Reading Twilight So You Don't Have To: Chapter One
My daughters and I first started hearing about Twilight around the same time. It didn't sound appealing to any of us, but I told them that if they ever wanted to read it, they could, but that I would read it with them so that we could discuss it together. Fortunately for me, they had absolutely no interest.
Well, Carly's homeroom teacher let the kids vote on a book she would read aloud to them throughout the year, and what else would a class of sixth graders pick? Since misery loves company, I told Carly I'd keep my end of the bargain and read the book along with her. At least we can share the mocking, right?
Ray found a copy at a used bookstore, so I don't have to worry about returning it. This means I plan on reading it at the same pace as Carly's homeroom class, which will probably be no more than a chapter a day, two days a week.
How bad can that be, right?
But as long as Carly and I have to endure the torture (and share the mocking), I figured I'd write my thoughts as we go. As my friend yav_14 pointed out, she and hollywdliz went to Tunisia so the rest of us wouldn't have to. This, then, is how I can return the favor. I'll read Twilight so the rest of you don't have to.
(ETA: If you're interested, here's why I feel the need to mock Twilight.)
So, without further ado, I begin slogging through the world of emo teens and sparkly vampires.
Preface
This sort of reads like an X-Files cold open. The narrator (the story is told in first person) is about to die at the hands of a hunter. A noble death, in place of someone she loves. So she's a martyr. Got it. I suppose if I weren't going into this jaded, I'd be intrigued by this mysterious person about to die, but it does kind of read like emo teen drama. And note to Ms. Meyer: nothing gives your preface that bad fanfic feel quite like the word "sauntered."
Chapter One: First Sight
Right off the bat, I'm kind of annoyed. Our Heroine is in the process of moving from her mother's home in her beloved Phoenix (okay, totally on board with the Arizona love, but Phoenix? Seriously? Yeah, I'm a jaded Southern Arizonan. So sue me.) to her father's home in a dreary, rainy, tiny town in Washington state. She clearly doesn't want to go, but the choice was just as clearly hers. And she reiterates over and over (and OVER and yeah, we get it, you DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO WASHINGTON) how much she's dreading it, how much she hates this small town, called Forks, how dreary it is, and how miserable she's gonna be, but she isn't bothering to tell us WHY she has to move. I'm guessing this is to create some suspense, but mostly, I'm annoyed because it sets up this whole emo teen martyr thing even more decisively than the preface. "Oh poor me, I have to go to this awful place that I chose to go to," but it's hard to feel sorry for her without knowing whatever this tremendous sacrifice she made is.
And have I mentioned the whining? Yeah, I know, teens tend to do that instead of making the best of a bad situation, but it isn't exactly endearing her to me.
Although I do love all the stuff about being a transplanted desert rat forced to live in a rainy climate. She even mentions how claustrophobic it is with all the green and never being able to see the sky. THAT I can relate to.
Oh, and her name is Bella Swan. Get it? Bella being Italian for pretty, and swans being, well, pretty? Isn't that clever? Only--and here's the really clever part--she's not a pretty swan at all. She's rather plain with sallow skin, uncoordinated. Just like the ugly duckling that grows into the swan! Isn't that lovely symbolism? About as subtle as a brick to the head. ::rolls eyes::
Another subtle, clever, witty bit. As she begins her first day of school, she tells herself: "No one is going to bite me." 'Cause it's a vampire story, see...
Also not endearing: instead of getting the cold shoulder like most new-kid-in-a-small-town stories, the kids at Bella's new school really seem to be making an effort to be friendly, but Bella is, at best, annoyed by their efforts. Geez! Talk about your stuck-up city girl. :P
And now she sees for the first time the perfectly perfect perfection of the Cullen family. They all look different, and yet are all stunningly beautiful, even though they have dark circles under their eyes like they hadn't slept. How is that devastatingly beautiful?
So the Cullens are also new (within the last two years) to Forks. Bella calls them "outsiders, clearly not accepted." Yeah, like she's been "clearly not accepted" with everyone trying to show her to her classes and stuff? Maybe they're as stuck up and disdainful of Forks as she is?
In biology, the only empty seat is next to Edward Cullen, who seems to intensely hate her for no apparent reason. After school, she even hears him in the office trying to change classes, and when he sees her, she gets a thrill of fear from the hate in his eyes.
Note to Bella: This is called a Red Flag. This means no matter how perfectly perfect he looks, DON'T DATE HIM.
And, of course, Bella has had a miserable day in this place that is her "literal" hell. Despite all the efforts she made to make friends and be happy. Oh, wait. She totally didn't make any effort at ALL. So not feeling the sympathy, Ms. Too Good for Everyone in Forks Except the Perfectly Perfect Cullens, one of whom HATES HER FOR NO REASON WAAAAAAH!!!
As for the writing, one comment: DIE ADVERB, DIE. I haven't seen this many adverbs since my first writer's workshop when I learned the above piece of advice. No wonder people say this reads like fan fiction.
ETA: Also, as jedishampoo reminded me, "permeable" is not really a word a teenager is likely to use to describe her shirt. Honestly, I can't think of anyone using that word outside of a science lab. To quote Harrison Ford re: George Lucas, "You can write this @#$!, but you can't say it."
Chapter Two
Quick Links:
Why I'm doing this | Preface & 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 16.2 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Epilogue |
Discussion Questions
Well, Carly's homeroom teacher let the kids vote on a book she would read aloud to them throughout the year, and what else would a class of sixth graders pick? Since misery loves company, I told Carly I'd keep my end of the bargain and read the book along with her. At least we can share the mocking, right?
Ray found a copy at a used bookstore, so I don't have to worry about returning it. This means I plan on reading it at the same pace as Carly's homeroom class, which will probably be no more than a chapter a day, two days a week.
How bad can that be, right?
But as long as Carly and I have to endure the torture (and share the mocking), I figured I'd write my thoughts as we go. As my friend yav_14 pointed out, she and hollywdliz went to Tunisia so the rest of us wouldn't have to. This, then, is how I can return the favor. I'll read Twilight so the rest of you don't have to.
(ETA: If you're interested, here's why I feel the need to mock Twilight.)
So, without further ado, I begin slogging through the world of emo teens and sparkly vampires.
Preface
This sort of reads like an X-Files cold open. The narrator (the story is told in first person) is about to die at the hands of a hunter. A noble death, in place of someone she loves. So she's a martyr. Got it. I suppose if I weren't going into this jaded, I'd be intrigued by this mysterious person about to die, but it does kind of read like emo teen drama. And note to Ms. Meyer: nothing gives your preface that bad fanfic feel quite like the word "sauntered."
Chapter One: First Sight
Right off the bat, I'm kind of annoyed. Our Heroine is in the process of moving from her mother's home in her beloved Phoenix (okay, totally on board with the Arizona love, but Phoenix? Seriously? Yeah, I'm a jaded Southern Arizonan. So sue me.) to her father's home in a dreary, rainy, tiny town in Washington state. She clearly doesn't want to go, but the choice was just as clearly hers. And she reiterates over and over (and OVER and yeah, we get it, you DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO WASHINGTON) how much she's dreading it, how much she hates this small town, called Forks, how dreary it is, and how miserable she's gonna be, but she isn't bothering to tell us WHY she has to move. I'm guessing this is to create some suspense, but mostly, I'm annoyed because it sets up this whole emo teen martyr thing even more decisively than the preface. "Oh poor me, I have to go to this awful place that I chose to go to," but it's hard to feel sorry for her without knowing whatever this tremendous sacrifice she made is.
And have I mentioned the whining? Yeah, I know, teens tend to do that instead of making the best of a bad situation, but it isn't exactly endearing her to me.
Although I do love all the stuff about being a transplanted desert rat forced to live in a rainy climate. She even mentions how claustrophobic it is with all the green and never being able to see the sky. THAT I can relate to.
Oh, and her name is Bella Swan. Get it? Bella being Italian for pretty, and swans being, well, pretty? Isn't that clever? Only--and here's the really clever part--she's not a pretty swan at all. She's rather plain with sallow skin, uncoordinated. Just like the ugly duckling that grows into the swan! Isn't that lovely symbolism? About as subtle as a brick to the head. ::rolls eyes::
Another subtle, clever, witty bit. As she begins her first day of school, she tells herself: "No one is going to bite me." 'Cause it's a vampire story, see...
Also not endearing: instead of getting the cold shoulder like most new-kid-in-a-small-town stories, the kids at Bella's new school really seem to be making an effort to be friendly, but Bella is, at best, annoyed by their efforts. Geez! Talk about your stuck-up city girl. :P
And now she sees for the first time the perfectly perfect perfection of the Cullen family. They all look different, and yet are all stunningly beautiful, even though they have dark circles under their eyes like they hadn't slept. How is that devastatingly beautiful?
So the Cullens are also new (within the last two years) to Forks. Bella calls them "outsiders, clearly not accepted." Yeah, like she's been "clearly not accepted" with everyone trying to show her to her classes and stuff? Maybe they're as stuck up and disdainful of Forks as she is?
In biology, the only empty seat is next to Edward Cullen, who seems to intensely hate her for no apparent reason. After school, she even hears him in the office trying to change classes, and when he sees her, she gets a thrill of fear from the hate in his eyes.
Note to Bella: This is called a Red Flag. This means no matter how perfectly perfect he looks, DON'T DATE HIM.
And, of course, Bella has had a miserable day in this place that is her "literal" hell. Despite all the efforts she made to make friends and be happy. Oh, wait. She totally didn't make any effort at ALL. So not feeling the sympathy, Ms. Too Good for Everyone in Forks Except the Perfectly Perfect Cullens, one of whom HATES HER FOR NO REASON WAAAAAAH!!!
As for the writing, one comment: DIE ADVERB, DIE. I haven't seen this many adverbs since my first writer's workshop when I learned the above piece of advice. No wonder people say this reads like fan fiction.
ETA: Also, as jedishampoo reminded me, "permeable" is not really a word a teenager is likely to use to describe her shirt. Honestly, I can't think of anyone using that word outside of a science lab. To quote Harrison Ford re: George Lucas, "You can write this @#$!, but you can't say it."
Chapter Two
Quick Links:
Why I'm doing this | Preface & 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 16.2 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Epilogue |
Discussion Questions