i leave tomorrow for rochester and rhode island
this is long overdue.

i wont talk to alyssa for another 6 days or so.

and it makes me feel better

its time i fucking face it
shes whats making me miserable
when i get back she and i will chat
things need to change
either she accepts it
or i leave

shrug.

im tired of all this fucking advice from everyone

i cant ( Read more... )

i face one of the greatest dilemmas i will ever face

i do not want to live
but i do not want to cause her pain

to be or not to be
that will be the question every day until i day by natural, or personal cause

had first therapy session last friday
i feel on my feet again
yet there are still things to be changed

much work needs to be done
i suppose i'll lay out the plan now and enact it upon my return from rhode island

fuck the monotone

i live to write

no matter what face i put up
i will always be the conductor.

I am now the space for this.
I am now the space for this.
I just bent the sky and realize.

just had an interesting conversation with annie

i will always be a niolist no matter what state my life is in

and alyssa will be the only thing to drive me forward

i have nothing else binding me here

i want to die now just as much as i have wanted to die in my darkest moments

it never attenuates
it never strengthens
it is always present
it is always there

i ( Read more... )

i figured out a large problem

im afraid to fail

just
fuck....

i dont know whats going on anymore
im so lost

again

i suppose i'm just an evolutionary sleeper...

I must obey the rules ( Read more... )

i want to kill myself so badly

i want to get away from the emptiness

i see no point
i find no reason

i want to kill myself
every night
and every morning

i want to kill myself so fucking badly.

there are some that were meant to think ( Read more... )

yesterday was without a doubt the most pivotal day in my senior year ( Read more... )