Reading Twilight So You Don't Have To: Chapter Five
On Thursday, Carly came home from school and said that her homeroom class is so bored with Twilight, they asked if they could vote on a different book. To be fair, part of it is that most of the kids have already read it, and the pace is rather slow one chapter at a time. But still. Pretty amusing.
However, Carly has decided that she owes it to herself to read the whole book so that she can hate it in a more informed context. (A virtual cookie to anyone who knows that reference!) ;) I've decided to continue reading both for that and because I'm enjoying mocking as I read. It's like MST3K only with a book.
Chapter Four
And, without further ado... Chapter Five: Blood Type
(Oooh, see what she did there? Blood type? And it's about vampires? See the clever foreshadowing???)
When we last left Miss I'm Too Good For Everyone In Forks Except for the Perfectly Perfect Cullens Bella, Edward had just offered to drive her to Seattle (a trip she was taking to avoid going to the dance with the three other boys she's too good for she doesn't like like), all the while telling her that she really should stay away from him. This, not surprisingly, has her confused. Not so confused that she doesn't notice that one of her would-be suitors, Mike, wasn't sitting next to her. The nerve of him, not fawning over her after she turned him down and he said yes to another girl! ::pout:: Oh, wait. Spoke too soon. After class, the fawning continues. WHEW!
At lunch, instead of sitting with the rest of his family, Edward sits alone and beckons for her to join him!!!!!111 Then Edward enjoys being condescendingly cryptic at Bella's expense. His lips say "avoid me," but his eyes say "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, sooooooooo sexy..."
Oooookay. Meyer clearly does NOT know her superheroes. Bella says she's "trying to figure out who [he is]," and goes on to think that she's vacillating between Bruce Wayne and... Peter Parker.
::spittake::
Peter Parker???? Yeah, I get she's going for the whole mysterious-guy-with-a-secret-identity superhero thing, and I'll buy Bruce Wayne, but has she ever seen even thirty seconds of any of the numerous Spider-Man cartoons or the live-action movie trailer or anything? Edward's about as Peter Parker as Kanye West is Miss Manners. Peter's a geek. A mild-mannered, not-at-all-mysterious science nerd. Peter doesn't brood. He doesn't act creepy or enigmatic. He's not perfectly perfect. He's a regular guy. That's the whole point of Spider-Man. An ordinary kid meets extraordinary circumstances and steps up to become a hero. What part of Edward is remotely ordinary? She doesn't go on to explain the comparison, either, nor is there any irony or sense that Bella is an unreliable narrator who doesn't get it.
Note to Ms. Meyer: if you're going to draw a comparison between your character and another mythical, legendary, or pop-culture icon, it might be a good idea to actually know something about the character to which you're comparing yours.
They argue about the condescendingly cryptic behavior, although Bella is smitten anyway (she's not hungry because her "stomach was already full--of butterflies.") Edward shows off his super speshul mindreading skills and pouts that he can't read her mind (he couches it as "people are easy to read," not actual mindreading) then says, he, too isn't hungry (nudge nudge, wink wink, knowwhatimean???)
Edward convinces her to tell him "one theory" (about who he is), and she picks Peter Parker over Bruce Wayne, again showing that she has ZERO sense of pop culture. Then he gets to be all cryptic and dangerous again, warning her maybe he's not a superhero, but the bad guy. DUN DUN DUN! Which, naturally, gets Bella all hot and bothered. Then to prove just how dangerous he is, he... cuts class. OOOOOH, BABY, you so BAD!!!!
Next is science class, and I just noticed that she really is going for the whole superhero metaphor thing here: the science teacher's name is Mr. Banner. (As in the Incredible Hulk.) They're gonna do blood-typing. Hm. Wonder if that's why Edward skipped? Kind of like someone on Weight Watchers might avoid the break room when someone left a plate of yummy brownies to share. Oh, and this is just hilarious. Bella is squeamish about blood! (See what she did there? She's falling for a vampire, but she can't stand the sight of blood???) She almost passes out and has to be escorted (by Mike, of course), to the nurse's office. Then... Edward to the rescue again!!! He literally sweeps her off her feet and carries her away from Mike and to the nurse's office. My hero! ::swoon::
Then he manages to convince the nurse that he should take Bella home. Because school nurses are always letting sick kids go home with other kids without so much as a call to parents. Well, maybe we're supposed to suspect Edward is using some kind of mind-whammy on her?
Then he forces her to go to his car instead of her truck. On the one hand, I totally get it. You don't let someone who nearly passed out drive. But this feels more controlling. More red flags.
Oh, Lord. Now he's asking if her mother would let her date whoever she wanted, much like she "let" her mother marry her step-father. This, of course, leads to another "I'm so dangerous" thing, with him asking her if she thinks he "could be scary" and if she's "frightened of [him] now".
YES, BELLA. Stalkerish, controlling behavior is SCARY. Not thrilling. Just scary. Then, to be just that more controlling, he tells her to be careful over the weekend (she's going to the beach with the boring non-Cullen people) because she's "one of those people that attracts accidents like a magnet." Translation: you're helpless. You NEED me to protect you.
Yes, Bella. Edward is scary. And not because he's a vampire.
Chapter Six
Quick Links:
Why I'm doing this | Preface & 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 16.2 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Epilogue |
Discussion Questions
However, Carly has decided that she owes it to herself to read the whole book so that she can hate it in a more informed context. (A virtual cookie to anyone who knows that reference!) ;) I've decided to continue reading both for that and because I'm enjoying mocking as I read. It's like MST3K only with a book.
Chapter Four
And, without further ado... Chapter Five: Blood Type
(Oooh, see what she did there? Blood type? And it's about vampires? See the clever foreshadowing???)
When we last left Miss I'm Too Good For Everyone In Forks Except for the Perfectly Perfect Cullens Bella, Edward had just offered to drive her to Seattle (a trip she was taking to avoid going to the dance with the three other boys she's too good for she doesn't like like), all the while telling her that she really should stay away from him. This, not surprisingly, has her confused. Not so confused that she doesn't notice that one of her would-be suitors, Mike, wasn't sitting next to her. The nerve of him, not fawning over her after she turned him down and he said yes to another girl! ::pout:: Oh, wait. Spoke too soon. After class, the fawning continues. WHEW!
At lunch, instead of sitting with the rest of his family, Edward sits alone and beckons for her to join him!!!!!111 Then Edward enjoys being condescendingly cryptic at Bella's expense. His lips say "avoid me," but his eyes say "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, sooooooooo sexy..."
Oooookay. Meyer clearly does NOT know her superheroes. Bella says she's "trying to figure out who [he is]," and goes on to think that she's vacillating between Bruce Wayne and... Peter Parker.
::spittake::
Peter Parker???? Yeah, I get she's going for the whole mysterious-guy-with-a-secret-identity superhero thing, and I'll buy Bruce Wayne, but has she ever seen even thirty seconds of any of the numerous Spider-Man cartoons or the live-action movie trailer or anything? Edward's about as Peter Parker as Kanye West is Miss Manners. Peter's a geek. A mild-mannered, not-at-all-mysterious science nerd. Peter doesn't brood. He doesn't act creepy or enigmatic. He's not perfectly perfect. He's a regular guy. That's the whole point of Spider-Man. An ordinary kid meets extraordinary circumstances and steps up to become a hero. What part of Edward is remotely ordinary? She doesn't go on to explain the comparison, either, nor is there any irony or sense that Bella is an unreliable narrator who doesn't get it.
Note to Ms. Meyer: if you're going to draw a comparison between your character and another mythical, legendary, or pop-culture icon, it might be a good idea to actually know something about the character to which you're comparing yours.
They argue about the condescendingly cryptic behavior, although Bella is smitten anyway (she's not hungry because her "stomach was already full--of butterflies.") Edward shows off his super speshul mindreading skills and pouts that he can't read her mind (he couches it as "people are easy to read," not actual mindreading) then says, he, too isn't hungry (nudge nudge, wink wink, knowwhatimean???)
Edward convinces her to tell him "one theory" (about who he is), and she picks Peter Parker over Bruce Wayne, again showing that she has ZERO sense of pop culture. Then he gets to be all cryptic and dangerous again, warning her maybe he's not a superhero, but the bad guy. DUN DUN DUN! Which, naturally, gets Bella all hot and bothered. Then to prove just how dangerous he is, he... cuts class. OOOOOH, BABY, you so BAD!!!!
Next is science class, and I just noticed that she really is going for the whole superhero metaphor thing here: the science teacher's name is Mr. Banner. (As in the Incredible Hulk.) They're gonna do blood-typing. Hm. Wonder if that's why Edward skipped? Kind of like someone on Weight Watchers might avoid the break room when someone left a plate of yummy brownies to share. Oh, and this is just hilarious. Bella is squeamish about blood! (See what she did there? She's falling for a vampire, but she can't stand the sight of blood???) She almost passes out and has to be escorted (by Mike, of course), to the nurse's office. Then... Edward to the rescue again!!! He literally sweeps her off her feet and carries her away from Mike and to the nurse's office. My hero! ::swoon::
Then he manages to convince the nurse that he should take Bella home. Because school nurses are always letting sick kids go home with other kids without so much as a call to parents. Well, maybe we're supposed to suspect Edward is using some kind of mind-whammy on her?
Then he forces her to go to his car instead of her truck. On the one hand, I totally get it. You don't let someone who nearly passed out drive. But this feels more controlling. More red flags.
Oh, Lord. Now he's asking if her mother would let her date whoever she wanted, much like she "let" her mother marry her step-father. This, of course, leads to another "I'm so dangerous" thing, with him asking her if she thinks he "could be scary" and if she's "frightened of [him] now".
YES, BELLA. Stalkerish, controlling behavior is SCARY. Not thrilling. Just scary. Then, to be just that more controlling, he tells her to be careful over the weekend (she's going to the beach with the boring non-Cullen people) because she's "one of those people that attracts accidents like a magnet." Translation: you're helpless. You NEED me to protect you.
Yes, Bella. Edward is scary. And not because he's a vampire.
Chapter Six
Quick Links:
Why I'm doing this | Preface & 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 16.2 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Epilogue |
Discussion Questions