my roommates and make myself pretty. i leave the house and its raining, not much but enough to pull my hood over my head and begin the hunched shuffle to the subway. raindrops splatter my jacket, dark on green, a haphazard pattern. dry half moons under my breasts. i feel a little self conscious, and i want to ( Read more... )

today is just another day where i wish myself dead. as soon as i feel like im getting somewhere it is all swept away by tiny, miniscule things that in all truth mean nothing, not in the long run. but today they are knives pounded slowly through my chest. they are slivers of painful bright in my eyes. they are words, and body language, and narrowed ( Read more... )

picking up again something that you haven't done in a long time, and being pleased. that is me right now. i keep thinking about how it all goes back to when i had to choose, in middle school, whether to pursue music classes or art classes. and i chose music. but if i had chosen art, i wouldn't have ended up working at the new school, and then never ( Read more... )

i have been in a strange sort of empty space lately, alternating between frustration at my inability to motivate myself and my serious enjoyment of being lazy. i know that i wanted a summer of laziness, but the guilt! it is almost more than i can take ( Read more... )

oh god the past two months have been insane. finally, i feel able to breathe and look around me, to stop trying to catch up and just be where i am ( Read more... )

ive been sick since wednesday, and tonight was hanging out with sarah and karinna in my room when, by some freak alignment of sickness pouring forth from my body, i coughed and burped at the same time which made me vomit on myself and my bed. i love that my friends didnt freak out and just got me some paper towels and continued on in the ( Read more... )

i just read my friend chloe's blog (itschloe.com) and her new year's resolutions inspired me to write my own! i really like hers, they are much more fun than mine, but i tried to add a few less serious ones ( Read more... )

why does one immediately try to formulate into language one's thoughts as they arise from deep unconsciousness? as if they have need to exist as symbols, not as they really are - sign-less, indefinite, vapor of experience and imagination. i wake to darkness this morning, as most mornings, and ones more recently tinged with loneliness and hot watery ( Read more... )

last night i dreamt that i had done something horrible and it had killed hundreds of people. whatever i had done i had been led to do by my brother, and i had not known that it would hurt people, but he did. i was blamed and sentenced to live as an outcast. i argued and reasoned and fought against them, it wasn't my fault, i didn't know. they put ( Read more... )